Hindsight
by RulerOfAllThatIsEvilChiFlowers
Summary: When tragedy awakens for Chicago's finest detectives, will they find an escape from the dark or will they continue to live in the dark? A tale of resiliency, devotion and angst. A Chicago P.D. inspired FanFiction. Lindsay/Halstead #Linstead
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Jay dragged his feet as they walked to the parking lot at the District. The incessant clomping was enough to drive her completely insane since they were practically nails on chock boards to her. She looked over her shoulder to see Jay pouting, the expression on his face melting her heart in an instant and had forgotten why she was irritated at the first place.

"Wouldn't it be a great idea if you'd let me drive this time?" Jay whined, his eyes gleaming with excitement at the mere thought of driving.  
"Wouldn't it be even better if you'd stop begging for once?" Erin answered sarcastically as she opened the door to the drivers' seat. There was no way in hell that she's going to let him drive. Ever. It may sound ridiculous for two adults to be arguing about but it's the one thing she has control over. And she wasn't going to ruin her privileges just to fulfil his ego.  
He crossed his arms over his chest in defeat. "Don't give me that look, Halstead." she planted a quick kiss on lips before driving off.

Right now as they sat quietly on their stakeout, looking out for 'unusual activities' on one of the city's most notorious kingpins, Erin can't help but feel grateful to be finally alone with Jay. Going out on a lead, just the two of them, was the absolute best part of any case. It may seem unusual for a cop to say that it wasn't the action filled shootouts that pulls them out of bed every morning but it was the truth. Only because she was biased since it was with Jay. Her partner and lover. If it was with anybody else like Ruzek, she knows her answer wouldn't be the same.

Erin leaned her head against the steering wheel in exhaustion. The whole Unit have been all over the new case for the past 3 days. Every time they thought they were a step closer to solving the case, they just happened to find themselves back at the beginning.

"You have any plans for tonight?" Jay asked breaking the silence. She rolled her eyes when she felt his hand rested on her thigh. It doesn't take a genius to know his true intentions.  
"Well, I have a life. Unlike you."

She gasped when his hands went higher. "Stop it, Jay!" and smacked his hand off her thigh.  
"You're like a horny teenager."  
They hadn't had much time to get it on since they've all practically pulled an all-nighter in the last couple of days and Jay's desperation was clearly showing.  
"You'll just have to wait for tonight."  
Instead of seeing pure passion in his ocean blue eyes like she expected, she saw fear.  
"Oh shit..."

She turned around to see three men walking towards them, only a few feet away from the car. Since they were too busy fooling around, they haven't even noticed them approaching. She cursed for allowing herself to get distracted so easily. No wonder the District has strict rules on in-house relationships since this was definitely the downside of dating your partner.

As Carlos Solis walked over to the squad car, he held his head up high, knowing well enough that the cops had nothing on him. He had seen his opportunity and could very well end it for those detectives but didn't since there wouldn't be any fun in blowing their brains out just yet. He needed to torment them first. Smirking, he felt the pretty detective's eyes pierced through his skin.

He knocked on the window as both Jay and Erin silently cursed for the trouble they're about to be in. Voight will be pissed.  
"Hello Detectives." he said once she rolled the window down. His gentle manner, warm smile, attractiveness and crisp button down shirt would've fooled the rest of the world but not her, she thought. However, she had to admit, if she hadn't known any better, she would've been deceived as well. He just had one of those faces. No one in their right mind would've thought this man was capable of committing despicable acts.

Erin glared at him, not giving him the time of day. She just hated when cases involved kids. Those dead girls were so young and had their whole lives ahead of them. But he selfishly ripped their lives away in a blink of an eye for his own greed by taking advantage of their innocence and trust and pawned them as drug mules.

He gave the detectives a warm smile. Articulating a totally different emotion. "Oh. Lovely to see you too."

Carlos Solis was not your typical lowlife drug kingpin. He came from a well off, privileged background, received a law degree from Harvard and is now living in one of the most affluent parts of Chicago. But instead of doing justice and putting criminals behind bars, he, himself, is a criminal. Dealing in some of Chicago's purest narcotics, a crystalline alkaloid also known as cocaine. The fact that the concoction was the newest item on the market and at its purest, coming all the way from Colombia made every buyer running for more.

"You know detective. You're not teenagers anymore. You don't have to hide your relationship from your daddy." he spoke calmly, slightly sticking his head into the window.  
The fact that he knew about her relationship with both Voight and Jay only meant that he've been researching and watching them for god knows how long. And it very much fuelled her fear.  
"Oh. Come on, sweetheart. Don't look so shocked."  
"We'll catch you, you bastard!" Jay lashed out, jumping up from his seat as he felt his face turn bright red. He've contained his anger and haven't said a word all this time but was at his last straws at 'sweetheart'.

Carlos let out an evil laugh, "You lovebirds are too...what's that word" he said tapping his index finger to his temple.  
"...infatuated with each other to catch me..." he said condescendingly.  
"I'm still waiting detectives."

* * *

A file almost smacked Jay on the face as Voight flung it across his office. Erin, standing next to Jay, was very much shocked by Voight's sudden eruption. Her brain needed to quickly come up with an excuse for how they messed up since the truth will surely be too much for Voight to handle right now.

"Great! You two managed to screw this up for all of us!"  
Both braced themselves for the endless screams that's about to come.  
Leaning back on his seat, Voight crossed his arm, calming himself down. "Now we're back to square one. Halstead, I want an explanation."

Jay looked up from his shoe. Beads of sweat started to form around his forehead as he struggled to come up with an excuse.  
"Hank-"  
"I'm not asking you Lindsay, am I?"  
Jay better not tell the truth if he wants to live to see tomorrow she thought.

"Umm...we...ahh" Jay stuttered. His mind just went pitch black.  
"I'm really sorry, Sarge. I just started babbling about nothing. And you know how I get." he laughed nervously. "I just couldn't stop talking. It was all my fault. All of it. Lindsay was distracted because of me." Jay finally said, looking at Voight with a straight face. He, himself, was a little taken back by the ridiculous story he had just told.  
Shaking his head, Voight knew it wasn't the truth and just shrugged it off. Points for him for saving Erin and throwing himself under the bus. He wasn't sure about their relationship status and obviously didn't want there to be a status if any sort. But at least now he knows that Jay will always have her back no matter what.

Just then, Adam knocked on the door, sticking his head in the office in total oblivion.  
"Oops sorry. Didn't mean to..." he said only when Erin gave him a look.  
"What is it, Ruzek?"

"The Colombian Embassy finally came through." he said waving some papers in his hand which definitely caught Voight's attention, beckoning him to come in.  
"The families have all been contacted. They're all from Bogota. The girls never came home after school on Friday.'' Adam said, showing Jay and Erin the photos before passing it to Voight.

Three Colombian girls, months to turning 18, were now dead since they trusted the wrong people.

''AnnaMaria Guerrero, Maja Salvador and Magdalena Santiago.'' Voight read their names out loud as he scanned through the notes the embassy had provided them. These young girls finally had names and were no longer Jane Doe which was a relief to the team.

They all now wondered how these girls had gotten themselves into such mess. They couldn't even imagine them talking about drugs, yet alone smuggling them. They were on their last year of high school and obviously excited for College. Erin remembered how excited she was to graduating and now felt the rage build up inside since they'll never get to experience it. Right then and there, she vowed to find out the truth. She had to, for the girls.

''Well, it's night now. We'll probably have to wait till tomorrow for more information. Go home. Get some rest.'' Voight said and they all walked out.

* * *

Jay had made reservations at a fancy Italian restaurant. He called in a favour with the manager, who was a family member of one of his army buddies, or else he would've to wait for months. Erin had always raved about wanting to eat at that restaurant whenever they passed by. Since she've been really down and exhausted late, he wanted her to de-stress and just have a good time. He knew how heavy the death of those girls weighed on her.

"How are you feeling?'' he kissed the back of her hand as they walked back to her apartment.  
She knows he was concerned since he knew how these kinds of cases can take a toll on her.  
''I am okay.'' she said, laying her head on his shoulder as they continued walking.

Every now and then as they walk, Erin would look up at him with a smile. Sneaking him with those adorable dimples that made his love for her even more compelling. He knows they'll last forever.

''Gosh, you're so beautiful.'' he said in awe, tucking a few strand of hair behind her ears. It had actually surprised her since no one has ever abruptly stop to admire her beauty.  
She laughed, "You've got way too much to drink, mister." she squealed when he hauled her closer to his chest.  
''Nope. If I remembered correctly, it was you who had 2 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon."  
"I'm impressed babe." she gave him a little pat on the back, "Congrats for not butchering it."

He leaned in closer, brushing his lips against hers while his hands slowly travelled down her body. She felt as if her whole body was on fire at every touch. It was like her first kiss all over again but even better.  
In no time, she was completely wrapped in his embrace. Her arms were around his neck and he could feel the rapid beating of her heart against his own. Jay hauled her into his chest when the kiss deepened, hoping to extend the moment for as long as possible.

She pulled back, looking into his ocean blue eyes.  
''I love you, Jay.'' she whispered, caressing his cheek with the tip of her fingers. Feeling absolutely stupid that it took her 3 years to tell him just that. She've always known that she'll love him one day and regretted not letting him love her sooner.  
''I love you too, babe.''

A loud screech echoed through the deserted street. They looked to their right when a van pulled up. Multiple hands grabbed them from behind which only made it harder to fight. She dug her heels as hard as possible into whosever feet to make a run for it but he held onto her even tighter. A searing pain radiated across her cheek along with a few seconds of blurred vision.  
"TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF HER! I SWEAR! I WILL KILL YOU!" In a distance, she heard Jay screamed. He too was fighting back but there were just too many of them.

She held her breath at seeing the cloth in his hand. She kicked and screamed for Jay when they grabbed her arms and legs, throwing her to the back of the vehicle. She cried out once again as she watched Jay fell lifeless onto the pavement.

He leaned closer, placing the damp cloth over her nose and mouth while she continued to hold her breath. Not daring to breathe even in the slightest.  
"You can't hold your breath forever, sweetheart."  
His husky voice rang in her ears as she finally tasted the sweet aroma.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

At hearing the car doors flung open, she looked around to see pure darkness. Realising then that she was blindfolded. A strong hand grabbed her roughly by the arm, almost yanking it off. He hadn't even given her a chance to get up on her feet before she fell flat on her stomach. She laid down on the ground in dismay when a harsh kick to the ribs caused her to cry out loud, literally taking her breath away.

"Get up!" he ordered. She groaned still trying to comprehend the outcomes of their evening. Their night that she've been planning for days was now ruined. They were supposed to be at home having a good time, not being kidnapped and tortured.

She screamed once again when his shoe met her ribs, on the same spot. Rolling over, she managed to get up on all fours, huffing for air.

"Erin!" Jay had heard her cries. He can hear the pain that she's in with every cry. He wiggled around in frustration and anger, wanting to get free and loosen the ropes that bound him to the chair. He needed to get free so he could kill those men who was hurting her. But realising then, he was just as hopeless.

"I'm going to kill you! You hear me! You, son of a bitch! Once I get the chance, I will kill you with my bare hands!" he shouted. They were hurting his girl and he had feared the worst. Just the thought of them pulling a strand of her hair made his blood boil. He would've done anything for Erin. Even if that meant killing a human being. Sadly, at this point there was nothing he could do.

He heard laughter followed by a harsh slap across his face that caused him along with the chair, he was tied to, to topple over and fall awkwardly to the ground. He struggled in defeat to get free, to free himself from the haunting sounds of Erin's endless screams.

* * *

Voight walked out of his office, scanning the bullpen. "Anybody seen Lindsay and Halstead?"  
The question causing the whole Unit to look up from their computers. The boys knew about their relationship status and knew not to say anything.

"Ah...They're probably stuck in traffic." Antonio finally said when the rest of the Unit eyed him to answer. "Accident happened on Madison." he explained.

Voight just nodded and slowly walked back to his office, knowing something wasn't quite right. It wasn't like them to not call when running late, especially Erin. He sat back on his chair and tried not to worry too much about her since she wasn't a little girl anymore. He's definitely going to give them a piece of his mind when they finally show up. But what's the coincidence of the both of them running late?

* * *

"Erin...Er...Er..."  
Erin opened her eyes, seeing nothing but darkness once again. Her whole body was in excruciating pain, her skin was stinging and head was pounding. Her hands were tied together behind the back of a chair. She tried to pull them apart but couldn't.

"Erin..." Jay whispered again. He've been calling out for her for the past 30 minutes and had expected the worst when she didn't respond.  
"Jay?" she frantically looked around to find the direction of his voice.

"Are you okay?" his voice was shaking, filled with sorrow and worry, "What did they do to you?"  
''...Nothing.'' she whispered. She didn't want to talk about it. She couldn't let Jay think any less of her.

Jay could tell she didn't want to talk about it so he didn't force her. All he could feel right now was guilt and shame. He had promised to protect her no matter the circumstances but now he had failed her. ''We'll be alright. I'm sure they're looking for us.''

Looking around the big, dark and empty hall they were in, he was pretty sure that they were in an abandoned warehouse. ''We'll get out of this. I know we will.'' he reassured her once again.

Erin doesn't know who he was trying to convince because she knew it in her heart that it was all false hope. They were never going to get out alive. And she knew if they did, it won't end well.

He needed her to know that they were going to be fine, that they both will leave this hell hole alive.  
''I think I dropped my phone when they took us."  
"Voight will obviously notice that we're not in. They'll find us, Erin. I know that for sure.'' he repeated over and over again.

He loathed himself for not doing anything for her earlier. Never in a million years did he thought he'll betray her. He had just sat there sobbing in defeat, trying to block the sounds of her cries while she screamed for him.  
Now as he thought about it, he didn't want to know what they did to her since he knew he couldn't live with himself knowing the truth.

* * *

Adam and Antonio were now walking down the street where Jay's phone have been traced.

When 2 hours have passed and they still hadn't showed up for work, Voight knew their absence wasn't just because of traffic anymore. The past hour or so have been a frantic one for the Unit as numerous phone calls were being made as well as searching their apartments and security footages to try and trace their missing officers.

Adam and Antonio walked in a bar that was close to where the phone was pinged in the hopes of finally getting some answers.

''We're closed.'' a woman shouted from behind the bar.  
''Chicago PD. We'd like to ask you a question, ma'am.'' Antonio said as both men showed their badges.  
''Is there a problem?'' she asked concerned.  
''No, ma'am. I need to know whether anyone had left their phone here last night?'' asked Antonio.  
''Last night? No. I was just cleaned up the place...Sorry...ummm...but I can look again."  
''Great. Thanks ma'am. Call this number and ask for a Detective Antonio Dawson.'' Antonio said and they walked out.

Standing out on the street, Antonio ran his hand through his face in frustration since they were no where near in finding their friends.  
He took out his phone and dialled Jay's number once again.  
Adam ran to the curb a few feet away at hearing the phone ring. Looking at the large crack across the screen, his heart pounded hard in his chest. His friends were in grave danger.  
''This isn't good.''

* * *

Hours had passed but it felt like days since they last took a breath of fresh air. They were exhausted and in dire need of water.  
They hadn't heard anything nor did any of the men came by for hours.

Erin had finally drifted off when she heard several voices. She tried to listen in on their conversation but couldn't quite understand since they were speaking in Spanish.

''Reservar un vuelo a Bogotá. Ella puede traer. ¡Tú! Obtener el pasaporte.'' a familiar voice ordered.

Jay looked Carlos Solis straight in the eyes. Not blinking for even a second. Erin was still blindfolded but can sense that they weren't alone anymore.

She heard a loud thud followed by Jay grunting.  
"Jay! What's going on?"  
"Nothing, sweetheart. We're just playing a game." Carlos Solis said as he pulled the blindfold off.

She knew Carlos Solis was behind this all along. But why? Why now? Why would he want to jeopardise his operation and kidnap cops? He wasn't that stupid and must know that every police officer in Chicago are most like looking for them.  
'They must be planning something big.' she thought.

"¡Hazlo!"

With that the other men started, kicking, punching and throwing Jay around like a piece of trash. All Jay could do was scream in agony. Since his hands were still tied together to the back, he wasn't able to defend himself.

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Please!" Erin screamed at the top of her lungs at Solis, begging for him to stop. She tried pulling at the ropes but somehow it felt like with every thug it just further dug into her skin. She was helpless, probably the same way Jay had felt.

A harsh kick to his ribs and the men finally stopped. Rolling over to his side, he tried gasping for air but somehow he just kept coughing blood out. He knew that wasn't a good sign. Every cell in his body was now in extreme pain but all he could worry about was Erin. Looking up at her, he can see tears streaming down her cheeks as she cursed and screamed at Solis all the while pulling at the ropes. Realising that she was suffering just as much.

Just when Erin thought it had ended, Solis grabbed Jay by the hair, pulling out a knife, resting the sharp end of the knife on his jugular vein. She looked at Jay wide eyed as he too looked at her in fear.

As a former Ranger and now cop, Jay had always thought death would be by a bullet. A quick and simple death. Never did he thought of any other possibilities. But now as he stared at Erin, scared, he just hoped she would close her eyes. He couldn't let her watch him die since he knew she wouldn't be able to handle it this time.

''So, sweetheart. Tell me why you lovely detectives keep paying me a visit.'' Solis said with a smile.

Jay tried not to breathe even in the slightest. Not only was it excruciating to do so but also he was afraid if he did, he was sure it would end him right then and there. He didn't want Erin to witness such bloodshed.  
"I love you." he mouthed to her. He needed her to know that before it was too late.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Laying on the cold hard floor, Jay quickly opened his eyes. He was immediately blinded by a bright light staring right above him. He smiled just then.  
For a split second, he had thought he was dead and that now, he was in heaven. But that was all false hope since the sudden torturous pain from his entire body flooded all at once, resulting in him screaming in pain.

He frantically looked around the warehouse for Erin. It was empty. Although his ribs were screaming at him, he tried his very best to sit up. This pain was definitely on the top of his list but he needed to find her. He can't let her down again.

Just then, he saw the chair she was sitting on, smashed and broken into pieces. Pushing himself through the pain, he tried to sit up, to look for her, but only to falling back down on the ground since his sides were too much to bare.

Once again, in defeat, he laid on the ground in fear of reality.  
"ERIN!" he called out.  
Responding back at him were only the sounds of his echoes.

* * *

''Anything?'' Voight yelled as he entered the bullpen. The boys looked up at him. They've been looking through Jay's phone, security footages around the area to find any trace of Carlos Solis and his men but couldn't find anything suspicious. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Solis was behind their disappearance.

Carlos Solis really did knew what he was doing. Solis would do anything and everything just to get those stupid drugs around the world. He must have been planning this all along to be able to completely blindside the Intelligence Unit. To cut them off guard by taking their own. That thought just further fuelled Voight's temper. Solis always managed to be three steps ahead.

''Anything?!'' he yelled again when no one replied the first time.

''No...Ahh...I've found were texts in Jay's phone. Nothing suspicious.'' Antonio said.  
The only thing Antonio had found were sweet messages between Jay and Erin and he was, sure in hell, not going to show them to Voight. Some were even deemed too inappropriate for a father to see. He knew it wouldn't be right if he were to expose their relationship. At the same time, he didn't want to keep any possible evidence away from Voight. Realising that some of them were indeed important.

''We think Jay might've been staying at Erin's. His car was parked there." Kevin said as he saw an opportunity. They all felt bad that this was the way Voight had to find out about them. The timing didn't make any of it less shocking.  
"According to the texts, they had something planned for last night... Didn't say where." Antonio added.

''Maybe they're out together... Somewhere...In a hotel.'' said Adam optimistically. He had hoped that they were just at a fancy hotel, passed out and hangover, instead of something much worse. It was typical of Adam to see the bright side of every bad situation.

''They're too responsible for that.'' Olinsky shook his head. ''They love their jobs too much. I know love makes you do stupid things, but this...they'd never do something like this.''

Voight was now furious. All he heard was what Kevin Atwater had said. He can't believe Jay would disobey his direct orders. Who does he think he is for defying him? For not keeping it in his pants. And most importantly, who does he think he is for sleeping with his daughter?

He sighed since this shouldn't be his main concern right now. The safe return of his two officers should be his utmost importance at the moment.  
''Ok. Dawson, Olinsky find out where they went last night. Go there, ask around if anybody seen anything. The rest of you help Mouse go through all the security cams in Chicago.'' Voight ordered.

All three of them just sat there with their mouths hanging open. Antonio and Olinsky can't help but feel grateful that it wasn't their assignment. Voight must be out of his mind they thought.

"But that's like thousands and thousands of footage, Boss." Adam whined at the outrageousness of their assignment. "You can't possibly think we can go through all of them."  
"That's why there's 3 of you."

* * *

Jay was still laying on the ground, trying to stay conscious when the door burst open. It was Solis and Erin. He was holding her tightly by the arm.  
"Make it quick. We don't have much time." Solis shoved Erin roughly to the ground, right next to Jay.

Instead of the black dress she was wearing yesterday, Erin was now in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Her hair was now curly and in a deeper shade of mahogany. Streaks of black tears streamed down her face as she burst into tears. She've never been so petrified in her entire life. Jay pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back as she cried.

''What's going on?'' he wiped the tears off her face and looked her in the eyes, only to see that she was completely mortified.  
''They...they made me swallow it, Jay...I didn't want to but...they made me do it. They said they would kill you if I didn't swallow the balloons."

'Balloons?' Just like the ones found in those girls. He must be having a really bad dream he thought. He just couldn't believe his ears. They were having her to smuggle cocaine and he was now afraid for Erin. He knew the likelihood for those balloons to erupt is enormously high and with that amount of drugs in her system, he knew she wouldn't make it.

She sobbed in his arms, seizing the last opportunity she had with him. Jay had never actually seen her cry before and it broke his heart. He've always been astonished by her courage and strength but now as she cried, he knew she was scared. He knew she was terrified that she wouldn't make it.

"Vámonos!" Solis grabbed her arm, ready to haul her to her feet.  
"Don't touch her you dick!" Jay yelled from behind Erin, making the hair on her arms stand up. Jay shoved his arm in front of her, pulling her back. Protecting her.

Shaking, Erin was crying hysterically as she still held onto to Jay for dear life. He shouldn't have done that. What was he thinking?

"No! Jay!" Solis didn't pause for a second, he threw a heavy punch, knocking Jay. At the same time, he grabbed a bunch of her hair and dragged Erin to her feet.  
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Jay growled.

Suddenly Jay's whole demeanour changed, realising that defying Solis wouldn't do them any good. "Ok. Please take me! I'll be your mule! Just let her go! Please..." Jay tried reasoning with Solis.  
Solis let out an evil laugh, "C'mon, Detective. We gotta be realistic here..." he hasn't relinquished his hold on her wrist when he violently hauled her even closer, to make her watch.  
Solis turned crimson red and was now fuming in rage. He stepped on Jay's ribs, slowly putting pressure on his swollen side.

Erin watched, unable to move, while Solis laughed at Jay, calling him every name in the book. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please...just stop!" Erin dropped to her knees, right in front of Solis. She couldn't take Jay's screams anymore.

He immediately stopped, picking her off the ground. "Anything for my wife, Mrs Solis." he then held her hand up, to rub the huge rock in Jay's face. Erin was surprised when he leaned in for a peck on the cheek. It just left her feeling repulsed.

She hadn't got a choice but to comply with Solis's ridiculous plan of pretending to be his wife. She was literally forced into this role in order to save Jay's life.  
Jay knew it was all a sham but he had to admit, he was now a little bothered that his ring wouldn't be the first in her finger.

''We are bringing a new load of cocaine to Bogotá.'' Solis informed, wrapping his arm around Erin like a husband would.  
Solis and his man were to smuggle about 700g of cocaine to Bogotá, Colombia so he thought it would be a brilliant idea to have Erin be the human drug mule. He didn't trust anyone but himself to supervise the transaction so he came up with a little role play.

Erin cringed the moment Solis touched her and shrugged her shoulders. She can feel Jay's stare piercing through her skin but couldn't get herself to look up her feet. She was too ashamed and disgusted of herself.  
Jay's head was spinning with countless of thoughts. The fact that Solis had just kissed his girlfriend and called her his wife was the least of his concerns. He feared that he might have done or will do something much more than a peck on the cheek.

Solis and Erin started walking towards the door and she turned around one last time to say goodbye.

''They'll find out that she is a cop. She won't get pass security.'' Jay shouted.  
''Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. But by the time they do, she will already be gone.'' Solis looked down at Erin and grinned, showing off his perfectly chiselled face. "With me. Having the time of her life...Well, if she makes it."

''She's a cop. She will do the right thing." Jay had hoped that Erin understood his message. He needed her to know that if an opportunity for her to get away rises, she shouldn't be thinking of him but instead of saving herself.

''If she does, you will die.'' Solis replied as he dragged Erin out the door.

A breeze of cold air filled the dull lighted and Jay suddenly realised that he'll never get to see Erin again. He'll never be able to touch, hold, and kiss the love of his life ever again.  
That was when he burst into tears. It was now his turn to cry. Reality had hit him hard, he hadn't actually thought today would be the end. Hopefully, she would do the right thing and find a way to reach out to the authorities even if it would cost his life. He didn't care, he just wanted her to be safe.

''C'mon, you're a man!'' One of Solis's man laughed at his loud cries as he rested the gun on his temple.

* * *

Antonio and Olinsky walked into the Italian restaurant that Jay and Erin visited last night. After hours of dead ends, they were finally onto something. It was already half past 8 and they still hadn't found them which never is a good sign.

They walked into the high class, fancy restaurant and were surprised to know that Jay and Erin had actually spent time here. It really didn't seem like their style.

Looking around the dimly lighted restaurant, they noticed people staring at them in shock and disbelief. They must've realised that they were the police from their badges. Some diners had even left in the middle of their meal since they were scared that something was terribly wrong.

"Excuse me. Sorry, sir. We're not taking reservations for tonight." the hostess smiled up at them.  
''Chicago P.D. Were these two here last night?'' Olinsky asked, getting to the point and flashed their badges and a pictures of Erin and Jay.  
"I'm sorry. I don't know. I wasn't on shift last night. Just wait, I'll go ask the manger."

They waited for a minute or two until she came back with a middle aged man.  
"What can I do for you detectives?"  
"Were they in your restaurant last night?" Olinsky handed him the pictures while the manger took out his glasses.  
"Oh my god. This is Jay." he exclaimed.

Both detectives exchanged puzzled looks at each other. "You know him?"  
"Yea...No. I mean, kinda. He's friends with my brother. He called, yesterday, asking for a favour."  
"Is everything ok? Are they alright?" The manager asked his questions frantically and was genuinely concerned.  
The detectives decided to ignore his questions since they, themselves, hadn't got a clue.  
''Do you have any cameras 'round here?'' Antonio asked and the manager nodded.

He lead them to an office at the back of the restaurant. Numerous of screens filled the room when they walked in.  
"They left around 10:30 last night." The manger muttered as he pressed a few keys on the keyboard.

Seconds later, they were watching a footage of Jay and Erin walking out of the restaurant, hand-in-hand. Followed by some kissing which they both knew would just further fuel Voight's anger. A breeze of cold shivered down their spine at what they saw next; Erin and Jay were pulled into a vehicle. But not without putting up a fight first. They watched until they saw Erin being manhandled into the car while Jay fell to his feet, lifeless.

Looking down at the very pale and shaken manager, Olinsky put a hand on his shoulder, reassuring him. "We'll need a copy of all your security footage."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Erin walked towards the check-in at Chicago O'Hare with Carlos Solis right next to her, playing the role of his wife.  
The ride to the airport was a hellish one for her. Not only was she uncomfortable due to the foreign substance in her stomach but also because she was smashed in between two giants, Solis's men.

Suddenly, he grabbed her hands and she halted. Startled and afraid of what this unpredictable man would do.  
"Oh! No! Don't even think about it." she glared at him.

Without even listening to her, he intertwined his fingers with hers. "It wouldn't look realistic, sweetheart."  
She tried breaking free of his tight grasp, "I don't care. Don't touch me." she said, careful to not bring any unwanted attention to themselves.  
"Think about your pretty boyfriend." he arched his brow. He didn't need to further explain his words since she clearly understood his threat.

Erin stared at the departure gate. Numerous thoughts ran through her head as her stomach started cramping which never is a good sign. Her faith was just like those three Colombian girls. Over before they knew it.  
For a second, she thought about running to the guards, running to safety, to save herself. But that only meant killing the one person she'll ever love. His safety was literally in her hands and she'd never forgive herself if Jay dies, especially knowing that it all could be prevented.  
Going through the ridiculous plan was the only way out. She trusted that her Unit will find her in time. Knowing for certain that Voight will never rest until she's safe with him.

"Babe. The lady's talking to you." Solis rested his hand on the small of her back, snapping her from her thoughts.  
She looked at the young lady like a deer in headlights all the while Solis slowly gripping her wrist tighter and tighter. Silently warning her.

"Huh?...Oh I'm so sorry." she laughed while still keeping a straight face. "I'm just so excited." she placed her hands on his chest, playing her role well, and looked into his hazel eyes. She can't help help but notice those eyes glistening back at her. He looked surprisingly calm. A sense of tranquility even.  
"Don't worry. I totally understand. I just got back from my honeymoon. I'm sure you two will enjoy Colombia. Have a safe flight Mr and Mrs Solis."

If only the young lady knew what she was praying to happen.

* * *

Will Halstead walked up the stairs to District 21. He loves the adrenaline rush he would get at watching the hustle and bustle that lives in that building. Phones ringing, officers running around the space felt so comforting. The same atmosphere that keeps him going at the ER.  
After a long shift at the hospital, a drink or two with a few of his friends and brother was exactly what he needed.

As he had anticipated, Sargent Platt was standing behind the desk in the lobby and was shouting on the phone like always. He absolutely adores her bold, straight-to-the-point kind of attitude and understands completely to why Burgess was always complaining and confused. The stories she would tell at Molly's always had there heads scratching at the end. You never really know if Platt's being sarcastic or not.

"Evening Sarge." he chimed as he leaned on the desk, waiting for her sassy remarks.  
Platt turned around, annoyed that someone was disrupting her in the middle of her conversation. But the colour in her face immediately drained at the sight of him. "Will?"

"What are you doing here? Did Voight called you?" she asked. He seemed oddly jolly for a brother going through a tough time.  
'Maybe that's his coping mechanism.' she said to herself.

Will furrowed his brows, "No. I just came to see my brother."  
He was perplexed, now that Platt hadn't made any remarks on his outfit or face for a matter of fact. He knows there's something she's not telling him.  
"Why would Voight want to see me?" he shrugged.  
Platt's eyes almost popped out of her eye sockets as she pieced up the puzzle. "Those idiots. They haven't told you..." she ran her hands through her coarse hair in frustration. Ready to pull them out.

"Haven't told me what?" Will shook his head, scared of what she'd say. Her body language had said it all but he had to hear it for himself. This wasn't any different from the news he'd have to deliver on a daily basis. He've seen it all too often.

At that moment, she saw Burgess trying to glide out the lobby with the hopes of her not noticing. Platt wasn't stupid, she've noticed it all along. "You! Burgess!"  
Kim halted in her steps, slowly turning on her heel with a helpless smile. She should've just gone through the back door, she thought. The last person she'd want to come across is a grieving brother.

"Take him to the conference room, officer." Platt said while mouthing her not to say a word.  
"Yes, Sarge." she narrowed her eyes, confused but knew better than to run her mouth especially when Platt's furious.  
"Get your asses down here!" she screamed into the phone and slammed it back to the receiver.

"None of you thought about notifying Will Halstead, the brother of Jay Halstead, that his very own brother have been kidnapped by some...freaky...drug smugglers!" she screamed at the top of her lungs the moment the gate opened and came flooding were the detectives.  
"And you fools call yourselves 'The Intelligence Unit'." she snickered and made sure to make air quotations at their title.

With all the investigation, phone call, visits and footages that they all had to review, informing Will of his brother's disappearance must have slipped their minds. None of them could comprehend how that was even possible. And was completely shamed of their actions as they now, finally, informed Will of the events of last night.

Voight knew he was in the wrong. As the head of Intelligence, he calls the shots in every case. He should've asked Dawson to go down to Med. Or any one of them for a matter of fact. He should've known better than to get too preoccupied on one thing. But he hadn't got a choice especially when it involves his daughter.

Will just glared at them. Dumbfounded by the news they've just given him. It was all too much, in a short period of time, for his head to process and wrap around. It didn't make any sense to why they didn't notify him earlier.  
"What's wrong with you people?!"

* * *

Walking through security at an airport was never so nerve-wracking for Erin. All she wished right now is for Voight to finally find Jay. At least, one of them would be safe. She kept licking her lips and rubbing her palms against her jeans, to dry her sweat-soaked hands but somehow it just kept getting damper. All the telltale signs of a dishonest person. She knows as long as she sticks to the plan and not do anything she'll regret, Jay will be safe. That's what she kept telling herself.

Her nervousness must've been written all over her face because the next thing she knew it, Solis yet again grabbed her wrist.  
"Seriously stop!"  
"You better not screw this up. We're halfway there and I didn't work this hard for you to mess this up for me. Gotta it?" his harsh whisper vibrated in her ears. He was furious and she wondered whether this man had some sort of mental issue. One minute, he's calm and collected. The next, he's a nightmare.

"Ok. Ok. Whatever." she shrugged and walked towards the female section. She passed through the scanner as the security personnel stared down at her, studying her closely.

She sighed in both a relief and disappointment as they let her through. They probably weren't doing their jobs properly since she clearly showed signs of being guilty. Or that's what she had hoped portrayed on her face.  
She made a mental note of writing heartfelt letter of her disappointment about the security at the airport. Only if she survives this ordeal that is.

* * *

"Si...pero...ok boss." Jay heard one of the man said before hanging up. He knows it was Solis on the other side of the phone and hoped Erin did the right thing.

"They're already on the plane..." Jay shook his head, disappointed. Not at her but at himself. For not being able to protect her. He just really wanted Erin to get caught. It may sound horrible but her getting arrested would mean that she'll be safe.

''Since you're not of any purpose for us anymore...'' the man, once again, cocked his gun and pointed at Jay's temple.  
He closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable as his life flashed before his eyes. All he saw was Erin.

"DO IT! SHOOT ME ALREADY!" he screamed at the three men. Of course Solis wouldn't keep his end of the deal.  
What was Erin thinking of trusting him?

This plan was all for nothing since the outcome would've still been the same.  
Death.  
Erin should've listened to him and just given herself up at the airport. At least he would die knowing that she's safe. But now he wouldn't.

Suddenly a burst of laughter erupted. They were laughing at him. Infuriated, Jay sucker punched the man holding the gun. Strength and energy he didn't know he had even after all the injuries.

The gun slipped out of the goon's hand and slid a few feet across the open space. At that moment, time seemed to slowed down, everything was in slow motion as the four men looked at each other. The next thing Jay knew, he was headed for the gun. It clearly wasn't the best idea and had to learn the hard way when he landed awkwardly on his side as one of the three man lunged at him. The other man successfully seized the gun while the other kept reminding him that he just made the worst decision of his life.

They dragged him by the hair, endlessly kicking him anywhere and everywhere. There wasn't much that he could do but defend himself with his helpless arms. One vicious kick to the head left him nauseous and seeing stars. He was bound to loss this fight.

The man that he had punched came back with something in his hands. Jay tried to focus against the blurriness of his vision but failed.  
"Holy shit." he whispered.

Jay yanked hard from the two men that was holding him down, trying to get free. But there was no way he could break hold from the giants.

The burning sound from the small igniting flame echoed. The light from the blow torch overpowered the dimly lighted space. Heat filled the room. Adrenaline rushed in his system as he struggled against their hold.  
Sweating profusely, he watched in horror as sparks flew the moment the flame and metal rod collided. Instantly, turning it bright red.

"STOPPPP!" Jay grunted at the failed attempts of his pleas. A blood curdling scream echoed as his body seized in burning agony.

* * *

Antonio parked his car in the parking lot at the District after getting changed. The Unit have been up all night and hadn't made much progress. The fact that it has already been over a day made them even more restless. To their dismay, there weren't any ransom calls nor were there any signs of Solis at his place of residence. And on the streets of Chicago for a matter of fact. It was like he vanished into thin air. But he knew he shouldn't lose hope. They will find something. They need to.

A loud screech, followed by doors closing can be heard as Antonio walked towards the District doors. Police sirens and yelling resonated as he pushed pass the commotion.

"10-45! We need a bus!" a police officer yelled into his radio.  
"JAY." Antonio hurried to his side. He didn't know whether to be relieved or mortified at seeing his friend laying, beat and broken, on the pavement. Fearing that he was dead since it sure didn't seem like he was breathing.

Voight came out of nowhere. Looking down at his battered, bloodied and shattered body, he dropped to his knees and placed two fingers on the side of his neck.  
All he could think of was Erin. If this was Jay's faith, what about his daughter's?

* * *

Erin listened to the sounds of birds chirping. Sun rays hitting her face as she laid in bed. She hoped Jay was well and free. Hoping that Solis would let him go once the drugs were out.  
She smiled and reminisced of the happy days where she would wake up to Jay lightly snoring next to her in the middle of the night. Ironically, it was just 3 nights ago.

Rolling on her side, her smile was turned upside down when she met his glance. Solis have been watching her all day.  
After 8 hours of the worst flight in her entire life, she was brought into a very large and luxurious mansion a few kilometres away from the city. At least that's what she thought since she was blindfolded during the ride. Growing up poor, she've always dreamt of living in a big house. She've always wanted to step foot in a house where ceilings were barely reachable. With all that illegal money, it sure wasn't a surprise that he could afford this beautiful mansion.  
''What?'' she snapped.

She was super cranky and furious at Solis. And was now starving. He had refused to give her any food or water until the drugs had passed her bowels. Every time she made her way to the toilet, thinking it was time, nothing happened. She knew the drugs would eventually pass her system and prayed it would happen sooner.

"For a tiny woman, you've got one big, bitchy attitude!" he yelled angrily, before pulling her by the arm and dragging her to the bathroom. There really wasn't any point in fighting back anymore since she knew she'd probably be killed sooner or later.

Her dignity was literally stripped down as she sat down on the toilet. ''I don't have all day!'' he shouted, close to her ears. She jumped, his voice ranging in her ear.  
With her tear stricken eyes, she looked up at his bulging hazel ones. "I can't...I can't...do it if you keep staring at me." she gritted.  
"Fine." he smiled, closing the door.

She wrapped her arms around her torso, the cramps were unbearable. Biting her lip, she tried not to cry. For someone who's obsessed with control, her life was now a nightmare since it was literally out of her control and in the hands of a psycho. She was so terrified for the imminent future and that wasn't even the worst part of this ordeal.  
Not knowing if Jay's still alive was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

After an extended shift, Kim and Roman were grateful that their time at the 21st District has now officially ended. But as they pulled over to the parking lot, they saw two men push something large out of the car. A body laying lifeless by the curb.  
"Seriously?" Kim said. All she ever wanted was to go home and sleep the day away.

Both were about to run out of the car, they had a sick feeling that it was Jay, but knew they were the closest to tailing that car. Kim pressed down on the accelerator the moment she saw officers rushed over to his aid.

Lights, sirens blaring as the police scanner crackled alive.  
"15-3A. 10-80. Pursuit in progress. Black escalade. No license plate. Travelling southbound on Morgan." Roman shouted into the radio.  
"10-4. All available units respond."

Kim turned a corner, nearly tipping the squad car over in the process when the Escalade made a wild right turn onto a narrow road. Her heart pounded hard on her chest as she struggled to catch up with the speeding vehicle.  
The scanner blared alive once again, confirming that the body dumped was none other than Jay Halstead. She didn't realise she was holding her breath until just then. Now, that Jay has finally been found, she was certain that today, they'd find her best friend, Erin.

Grasping the wheel tighter, goosebumps exploded all over her body when a cold air whizzed pass her ear. A bullet, hitting the backseat. Missing her by just a few millimetres.  
"Shit!" she yelled. Looking at the web-liked pattern on the windshield. "Platt won't be happy!"

The Escalade continued hailing bullets at them, she cursed each time it rattled the fragile vehicle. Roman stuck his head out of the car, screaming and waving at the pedestrians. Some were running away. Some were stupidly recording the exhilarating car chase.  
"Are you crazy?!" she screamed. "Get down!" she stretched her arm out to pull Roman back, taking her eye off the road for a split second.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a young boy run out in the middle of the road, a few feet away, to grab his football. With hindsight, she regretted for taking her eyes off the road. Speeding at over 90 mps, there was no way in hell she could stop in time.  
'Oh god!' She can't believe she's going to hit him. With the speed that she was going, there was no chance he'd survive the impact.

"Nooooo!" she stepped hard on the breaks and made a sharp turn, not a second later. The squad car spun in circles, out of control. Missing the boy but crashing into a brick wall.

Kim slammed her head on the steering wheel just as the air bag exploded. They got out of the smoky vehicle, breathless. Roman watched as the black Escalade herd off while Kim hurried to the curb, dropping to her knees and hurled out the contents of her last meal. She knows she's not going home any time soon.

* * *

"Jay." Erin smiled against the pillow as she felt him under the sheets. She haven't slept this well in days and was glad that she finally had. The softness of the bed and blanket just felt so comforting.  
After a long day at work, this was definitely what she needed.  
Although there was an uncanny feel at the back of her mind that something wasn't quite right, like she was just haven't a bad dream, she ignored it, wanting to stay as long as she could with the man she loves.

She moaned when he rubbed the inside of her thigh all the while placing soft kisses up her abdomen. This was definitely a great way to wake up.  
She laughed as he started unbuttoning her pants. "Stop. We're gonna be late."  
"Late for what, sweetheart?" a cold, sadistic voice rang in her ears.

Her heart stopped beating the moment she heard his voice and her eyes swung open. It wasn't Jay Halstead.  
She immediately flung the blanket off the bed and saw her pants halfway down her knees. Solis, in between her, shirtless and grinning up at her. She kicked him harshly on the face and instinctively jumped out of bed, pulling her pants up as she does. Just as she thought she could out run him, he grabbed her by the ankle and tugged it real hard, causing her to fall awkwardly on the edge of the bed.

"Where do you think you're going?" he growled, yanking her closer to the bed.

Clawing at the carpet as he pulled and pulled, she could barely contain herself since she was so exhausted. Having just a tiny portion of food this morning hadn't done much good in recovering her strength. She still had no energy but she knows she had to fight. She has to try since no one's coming to save her any time soon.

"No! No! Nooo!" she screamed as he grabbed hold of both her ankles, peeling off her pants. Solis proved too strong for a petite woman like Erin.

That was when she saw her opportunity to run once again. He now had his hand holding firmly on only one of her ankles. Again, she kicked him on the face. Smiling when she heard a crack and bolted out of the bedroom.  
Pantsless.  
That was the least of her worries.

 _"You little bitch! There's no way out!..."_

She stared at the silent and dimly lighted hallway, stopping for a split second to figure her way out. She pounded, barefoot, down the hallway and down the stairs, taking two steps at a time.

Running was a struggle since with every step she took, her body further ached. But she pushed that to the back of her head since she needed to get out. Unharmed and untouched.

"Yoo hoo! Mrs Solis!" he sang. "Where are you?" she knew he was enjoying this right now. She can practically see the smug smile on his face.

The sporadic mood swings had been very confusing for Erin. He's both an angel and a devil. And clearly wrong in the head. Intelligence had totally underestimated him and his capabilities since he's worse than they had thought.

There weren't any evidence indicating sexual assault on any of the three girls so she doesn't know why he's doing this to her. He's a psychopath who's obsessed with her.

Erin ran towards the front door, closing the distance the moment she saw it. She turned the knob and yanked the handle aggressively but it wouldn't budge.

Of course, he had the doors locked. What was she thinking?  
She's a cop. She should've known better than to waste precious seconds. It seemed like with all the fear and adrenaline, she had forgotten all her training on defending herself.

* * *

"I got it!" Mouse slammed his hand on his desk, causing his cup of coffee to topple down to the floor, "I found it, boss."  
He jumped from his seat, not caring about the mess he had just made. He grabbed his tablet and rushed over to Voight.

They finally got a solid lead. The past few days have been especially difficult for Mouse. His best friend was kidnapped and the worst part was that he couldn't do anything but sit behind a computer. Even though he very much wanted to be out in the field, looking for him. Now that Jay has been found and getting better by the hour, he was relieved.

"Got a positive ID on the driver in the black escalade from one of the traffic cams." he clicked a few times on the screen of his tablet as Voight put on his reading glasses. A long rep sheet popped up along with a mugshot of a scrawny, bald headed man in his early 20s.

"Alex Cordero. 23. In and out of juvie. Numerous prior arrests, mostly drug related. Nothing recent. Last known address 2901 South Roosevelt Avenue." Mouse read out while the Unit listened.

"Dawson, Ruzek. Pay Mr Cordero a visit."

* * *

Erin spun around to see him walking down the stairs, towards her. "Shit!"

She ran as far and fast as possible, anywhere she could, just to get away from the psychopath.

 _"You wanna play games?...Good... cuz I know 'em all."_

Turning a corner, she hoped it'll lead her to the kitchen. Sadly, it didn't. Looking around the living room, she grabbed whatever she could use to defend herself and headed for the first door she saw. Slamming and locking the door shut without a moment to spare.

Crawling into the back of the small closet, she leaned against the wall in a corner, hiding behind neatly ironed suits.

 _"Wanna play hide and seek, huh!"_

She breathed heavily since all the running had left her breathless. Tucking her bare knees to her chest, she shivered. She doesn't know if it was because she was actually really cold or that she's extremely frightened of the events that will most likely happen.

 _"You have 2 choices- you can come out now and I promise I'll be gentle or you can be a bitch about it and make it up to me..."_

His threats, his voice, his steps kept getting closer and closer with every word. She knew there was no way out.

 _"The longer I have to wait, harder it's gonna be."_

The emotions of the situation took over her body. Her heart, pounding violently in her chest at the huge possibility of him finding her.

She needed Voight.

Right now.

In Colombia.

She needed her father to come to her rescue like he always does. But knowing that he wouldn't be able to rescue her tonight because she's thousands of miles away from home just broke her and she burst into tears.

Holding onto the weapon on one hand, she used the other to cover her mouth, to muffle the sounds of her cries.

 _"Ok...Fine...When I find you, you're it..."_

She bit down on her finger in agony as she watched his shadow slowly fill the tiny crack under the door.

The fragile door instantly started pounding with heavy thuds. Trembling, Erin backed herself further into the wall. It subsided and the silence gave her hope.

But that was short lived when she heard a click. That linger of hope disappeared in a blink of an eye and the handle turned. She held her breath as the inevitable happened; he opened the door. Flooding the small closet with bright light.

 _"Hello."_

She charged at him, taking him by surprise and smashed the object across his head. He fell, taking her down as well. He was now bleeding from both his nose and head but was nowhere near fazed. She got back up, prepared to run once more but all to quickly he swung his arm out and smacked her left cheek. The sound, as powerful as a gunshot. A wave of nausea and fatigue surged over her. Due to the enormity of the impact, she collapsed to the ground.

 _"Guess who's ass is mine now."_

His thick hand mangled in her hair and forcibly tugged her. She was sure he had yanked fistfuls of hair.

Erin shrieked at the ripping pain of her scalp as he dragged her back to the bedroom. More tears cascaded down her face since she knew this was all her fault. The consequences of her actions had caught up to her. And she now regret her very stupid decision to run in the first place.

"Ok...Ok...You win...Please...just... What are you doing?..." she panicked as he began cuffing her wrists behind her back.  
"Please don't hurt me...Please...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry!" Erin pleaded when he threw her onto the bed. Her pleas showed nothing but desperation in her voice.

Looking at him with her bloodshot eyes, she can see the damage she had done and was proud of her work.  
She doesn't understand what it is but somehow she felt both drawn to and terrified of him. There was just something alluring about his charm.  
But now as he stared down at her, completely towered over her, sizing her up like a piece of meat, his height, his entire being screamed dangerous .

As a cop, she've seen all sorts of evil, things she don't wish upon her worst enemy. But now she can confidently say that the iniquity she saw in Solis's eyes were nothing she've ever seen.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. I know you want this as much as I do." he spat.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Hey hey wait up..." Adam puffed, trying to catch his breath as they hiked up the last flight of stairs to Alex Cordero's apartment. Since it was an old building, their only choice was to walk up seven floors.

"What are you tryin' out for? The Olympics?" he said in between breaths. Antonio rolled his eyes, wondering how'd he ever survived the academy.

Antonio banged on the door with his fist, "Chicago P.D."There were a few seconds of shuffling. Both detectives glanced at each other, indicating that they had to get their weapons ready, until a petite, tired-eyed blond lady opened the door. They stared wide-eyed at her bulging belly. Adam feared she'd pop at any second. With his luck, the possibility is enormously high.

"What?! You've never seen a pregnant lady!" she snarled, rubbing her swollen abdomen."Sorry, ma'am. Chicago P.D." they flashed their badges, "We're looking for your husband.""Whoa whoa! Just cuz I'm carrying his child, don't mean I'm married to that loser. My idiot boyfriend purposely knocked me up." she sighed, narrowing her eyes at them, "What'd he do this time?"

"A lot. Obstructing justice, evading arrest, aiding and abetting the kidnapping of two police officers, attempted murder of a police officer. And that's just what we know of right now." Adam gazed steadily at her. Her jaw tightened.

Alex Cordero stopped by the corridor on his floor. Two men were at his door, talking to his girlfriend. He was about to approach them until the tiny alloy shined back at him.

"Hey!" Antonio yelled.

Cordero whirled around, eyes widen in panic. He dropped the groceries and bolted for the stairs. It took Antonio about three strides to catch up and tackled him a few flights before bringing him down. The scrawny man in scruffy jeans and oversized jacket tried to throw him off but finally gave in when Antonio twisted his arm behind his back.

"Ow! Ow!" he cried when Antonio kneed him, handcuffing him in the pregnant girlfriend marched to the top of the stairs with Adam next to her. Telling her to relax since he didn't want to have to witness the horrid situation of childbirth.

"You idiot! Son of a bitch! You promised you'd stop! You promised! Know what? I'm leaving! And you're never gonna see-" she yelled, stopping mid-sentence when an audible pop was heard.

Almost immediately she grunted in pain. She doubled over in pain, grabbing onto Adam as a contraction tore through her. She wasn't the only one who felt the room begin to spin, Adam too. He knew this would happen.

"Adam, hold it off." Antonio said just as Adam keyed in his radio."Where is she?" Antonio demanded."What? Aren't you gonna call an ambulance?"Antonio needed leverage to get him to spill and this was his only chance. They needed to find Erin today. It's already been too long."Where is she?" he asked again. Figuring he had just a few minutes to break him.

"I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about." he shoved him hard against the concrete."Alexxx!" she screamed before dropping to her knees, "Tell 'em!"

"Antonio." Adam knelt beside her, her yoga pants were now soaked, "We don't have time, man...""...breathe..." she was now practicing the breathing technique she had learnt at Lamaze class with Adam following her. He too needed to calm down.

"You listen to me creep! We know you're working for Carlos Solis! Your girl will have this baby right there, by the steps, if you don't start talking!" he hissed."Ok...I don't know nothing about no woman...I swear...I haven't seen no woman...only that cop... after what they did to him...I only drive when they call...""Who called you?"

When Alex didn't answer, his girlfriend couldn't take it anymore, she was now drenched in sweat with tears pouring from her eyes. "I swear to god, Alex! If you don't answer him right now, I will strangle you with this umbilical cord.""Esteban Solis."

* * *

 _"Keep screaming. No one can hear you."_

He purposefully pressed his body, hard onto hers and eagerly smashed his lips against Erin's in order to shut her up. She pressed her lips tightly against one another, not letting him in. His tongue and lips moved roughly and aggressively as she tried pushing him away. Failing miserably when he chomped down on her bottom lip. He bit so hard that she yelled in pain. Her mouth opened for a split second and he jammed his tongue in. Erin almost choked on her vomit, feeling absolutely repulsed at herself. Anger and stubbornness had gotten hold of her and she too saw her moment and chomped down on his tongue. Giving him a taste of his own medicine.

She watched in slow motion as his right arm pulled back into the air, balled into a fist while the left was crushing her trachea. Shutting her eyes, she was crazy enough to provoke a psycho.

Sure enough, a powerful blow connected with her face, making her head snap to the side. A small pain-filled whimper escaped her lips as she struggled to stay awake.

"You shouldn't have done that, Erin." he hissed, looking at her in pity. Like his actions towards her were now all because of her."I don't want to hurt you but-" he didn't stop to waste any time in delivering the next couple of blows to her face and abdomen. Literally winding her. She curled to her side to avoid his batter but the hits kept on coming. Each one much harder than the other. Each one rattling her bones even further. Her mouth now tasted strongly of iron. The heavy blows had left her feeling groggy and she gave up. Knowing she hadn't got a chance anymore.

 _"And that's to let you know who's in charge!"_

* * *

 _Jay felt his body convulsed and was now finding it difficult to breathe. He was soaked in his own blood. Glancing back over his shoulder, he could see the trail of blood that was left behind as they slid him across the floor to a nearby pole. Propping both his hands above his head, restraining his wrists to the slab._ _Jay hung his head, weak and groggy, everything was in a hazed wave as he tried to stay awake._

 _"Up!" Esteban Solis, the younger Solis, barked. Jay's whole body was now numb, he literally couldn't feel an inch of his skin. Solis grabbed his face, forcing his head up in order to face him. His tight, clammy hold squeezing his already swollen face._ _"When I tell you to-" he wasn't able to finish his sentence since spit sprayed all over his face._ _Jay couldn't care less about what he was going to say. He was going to die sooner or later. Either way, there wasn't any point in listening of them. Since he couldn't defend himself the way he knew best, this was the next best option._

 _Wiping off his face, Jay can see the fury in his eyes. His fits thumped into his stomach, repeatedly. He gasped in pain with each blow. Blood swell in his throat and his stomach churned, pain surging through his bruised torso._

 _"Haven't you learned your lesson, pretty face?" he teased._

 _As Jay tried catching his breath for a few seconds, he can hear metal clinging in a distance. The heat from the blow torch filled the room once again. Gripping onto the post, he held it as tight as he could. Still recovering from the first torture, he knows his body wouldn't be able to take the next._

 _One of them yanked his head from behind, holding him back, exposing his bare chest. Jay let out a helpless cry just before the red hot rod hit his skin._ _He howled in agony, the pain like none other. The sizzling sounds of his skin burning rang in his ears. Trying to break free of their hold just made it worse for him because the more his struggled, the longer the heat rested on his skin._

 _"Stop..." Jay grunted once it left his skin. The after pain, even more intense and torturous than when the heated metal initially touched his skin._

 _Almost immediately, Jay felt a sharp pain transversed through his entire system. A blood curdling scream ricocheted the four walls in the warehouse when Solis placed the heated alloy on the freshly made stab wound. Long enough to melt the flesh shut_.

Biting immensely hard on his lip, he felt trapped inside his own skin. He can still feel the was knew he was dreaming but just simply couldn't wake up.

"Erin!" Jay screamed. Frantically, he looked around his surroundings. 'White walls.' he then realised that he wasn't in that dimly lighted warehouse anymore.

"Jay." he heard his brother's voice. He blinked. Once. Twice. Thinking it was all a dream. Beeping sounds filled the white box.'Monitors.' Jay now figured that he was at Chicago Med.

"Hey buddy." Adam mumbled. He just stared blankly at his brother and friend, who was hovering over him as Erin filled his thoughts. He ponder on a way to get to Colombia, to bring Erin back home. Now that he was free, he can finally save her. He can't fail her this time."I have to go." he said. Although his body protested, he had to try to get up.

Knowing the fragility of Jay's state, Will knew he wasn't in any condition of leaving the hospital. He lightly pushed him down. "Jay. Relax.""No! I have to go! I have to find her!""We're on it, man. We're looking for her." Adam reassured, rubbing his shoulders. Trying to ease his worry as the monitors started beeping in fury.

Jay's heart fluttered in his chest as he started pulling out the IVs that were hooked in his arms."Hey! Hey! Stop!" Will shouted, grabbing his brother's arms, stopping him from injuring has always been the stronger brother, both mentally and physically, but now it really didn't take much for Will to hold him down.

Jay screamed, spittle flying from his lips, "Let me go! Will! She's not here!"Tears cascaded down his face. Eyes, red with rage. "You don't understand!" he pounded his fists against Will's hold.

"Will!" he screamed out, pleading for his brother to stop, just before a needle plunged into his arm. The sedative filled his bloodstream, slowly calming him. Erin filled his thoughts once again as he went back to sleep.

* * *

Laying on her back with the cuffs digging into her skin, she felt like a corpse. Sadly, she was very much alive, aware and conscious. This probably will be the only time that she could think of when being dead would be an advantage.

She flinched when he bit the skin on her neck. She knew she was about to be violated in the worst way possible and there was nothing she could do but to accept.

Not only has she let herself down but also her fellow ladies. She just feels so small and so defenceless. No longer was she that strong woman she was a week ago. She had always thought; being a cop would protect her in dire times like this. That it would be an advantage. Because she knows how to defend herself. At least, she thought she did. No amount of training, defence lessons, can prepare you. Never in a million years did she thought this would be happening to her.

"Don't…Don't..." Erin cried, shaking her head, when his hands trailed down her battered will be disappointed with her, she thought. 'You're a detective for crying out loud!' she screamed at herself. All the police training seems to be useless at this point.

 _"Now shut up and do what you're told..."_

She needed Jay. She needed her dad. She needed Adam. Antonio. Kevin. Al. Anyone. She just needed someone to help her right now.

She turned her head to the side, not wanting to face him as his hands grabbed and squeezed her with tremendous force. Grinding her teeth to hold back a scream, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

He fumbled with his jeans and boxers then hers. Somehow managing to stay mostly on her while undressing. The whole time Erin had her eyes glued, still not wanting to look at the monster. Not wanting to feel him.

 _"Spread your legs for me."_

Shaking her head, "No..." she cried, instinctively pulled her legs up to somehow cover herself.

He slapped her hard across the face. "Qué dije?" he growled. "Do as you're told, right?"

She parted her legs, slightly, and her body tensed with fear. "Wider!" he ordered.

When she didn't obey his orders, he grabbed her by the throat, squeezing it tight as she coughed for air. He continued slapping her hard across the face all the while his knees spread her legs wide apart. Immediately, forcing himself inside.

"Nooo!" she gasped as she felt him enter. "Please stop! Please! Owww!" she begged. The girth of him, so large, she felt him stretching her apart. Tears continued to flow from her eyes. She couldn't stop crying.

"Please! Please! Stop!" she chanted. Somehow, hoping he'll listen and stop.

* * *

 _ **Hey everyone! Thank you so much for reading! I know...I know it hurts...Leave a review and let me know what you think!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Mouse! Got something?" Voight was standing by his doorway, feeling anxious and desperate. Even after six cups of coffee, he was still exhausted. He felt guilty for thinking about sleep when his daughter is still out there. Alone, tired and terrified.  
Erin has been gone for three days and he desperately needs his daughter in his arms. His mind was looping through all sorts of vicious thoughts. He obviously didn't want to, he needed to stay positive, but somehow he couldn't stop.

Mouse swallowed the lump in his throat. He was hesitant to answer. Scared that Voight wouldn't be pleased with the news he've got. Which was nothing for a matter of fact. After hours of running Esteban Solis's picture through facial recognition against security cameras around the city, they still got nothing. Now that almost all the police officers in the city were after him, he, all of a sudden, was camera shy.

"Umm...I hav-" he began to say just as a notification popped up on his screen. "Thank god!" he exclaimed.  
"We finally got a hit on that BOLO I put out on Esteban Solis. He was last sighted at corner of Madison and Pulaski." Mouse informed. "He could've been making a drop."

"But that's stupid." Adam blurted, "He knows the cops are after him, why's he making deals."  
"Simple. He IS stupid." Olinsky said. "Esteban isn't like his brother. He's not as smart and meticulous as Carlos...Since he's the baby, he probably wants to prove to his brother that he's capable to running the business."

Voight glanced at his watch, he needs to come up with a plan and quick. "Al, take Atwater and check it out. Tail him if you have to."  
"Two of you." he pointed at both Antonio and Adam, "My office."

They walked into his office, wondering why they were called in. "What's up, boss?"

"Dawson. Get in touch with one of your CIs." he knew Antonio has an informant who was in business with Solis and she's their only hope in finding his whereabouts. They need to get Esteban on record, spilling information on his brother. The only way in finding Erin is to find Carlos.

Antonio shook his head, "I can't, Voight. I promised that was the last."  
Voight banged his fists on his desk, "I don't care! We'll pay her double! Triple! I'll pay out of my pocket if I have to!" he was desperate and they were now out of options.

Antonio nodded and started going through his contacts.

"Ruzek. Get Burgess ready."

Adam narrowed his eyes as he pieced together Voight's plan. "With all due respect, Sarge, no."  
Slowly, Voight got up from his seat, never taking his eyes off of Adam for even a second. He knew it was selfish of him to endanger another officer's life but at the same time, he knew Kim's very much capable of taking care of herself.

"Now you listen to me, lover boy." he got up to his face, inches away from his nose.  
"It's been three days now...Three days. And we still got nothing. As a cop, you should know her chances...If you care about Erin like you say you do, you will get Burgess ready." he nodded and walked back to his seat.

"Fine. If something goes wrong, I'm blaming you."

* * *

Erin screamed.

A loud, high-pitched, blood curdling scream. Or at least that's what she thought she did as her mind replayed the events of last night over and over again.

She shouldn't have let him done that to her. She should've put up more of a fight. She should've at least tried. She should've alerted the authorities back at the airport. But that would mean losing Jay. If she had, last night wouldn't have happened. She'd still be in Chicago. Unharmed and untouched. Now, she regretted her decision. She had sacrificed herself for his safety.

She laid on the far end of the bed, battered and broken. Sobbing in pain and self-pity. Not wanting to imagine how ugly and disgusting she looked. With the amount of blood mixing with her tears, she knows she's beyond repair.

Just then, she felt the bed sank and Solis was now lying right next to her. She flinched when his hand caressed her cheek.

"Don't touch me." Erin snapped.

He chuckled.

Anger ignited in her. Eating her chest from the inside out. If only he knew how she felt, he wouldn't be laughing.

"Are you just gonna lay in bed and cry all day?" he asked, fully aware of the anguish that she's currently in.

What does he expect?

She bit down on her lower lip, controlling her sobs. Trying her best to muffle the sounds of her cries when all she wanted was to cry and scream out loud. The insanity of his question just further killed her. Convincing her that he's totally mental. That he's not humane.

Things you would do for the people you love, she thought. Solis had threatened the lives of the people she loved the most, Jay and the Intelligence. She had done everything for them to keep them safe. For them to live. For them to be happy and unharmed. She've sacrificed her sanity, self-worth and dignity for them, for _him_. And what have they done for her in return?

Nothing. Nothing at all. They've forgotten about her. Leaving her to rot in Colombia. Stupidly, she had thought they would come to her rescue.

All she knows for certain is that she isn't the same _Erin_ anymore.

* * *

Standing by the curb in the middle of the night with Maritza Ramos, Antonio's CI, Kim was chattering for teeth. She was instructed to keep a eye on the informant. To make sure that the plan stays on track and goes smoothly. Since she had to play the part of a drug dealer/prostitute, she barely wore anything that could help her with the icy Chicago weather. Her fishnet stockings and red leather jacket wasn't doing anything for her.

"You sure you don't want a smoke?" Maritza opened the flap, offering her a cigarette.  
Kim smiled politely, "No thanks."

Just then, lights from a black Tesla filled the dim street.  
"That him?" Kim asked.  
Maritza quickly took a last drag from her cigarette and ready herself. "Yap. Don't worry. We'll get your friend."

The plan was to pretend to collect the drugs that they need to sell and at the same time, discreetly pry information out of Esteban about his brother's location. Voight knew it was a long shot but right now, this was the most plausible plan. Seventy-two hours has passed since Erin was taken. Voight knew statistics wasn't on her side.

The vehicle rolled up in front of them and the doors opened. "Ay chica!" he glanced out the door with a genuine smile until he saw the woman next to Maritza. "¿Quién es esa gringa?"

"Mi amiga. She needs cash. Her baby daddy is a deadbeat. She'll do anything, papi." Maritza said and grabbed Kim's hand.  
She batted her eyes, "Please papi. Please."  
Esteban examined Kim, up and down, before allowing them in the car.

Adam's heart almost exploded in his chest as he heard the doors close from the wire Kim was wearing. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, "I don't like this, Al."  
Al too was nervous but he couldn't let Adam know how he felt. He squeezed his shoulders, reassuring him. "I know, kid. But she's smart. She'll say the word."

"That's he? That's he, we're dealing with." Maritza peered at his phone, dumbfounded. "He doesn't look more than 15."  
The man behind the wheel, Esteban, glanced at Kim from the mirror as she made small talk with the dashing man sitting next to her.  
"Younger they are, the easier cops are on 'em if they get caught."

Esteban stretched his arm out to the man next to Kim, pausing to caress her legs, the miniskirt conveniently bared. The guy passed him an envelope and he handed it Maritza. "There you go. Twenty five bags. Just like last time."

"Mira, papi..." Maritza said, tucking the envelope inside her jacket, "My girl needs money. Fast." she turned around to Kim then back at Esteban, "She's very willing to help..."  
Esteban eyed him again before handing her an envelope that was much smaller.  
"Fine. Only 15 for you, blanca."

A grin spread across her face as he passed her the envelope. Though she was very much fed up of the white girl jokes. "Thank you so much, babe. I really need the money. My babies will be so happy. How am I supposed to buy formula for four babies with no money!" Kim blurted. She hoped she successfully gave out the desperate hooker vibe she was going for.

Her companion let his gaze wander from her face down her body, "With a body like that...Mmm Mmm...Ay mamí tù tan caliente!" he fondled her. Kim had to suppress a shiver as he touched her. She's going to need an extremely long shower when she gets home.

* * *

Her stomach growled. Rumbling in starvation. She've never felt this hunger before. Every move she made, even the slightest, seemed to be eating her alive. Making her weaker and weaker. The last meal she had were right after the million dollar excrements.

Erin has already lost track of time and was pretty convinced that she've been lying in bed for months now. She closed her eyes, telling herself to fall asleep. In that way, she could simply ignore the need for food.

Sleep will be peaceful

Calming

Quiet

Painless

Unconscious of reality

But sleep wasn't possible anymore no matter how hard she tried. She was too scared to close her eyes. Too scared of what he'll do to her in her sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was his toothy grin as he slammed into her.

She slowly and weakly sat up on the bed. Her limbs were sore and aching from the fight she tried to put up last night. Her brain felt like it was about to explode. She was shivering in the middle of a heatwave in Bogotá and wondered if it was because she was only in a t-shirt and underwear.

Looking down, she saw dried blood running down her legs and on the sheets. She was in shock and couldn't comprehend the extent of her injuries. She spread her legs to further inspect the damage he had done. Her entire lower half and all in between her thighs were covered in deep purple splotches.  
Blinking tears away, rage consumed her body, bubbling in her stomach.

How could anyone do this to a person?

He literally ripped her apart.

How could anyone rape anyone?

She could and never would understand their prerogative.

Was it for control?

A sense of worth, power, dominance?

Or was he exposed to violence, sadistic culture as a child?

Or was knowing the fact that he could have such mastery over someone so gratifying to him?

He has no power. He's simply a coward. A lowlife, prying over women.

Solis hasn't been back since this morning and she saw her opportunity to find a way out. Since the door was locked, she needed to think of an escape plan. Eyeing around the bedroom for a weapon or simply something useful, the windows behind the curtains caught her eye.  
Since no one was coming to her rescue any time soon, she is her only hope.

Hearing the door jiggle, she quickly bolted to the other side of the bedroom where the windows were located. She can't let him do anymore damage to her, she's too damaged already. She can't let herself go through last night all over again.

"Sweetheart! I got you something!" Solis said as he opened the door to the bedroom.  
She quickly turned around and saw his face harden. His sigh was as sharp as a blade.

"Oh Erin...you shouldn't have done that..."

* * *

 ** _Hey everyone! Thank you so much for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Maritza glanced at the rear view mirror, pretending to fix her hair and makeup as she locked eyes with Kim, they nodded.  
"Ay papi! Where's Carlos?...the four of us could, I don't know, have a little fun tonight. Just like old times." she whispered into Esteban's ears.  
"Noooo, Ritza!" Kim giggled, leaning over to the front seat, "We can't leave, Chulo. Can we now?"  
"We can call it a fivesome. Me, you, papi, Ritza and Carlos." she left a trail of soft kisses along his jawline. Kim's definitely going to need more than a shower tonight.  
Chulo smiled at her and scooted her even closed to him, "Call it whatever you want, baby."

Esteban frowned. His entire demeanour changed in an instant as if he was possessed. Out of the blue, he shoved Maritza against the sports car. "Why is everyone still talking about him?!"

Maritza yelped in shock as he began choking her. "Hey! Hey! Take your hands off her!" Kim screamed, trying to pull him off her.

Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. She was now definitely terrified. But since they were so close to getting Carlos's whereabouts, she decided not to say the safe word just yet.

.

"Boss. We gotta go." Adam screamed into the radio.  
"Just a sec, Adam. Hold your position."

.

Esteban laughed and nuzzled Maritza's neck before letting go of the chokehold.  
"Don't worry, Bambi..."  
'Bambi? The deer?' Kim was taken aback by that comment. First, it was the white girl jokes now, its freaking bambi!

"My brother is out. On a business trip." he shrugged before capturing Maritza's lips. "He must be having the time of his life with that sweet piece of ass."  
"Who?" Kim asked. Instantly, regretting her brain's decision to blurt out the first question in her head. She wasn't supposed to be asking questions since it would look too suspicious. But she couldn't help it, she needed to get out of the car as soon as possible.  
"Some gringa...but she sure gotta sweet Colombian culo."  
"That's unfair, papi. How come Carlos gets all the fun. You're much more of a catch than your brother." she pouted, stroking his ego to get him to spill.

"Maybe...they can..."

Kim watched as her hands headed south, to his area. "...join us..."  
"Nah. Not a chance, chica. That cop won't make it." he said pushing her off him and he took out a packet of white substance from the glove compartment.

Though he practically implied Carlos has Erin, they still hadn't got the exact whereabouts. They were so close yet so far away. Kim felt a part of her die when he said that. It's only a matter of time before Carlos kills her best friend.  
"Stop talking and start using." he exclaimed, winking at her.

Kim let Chulo nibble her neck for a few seconds before pushing him against his chest. Her heart was literally in her throat. She has no clue how she's going to get out of this situation without harming or drawing suspicion to herself. There's no way in hell that she's going to comply and snort god knows what and mess with her system in the process.  
"Why don't we go somewhere more private?" she suggested to the party goers in the sports car.

By the time she peered back at the front seat, Maritza was already snorting her second line.  
"No way. I'm eating both of you. Right now. Right here."

She stared frozen, wide-eyed as Esteban heated the bottom of the spoon with a lighter and filling up the syringe. His eyes filled with craze. He was mumbling something, in anger and hatred, that she couldn't quite make out. Chulo grabbed the back of her neck, shoving her forward.

"Your turn."

* * *

Fumbling on the hinges of the window, her hands were sweating profusely and shaking like crazy. She cursed since it was taking a lot more time than she had anticipated.

Click.

She smiled when she heard that tiny sound of relief. Looking out the glass, her smile was turned into a frown when she saw the actual height of the drop. She could either jump to her death and possibly die instantly or be killed by the hands of a psychopath and very possibly relive the events of last night to a much torturous level.

"Back here. Now. Erin." he ordered and closed the distance between them.  
He grabbed her hard by the shoulder and she punched him across the face. He grunted, she moved quickly and kneed him right between his legs. He stumbled a little but it wasn't enough to knock him down so she dug her fingers into his eyes.

Holding her breath, she decided she'd rather jump to her death. On the bright side, she'd probably live and break a few bones. Oddly enough, that thought gave her hope. She'd rather die than be a prisoner in that house for a second longer.

She had one leg over the window and was pulling herself out when his hand wrapped around her waist, roughly yanking her back into the room. She dropped hard on her stomach, her breath was knocked right out of her chest. She groaned in pain as Solis grab hold the back of her neck, hauling her off the floor.

Before she could even comprehend or cohere what was happening, there was a loud thud as her head made contact with the concrete wall. He was smashing her skull against it.

One.

Two.

Three.

She counted.

Falling limp onto the carpeted floor, she whimpered, blinking away stars that threaten to slip her into unconsciousness. A wave of nausea tore through her. She tried to get up but her body protested due to her throbbing skull.

His fists were clenched, the veins in his forehead and neck looked as if they were to explode at any second.  
"Why'd you gotta make it so hard on yourself, Erin?" he gritted, holding his hand over his eyes. "And I foolishly thought I could award you with something nice for being amazing last night." he threw a small Tiffany blue box at her.

Erin looked up, she couldn't see anything through the blur. "Please..." she whispered, too exasperated. Blood trickled down her face and ear, she feared the worst. Her head was pounding so bad.

He ran his fingers through her messy hair, roughly combing it away from the gash on her hairline. "Look what you made me do...your beautiful face." he caressed her swollen cheek.  
"Just let me go." she croaked.

She heard him laugh and almost immediately, he crawled on top of her. He trailed kisses down the side of her neck, spreading chills down her spine. Once again, she couldn't do anything. She couldn't fight him off since she was too groggy and out of it. She could barely even keep her eyes open.

She can practically see the smile on his face right now as his fingers stroked her inner thigh.  
"No. Not again. Please. No. Let. Me. Go." she pleaded in between deep breaths.

"This will be different. On your knees, sweetheart."

A tear rolled down her cheek and he wiped it away with his thumb before smashing his lips against hers.

Her head was weary, she wondered whether she had heard him right. "What?" she choked.

This can't be happening.

He flipped her over and pushed her forward onto her hands and knees. She was still so dizzy and dreaded what he was about to do. She've never done anything of that nature.

With her cheek rubbing against the woven carpet, she felt her skin burn against the friction. Peeling and scratching her flesh.

She stopped crying moments ago. She's tired of crying. Her tear duct are now all dried up. She've accepted her fate. There was no way in stopping Solis if he doesn't want to be stopped. Her limbs went numb and instantly gave up on her. The rest of her feels the same too.

She's dead.

* * *

The boys had their headsets and listening to their every word in the police stakeout van.  
"I can't make it out. Antonio, translation."

.

 _"...lo odio..."_  
 _"...no me importa lo que dice..."_  
 _"...está en..."_  
 _"...¿Por qué sigue controlando mi vida?..."_

.

Esteban was murmuring under his breath as he continued snorting the white powder. He was fed up of his brother controlling his life and his every move, constantly being the centre of attention and the apple of everyone's eyes. Even being thousands of miles away, somehow he's still getting all the praise.

The sounds of their heart thumping in their chest was all Olinsky and Adam could hear in their vehicle. "Screw this! I'm getting her outta there!"

.

Kim spat out a mouthful of blood at Esteban when he grabbed her arm. They're teaching her a lesson since she refused to shoot up the cocaine.  
"Go to hell!" she screamed.

Screaming the safe word.

Just as Esteban stuck his hand in his pocket, glistening bright lights and sirens covered both ends of the narrow street.

"Gun!" Kim yelled. With that, Maritza dove out of the sports car. Kim was taken by surprise when he fired wildly at her direction, sparking chaos around the street.

Antonio watched as his informant's face changed from terrified to blank in a matter of seconds. Her body hit the cold, icy ground, turning the white snow on pavement to bright pink. Panic took over the Unit as Kim's screams filled the streets

"Chicago Police! Step out of the vehicle! And slowly put your hands behind your head!" Voight's gravelly voice echoed.

Esteban scrambled, both sides of his car was surrounded by cops. Panicked, he looked for a way to escape.

"Drop the gun, son." said Olinsky. He calmly took a step forward, in front of a distraught Adam. He didn't want him to do anything stupid that might endanger her life.

The cold metal of the gun barrel bit into her temple. Her body pressed against Esteban. His arms wrapped tightly around her neck. She was now his shield and his consolation prize. Kim made eye contact with Voight, who then signalled the other officers to hold their positions. "Let her go, Esteban. You don't wanna do this."

"You, you don't tell me what to do! No one can! Not you! Not my brother! NOBODY!" Esteban yelled.

It was a classic case of sibling rivalry. He was jealous of his elder brother, Carlos. Being the baby of the family, he probably had to grow up in the shadows of his much smarter and attractive brother. No wonder Carlos didn't trust him, he really wasn't that bright.

He have had only one request from his brother before he left for Colombia, which was to keep a low profile. However, he managed to make a fool out of himself and have almost all of Chicago after him.

"I understand, Esteban. You're tired of your brother bossing you around. Tell us where he is? And we can make a deal." Antonio said. Trying to mediate the situation.

Kim gagged as his erratic movements cut off her air supply.  
"It's about that little cop, isn't it?! She's dead! Hah! He killed her! And now I'll freaking blow her brains out!"

Kim looked at Adam. She can tell that he was in just as much agony as she is by watching her being held at gun point.  
"I love you." she mouthed. Just in case.

Adam took a step forward, putting his gun back into his holster. The picture of Kim's blown brains imprinted in his head and he almost choked on his vomit. He needed to do something. He can't just stand and watch. She's the love of his life. Since he's the one that brought her into this mess, he, himself, was going to get her out.

"Adam! No!" she screamed.

"Officer! Back down!" Voight ordered.

"Hey! Hey! Listen to your boss!"

Adam held his hand out in surrender. "You're not going to shoot her. Just let her go and we can talk."

"Ruzek! That's an order!" Voight shouted once again when Adam slowly took another step.

The nuzzle of the gun slid past her cheek as it thrusted forward. "No!" she screamed, throwing herself to the side to throw him off balance.

She felt the recoil of the gun before she heard three shots being fired. A pool of warm liquid seeped from under her as she watched Adam's head snapped back and knees buckled. Immediately, hitting the pavement. Just as Maritza had.

* * *

Voight threw Chulo, Ricardo Cabrera, down the steps to the cold basement floor of District 21. Scrambling to his feet, he tried breaking free from the cuffs on his wrists. Though he doesn't want to end up like Esteban Solis, he knows he's already a dead man. Carlos Solis will kill him for what had happened to his brother.

He squinted to see a figure on top of the steps, something dangling down his hand. He knows there's nothing the police can do to him can be as worse as what Carlos is capable of.

"¡Ay! ¡Abogado! ¡Quiero un abogado! ¿Dónde está mi abogado?" he screamed, backing away in fear as Voight slowly walked down the steps.

"Are you done screaming now?" Voight asked, calmly. He picked him up by the neck and slammed him against the cage.  
"You got a big problema, ese."

"Ah-bo-ga-do."

"I'm tired of this wild goose chase, Chulo...Three of my men are in the hospital because of you...Carlos Solis has my daughter..." Voight slowly tighten his grip on Cabrera's neck, "I'm giving you one last chance, Where...Is...He?"

"Abogado." Cabrera croaked through the choke hold.

Voight grabbed his arm, "No comprende abogado down here, bro."  
He can feel rage consuming his entire thoughts and body, his fists immediately connected with Cabrera's left eye. He's had enough of his bullshit.  
Cabrera yelled out, he was more shocked than in pain. In response, he flew a ball of spit at Voight.

Wiping off the spittle with the back of his hand, Voight grabbed the chain that was hanging on the edge of the cage. He only ever used 'extreme force' on extremely difficult perpetrators.  
"Uh-oh..." Voight smiled, wrapping the chain around his hands and balled it into his fist. He's going to enjoy beating the answer out of him.

"Espero."  
Cabrera fought angrily against the restraints as he watched Voight slowly come up to his face. He felt the balled metal fist make contact with his ribs. He felt like he was hit by a freight train.  
Surely enough, another blow hit him hard, on the same exact spot. He felt blood vessels burst and his diaphragm collapse under the force.

His breath instantly seized as he doubled over. "Wait! Wait! Wait!"

"Oh. So you do speak English after all." Voight shook his head, "Too late."

Cabrera knees buckled from the force of the next blow. As he went down, Voight swore he heard a crack ricocheted through the basement. He knows he's close to getting his answers.

As he lift his arm for the next punch, Cabrera finally broke. "No! Wait! Wait!"

"She's in Colombia..." he cried catching his breath, "In Bogotá...I have an address."

Antonio hurried down the steps to the basement. He wasn't shocked to see what Voight has done. They know better than to interpret him when doing business at the basement. But this was important.  
"Hank." Antonio called out.

"What Dawson?!"

"It's Jay."

Voight turned around. He furrowed his eyebrows. Shocked. Last time he saw Jay, he was at the hospital, recuperating.

What could've happened to Jay?

* * *

 ** _Hey everyone! Here's another chapter! Thank you so much for reading! I'd like to know if you all are enjoying this story! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Jay stood in the middle of the automatic doors of El Dorado International Airport, people pushing past him as he took in the Bogotá sun, the wind ruffling through his hair. The sun had just risen and his plane was the first to arrive for the day.  
Roaming through his cellphone, he saw over a hundred missed calls, texts and voice messages. Voight have been blowing up his phone ever since Chicago and that was almost eight hours ago. Just then, his phone rang, startling him in the process.  
"Sarge."

"Halstead!" Voight yelled, almost bursting his eardrums.  
When suddenly all eyes were on him, Jay was certain that people around could hear Voight on the other end. So he backed away to a corner, making sure to not bring any more attention to himself. But with all the bruises on his face, it was hard not to.  
"What the hell's wrong with you? Do you have a death wish?"

Staying quiet, Jay allowed Voight to blow off some steam before he would saying anything to defend himself.  
"No, Sarge. I need-" he began to say but was cut off by more screaming.  
"No! What you need is to be at a hospital, Halstead!" Voight was beyond frustrated. He now had twice the load and worry and with his age, he doesn't know if he could take it any longer. Both his daughter and Jay were digging him to an early grave.

"I appreciate it, Voight but I'm fine." Jay lied. He really wasn't. He was in desperate need for painkillers. His whole body ached tremendously and he was certain that the stitches on his chest had ripped open.  
"I don't expect you to understand."

Voight, taken aback by his blatant remark, felt his blood boil.  
Has he forgotten who he's talking to?  
"You listen to me...Before you were even in the picture, I was the only man in her life. Let me remind you, she's my daughter."

"Ok but-"

"I'm not done with you, Halstead." Voight said as he walked up the stairs to the private plane. "We'll be there in a couple of hours. So I suggest you find a seat and...actually sit down...You're in no shape playing superhero..."

After pulling a lot of strings from some of his high profile acquaintance, he was on his way to Bogotá, Colombia in a private plane where he would meet with Lieutenant Rogelio de la Vega. The lieutenant of Special Crimes in Bogotá Police Force.

"So help me God, Halstead...for once in your life, listen to me..." he warned before hanging up, sighing as he took his seat on the plane.

After a much heated argument with Commender Fischer about budget and resources, Voight found himself wondering why was he even the commander of District 21 in the first place. He didn't care about anyone but himself. Since he was more concerned about 1PP and how they'll react to the news of the department pouring a ton of money and manpower into a questionable trip to Colombia with an unreliable leads and the uncertainty of the life of their detective, Voight being the adamant and headstrong man that he is, sucker punched him right across the face. He knew his actions would probably cost him his career but Erin was worth the risk.

"To hell with 1PP and Fischer. We'll find Erin. I know we will." Antonio squeezed his Sergeant's shoulders, hoping that he was reassured.

* * *

Greeted by the warmth of the morning rays that filled the bedroom, Erin looked at the sky through the window she had almost jumped out of last night.  
At one point in her life, as a child, the morning sun was what she looked forward to as her alarm rang. It was that few seconds of hope that made her days bearable before having to face the truth-her mother and whomever she decided to bring home the night before. But today, the sunshine was a slap on the face. Telling her that she's still trapped and that her team had completely forgotten about her. Another day had past and she still wasn't home.

She was lying on the carpet, the same position she had been before she passed out. The throbbing pain in her head was just as ripe as it had initially been when he bashed her skull against the concrete wall. Now as she shifted to her side, another pain screamed at her. Her whole body hurt.

Everywhere.

But the most excruciating pain was radiating from between her legs.

'What the hell did he do to me?' she thought, panicking at the terrible pain. She was so beyond sore and numb that she could barely even move. Trying to push herself off the ground, her arms just literally gave up on her.

That was when she saw him, Carlos. Laying next to her, passed out and naked as well. The very second she laid eyes on him, last night came flooding back like a tsunami and she somehow scrambled to her feet. Wanting to stay as far away from him as possible. He showed no mercy in hurting her last night. It was by far the worst pain he've inflicted on her and the worst torture she had to endure. She should've never tried to escape. Last night was all on her, she brought it upon herself.

She stumbled backwards and hit the floor, landing hard on her bottom. She cried out from the blunt force impact to her region. Having no recollection to why the pain was so intense, she started hyperventilating.  
"Oh god!" she cried in choking sobs, crawling towards her garments that he had ripped the previous night. She needed to get out of that room .  
Just as she reached for the bedroom door, she halted in her steps.

'What if this was a test?'

She saw her chance to escape her nightmare but somehow her legs wouldn't cooperate with her brain that was screaming at her to run. The thought of him beating her senseless and belittling her with profanities, terrified her. She couldn't let herself go through that agony again.

'Why did I let him do that to me?'

She felt so ashamed. If only she had fought harder. All her efforts up to this point have been pointless. Everything, the endless fighting and scheming, have been thrown into the gutter. It was all for nothing since she was still a prisoner.

'How could they do this? How could they just forget about me?'

She was enraged that the people whom she considered family hadn't come to rescue her already. Her team did the right thing of neglecting her. She was worthless anyway. There was no point in wasting their time and effort in looking for a nobody.

'I hate you, Jay!'

She cried. Even the man she loves with all her heart, the man whom she gave her all to, couldn't care less about her. She never thought she could love anyone as much as she loves Jay but he too had completely disregarded her.

'Maybe he never really loved me.'

She finally realised. Love is a two way street. In this case, it was she who was in love and that didn't reciprocate with him. Nothing ever lasts. Sometimes love just wasn't enough and she had to learn it the hard way.

Carlos was right, Jay had never loved her. If he did, he wouldn't have let this happen to her. He would've fought for her.

Carlos was right, Jay's probably moving on to the next woman. She was certain he's at home on top of another woman.

Carlos was right, Jay must be thinking how much of a filthy whore she was. How much she was asking for it since she hadn't fought hard enough.

Carlos was right, Jay will never be able to touch her anymore. He will never be able to look at her without feeling disgusted.

Legs shaking in fear, she reluctantly limped back to her spot on the ground. She turned to her side and curled into a fetal position, weeping silently as she lay next to Carlos. She've had lost the will to fight. What's the point of fighting if there's no reason to?

Carlos must've heard her, she was startled as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him. She gasped, holding her breath as tears cascaded down her cheeks.  
"I'm glad you finally learned your lesson, sweetheart..." he whispered into her ears.

She lay there as his words rang in her ears, his hands still rested firmly on her neck. She was in far too much shock and pain to even think about moving, tears broke and she cried in deep, piteous sobs that shook her to her core.

Forget about rescue, even if they did find her, how would she ever recover from this? How would she possibly move on?

He have ruined her for eternity. She has no idea how it'll even be possible for her to get through it. She was so stupid for thinking that once she escaped this haunted mansion, she'll be safe and happy. As long as she breaths, she'll never be the same.

* * *

The taxi ride from the hospital was a quiet one Kim and Adam. She had insisted on cooking him lunch after the nightmare they had both endured together. It was the least she could do, considering he literally took a bullet to the head for her.  
During the ride, after a tedious amount of time in the hospital, she was forced to oppress the law of attraction that was begging her to rip his clothes off right then and there at the back of the cab.

"Kim, you know you don't have to make me lunch. I'm fine..." he said as they both got out the taxi.  
"Know what? I'll drive you home. My car's just-" he stopped when she smacked his arm with the back of her hand.  
Bewildered, he rubbed at the area that she had hurt.

"You seriously tryna get yourself killed again. That bullet bouncing off that thick skull of yours wasn't enough, huh?" she rolled her eyes, chuckling at the insanity of his offer. Handling heavy machinery shouldn't be on his to do list for at least a couple of weeks.

Because of their distance, the loss of velocity of Esteban's .22mm SA pistol, angle of penetration, the timing Kim shoving Esteban, the directional of the bullet travelling through the air had shifted slightly and slowed the motion of impact. Hence, bouncing off his thick skull.

After Esteban Solis was shot, twice, in the head, she fell back onto him. While laying on top of his very much stale body, she froze, absolutely convinced that she too had been shot. When the paramedics finally rushed to her aid, she finally came to realise it wasn't her own blood that she was laying on, it was Esteban's.  
Without any other thought, she ran to Adam. Surprised to see his bright eyes shining back at her. That was when she realised, broken up or not, fiancée or not, it didn't matter, she knew she'll forever care deeply about him.

Adam's heart hammered harshly in his chest. Along with his throbbing skull, it was getting difficult for him to breath. He was stressed out. Sweaty and shaky hands, he fumbled with the keys to his apartment. The fact that Kim had said she loved him moments before everything went down was eating him alive. And she being next to him didn't make things easier for him, instead it made things even worse. It's not that he didn't want her, he very much wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let go. And that's what's stressing him out. He kept his distance the whole ride to his apartment, also as they walked side-by-side. He suppressed the urge to touch her, knowing if he did, he wouldn't be able to contain himself.

"Oh thank goodness!"  
He had finally opened the door to his apartment when the keys slipped out of his sweaty palm. "Holy shit!"

As he knelt to pick it up, he didn't notice that Kim was reaching for the keys as well. Almost immediately, their skin touched; their eyes locked in each others' gaze. Pure lust was all they both saw and all hell broke loose.

"To hell with it!" he exclaimed and crashed his lips onto hers. Their tongues exploring ones' desperation. He swiftly lifted her by her hips and slammed her against the door. Instantly locking it without having to part.

Kim knew it wasn't the best idea to be hooking up with an ex but she wanted to. She desperately desired to. They both did. They needed comfort after being faced with death, and comfort was in each other's arms.  
She tangled her fingers in his hair, wrapping her body onto his strong embrace, pulling him closer. She needed him.

In no time, he was on top of her, kissing her down her neck as she further melted in his touch. Clawing at each other's clothes, he pulled at her CPD sweats while she gently pulled his shirt above his head. Careful out to cause him any pain or wriggle the bandage wrapped around his head.

The doctors had specifically instructed no strenuous activities but Adam couldn't care less anymore. He was never good with following orders anyway. Proven tonight when Voight ordered him to back down. Not once but twice. His inability to follow orders had caused him his badge and gun. A suspension until further notice.

"Show me what you got...oh god...Superman." she moaned when his hands headed south.

After being shot in the head, he felt invincible. Like the hero known as the man of steel. A hero he now proudly compared himself to. It was no joke that the bullet had literally bounced off his skull. Astonished, he wondered how many people can actually live to say they were shoot in the head.

* * *

Jay strode aimlessly on the streets of Bogotá. After the conversation he have had with Voight, he initially listened and went back into the airport to take a seat, decided that waiting was for the best.

'Erin must be terrified.' he thought. She must be scared out of her mind being with a deranged psychopath.

'What if she's dead?...What if he...'

After five minutes of fidgeting, he couldn't handle not doing anything and started walking.

The early morning traffic was now starting to building up, crowds of smartly dressed men and women hurrying towards their destination as they hustle past a distressed Jay. He had noticed people giving him unpleasant stares but couldn't care less. It was probably due to his limp and bruised face.

The noise of cars and taxis hooting past him was loud enough for him to be lost in his own thoughts. He regretted not really thinking his plan through. It was a spur in the moment back at the hospital. A spontaneous thought that had popped up in his head. He needed to bring Erin back to Chicago. Also the tiny white box was literally sucking the air out of his lungs. Hence, making a stupid decision of sneaking out of the hospital when he, himself, still wasn't in the greatest of health.

How can he help Erin when he can't even help himself?

Jay's stomach grumbled as he crossed the road. He was starving and was in desperate need for some breakfast. All of a sudden a pang of shame washed over him. He was guilty for having such thought.

'Has she had any food to eat?'

People were still staring at him and he wondered why. He slowed down to look at his reflection on the window. Having not seen the young woman walking right in front of him, he literally walked into her and lost his footing. Falling on his bottom, he felt a sharp pain stinging his chest.

"Díos mio! Perdón! Perdón!" she cried, trying to help him up. She felt absolutely bad for hurting the young man.  
"I'm fine...I'm fine..." he reassured as he brushed himself off.  
Wide-eyed, she pointed at the red stain on his shirt "Ay! You're bleeding, meester!"  
"¡Venga! I'll take you to the hospital."

Looking down on his chest, Jay saw blood seeping through his shirt, "No! No, ma'am. That's not necessary. I'm fine..." Although he really wasn't, he had to lie since he couldn't waste time waiting in a hospital. Especially in a foreign country.

"Are you sure? My office is just over there. I can...help you."  
That was when he realised her body language changed, getting too handsy on him.  
He smiled, still being well-mannered, and slipped his hands out of hers. "Ahh...Yes...Thank you."

"Ok. But if you change your mind...here's my card." she said with a cheeky grin plastered on her face.  
Nodding, he walked towards a small store to purchase a few products for his open wound.

As he paid for his things, Jay could feel the blood trailing down his torso. Noticing the terrified boy behind the counter staring at him, he turned crimson red.  
"Umm...where's the bathroom?"  
The young man shook his head. Not wanting to have to get involved with Jay's sketchy business.

Jay, who's Spanish wasn't great at all, started to panic. He should've paid more attention back in high school.  
"Umm...toilet?" he said, scratching his head as his tried to think of the Spanish word for the bathroom.

"Baño!"

"Sí. Por ahí."

Once at the empty bathroom, he was grateful that there weren't anyone to witness the sketchy business that he was about to unravel.  
As he examined his wound, an idea, a brilliant one to him, popped into his head.

"Mouse." he said after a few rings.

"Jay, man. What were you thinking?" Mouse whispered as he looked around the bullpen. Making sure he was ears length from any of the detectives.  
"It's not the smartest idea...Yeah yeah...I know. But I had no choice. Mouse, tell me where she is."

"I can't. Wait till Voight and Antonio gets there." Mouse shook his head, not wanting Jay to get himself killed.  
"That'll be hours, man. I'm here already. I can go get her."  
Mouse was torn in two. He very much wanted his buddy safe but Jay had a point.  
"By yourself? Nah-uhh...You're gonna get yourself killed."

"I can do this. I survived Afghanistan. I can survive this. I can do it Mouse." Jay said as he leaned over the sink, closing his eyes as his mind replayed the dinner they had right before they were taken.  
"It's Erin we're talking about here. I, I let her down once. I won't do it again. I love her."  
Mouse sighed. He knows what love can do to a person. "...ok..."

As Jay walked out of the store, all bandaged up, he pulled out the card that was in his pocket. Dialling her number before he persuaded her to help him.

* * *

 ** _Hey guys! Felt like updating sooooooo…here's another chapter! Thank you all for reading! If you have any suggestions or requests, please feel free to comment and I'll see if I can incorporate it to the story! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9**

For a long period, she didn't move from the fetal position she had curled herself into. Carlos have left her laying there hours ago as he tended to 'business' downstairs. What creeped her out the most was him staring down at her for what seemed like forever before he left. She had pretended to be asleep the whole time. Fearing that if she didn't, he would continue his torment.

The pain in her lower abdomen had just gotten worse from when she had first woken up. She balled her hands into fists as a sharp pain tore through her. Bitting her lip to suppress the urge to scream. She was burning up. Chills and sweat now confirmed her suspicion. She's having an infection.

"Heeeyyyy!" she tried to yell but instead it sounded weak like a dying animal. Her throat was horribly dry and hoarse causing her to cough profusely. That just further ached her fragile body.  
"Heyyyy!" she yelled once again with the hopes of getting his attention from downstairs.

"What do you want, bitch?" he asked annoyed to have been disturbed. "I'm busy. Make it quick."  
"What did you do to me you sick bastard?!"

He chuckled darkly, not saying a word.  
Enraged, she felt her blood boil. Sobs ripped through her as the unforgiving pain sliced through her again.  
"I'm going to kill you! I swear! I will!"

His head cocked to the side. A small playful smirk filling his jawline, amused by her sudden display of confidence. He noticed her green, teary empty eyes. There wasn't a pint of fear in her eyes anymore. Just a blank stare. A stare that reflected a woman who's got nothing to lose nor the will to live.  
'Mission accomplished.'  
His eyes lit up the moment he heard her groan in pain. Feeling more alive with the gratifying sounds of her anguish.

"It hurts so bad..."

He exhaled, his face tightened as he does. "Nothing you don't deserve, sweetheart."  
"After what your people did to my brother, you're lucky I didn't kill you...yet."

"What are you talking about?"  
Erin was so utterly confused. What he had just said scrambled her brain to pieces. She obviously hadn't got the faintest idea of the events that happened to his brother but was certain he was now dead. And she bet her entire paycheque that her Unit was responsible for that. That could only mean that they really were looking for her.

"What I mean is...!" he shouted in frustration then stomped on her stomach. The stomps kept on coming and she found herself screaming once again but that only seemed to fuel him. The more she screamed, the harder he got.  
"Carlos, stop..." she pleaded.

"What I mean is my baby brother is gone...forever...because of you." he said, roughly grabbing her overly damaged cheek and rubbed his thumb over it. Very intentionally causing pain.  
She bit her lip, drawing blood, so that she wouldn't scream from the pain he was purposeful inflicting on her. She didn't want to give him any further satisfaction of his masterpiece.

"You deserve pain my sweetheart"

Erin scratched and clawed at his hand but it didn't quite make him loosen his grip at all. Before she knew it her body was practically going into shock and she couldn't stop trembling.

* * *

The moment Voight and Antonio walked out of El Dorado International Airport, they were greeted by a man in uniform along with two detectives by his side.

No one but the Intelligence Unit knew about their whereabouts. Even if Commander Fischer or 1PP did clear their mission, it would've taken them days to process the papers and resources. Days in which they knew Erin didn't have. Determined, going rogue was their only option.

"Sergeant Voight." the older, moustached man with a thick accent greeted, approaching the Chicago Police with a handshake.  
"Lieutenant De La Vega." Voight reciprocate the greeting, "I appreciate you meeting with us in short notice."

Voight have heard about the Lieutenant's case clearance rates, one of the highest in the country, decided that he would be of great help in getting his daughter back. Since his Chicago Police Department badge was of no use in Colombia, he needed help from the local police.

"No problem. Sorry that we're meeting under such circumstance."  
Voight simply nodded. It wasn't a circumstance he've ever thought he'd faced. At least not with his Erin.

"Detective Antonio Dawson, Lieutenant." Antonio said as he extended his hand. Pleased to be meeting with such a decorated officer of the law.  
"Hermano...Colombiano?" he asked.  
Antonio chuckled, "Dominicano."

The pleasantries were exchanged and they headed for the vehicle awaiting them. "Let's go for some coffee. There's a cafe 10 minutes away. The station is not safe for...this topic."

Once at the café, the lieutenant looked around the small amount of crowd before pulling out a file, the blueprint of the Solis Mansion and maps of the surrounding area.

"So Sergeant, we have to be very discreet." he whispered. "As you may be familiar with crooked cops...I don't know, you may not have cops like this in Chicago." he shrugged.  
"Oh trust me. We do." Antonio added.  
"That's why I cannot take you to the station. Carlos, he's a very powerful. Por eso I only keep this information with my unit. He have connections even within the policía. They see American police and for sure you will never see your detective."  
"I'm sorry." he apologised the moment he realised the sensitivity of his words.

The lieutenant finally flipped open the folder, passing it to the foreign police and they were greeted with rep sheets as thick as a novel. Turning through the pages, the two Chicagoans were dumbfounded. "But...they were never charged with...anything" Voight said.  
"Sí. Like I said crooked hijueputa cops. They never step foot in prison, jail, court, whatever, in their entire life." he cursed.  
It was now clear to Voight and Antonio that they were not the only ones who wanted to see Carlos, the only remaining Solis, rot in prison, the lieutenant did too. Deep in his bone, Voight knew De La Vega had a personal motive as well.

De la Vega now rolled the blueprint of the Mansion and maps onto the table. "The 120 000 sq. ft. property is located in a small town in Cundinamarca. Over here." he said marking a 'x' on the map. "About 42 km north of Bogotá. Approximately 45 minutes away."

Shaking his head, he let out a loud sigh. "I tell you, it is dangerous what we are doing...This is small town. Everyone knows everyone." he warned them of the control the Solis have on the residents of that town. "Everybody terrified of Solis. Everybody in his pockets. Everybody will protect him...You familiar with 'soplones obtener pintos de sutura'."  
"Yea." Voight nodded. "Snitches get stitches."

"Yes. Solis killed my wife and daughter..." he said choking back tears, the pain of losing his family still very raw. "They were murdered fifteen years ago because I wouldn't comply to their offer."  
"I want to catch this son of a bitch just as much as you, Sergeant. Been waiting my entire career to bring this family down. I can't do this on my own. I need your help."  
Voight looked him straight in the eyes and saw what he've been seeing in the mirror the past couple of days. Pain.

"So I need to ask, are you certain he has your detective?"  
Voight knew what he was saying since there weren't any ransom calls or acknowledgement that Erin was still alive, they had to be clear of any uncertain.

"I am sure he has my daughter."

* * *

"Damn it, Dandelion. You really gonna lay there, hollowing in self-pity." she heard a voice say, a familiar voice and quickly looked up. Infuriated by the name she had just been called. There was only one person in the entire universe that calls her _dandelion._

"I raised you better than that."

Rolling her eyes, "You did not rai-" she stopped mid-sentence and froze. Squeezing her eyes shut before opening them and seeing what she knows she can't be seeing.

"Bunny...?"

There she was, in the bedroom, her very own mother, looking down at her with her hands on her hips.

"Great! Now I'm going crazy!" she cried. Hugging her knees to her chest, she braced herself for the wave of lurching pain in her abdomen. Pain that was just getting worse by the hour.

"Jesus Christ, Erin!" Bunny exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air, "Stop it with the waterworks already!"

Erin's mouth hung open at her mother's crude comment. She just can't believe out of all the people in her life, those who have genuinely cared for her, she somehow was hallucinating about her deadbeat mother.  
"This cannot be happening!"

"Yes it is, baby." her mother said before kneeling down in front of her and wiping off her tears.  
"You can't just lie here and wait for him to come back, honey."

She was still in that laying on the floor like hours before, too weak to even move. After the torture Carlos had just inflicted, she have given up on her life completely. There really was no point in arguing with Carlos. Knowing now that if she just kept quiet and follow whatever she was told, he wouldn't hurt her. Last night was absolutely terrible and she couldn't go through that again.  
"There's nowhere out, Bunny!"

"There's always a way out, baby girl."

Erin felt so uncomfortable. Her mother showing kindness for the first time in her life. She knows she's going mental.  
Why else would she be hallucinating about Bunny of all people?  
She can't bear to lose her sanity any further. It was all she had left. And she can't give Carlos the satisfaction of snatching that last thing from her too. He've taken too much from her already.

"No...no...I'm so tired...I can't do it, Bunny...I can't fight anymore. There's no point..." Erin said sluggishly.

It was probably her minds' way of protecting her from reality. By bringing Bunny, it was her subconscious reminding her of who she really was. If it wasn't for her mother being a horrible and neglectful parent and ruining her childhood in the process, she probably wouldn't have met Voight. And wouldn't have become a cop in the first place. She wouldn't have become the woman she is today.

"For crying out loud, Erin!" Bunny again threw her hands in the air in frustration and took a seat on the bed. "If only I had a sweet sweet bottle of vodka...I sure am gonna smack you in the head.

As always nothing has changed. Her mother was still undermining her. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"  
"I don't know. Is it?" Bunny sighed before laying down next to her aching daughter. "You cannot give up. Ever. You're Erin Lindsay, remember? You're a fighter. You're my strong and brave baby girl..."

Closing her eyes, Erin sank in the imaginary affection her mother had just given her. If only Bunny had actually loved her in real life, her entire existence would've turned out differently. "But-"  
"No buts, Baby. I know we have our problems...I was never much of a fighter when your dad and all the others were slappin' us around...but you were. You've always helped your momma..." she tucked a few strands of her daughters' bloody hair behind her ear. "...just remember momma loves you, ok?"  
She nodded, tears spilled, she've longed for this moment to happen for years. "Ok. Yes, momma."

Bunny holding her in her arms just felt so real and vivid, she prayed for her to stay. She can't be alone again. She needed her mother. No matter how screwed up her mother was and no matter how many times she confessed her hatred for her own mother, deep down she just can't stop loving her. And she doesn't know why.

"As long as there's breath in your body, you fight."

A tap on the window had caught her attention and she jumped at the tiny sound. Glancing back to where her mother had laid a second ago, she was gone.

"Er..."

"No...no...no..."

Tears hailed down her face, she covered her eyes and ears with shaky hands. Unsure whether her mind was still playing tricks on her.

"This can't be happening...Not again..."

* * *

 ** _Hey guys! Here's another chapter! Thank you all for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Jay watched as more tears streamed down his love's face. The pain she was in, he felt it too. He would rather go blind than to see her so sad. It took all he've got to stay strong for Erin, every cell in his body ached for her. He wants nothing more than to hold her in his arms and tell her that everything will be fine.

"Erin."

A sight difficult for him to wrap his mind around. He can tell that she's in tremendous pain. She was covered in bruises and blood from head to toe and her beautiful face was now swollen. A tear escaped his eyes in the realisation of what Carlos had done to her. He've seen it one too many times. He've seen victims just like her. Fire ignited in the pit of his stomach, he very much wanted to beat the life out of him, he will pay but he knows he had to get Erin to safety first. Killing Carlos will be his next goal.

"Er...Erin...It's me...I'm here." he whispered as he struggled not to fall off the narrow window sill that he was now standing on. It really wasn't the brightest idea to be climbing with the injuries he had sustained but it was the only way in, considering he couldn't just walk in the front door.  
Having practically mastered the art of sneaking in through a window since most of his high school nights consisted of him climbing up a trellis to his high school sweetheart, Allie Carson's bedroom window but right now it was draining the life out of him.

Luckily, after an extended persuasion, the young woman he had bumped into earlier had agreed to drive him. As she have heard tales about the community, she only conceded to driving him to the town and not to the property. Figuring, she would get herself killed if she did. Causing Jay to waste more time before finding the property

"It's ok. It's me-Jay. Please open your eyes."

Slowly, Erin opened her bloodshot eyes but her right eye remained shut, swollen. They quickly filled with tears as the realisation hit her, her nightmare was about to end.  
'Not just yet.'  
Carlos was still downstairs and the thought of what he'll do to them both when he catches them scared her.

"Jay?" his name fell out of her lips in a whisper. Her subconscious was probably preparing her for this moment.  
She slowly pushed herself off the ground and limped her way towards the window. Each step she took send tremendous amount of pain down her abdomen but she didn't care, she knows she have to suck it up and fight. Like her mother had just said, there's no time for hollowing. For the first time in forever, she had hope.

"Is that really you?"

"Yes, Er. It's really me. I'm here." he smiled through his own tears, pressing his palm against the glass. He can feel the warmth of her skin against his.  
"Jay, please..." she begged, still not believing her eyes but once she felt his familiar touch, she knew right than and there that this time, she wasn't hallucinating.

"Please Jay! Don't leave me! Please! Don't!" she pleaded, looking over her shoulder to make sure Carlos wasn't there.  
"I won't. Never." his heart broke looking at her. She was so terrified. Never did he saw this level of fear in her. Between the two of them, he can proudly say that she's the tougher one.

"Can you open the window?"

She tried pulling at the bottom frame frantically but it wouldn't budge. He must've locked it because of the stunt she pulled yesterday.  
"No." she let out a cry of frustration and banged her fists against the glass to break it.  
"No, no. Stop it. You'll hurt yourself...Step aside."

"Jay! Hurry!" she cried at hearing the sounds she dreaded the most. Completely overcome with fear, she backed herself into a corner as heavy footsteps ascended the staircase. Her heart pounded violently while every nerve in her body went numb. The courage she had just managed to muster had now all too quickly vanished.

"He's coming!"

As the footsteps got closer, she literally had to fight to stay still, to fight from shaking so violently. Her mind began spinning in uncontrollable ways.

"Oh god..."

Jay quickly gripped hard on the window lintel, seeing how distraught she was, broke him. Swinging himself backwards then smashing both feet into the glass, almost losing his footing on the sill.

"Going somewhere, sweetheart?" Carlos asked with a smile.

Frozen in fear, she was beyond terrified. Her eyes transfixed on Carlos. Erin was a sitting duck, her feet glued to the floor. In realising her fragile state, Jay scoped her into his arm, lifted her off her feet with zero effort and dragged her out the window. Now all they had to do is climb down the trellis.

"Oh no, Jay. I can't...I can't do that." she yelped in both the agonising pain in her insides and the depth of the climb. She suddenly felt so dizzy and sick to her stomach.

Grabbing her shaky hand, "Trust me!" Jay said and glanced back at the shattered window.  
"GO! GO! GO!" he shouted when Carlos come back with a shotgun.

Like a light switch, they were both driven to survival mode. Racing down the wooden latticed frame as fast as their bodies prevailed.  
Erin was finally on the ground when a shot flew past her. Startled by the sudden gunfire, Jay slipped and landed hard on his back.  
"C'mon. I got you." Erin helped him up and they hobbled along the driveway. For the first time in her life, she realised the importance of freedom and how all along she've taken it for granted. The first step out of that haunted mansion, she burst into tears. Tears poured for how she underestimated her team and Jay. He came for her. He loves her. She was so wrong to doubt him.

She ran as fast as her aching body allowed her, she didn't care that she was running barefoot against the gravel path or that her head and abdomen was screaming at her, she knew there was no time in complaining or giving up. They made it this far.

Squeezing the strong hands that hers was wrapped in, she vowed to never let him go. She wished she could take back all the nasty things she said in her head. A few hours ago, she've given up the will to live, she wanted to die. She hated Jay so much for leaving her but he didn't. Never did she thought she'll leave that house alive. But now as she smelt the fresh air she longed for, she came to her senses, she had to fight for Jay just like he fought for her.

Another gunshot rippled through the driveway and they duck for cover.  
"Arghh!" she groaned, dropping to her knees. Almost bringing Jay down with her.  
This time the pain was all too much for her to bear. Cutting through her core as she squeezed the gravel into her palms.  
"I can't! I can't! It hurts so much!" she doubled over in pain. Wondering how'd she even made it this far.

Jay didn't know what to do anymore, she was crying so much and he didn't know why. He very much wanted to carry her but his injuries wouldn't persist and it would only slow them down.  
"Yes, you can. Baby please get up." he threw his leather jacket over her frail shoulders before grabbing her under her arms and lifted her to her feet.

She nodded, looking into his ocean blue eyes. Just looking at him calmed her. She don't know what she did to deserve a man like Jay. Once they're back in Chicago, she'll finally confess everything about them to Voight. There's no point in waiting.  
What was she even waiting for in the first place?  
Life's full of uncertainties and it proven her well this week. Never did she expected to have gone through what she did in a million years.

"I, I was so afraid I'd never see you again, Jay."  
"I'm here so don't worry anymore. I'm never letting you go!" he swore, intertwined his fingers with hers and they continued running with burning hearts. They were both exhausted and hurt but they had to keep going.

A sound.

They stopped.

Blue and red lights.

Hope.

Sirens.

Was it really there or just they're tired minds playing tricks on them?

On the passenger seat, Voight's knuckles turned white as he clenched the roof handles of the SUV. The ride to the property was a tiresome and nerve-wracking one for the Chicagoans. They were so close yet so far away. But then, he saw her, his baby girl.

"Oh thank god...That's her!"

Even from metres away, he can see the damage that was done. The closer they got, the clearer his view was on her. She was suffering. The sight, knocking wind out of his lungs. Oh how he can't wait to snap the living out of Carlos.

Just then a gunshot resonated through their eardrums and the vehicle swivelled a little.  
"Hey! Hey! Stop the car!"  
Before the car could even come to a complete halt, Voight and Antonio were already out the door.

"Jay!" she screamed, turning around to see him face first onto the gravelly path while copious amount of police cars whisked past her. Everything happened too quickly. One second, she was holding onto him for dear life, the next she wasn't. She couldn't feel him next to her anymore.

Her legs gave up on her, knocking her down next to his body.  
"No! No! No! No! No!" she repeated over and over.  
Putting pressure on the hole at the back of his head, she panicked, the liquid; warm on her palms. Her hands trembled on the amount that was gushing out.  
Turning him over and pulling him onto her lap, she tried brushing the tiny stones off his face. "God Jay! No! Please don't do this to me!"

After all they've gone through together, this was how the universe is going to repay them. This was what God has in store for them. God must have really hated her for letting her suffer so much in just a span of one week.  
"You can't leave me...You promised!"  
Tears poured down her face. She couldn't stop crying and probably will never stop.

Suddenly numerous pairs of arms grab hold of her, tearing her away from Jay. "Don't! Don't! Don't touch me! Please stop! Nooo! Get away from me!" she screamed while flailing around, resisting their grip.  
She let out a high-pitched scream when Voight lifted her off the ground. Thrashing and kicking away from his hold caused all the other officers and paramedics to stare in disbelief.

"Erin!" Voight said with worry and urgency in his tone.  
"Stop! Please, Carlos! I'll do it! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'll be good! I promise! Just stop!" she looked at Voight with pleading eyes.  
He didn't know what to do since she was clearly somewhere else.  
"Erin!" he shouted, shaking her but she continued flailing.  
"Kiddo. Calm down. It's me, Voi...aghh..."  
She had scratched his face and he just let go of her. Erin collapsed to the ground, crawling towards the paramedics who was securing Jay onto the gurney.

Antonio huddled towards a disoriented Erin, stopping her from further hurting herself. "Er...Er..."  
"Dios mio..." he said under his breath and pulled her into his arms. She burrowed her face into his chest. "Tony..."  
"He's going to be ok. He's..." he said, choking back tears. Hoping his words of encouragement were believable enough since to him, it wasn't.

Voight closed his eyes, his thudding heart audible in his own ears. Her screams pleading at him, her pain raw and palpable. He knelt down beside his daughter, soothing her as he planted a kiss on top of her head. "Shhhh...You're safe now..." It was then that he noticed the maroon trails down her legs, rage consumed him just like every father would.

"De La Vega, you bring him to me."

"Jay..." she muffled, still shaking. "He can't..." raising her bloodshot and tear swollen eyes at the man she've known as dad.  
"He can't leave me. He promised...I love him...so much..." her anguished cries echoed through the surrounding hills, further breaking him.

All the pain that she was in now seemed to be so insignificant in comparison to the amount she is in right now.

"I know, darling. I know." he whispered, holding his daughter tighter, and gradually her trembling ceased.

* * *

 ** _Hey guys! Here's another chapter! Thank you all for reading! Yayyyy! Intelligence finally found Erin! Awww! NO! NO! NO! JAY! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

As the sun shone through the waiting area at Chicago Med, the rest of the Intelligence Unit waited nervously for updates on Erin.  
Having been told almost nothing, they had no idea what to expect. All they knew for certain was that it wasn't looking great for one of their friend who was still in Colombia.

Kim laid asleep, resting her head on Adam's lap while he absentmindedly caressed her cheek. Kevin nervously bit his nails as Olinsky came back with their very much needed cups of coffee.

"He's out again." Olinsky stated after handing his colleagues their cups and sat back down on one of the chairs.  
Voight who have been silent since their arrival had gone out, taking an obligatory cigarette break every five minutes. Each time, coming back with an even stronger pungent.

"Can't blame him though." Kevin said.

Voight wasn't in the mood for chitchatting for obvious reasons and they knew better than to pry answers out of him. Ever since Camille had past, hospitals were his weakness. He just couldn't tolerate the suffering and sadness a hospital carries.

Adam looked at the time on his phone then at the clock on the wall.

 _12:34pm_

"What's taking them so long? It's already been over a hour...She's fine, isn't she, Al?"

Olinsky had been the one to inform his team of their arrival and briefed them on the basics of what he've been told from Voight.

 _Jay had been shot and is still fighting for his life._  
 _Will had flown out to Colombia in order to help his brother._  
 _Antonio is still in Colombia keeping an eye on Jay._  
 _Carlos Solis got away._  
 _Someone tried to finish Erin at the hospital in Colombia._  
 _Hence, them rushing back to Chicago._

Olinsky had left out the solemn parts of reality. He just couldn't get himself to say those words.  
Voight hadn't told anyone but Olinsky about what had happened due to the fact that he didn't want to break in front of his subordinates. Out of all the days they needed him to be strong, today was the day.

"She will."

* * *

 _"I'm so sorry kiddo..." Voight said, sitting by his daughter's bedside as he held her limp hand close to his chest. Absolutely enervated by the state she was in. Her face was now free from blood and tears but it still knocked the wind right out of him. Having been sedated for the past hour, he was grateful that she could finally get some much need rest._

 _"It's all my fault..." he said in a whisper as his tears fell down his cheeks. This was the first time since his wife had passed many years ago that he have let tears fall down his face. He can't even fathom the terrible things she've endured in the hands of Carlos. He didn't want to believe it but his mind couldn't stop thinking that perhaps it was true. He was in denial, a coping mechanism that most people face when their loved ones were hurt._

 _Voight caressed her cheek, he needed her to know how badly he felt for. She's the only family he had left. The last best thing he had in his life. She means the absolute world to him._  
 _"If only I came earlier...I'm sorry kiddo...Please forgive me..."_

* * *

"How is she?" Olinsky asked the moment he saw Dr Choi walking towards them. Almost immediately, they all got up. Voight scurried over just in time from his break. Adam lightly nudged Kim to wake up before listening to the update they've all been waiting for.

"She's awake. And she've suffered quite the trauma..." Dr Choi informed. "Considering the amount of injuries she've sustained, she's doing as well as expected. Physically, she'll be fine in no time but mentally...only time will tell."

They all feared that perhaps the ordeal she had gone through was all too much for her to handle this time around. She've worked so hard in getting to the place that she was in after Nadia passed away, they worry that now it would all go to waste.

"During our initial exam..."

Since a raped kit wasn't done in Colombia and only a visual inspection was performed, as stated in the report Voight had given Dr Choi and after his own examination, Erin very much did suffered severe genital injuries.

 _Contusions to her inner thighs._  
 _Second degree vaginal tears. Vaginoperineal lacerations, abrasions and inflammations._  
 _Severe anal fissures._

It was a good thing that Erin was sedated for the majority of the time since she would've been in a tremendous amount of pain.  
During the tedious flight back to Chicago, Erin slept through most of it while Voight didn't even blink. He was too scared that Carlos or anyone for a matter of fact would try and shut her up for good. Just as Carlos had attempted back at the hospital back in Bogotá.

Dr Choi exhaled deeply, "She's refusing the rape kit. She said nothing had happened but her injuries says otherwise. We can't force her to take one if she doesn't want to."

Adam scrunched his brows, dumbfounded by what Dr Choi had just said.  
"Whoa! Whoa! Raped?! She was raped?!" Adam shouted. He turned over to Voight, looking at him for confirmation. He stared at his superiors in disbelief since none of them had even thought to inform any of them of that important detail.

Adam could feel his stomach tying in knots as his blood began to boil. He was flooded with millions of emotions, everything in him screaming to punch something.

"Unfortunately, yes."

* * *

 _Fear is as ubiquitous as the sunlight at the crack of dawn. A dread one can't run from. That was why Erin never saw it coming. Why would she? She had thought that she was safe, being in the confines of a hospital and not in that hellhole of a bedroom. Little did she know, it was just the start of her nightmare._

 _A shadow towered over her. A dark force holding her down. She was unable to move as panic seeped in and her mind began screaming, telling her to open her eyes. Unfortunately, the strength of the sedated she'd been given, made it hard to cut through the haze and merely impossible to rouse herself from her deep slumber. Eventually, those screams were heard and her eyes flung open. Almost immediately a hand clamped tightly over her mouth._

 _"D-don't make a sound." A man's voice demanded in a low whisper. A well-groomed middle aged man in a white lab coat stared down at her._

 _Her brain had shut down. She was terrified. She felt as if she was back in that haunted mansion. Her watery eyes enlarged and the hairs on the nape of her neck bristled. A gaggle of goosebumps laminated her frigid, pale skin. She tried to scream for Voight and Antonio against his palms but muffled sounds were all that was audible._

 _"Shh shh...p-please s-stop screaming." he begged, voice quivered. He too was just as terrified as she was._

 _A choked cry for help forced itself up her throat, and she felt a drop run down her cheek. It seemed as if this was the end of the road for her. She couldn't breath. Her heart was racing and all she wanted to do was to go back home, to Chicago. But that was not possible, she knew she was going to die today._

 _Tears formed at the bream of his eyes, "I'm so sorry...but I have to...Mi familia...he have my family..."_

 _"He? What are you talking about?" she scream at his palms._  
 _Her heart pounded hard against her chest, sending ripples of throbbing blood directly to her temples. She stared, paralysed, and felt her once zealous limbs froze as he raised his shaky hands, a handgun pressing at her temple._

 _"Please...stop moving...I don't want to shoot you but...if I have to..."_

 _Sweat poured down her face and she stayed as still as possible. He looked down at her and she let out a whimper. Cold tears started to stream down her face as her life began to flash before her eyes._  
 _Her family. Friends. Voight. Jay._  
 _'Oh God, Jay! Is he ok?'_

"Te pido Seńor me perdones lo que acabo de hacer..."

 _She looked up at the man and started crying and whimpering. This can't be happening. She must be dreaming. This must be just another nightmare. Closing her eyes in the hopes that he would just disappear._

 _'Why is he doing this to me?' she thought. She've never seen this man before and judging by the way he's dressed, he must be a doctor. Or impersonating one. Only one reason made sense._

 _Carlos._

 _Carlos must have sent him to finish her._

 _'They do have Carlos in custody, don't they?'_

 _She screamed against his hold again but he quickly pinched her nose. Cutting off her air supply._  
 _"P-please...you n-need to calm down..."_

 _Erin struggled to breath beneath him as he continued suffocating her with his strong hands._

"Dios te salve, María...Llena eres de gracia...El Seńor es contigo..."

 _At this point, she was desperate for air. Thrashing violently, she couldn't stop convulsing, her nails dug into his skin but he didn't loosen his grip in the slightest. He was determined._

"Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres...Y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús..."

 _She was getting weaker and weaker, her vision blurred and she was suddenly saw a young woman limp on a hospital bed. That woman looked just like her but was covered in bruises and frail. Almost unrecognisable._

"Santa María, Madre de Dios, ruega por nosotros, pecadores, ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte...Amén..."

* * *

 ** _Hey guys! Here's another chapter! Thank you all for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 _"Son of a bitch!" Antonio shouted and ran into Erin's room the moment he saw the stranger suffocating her. Slowly her hands fall limp to her sides._

 _"¡Necesitamos un doctor!"_

 _An enraged Antonio snatched him by the coat and slammed him onto a nearby wall. The impact dislocating his shoulder in the process. Antonio didn't care of the man's agonising cry as his bones detached and continued his merciless beating, smashing his face with his fists. Delivering blow after blow. Drawing blood every time he lifted his hand back for the next impact._

 _Upon seeing Erin's lifeless body, De La Vega immediately began performing CPR. They had gotten back from the Chapel just in time before she had lost consciousness._

 _Just as the doctors and nurses rushed into her room, Erin took in the air she needed. Gasping hard for oxygen her lungs desperately craved._

 _"What's going on?" Voight stumbled into her room. He was so desperately confused. In the short amount of time that he was gone, all hell broke loose. Antonio was beating the life out of a doctor. Blood was flying everywhere and he was sure he saw teeth on the floor. Erin was heaving for air, turning bright red as she began choking on her own coughs._

 _"Slowly..." her doctor tried calming her down. Instructing her to take slow deep breathes._

 _"Lo siento...Lo siento...Mi familia..." the stranger begged, his good arm curled over his head to protect himself from Antonio's blows._

 _"¡Él va a matar a mi familia!"_

 _It took two security guards and De La Vega to pry Antonio off the strange doctor. Other than the time Diego, his son, was kidnapped, Voight have never seen Antonio so violent. He've always been the calm one amongst the bunch._

 _"Hank...Carlos...He's going to kill me...He's not going to stop..." she hung her head and sobbed even louder, her frail body shaking. "Please...Hank...I wanna go home..."_

 _"Kddo..." Voight said as tears fell freely down his face. He will be taking her back to Chicago no matter what the doctors says. She isn't safe in Colombia. Especially when Carlos had almost everyone in his pockets. Connections after connections. He was certain that someone within De La Vega's Unit had helped him escape. Since no one else knew about their plan, he was sure it was one of them._

 _Taking a step closer, Voight wanted to put his arms around her; to calm her but she was still fragile and frightened. Even the slightest touch could set her off and he didn't want her to suffer all over again._  
 _He crouched down beside her bed, still crying. Erin couldn't get herself to look at him. She was too ashamed. He was crying because of her._

 _"...Ok, kiddo...Let's go home..."_

 _Crying, they still haven't talked about the two elephants in the room._

 _Erin so desperately wanted to know whether Jay was alive. But she was so terrified about the truth. Since he was literally shot in the head; the hole and the amount of blood gushing out, she knew it was highly unlikely._

 _Voight had unsuccessfully tried to convince himself that Erin wasn't touched. No father would ever even want to think about that. Every time he finally got the courage, his mind went blank and he saw red._

 _'Is Jay ok?' was what she wanted to ask._

 _'Did he rape you?' was what he wanted to ask_.

* * *

Adam had gone off punching a nearby wall with both his fists.

Olinsky ran his hands over his face in frustration.

Voight was staring off into space, seeing red. He was so mad and was trying so hard to keep his anger at bay.

Kim buried her face, crying on her best friend, Kevin's shoulders.

Kevin draped his arms around Kim's shoulders, holding her close.

They cried for their friends, Erin and Jay, who have gone through a tremendous ordeal in just a couple of days.

What Dr Choi had just told them was too difficult to wrap their heads around.

"Does she have to do the kit?" Kevin asked. Feeling a little stupid for even asking that. But Erin was his big sister, he respects her and idolises her so much. "I mean she've already gone through a lot and this..." shaking his head, it would've just break her even further.

"You know as well as I do that it's for the best especially when it goes to trial. Not only that we need to make sure there isn't any long lasting effects on her health."

Atwater nodded, knowing that health comes first. Also, the defence would just spin the fact into a matter of he said-she said. He've witnessed it one too many time.

"Voight, you need to convince her to do the kit."

* * *

The Intelligence Unit stood by the doorway as Erin continued screaming at Dr Manning in the hopes of getting her point across. Frustration and exhaustion were written all over her face. It seemed like no one was listening to her anymore.

"I wasn't raped! Don't you think I would tell you if I was!" she screamed, still not aware that her colleagues were by the door.

"Erin. Most _victims_ don't-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Erin had thrown her hands in the air then buried her face in them in pure annoyance. She grunted. "No! I'm not a _victim_! So don't, don't treat me like one! I wasn't raped! He didn't do anything to me! Why can't you understand that?!"

Dr Choi cleared his throat, stopping Erin's temper from escalating. The level at which she was screaming, he knew the whole floor was listening in on the drama. "Nat."

That was when she noticed Intelligence, her family, staring back at her. Not having moved from the position where they stand as stunned silence filled the air. All eyes were on her and she felt vulnerable all over again.

They all had the same burning question, what the hell did he do to her?

Through her exposed skin that the hospital gown bared, horrible bruises and cuts covered them. Her face was swollen and a bandage was wrapped around the gash on her head.

"Adam...what happened to your head?" Erin asked, truly concerned for her friend but also since a dozen of pairs of eyes were on her, it was all too suffocating for her.

"Oh. This. It's nothing. Just...you know, clumsy me..." Adam chuckled and made his way to her bedside as the rest nervously followed his lead.

Her heart started pounding harshly against her chest and she swallowed hard as a herd of men tower towards her. She had to constantly remind herself that they were no predators. That they weren't here to harm her. They were her family. They love her.

"Give us a minute." Olinsky said to the doctors.

There was a brief silence before Kim broke down once again and huddle over to her friend. "Erin!" she cried. Unlike the boys, she just couldn't keep her emotions all bottled up. "Are you ok?"

Erin laughed a little as she broke their embrace. She wasn't ok.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. What kind of a question was that, Kim? I shouldn't. I just. I've. No we have all just been so worried. And I've kinda been freaking out all day. And I've been wrecking my-"

"Kim." Adam stopped her from further rumbling on.

"No. It's..." Erin looked away as she felt the sting of fresh tears in her eyes, threatening to spill yet again. "I never thought I'd see all of you again." she said with a forced smile, trying to lighten the intense mood. She stifled her tears even though all she wanted was nothing more than to cry. Again and again and again. To release the pain that she was in.

"Er, we're here. It's _alright_." Kevin said.

Shaking her head, "It's not..." she whispered as she pulled the blanket closer to her chest and started picking at a lint that wasn't even there, refusing to meet anyone's gaze. She's too ashamed. She's now reduced to a helpless _victim_. "...I don't think it'll ever be _alright_ again."

They were all heartbroken at the truth of her statement. Judging by her state, they knew she was right. She might never be the same. Ever.

"Erin, look at me..." Voight finally spoke, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. Her breathing seized as he stepped closer. She needed to calm down.

"I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will get throughly this." he smiled and gave her a reassuring squeeze on her leg. Involuntarily, she flinched violently. Yanking her body far away as possible. Scaring Voight and the rest with a gasp at her sudden movement.

"I'm sorry." he held his hand up in surrender. She felt absolutely embarrassed and ashamed that her family had to witness that.

"You gotta trust us, kid."

Covering her face with her palms, she began sobbing as her mind attacked her with memories after memories.

His chiselled face.

His hazel eyes.

His head that radiated off his body.

His breath on her skin.

His vicious thrusts.

His grunting and moaning echoing in her ears.

She swallowed the onslaught of memories back inside. She cannot break. Not now. Not ever.

"I did and you forgot about me."

"Erin, no. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that it took us this long but you gotta believe me, we didn't forget you for even a second. Ok?" he nodded, hoping that she believed him. "For as long as I live, I will hate myself for not getting to you sooner...but I'm here now. We're here now."  
"You're safe now, Erin. He's never going to hurt you." Olinsky added.  
"You don't know that! He's still out there!"

"And what he did to me...there's nothing you or anyone can do about it. What's done, is done." she shrugged.

As much as she wanted to turn back time and erase the torment of the last few days, there was nothing anyone could do.

Her words cut through them like a knife. It was true. He did raped her. He violated her. Their colleague, friend and sister. There wasn't anything in this world that they wouldn't do for Erin even if it means murdering someone in cold blood.

"Listen to me, Erin. I will catch this son of a bitch. He's going to regret ever hurting my family. You have my word. I promise."

"Kid, you know you have to..." Olinsky trained off.

As a cop, she knows she has to do the rape kit. She knows how crucial a rape kit is in convicting a perpetrator. But she also knows the backlog issue that the Chicago Police has. It was important to her that Carlos not only gets convicted for the impending charges they had on him but also for what he had done _to_ her. That is if he's captured.

As a survivor, she doesn't even want to think of a rape kit. All she wanted was to go home and take a long, scalding hot shower. In order to scrub Carlos off of her. After those miserable days of pure disgust and repugnance, she needed to scrub every inch of her filthy body and all traces of Carlos. No amount of showers can make her feel clean and normal again. She knew somehow he'd cling onto her for eternity.

"...But nothing they can do to him can change what he did _to_ me." she cried in a whisper.  
"He did everything...he made me do everything."

Slowly putting his arms around her after a nod of confirmation, Voight kissed the top of her head. This time she didn't react, she let him hold her and she cried in his arms. Knowing that Voight, her dad, hadn't got a drop of malice in his embrace.

* * *

For the first time in five years, Erin was thankful that she couldn't get pregnant. For the longest time she was so devastated and mad that God had taken her ability to conceive but today as she swallowed the antibiotics, antiviral and emergency contraceptives that the doctors had given her, she was beyond relieved.

She remembered like it was just yesterday that the doctor have given her the news she never expected to hear.

 _"I'm so sorry, Ms Lindsay, but I'm afraid you're unable to conceive."_

Five years ago, after a routine checkup, she was diagnosed with endometriosis which have caused her infertility. It was a condition she've never heard of. Upon hearing her diagnosis, she never even thought about having children, she never thought that she want one of her own.

After growing up the way she did, bring another human being into this cruel world was the last thing on her mind. It would have been selfish of her. She would never want to fail her children the way her parents failed her. She was so afraid of becoming Bunny that it scarred her for life. But right after that appointment, all she could think of was how desperately she wanted kids. Not one or two children but as many as she could bare. She needed kids of her own. She craved them.

Letting out a huge sigh of relief, she now doesn't have to worry about any of that. Baring children was never going to happen for her. Not in this lifetime.

"... _Victim_ presents severe contusions and swelling on the right posterior end of her face..." the doctor said into the tape recorder, snapping her out of her thoughts.

 _Victim_. There that word goes again. The word she desperately loathed. It kept flying out of the doctors' mouth, no matter the amount of times she repeated and insisted that she wasn't a victim. It really was a change for her since she've never been on the other side. She never needed to be. She's a cop.

"Would you please turn to your left, hun." the kind Dr. Eve Warner said with a smile as she got the camera ready to snap and document her last few injuries.

Erin understood that she was just doing her job and that it was standard procedure but after six hours of gruelling, embarrassing and agonising pain of having to relive and reencounter the days in that haunted mansion, she was ready to scream at the top of her lungs and jump off the Willis Tower. She no longer wanted to live since she've got nothing to live for.

"I know it's difficult but would you tell me how you got that injury."

Erin remembered each and every injury she had acquired crystal clear. Although she very much wanted to block the memory, she couldn't. Her brain simply wouldn't let her.

"Umm...he, he grabbed me by the back of my neck..." she raised her hand to her neck where he had choked her and glanced at the nurse then back on her lap, "...I was tryna run away by jumping off the window...At that time, it seemed like my only way out and I needed to get outta there. I just couldn't take it...Anyway...he smashed my head against the wall...Three time...I..I don't why I counted..." her voice cracked as the events of that night replayed in her head.

"Thank you. We're almost there. You're doing great."

Erin can't wait for this day to end. She knew this day will not end any time soon since she still hadn't gone to the most dreaded part, the last part of the rape kit, which was the invasive test. An internal exam where the doctor does further more poking, swabbing and photo shots of her insides.

"Now can you tell me how you got that injury across your neck."

Erin was thankful that the cut to her neck wouldn't cause too much scaring. It was one of the only injuries that might not leave permanent damage.

Taking a few deep breaths to compose herself. "After he..." she bit her lip as she couldn't get herself to say that word, "After he...s-sodomised..." she stuttered, fighting back the urge to cry.  
"...sodomised me...with god knows what!" she finally let it out and cried.  
Tears stinging her swollen face, remembering what Dr Manning had told her earlier in the day. That was why her abdomen and nether region were in excruciating pain the other day. That sicko had penetrated her with a foreign object.

"It's ok. Take your time." the doctor reassured.

Having not eaten or drank in days and only being pumped full of saline and ibuprofen to help with the dehydration and pain, she can literally feel her flesh wasting away. Since they can't further contaminate the evidence and crime scene, in other words, her body, she wasn't allowed any food and water until the kit was done. She now felt lightheaded as she surrender her last encounter to the kind doctor.

 _She said whatever she could to make him change his mind that night. Whatever possible so she wouldn't have to go through it again. She cried, begged, pleaded and promised to do anything and everything, she just couldn't get herself to bring a new load of shipment,_ cocaine _, to Hong Kong. Being too terrified and certain that if she did, she will be lost forever and that her team will never be able to find her._

 _Agreeing to her offer on '_ anything _', he smirked down at Erin, who was literally on the floor begging at his feet. "Anything, huh?"_  
 _"Fine. Take it out."_

 _Wide-eyed in the realisation of what he meant, she hung her head in trounce as sobs ripped from her and she shook violently from her cries. She cursed at herself for not actually thinking before those words fell out of her mouth. Now she hadn't got much of a choice._

 _"You...you sick bastard!"_

 _"Great. That answers everything." he said before backhanding her across the face. He grabbed fistful of her mangled hair, pulled it back then rested a sharp blade on her neck, he quickly applied slight pressure on his hold and slid it across her flesh. It was deep enough for her to be spraying blood across the walls. He was taunting her._

 _He didn't gave her any time to comprehend before blood trickled down her naked torso. She immediately panicked at the sight of her blood and grabbed her neck with shaky hands._  
 _"Oh my God! What did you do?!"_

 _She wasn't even aware that he had left the bedroom until he came back with balloons filled with cocaine. Just like the ones she had swallowed back in Chicago. Instantly, he again pulled her back by the hair, attempting to shove the contrabands down her throat._

 _"Tragarlo!"_

 _Clamping down on her gash with one hand, she used the other bloodied hand to cover her mouth. She turned her head to her side and cried out as he gripped her jaw, pulled her hand off her mouth and whipped her head hard in order to face him. His hazel eyes telling her that she still has two choices._

 _"Ok! Ok...I'll do it."_

 _"I'll do it." she whispered. Her dignity was now nowhere to be found._

 _Hesitantly, she rose to her knees. Closing her eyes to stop weeping but instead she let out a loud cry of pain and shame. With shaky hands, she reached for his belt buckle. Almost gagging on her vomit as she unzipped his jeans._

 _"I'm waiting..." he was so astonished and aroused by her sudden will and dedication._

 _Tears kept trickling down like rainfall as she pulled down his pants._

 _A loud moan escaped his lips the moment he felt her trembling hands on him._

 _Every last ounce of pride and dignity she have had left in her that night was drained away in a blink of an eye. He had broke her._

 _He yanked her off him, her empty eyes stared up at him. "Do me like you would do that pretty partner of yours."_

This was just the beginning of her nightmare. Carlos was never going to let her go and he knew that. He wanted a piece of himself imbedded in her forever. He made sure to break her. To break her so bad that every time she closed her eyes, all she saw were his crazed hazel eyes.

"Alright, Erin. You've been very brave. Do you need more time to get ready before we move onto the last part?"

The invasive part.

Erin debated in her head before having to face the humiliation of exposing her maimed insides to a complete stranger. Yet again.

"No." she rested her feet on the stirrups as the doctor lifted the sheet. She wanted to get this over with.

During the whole ordeal, tears spilled down her face and all she could think of was Jay. Whether he was alive or not since no one was telling her anything.

They were too afraid that Erin wouldn't be able to handle the truth.

* * *

 ** _Hey guys! Thank you all for reading and the reviews! I'm so glad you all are enjoying this story! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Sweetheart! Oh sweetheart! I'm home!" A familiar cold, sadistic voice called out to her. Heavy footsteps ascending the staircase to the second floor of Voight's house. Throwing her covers, she sprung upright, adjusting her eyes to the darkness.  
'No! This can't be real! He can't...'

"Voight." she cried but fear gripped her, tearing out her vocal chords. She was completely overcome with dread that she began backing herself into a corner as she heard the proximity of his footsteps. Her heart pounded frantically against her chest, she felt like she was having a heart attack.

"Hank! Where are you?"

The house was in pin-drop silence, other than the footsteps, nothing else can be heard.  
What if Voight is dead?  
'No...God no...' she stayed glued to the wall as if it could offer her some sort of protection.

The doorknob began to turn and once again she was faced with the devil. A painful knot formed in the pit of her stomach, churning as her eyes filled with tears yet again.

"I missed you, sweetheart." he said in the calmest of voices.

A sob tore through her with absolute terror dominating her every emotion and she felt her body go numb. She was in total oblivion as her bladder released and warm liquid ran down her shaky legs.

Carlos walked in, closing the door as he stepped foot into her bedroom. Her eyes stayed on him and the door behind, calculating her chances of running out.

"Say that you missed me, love."

In a split decision, she made a dash for the door. Her hands had barely gripped the doorknob before he snaked his arm around her wrist and lifted her off her feet.

"Going somewhere?" he asked as he threw her down onto the bed. She quickly scrambled to her feet and tried to run but a hard fist sent her flying back onto the mattress. Pinning her with his body on top, his mouth nibbled and licked the skin he missed so dearly.

"No...Please don't...VOIGHT!" she screamed hysterically, struggling beneath him. Nauseated at the feel of him on her flesh. He pinned her arms above her head, holding her wrists with one large hand while his the other roamed inside her pants.

"HANK!"

Her mind was raising; where is he when you need him? He had promised to keep her safe. That was why she had agreed to live with him for a while.  
Knowing that he wouldn't be coming any time soon, she was alone once again. She can't let this happen. Not when she was finally free.

Suddenly remembering the gun she had kept for protection, already locked and loaded, ready to fire. With her free hand, she reached under the pillow, frantically feeling for the cold metal. Once her hand gripped the gun, she didn't spare a second before pulling the trigger. Shooting him right between the eyes. The loud bang ricocheted through the walls of her bedroom. Blood poured down the bullet hole, she stared wide eyed as a smirk spread across his face.

"What?" she breathed out in utter disbelief.  
"Why you gotta be so stupid?" he yelled, fury in his eyes as he used his fists to viciously pummel her still bruised face, creating fresher and newer ones.

Before she could even beg for mercy, with both hands around her neck, he lifted her off the bed and into the air all the while squeezing the life out of her. She scratched and clawed at his arms but it was no match for his strength and before she knew it, he literally threw her across the room. Resulting in her hitting her temple on the edge of her dresser. Pain exploded in her head as she tried to get up.

Just as she began praying to the Almighty above, Voight popped out of nowhere. He finally decided to show up.  
The second she saw Voight, immediately she pleaded for him to leave. Not wanting her father to get hurt.  
"Voight! Run! He's here!"  
"Kiddo, what's wrong?" his voice was calm. A little too calm. Like he wasn't even aware of all the blood running down her face.

With a finger to his lips, Carlos walked behind him.  
"Behind you! He's behind you!" she screamed but it was too late. Carlos arms had already gripped onto Voight's neck. He never saw it coming and before she knew it, he was ripped open. Severing his jugular. Sending arterial spray across the walls and on her face. Voight was twitching and gurgling as Carlos dropped his dying body to the ground, right next to her and she came face to face with his almost detached head.  
"Dad!" she shrieked. Bile threatening to spill as she eyed the horror that was once her father.

 _"Kiddo!"_

Just as he was dragging his feet back to his room, Voight was startled by the sounds of his daughter's screams from the living room. He made a dash down the hall, quickly turning on the lights.  
"Kiddo!"  
She had tangled herself up in her blankets before screaming so loud. He was certain it had woken up the neighbours.

"Erin!" he grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her wildly, her eyes sprung open and she bolted upright. Disoriented and confused, she looked around her harmless surroundings. Throwing herself onto Voight's arms as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Just like yesterday. Ever since she've been rescued, she've been having the same violently dream. She was so afraid of sleeping that she had spent the last five days wide awake and caffeine fuelled, until even consciousness was too much to bare and she began hallucinating again. Beds on the other hand terrified her hence, opting to sleep on the couch.

"It's ok, Er..." he soothed, "You're ok. You're home. It was just another dream." he held her tight and kissed her head.

Erin have been home for the past 2 weeks. At Voights's house to be exact. Although she was reluctant, he haven't given her much of a choice to say no.  
Other than going to the hospital, she was a total bum. Spending her days in tears, cleaning and showering. She felt so incompetent. How can she go back to Intelligence when she couldn't even be trusted with her own emotions?  
In order for her to go back to work, she has to pass a series of tests and get a solid 'clear for duty' from the departmental shrink which she doesn't think will be possible any time soon.

"A dream? But he...he was here...I saw him..."

Weeks have gone and Carlos was still etched in her brain. He was still with her. In every dream, he was there. And every time, she ends up dying along with everyone in Intelligence.

Now, she was definitely aware of the puddle she was sitting on. Her face turned crimson red with absolute humiliation. She had wet herself. "I'm so sorry, Hank." she buried her face in her hands, too ashamed to face him.  
"Er, it's fine." he said and pulled her hands away from her face, "It's ok. You go get yourself cleaned and I'll handle this, ok."  
She was still hysterical, embarrassed, choking out gut wrenching sobs, Voight desperately tried reassuring her.

For the past two weeks, she had never wet herself and now that she did and she dreams were only getting worse by the day, he was certain that she needs more help than he could offer.

* * *

Erin sat by his bedside in the ICU, she took his hands in hers. Kissing his icy fingers. A pang of guilt consumed her as the room was filled with a beeping and whooshing rhythm from all the machines that Jay was hooked onto.  
She ran her fingers through what was left of his hair, the doctors had shaved a section of his gorgeous auburn curls in order to extract the bullet. "Jay...I'm so sorry..."  
Tears fell freely down her chin, she sat motionless, comprehending her actions as droplets rippled onto his gown.  
"You have to be ok, baby. You have to wake up. I, I can't do this without you…Please don't leave…"

Right now as the rhythm sang to her, she reminisce to that night. The night that they were both taken from the streets. The night that had changed their entire lives for the worse. They never should've gone out.

Just then there was a tap on the glass door, she immediately wiped the tears off her face before turning around to see Will.

"Hey." he said, giving Erin a weak smile as he made way into his brother's room.

For the past four weeks, he have been avoiding her. He just didn't know how to face her. Upon hearing what she went through from one of the nurses, he too was devastated. It killed him to see her in pain but at the same time he can't help but have that tiny part of him blaming her for what had happened to his brother, his only family. He resented himself for even having such thought, for being so selfish since he was not the only one in grief. Erin was suffering as well. On top of her own calamity and now Jay, Will wondered how she had managed to not completely fall apart. Because for him, he could barely hold it together.

"How are you?" he finally asked the question he was meaning to ask three weeks ago.  
"Me?" she let out a nervous chuckle that masked her true feelings. "I'm fine." she lied. She was still very much miserable. Every time she closed her eyes, she would be haunted by nightmares and every single time she would be jolted awake, disoriented and terrified. It had gotten to the point where Voight wouldn't sleep at all. He couldn't. Spending the entire night anticipating her next screams had left him restless.

They both stood side by side in silence, completely overcome with helplessness. Both wondering what awful thing they have done to deserve such pain.

"Will...I'm...I'm...so sorry...It's all my fault..." she stammered with tears in her eyes as she stood in front of him, so fragile and helpless.  
"No. Don't. Don't even think that...Come here." he said, pulling her into his arms. At first she was hesitant but knowing that in order to move forward and not let those days define her, she had to take the first step. Within seconds, she began sobbing in his arms.  
"It's ok. Just let it out. I'm here." he said. No longer was he alone and he knew that. He has a family, a sister. He has Erin.

'You should've listened to me!' Will screamed in his head. His brother's life was at risk. A said fifty-fifty gamble of him waking up. Even then, there still could be irreparable damages to his brain. If only Jay had listened to him and not go all Superman on saving everyone's lives, he would not be in this situation.

'Please wake up!' Erin begged. It could take day, months or even years for Jay to wake up. There was no way of telling. At least that's what she've been told. Jay was lucky that he only suffered a brain bleed since it could've been much worse. The proximity had slowed down the impact of entry to his skull but unfortunately, the force had fractured his cranium, causing a subdural hematoma. Due to the severity of his brain injury, he was placed in a coma to give time for his brain to heal and allow the swelling to dissipate.

"What's that say?" Erin pulled away from their embrace once she noticed a sudden spike in the EEG monitor that kept track of the electrical waves in his brain. Eager for some good news.  
"So when patients are in a medically induced coma, the brain is quiet for up to several seconds at a time, punctuated by short bursts of activity. This pattern is known as burst suppression which allows the brain to conserve vital energy during times of trauma."

Erin stared at him like a deer in the headlights and laughed, a real genuine chuckle. The first time she felt her lips curled into a smile in weeks. She didn't want to admit it but she was clueless to all the medical lingo.

"That's a good sign. It means there is brain activity." he smiled at her blushing cheeks.

"Do you think he's dreaming?"

Although Will knew it was highly unlikely for patients in a coma to be dreaming, he hoped his brother was the exception.  
"If he is, I'm sure he's dreaming of you."

* * *

 _Once upon a time in a land far far away, an auction was in place at the city hall. The wealthy were to auction their desired peasant. A low class for them to keep._

 _Chained to a post of the wooden platform at the auction shack is I, ready to be taken to my new owner. We, men, women and children, all caged like worthless animals. These conditions were in noway suitable for man._

 _My body jerks violently with the furious crack of a whip. Despite the flesh on my back being torn to shreds I do not beg for mercy nor do I cry out. The small crowd whispers to each other; watching the beating like a form of amusement as a man drags me out of my stall._

 _"Good day, Your Highness." I hear the chief auctioneer said to whom I can only assume is royalty._

 _"Greetings. 2000 groats to what we owe."_

 _'2000 groats! That's quite the penny for a peasant.' I thought, wondering whom could worth that awful lot of money._

 _I watch as a well-dressed man with a crown handed the portly man a handful of money. Money that I can never touch with my callous hands._

 _Eventually the royalty hurry out the awful smelling of a shack but I stand in my place. Glued to the dirt ground. No one has yet to instruct me follow behind._  
 _"Well now, scurry along." said the royal advisor as he turn around, gesturing me to quicken my pace._

 _Eventually I am standing by the carriage, two women; one dressed in silk and the other in rags. I stand before them with my cheap, ripped, woollen pants, bare feet and bare chest as the lady in silk examined me. I can only assume that she is the Duchess._

 _"What is this?" she grabs me by my arm, turns me around so my back faces her. I know what they are gawking at. My scars from years ago. It is frowned upon to purchase a slave with scars since it is proof that they have misbehaved._

 _I pray in my heart that they will not return me. Though it pains me to admit but I would very much rather be at their service than be back in that horrible shack._

 _'Perhaps I still have a chance to run. No, I mustn't...they would have me sentenced to a thousand slashes.'_

 _The Duke sighed, "Oh well, we've paid for his price. Scars or no scars, he will do." he pushed me into the carriage._  
 _I am taken aback by his hoarse voice. It is none I have come across, sounding like he had just swallowed a mouthful of gravel. I stared at the ground, not wanting to be of any trouble._

 _We began rolling away against the uneven dirt road, the royal advisor and the general sat by my side. I still am in shackles._

 _"Honoured to work for the royal family, I hope?"_

 _I do not respond. My fists tightened around my restraints. I most certainly am not. I may be of low status but I do not enjoy being treated poorly._

 _'Why is it that the wealthy have to be so cruel?'_

 _"You will answer your King." he snapped. "Or you will be punished."_

 _"You are not my King. And I am most definitely not honoured to work for you." I spat._

 _"Very well then. A punishment is in order." he growled._

 _I turn to face the window and that was when I saw the most beautiful girl in the entire Kingdom, sitting right across from me. She must be the Princess. She was arguing with her father on my behalf but I didn't care to listen. I was lost._

Forest green.

 _Forest green are the colour of her eyes. If they say the eyes are the window to the soul, then I must believe she has the most kindness soul there is._

 _She smiled at me but I was too mousy to even look in her direction. Her fair complexion and caramel hair flowed like clouds. She is a true angel. I absolutely mustn't look into such beauty._

 _'I do not deserve this privilege to be at her presence.'_

 _I feel her eyes on me. Burning my theow skin. She is studying me but I still do not dare to eye the Princess. I fear I might fall deeply._

 _"Well, if you do not mind...could you tell us your name?"_

 _"My darling!" her father growled, "His name is of no importance. He is our peasant, we shall call him by who he is."_

 _"Daddy, he may be peasant but he too is man." she muttered. "Just as you, mother and I."_

 _'Dear god! Why is she troubling herself to defend a helpless peasant?'_

 _"We shan't have this discussion with the..." the Duchess trailed off, looking at me as she does._

 _The Princess crosses her arms against her chest, her sky blue silk gown with gold accents complements her very well._  
 _"I am Erin, Princess of Apulia."_

 _I finally muster the courage to look into her eyes. Our eyes met and my heart exploded with burning desire and I gave her the slightest of smiles._

* * *

 ** _Hey guys! Thank you all for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!_**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

About a hundred metres away down the corner, through her big and dark rimmed sunglasses, she spotted a familiar face sitting by the steps on Voight's porch, smoking a cigarette. With that big fluffy faux fur coat, skirt and dirty blonde hair, she will never forget that awful combination of outfit no matter how much she tried.

"Ugh! You've gotta be kidding me!" she cursed at herself for actually leaving the house today. She knew she should've listened to her gut and just crawl into a hole. Reluctantly, she still listened to her brain and strutted a few blocks away to the grocery store.

Clutching onto the keys in her hand and the bags of groceries on either arms, she stopped on her tracks. Contemplating on whether turning back around was a better idea. She've had enough drama in her life to deal with for a lifetime.

Just as she was about to make a 180 degrees turn, the familiar voice called out. "Dandelion!"

Feeling like she've just been punched in the stomach, she was yet again taken back to those long days and endless nights in that haunted mansion. Remembering how in her desperate state, she had hallucinated about her deadbeat mother.

"What's with the sunglasses, baby girl?" her mother wondered, arms around hers in an awkward embrace. The brown paper bags created a riff between them.

Having no recollection whatsoever of how she'd made to the front door, she was glad that her shades had successfully mask her confusion.  
"Nothing." she pushed pass her mother and unlocked the door. Gesturing for her mother to step into the warm house.

"I knew that boyfriend of yours was too good to be true!" Bunny shook her head. Never did she liked that Jay fellow. He was too nice, too sweet and too loving. Something out of a fairytale. In all fairness, she had to admit that she was a little jealous of her daughter. While she was still finding her true love, her own daughter had already found hers.

"So what?...Did he slap you around? Shoved you a little so that's why you're wearing those pathetic sunglasses! You look ridiculous, Erin."

"Says the woman who dresses like a cheap prostitute half the time." Erin mumbled under her breath as she stuffed groceries into the refrigerator in the kitchen. Letting her mother ramble on in the hopes that she'll eventually drop it. But she didn't.

"Is that why you're staying here, huh? With the beast."

She knew she looked insane to be wearing sunglasses in the middle of winter in Chicago. Being afraid of seeing sheer pity when one gawks at her, she'd rather people think she's crazy. Not even knowing the whole story, people will automatically jump to conclusions. Just like Bunny.

"To answer your first question..." she walked out of the kitchen to see Bunny making herself comfortable on Voight's couch and resting her feet on the coffee table.  
"No. Jay would never hurt me like that. Unlike the men _you_ end up with, Jay is a good man. For a matter of fact, he's amazing. And he loves me." she rubbed it on Bunny's face.  
Her mother snickered, rolling her eyes as Erin slapped her feet away from the table before taking a seat on the other end of the sofa.  
"And to your second question, it's none of your business!"

"Whatever floats your boat, dandelion."

"Stop calling me that! And how'd you even know I was here?" she wondered.  
"Oh right. I stopped by at your place, some neighbour said you haven't been there in weeks. So I went to your work, lucky the beast didn't saw me. Anyway, yeah, I bumped into that Mexican hottie. The one that works with you. He said you'd be here."  
Erin looked at her in shock. Blinking a few times to comprehend her mother's choice of words in describing Antonio.

"Whatever. Come on then. What do you want from me now? I know you didn't just come here to give me relationship advice." she asked coldly. Busying herself by neatly rearranging the magazines on the coffee table that Bunny had messed up.

"Erin!"

She jumped at the sudden rise in her tone, coupled by her PTSD. She haven't really been diagnosed with the syndrome but she knows she has it. All the signs and symptoms were present.

"What? Just tell me what is it you want from me! Then leave me alone."  
Erin just want to get it over with already. Every time she sees her mother, she almost always has an ulterior motive. Bunny would never even think to visit her daughter if she didn't want something in return.  
"Spit it out already!"

Bunny's face scrunched up, hurt, at what her daughter had just blatantly said. "I haven't seen you in ages. Can't a mother see how her child's doing?"  
She suppressed the urge to laugh.  
"Of course they can but you, you were never really a mother."

"You know what, dandelion? I can't take you seriously with those on!"

Before she could even protest or yank her arm away, Bunny had already snatched the sunglasses off her face.

"Baby!" she gasped, running her hand on her fading bruises and cuts. Splotches of yellowish healing broken blood vessels covered her eyes and face.  
"Don't touch me! Don't you ever touch me!" she said angrily, pushing her hands away. Knowing that Bunny had intended to do this all along.  
"Who did this to you?"

Suddenly, Erin felt a hand on her shoulder and she flinched. She jerked away in such a panic that it too had startled Bunny. Erin looked away. Not daring to look into her mother's eyes. She knew she was on the verge of breaking down.

"What the hell happened, sweetheart?"

With that, a state of pandemonium was unleashed and she simply couldn't stop the tears that quickly flooded her face. Carlos filled her thoughts, sweetheart; he'd call her.

 _Don't worry, sweetheart. I know you want this as much as I do._

 _On your knees, sweetheart._

 _I'm glad you finally learned your lesson, sweetheart.._

 _You deserve pain my sweetheart._

 _Going somewhere, sweetheart?_

"Erin, please talk to me." she heard her mother say softly.  
"I'm fine, Bunny." she lied. She didn't realise her hands were shaking so tremendously until she brought them higher to wipe the tears and snot off her face.

"Leave." she pleaded softly.  
"No. I'm not leaving you here all by yourself!"  
"Just go." she raised her eyes to lock with her mother's now glossy one's.  
"Look at you! You're a mess!"

"Get out!"  
"Erin, I'm your mother. I have the rights-"  
"GET OUT!"  
Bunny stood up and stared. Her eyes; wide in fear of what had taken over her daughter. She knew something terribly bad had happened to her but didn't know what. There is no stronger bond than a mother and her daughter. And the pain that she felt right now couldn't be any more true. Even though her love may not be shown as frequent as other parents, god knows she truly loves her children.

Stubborn.  
She was just simply so utterly stubborn that she couldn't even accept the wrongs she've put her children through over the years.

Neglecting her children.

Choosing drugs over her own flesh.

Choosing strangers over her own blood.

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Erin screamed on the top of her lungs as her tears were hysterical.

Bunny have failed as mother and deserved all Erin's nasty words towards her. But as much as she wanted to change the past, she couldn't.

"Please let me help you."

"I SAID GET OUT!" she screamed, looking for the closet thing to fling at her mother. Grabbing the magazines on the coffee table, she aimed it at Bunny. Smacking her right on the head.

* * *

Erin was never the one to clean. In fact, she hated cleaning. She hated doing chores so much that she would do anything just to get out of doing dishes, laundry, mopping, sweeping, etc.  
Right now as she was frantically scrubbing and focusing on one tiny spot on the already sparkling kitchen counter like a mad woman, she can't help but feel relaxed.

Peace and quiet. Away from her thoughts. Away from Bunny. Her brain was preoccupied, it was the one and only times she wouldn't slip into hell.

Once she was satisfied, she pulled off her rubber gloves and face mask, taking in the sweet smell of bleach and other cleaning supplies. She was delighted with her handy work but knew that satisfaction and content only lasts for so long.

Her stomach growled, screaming at her to be fed. Spending the last six hours cleaning since Bunny left, she completely lost track of time and it was now a little over two o'clock.

A sudden knock to the door had her drop the box of cereal she had grabbed from the shelf, spilling the chocolate puffs onto the floor. Her heart stopped and she froze.  
"Who, who is it?" she said in near silence. The knocking didn't sound like Bunny's.

The knocking continued and she grabbed a knife from the rack. Clearing her throat, she seemingly gathered the courage to speak up louder. "Who is it?"

"Oh, its me. Kim!"

She crept closer, peeping through the peephole at the door. Having to make sure that it was actually her best friend since with technologies these days, one can never be too careful.

Taking a deep breath, she unbolt all the locks on the door before springing it open to be greeted with a huge smile from her best friend. The enormity of her smile warming her heart and she returned with a smile just as big. She really was happy to see her.

"Hey." Kim cheered, holding a bag of takeout on one hand and a six pack on the other.  
"Hey. Come in." she gestured her in, helping her with the takeout as they both headed for the living room. Wondering what Kim was doing here at the middle of her shift, there can only be one explanation.

Kim followed her lead. The pungent odour of cleaning supplies went straight to her brain the moment she step foot into the house. Amazed by the absolute cleanliness, she was impressed since Erin have always been the 'messy' one amongst the Unit.

"May be we should open a few windows. Yeah?" she turned to Erin for clarity.  
There was a millisecond of hesitation, opening the windows can be a risk but so as inhaling all the chemicals. Now that she had company, it didn't seemed too bad of an idea.

"Ok. Yeah, go ahead."

Erin grabbed a few plates from the shelf and set them on the coffee table at the living room as Kim let the fresh air in. Within seconds, the icy wind filled the house.

"So you're gonna tell me what you're really doing here?" she smirked.  
"I was thinking we could go out. You know...like a girls day out. Whatever you want. Mani-pedi, spa resort, Navy Pier, Six Flags, whatever. I'll even ride that scary ride with you." Kim said, taking a seat on the sofa. She was terrified of those kind of rides-sharp turns, sudden drops and high speed, but for her best friend, just to see her happy again, she would go for it.

Erin laughed and arched her brow, her hand on her hip, "Voight sent you to babysit, didn't he?" she placed the plates on the table before sitting across from Kim, just like how it would go on in an interrogation room.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, her eyes widen. "What? No! Of course not!" Kim laughed nervously.  
"Ok. Then what are you doing here in the middle of the day when you should be on shift."

"Ok. Fine." she gave up, "Voight gave me the day off." Kim confessed.  
Although Voight specifically told her not to mention him at all for he knows Erin will be furious, she just couldn't lie to her. She's the only person that she simply couldn't lie to and she doesn't know why.  
"He gave me his card." she pulled out his credit card that he had lend her to spend on whatever she and Erin wanted.

All that Voight wants was for Erin to be happy, to go back to the woman she was a month ago, before everything got so complicated. He have tried his hardest to give her that over the past month but it didn't seem to be working. After suggesting on speaking to a therapist, she had thrown a huge fit. Adamant that it wouldn't make a difference. Adamant that she will never be opening up to a complete stranger who will be paid a lump some just to hear her whine about her life.

"I don't really feel like going out if that's ok with you."  
Just then her phone rang and she hit decline.  
"Yeah. No. Sure. Of course. Whatever you want. We'll just watch a movie or something..." Kim said, "Oh if that's ok with you." she added.  
"Yes, it is Kim. It is."

"What does Bunny want from you?" Kim asked.  
"Oh nothing. Bunny's...being Bunny." she shrugged. Feeling horrible for hitting her mother like that, she probably had to talk her sooner or later.

There was a lengthy silence as they both dig into their food.  
"You need to talk about it, Erin..." Kim said, fidgety with her hands on her lap. "You can't just keep it all bottled up. You'll drive yourself insane."  
From the looks of Erin, dark circles, pasty complexion, dry skin, it'll only be a matter of time before she has a nervous breakdown.

"No..." Erin shook her head, "Not you too." Throwing her a disgusted look. Out of everyone, she would've expected her best friend to understand.

Kim looked at her with tears in her eyes. Tears that she had fought hard not to cry. "Please talk to me, Erin."

"And say what, huh? What do you want me to say? You already know! You already know! What's more to say?!" At this point, she was screaming at her and she shouldn't be since she knew Kim had her best interest at heart.

"I wanna know how you feel, Erin! I love you! I care about you! You're my friend for crying out loud! You've been there for me. Always. And now I'm here for you now."

Throwing her hands in the air in surrender, "Fine! You wanna know how I feel..." she cried.  
"I feel...shitty. Every day...since...I wake up asking myself the same question...'why am I still breathing?'...I wish that you all would've just left me there...I mean I really thought that I wanted to came back home..." using the back of her hand, she wiped off the tears that had now felt her face soaked.  
"...And now that I am home...I just really don't want to be here anymore...I don't have the will to keep going anymore..."

"Oh honey!" Kim exclaimed, wrapping her arms around her fragile friend.  
Kim made an effort to wipe her tears but they kept on coming, "Don't. Please don't..." she shook her head. She can't even fathom the idea of losing Erin. "Don't. You can't leave us, Intelligence, your job, me! I, I...No! You can't do that to Jay or Voight!" Shock was now replaced by anger. Angry that the thought of ending her life had even crossed her mind.

Only when Kim goes through the same ordeal as Erin did will she understand why she felt the way she did. As guilty as Kim felt, she

prayed to God, she would never have to go through that.

"I know." she whispered, "What am I going to do?" Erin hang her head in defeat. "Hey, look at me." Kim rubbed her shoulders as she knelt in front of her.

"We'll do this together."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

That night after a long teary heart-to-heart with her friend, she felt vulnerable and fragile all over again. She had finally opened up and took a step forward to moving on. Tears; lots of them had been shed. They both cried and cried until they couldn't.

Right now as she began scrubbing herself raw against the scalding hot shower, her shame had taken over her body. Engrossed; she scrubbed and scrubbed, only satisfied when bright red pumps of blood began to form.  
She hadn't exactly told Kim the entire truth as she, herself, couldn't bring herself to reveal how her body had betrayed her that night. Remembering it so vividly, she can still practically feel him in between her thighs.

"What if he was right? What if I did enjoyed it?"  
She was certain that there was something very wrong with her that night, she had tried, God knows she had tried her hardest to stop the sensations from erupting but in the end she failed.

"You're a slut!"  
She rammed her fists against the wall fiercely. Kicking and screaming. The water from the above shower head muffled her pained wails. She didn't care that Voight was right outside or that he could hear her. She needed to scream the pain away.

"Why me?"  
She bawled, unable to stop the salty tears from falling down her cheeks. Rampant thoughts running in her head until she gave up. Sinking to the floor of the shower, she allowed the voices in her head eat away at her. Arms wrapped around her knees, her mind once again took her back to the night her body did the unthinkable.

.

 _That night, the night she had tried to jump off the window was the worst mistake she've ever made in her entire life. Stupidity had taken over her and she took a gamble, resulting in a night of never ending torture._  
 _Punishments after punishments. Rapes after rapes._  
 _Until she passed out._  
 _Every bruise and every cut was the result of her own actions and she knew it._

 _She staggered into the adjoining bathroom, vomiting every last bit of him that he had forced her to swallow._

 _"Well, that's hurtful, sweetheart." he pouted, pulling up his pants as he stood by the doorway and watched her weave violently into the toilet._  
 _"Come on. We're not done just yet."_

 _Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she looked up at him with absolute hate and terror in her eyes. They've been going at it all night, rounds after rounds and she was now extremely depleted. Wondering how he still has the energy to keep going._  
 _"What? Can we please stop?"_

 _Within seconds, Carlos had already grabbed fistfuls of her hair and dragged her back to the bedroom. Propping her on her knees once again, he began trying to shove himself at her but she was adamant._  
 _"No!" she turned her face away and struggled to push him off._

 _Completely taken off guard by the sudden sting to her face, she cried out. He had slapped her so hard that she literally saw stars as she fell to the floor._  
 _"What was that?" he asked as he pulled her to her feet by her neck._  
 _"I said n-"_  
 _He smacked her harder this time, slamming her to a nearby wall. Her breath was knocked right out of her lungs._  
 _"You don't wanna play this game with me, sweetheart."_

 _She staggered to her feet again and wiped the blood drooping from her mouth. Her head was spinning, causing her to loose her balance and stumble to the floor._  
 _"You can beat me to death...I don't care. But if you put that thing near my mouth again...I will castrate you with my teeth."_

 _He looked down at her, his smile saying that he was amused by her blatant threat but the look he saw in her eyes send the tiniest amount of fear down his spine._  
 _"Whoa! Calm down, chica!" he chuckled. "Don't have to be so rude about it." he said before kicking her hard on the stomach._  
 _"Don't flatter yourself. It wasn't even that great." he delivered a few more kicked before throwing her back onto the bed._

 _She responded by spitting at him on the face. Shooting spittle right in his left eye._  
 _He grind against her all the while nipping down her neck and torso. Allowing her to enjoy the slow torture as she squirmed under him._

 _"I'll give you that, sweetheart. That wasn't nice of me." he said sweetly, gently kissing her hair._  
 _"I must've hurt your feelings. Sooooo...truce?"_

 _Now all she had to do was not provoke him. Angel Carlos was less afflictive and more bearable than devil Carlos. She'd better take her chances with an angel._

 _"Truce..." she turned her head to escape his kiss. But he grabbed her jaw anyway and painfully held her still while he greedily kissed her. She groaned in protest as he rubbed her in between but quickly realised she was trapped no matter what. Instead, she fought every urge to scream at his intrusion._

 _"Front door or back door?"_

 _She gasped, understanding what he'd meant._

 _Silence._

 _She couldn't give him an answer._

 _She didn't want to._

 _"Offer ends in 10 seconds, sweetheart. Then it's up to me. And you know I'm doing all three."_  
 _"Carlos no..." she cried barely above a whisper, pleading at him._  
 _"I'm not gonna hurt you." he trailed his fingers over her stomach. Goosebumps erupted on her skin._

 _"...5...4..."_

 _Crying hysterically, her mind was raising as she breathed in deep gasps._

 _"...3...2..."_

 _She knew doesn't have a choice._

 _"Front." she sobbed. Not wanting any of it._

 _"Good answer." he leaned over, kissing her hard on the lips. His hot breath tickling down her throat. Her heart dropped, bracing herself as he climbed on top of her, settling himself between her heavily bruised thighs._

 _She was hardly able to catch her breath when he tore into her dry with powerful thrusts. All she could do was bite her lips to keep herself from screaming in pain so as to not give him any chance to gloat._

 _Fighting back tears that welled in her eyes, she felt her body responding to his every touch. She didn't know what was happening. She didn't understand what her body was trying to do. His thumb; gentle and tender, just like Jay's._

 _"Stop...Stop...Stop." she could barely speak. She refused to give into the pleasure. But it wasn't doing any good since the pressure between her legs was only getting deeper._

 _"Carlos..."_

 _When he heard her moan softly, he laughed maniacally and plowed himself inside harder._

 _Looking at him with her shaking body beneath him, she ran her hands over his muscles, feeling the bumps of his tattoos underneath the pads of her fingers. She wanted him to stop but a part of her, the sick part of her, wanted him to keep going._

 _"Oh God..." she cried through a hitched breath. Her body trembled as she clutched the sheets, feeling herself explode._

 _Not able to fathom what had just happened, she prayed for her life to end right then and there. Wanting nothing more than to eat her gun. If only she had it._

 _She just got off on being raped. She couldn't understand how or why that even happened. Even though she knew it was her body's natural physical response, it didn't matter; her body had just committed the ultimate betrayal._

 _._

"Erin! You open this door right now!"

She was snapped back to reality by Voight's gravelly voice and the pounding of the bathroom door.

"ERIN!" he warned.

Quickly, she got up from her position by the corner and turned off the water. Realising then that she was probably in there for too long since the water was now freezing cold.

"Erin! If you don't get outta there in a count of three!" he banged the fragile door. Never did he thought he'd be using that sentence again until hearing what sounded like screams coming from the bathroom.

"What?!" she snapped, finally opening the door. Judging by her bloodshot and puffy eyes and how she couldn't meet his gaze, he can tell that she've been crying again and that broke his heart.  
Crying was something she've been doing a lot quite lately and he still didn't know what to do.  
How can he help her when she doesn't even want his help?

Even if he did finally catch Carlos, it wouldn't make a difference. She'll never be the same.

"What's going on, Erin?" he asked, taking a peek inside the bathroom.  
"Nothing!" she shrugged, still not looking at him as she pushed pass him.

Over the last month, ever since she moved in, his water bill had quadrupled. Rendering him bankrupt. He wondered what must she be doing to have taken so much showers. Showers during all hours of the day and night.

Was she hurting herself in there?

The thought of his daughter, his only family, taking her own life have never stopped looping in his brain. He was so terrified of her thinking that suicide was her only path to normal. And now that Kim had confirmed he's suspicions, he's going to give her the help she needs.

"I've booked you a session with Dr. Thorne." he said. Immediately, she halted in her tracks, not believing her ears.

'Therapy?' She knew this day was coming.

"It's just for an hour, 3 times a week. There's no pushing your way around it, Erin. You need it. And if you wanna get back to work, you need to start getting better. You have to understand, I only want what's best for you, kiddo."

"Whatever." she mumbled, too tired to start a whole new argument with him in which she knows is a waste of both their time and effort. So instead, she quickly hurried up the stairs to her room in lightning speed before slamming her door as loud as she could to let him know how furious she was.

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Thanks so much for reading! Leave a review and let me know your thoughts!**_


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

She shook her head, silently watching Jay's frozen features. The body that was once full of life, full of love and full of happiness, the body that holds the man she truly loves without an ounce of doubt, was now almost unrecognisable.  
"I wish you'd wake up, Jay."  
Carefully she caressed Jay's auburn hair, happy that it's finally growing.

She paused. Seemingly waiting for an answer. But the only answers Erin got was the sound of machines and monitors beeping.

"I hope you'll wake up soon, Jay. I feel like I'm losing my mind without you. Who am I kidding?!...I'm on a one way ticket to la la land." she chuckled. She enjoyed her 'normal' conversations with Jay even though he'd never really answer her. One might think she really is going crazy for talking to a person who's clearly frozen. She would too.

"Oh yeah! Voight's making me see a shrink. She's alright. I mean I don't know if it's working. No. Scratch that, I know it's not working." she said for a matter of fact.  
"Yeah, it's my fault. I haven't even said a word to her...Yeah really. Not even a hello. And I'm already on my second session. I feel bad though. I probably should at least say good morning. What do you think?" she sighed.

"Her name's Emily Thorne by the way. Real pretty. A little too pretty for a therapist if you know what I mean. That's why you're not allowed anywhere near her office." she laughed until her laughter faded into tears.

Running her fingers on his neatly stitched wound, she knew one day, if he wakes up, they'll be laughing about this. They'll laugh and kiss and hug and joke and grow old together. All of this will be a thing of the past. A distant memory. He'll be better. She'll be better. They'll all be better. The scars will just be another decoration on his beautiful body.

"I don't know where you are. I don't know what you're thinking." she ran her fingers gently down his face. "But whatever it is, I hope you're happy and wherever you are, I hope you're at a good place."

 _As I gaze out to the dark sky, I am certain it is time now. Sneaking out to the garden and having to hold her and touch her is what I have longed for all day. I smooth out my auburn curls with my callous fingers for I shall at the very least look presentable to my princess. I skipped out of the servants' quarters in glee. I cannot release myself from the reverie of the princess. Her beauty is forever painted in my mind._

 _Princess Erin of Apulia._

 _The last four months working for the royal family have been bittersweet. I still am not the least bit pleased to be at their service but what on earth am I suppose to do?_

 _They paid for my price hence, I shan't disobey for I am only a poor slave._

 _Admittedly, the palace is not too bad, I am quite fond of it as I get to see Erin most days and almost every night._

 _She and I have been courting in secret for months. She loves me she said and I too am in love with her so deeply. So so deeply. But I am frightened for us for we can never be. A poor peasant and a rich princess can never be. Indeed, she is why I can breath, speak and think. Without her, I am no man. Just a worthless slave._

 _I smiled at the revelation, she is already waiting for me._  
 _"Erin." I whisper, running over to her._  
 _"My Jay."_  
 _Laughing in pure joy, I see her eyes light up at my presence._  
 _I hug her tightly, picking her up and spinning her around before planting a kiss to her cheek._

 _"I've missed you." I say sincerely._

 _She blushes._

 _I place my callous hand on her waist, bending down to kiss her lips. She stands on her tiptoes and hold onto my shoulders for I am too tall for her._  
 _"I've never realised how small you are until now." I chuckle._  
 _Her face scrunches, I see that she is hurt by my remark. She slaps my broad chest._  
 _"Well, you're a giant. I'm not too small." she scowls._  
 _"I'm only teasing, love. You're dainty like a beautiful ruby rose." I whisper into her ear. I cup her cheek with one hand, sliding my other hand down her waist._

 _Oh how strongly I have craved her all day!_

 _Her soft lips is on mine and I must say I now am a content man. I have everything a man needs._

 _She tilts her head sideways, running her hands up my woollen rugs. I relish in stroking the small of her back while she kisses me back fiercely._

 _"What's your name?" she gasps in my mouth._

 _My kisses must have been too much for her!_

 _I laugh as the question was certainly quite silly. "You know my name, love."_  
 _"Your full name."_  
 _"Oh! Jacob Cillian Halstead. I prefer Jay. Short. Just 3 letters." I smile._

 _Why the interest in my name?_

 _"Jacob Cillian Halstead." she states in a whisper. "What a lovely last name...Halstead..."_  
 _"Yes, it is Irish. But I haven't been called Halstead in many many years. What's yours?"_

 _"Erin Sophia Anna Lindsay."_

 _"A beautiful name for a beautiful princess." I said and kissed her again, long and hard. Her thin fingers wrapped in mine._

 _"I wouldn't mind being a Halstead. Erin Sophia Anna Lindsay Halstead. I love it!"_

 _"It sure does have a nice ring to it."_

 _If I could I would make her my wife today. I would make her the happiest girl in the entire kingdom. It hurts me terribly to know that I can never really call her mine. She may be mine in secret but what happens when a dashing prince asks for her hand in marriage?_

 _I know she will never be mine but I will love her and will never stop loving her till the day I die._

 _"I love you so much. I want the world to know."_

 _I turn to her the sound of her voice cracking. "So do I."_

 _"But that cannot be...not ever."_

 _"I know...but I promise that all will be okay."_

 _She holds me tighter and cries onto my chest while I hold back my tears._

 _Why can't life be simpler? A life where the rich and the poor can coexist._

 _"Erin..." I whisper, "What is to happen if your family finds out?"_

 _I am most curious for I have never heard stories of royalty falling deeply for the poor. Perhaps that's because..._

 _"It is...a death sentence for you, Jay. And I will most definitely be thrown in the dungeon..." she croaks and we fall silent._

 _"You have to know how much I love you, Princess. I love you so deeply."_

 _"I know. All I dream for is to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Jay Halstead."_

 _._

 _I see the princess hop off her white horse. She ran pass the crowd that had gathered around to watch my execution. Her hair neatly braided, her sky blue silk dress; crisp and glistening. Even as she sprints in the scorching heat, even in the darkest of days, she still looks so elegant. Every move, every step, every strand of hair, perfect and poised._

 _"STOP! FATHER PLEASE!" I hear her beg._

 _I scream out a terrible scream as the whip lashes against my bloody skin. There wasn't much I could do but endure the terrible pain for it will not be long before I take my last breath._

 _I have been sentenced to death. Last night to our unknowing, someone have seen us in the garden and have mistaken it as I, forcing myself upon the princess._

 _I am now deemed a lowlife criminal but I am not. I would never hurt a woman let alone my love. I am just a poor boy, barely even 20. I do not want to die for a crime I did not commit. But who would listen to a slave?_

 _I see the guards grabbing my princess, stopping her from going any further. I squirm against my restrains. My wrists are bound together. So are my feet. My neck is tied to a rope, attached to the ceiling of the wooden post. Once the floor beneath my feet collapses so will I. Snapping my neck instantly._

 _As the executioner walk up a few steps to the post, the crowd cheer on even louder. Excited to witness a bloody murder._

 _"STOP! STOP! FATHER! NO! FATHER! I...I LOVE HIM!"_

 _Almost instantly, an audible gasp is heard. The crowd's eyes were as huge as the sun. They looked at each other for confirmation. I am shocked beyond belief to hear those words for now she too is dead._

 _'You shouldn't have came, my love.'_

 _"Father, I lo-"_

 _That was when I heard the most loudest thud. A slap echoed through the whole kingdom._

 _Her own father had slapped her on the face and she fell limp to the dirt ground. She had just disgraced the family name for me._

 _Every bone in me wants to protect her but I..._

Suddenly the monitors in the hospital room crackle alive. The alarm blaring at doctors and nurses; telling them that one of their patient's life was on the verge of death.

His hand that Erin was holding fall to his side and his body began convulsing.

Almost immediately, a team of doctors and nurses rushed in. She jumped from her chair and her heart started to raced in her chest.  
"What's going on?" Erin shouted, demanding an answer.

All she could see were doctors and nurses running around, yelling out medical jargons that she cannot understand.

"Ativan 4 mg."

"Phenytoin 10mg."

"He's not breathing!"

"Nurse! What's she still doing here? Get her out!" a doctor ordered.  
"Come with me, hun." a nurse stepped aside and dragged her out into the hall.  
She watched helplessly as the team desperately tried to stop him from seizing.

"Jay..." she cried, collapsing against the wall and sinking to the floor as her legs gave up on her. Her body shook in heart wrenching sobs. Nothing else mattered at this point, she didn't care of the dozen pairs of eyes at her; staring at her as if she was crazy, she didn't care what they must be thinking. She just wanted all her sorrow to end.

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Another chapter! I know, I know! I don't want him gone but...Thanks so much for reading!**_


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

"It's not your fault, Erin."

For the past sessions, Dr. Emily Thorne have been trying to pedal that massage to her. Trying to convince her that the fallout was definitely not her doing. It was simply faith.  
But then again, the therapist couldn't even tell her whose fault it was. No one could. Not Voight. Not the doctors. Not anyone.

According to Dr. Thorne, Erin was on the brink of a psychological breakdown and still is. At anytime she could have an 'episode'. A slightest trigger could take her to the end of her sanity. But what nobody could understand was that guilt was what's consuming her. Guilt was eating her alive. Leaving her both mentally and physically exhausted at the end of each day. Rendering her incompetent.

"Erin, you need to believe that none of this is your fault. No one is blaming you. So you have to stop blaming yourself. And I don't just mean Jay. You have been through a traumatic event and after such an event, it is often that _victims_ will be burdened by guilt. But there is nothing you could have done." Dr. Thorne tried explaining her yet again.

Erin rolled her eyes. Her doctors' words were infuriating. Saying words as if she knew what it was like. Dr. Thorne hadn't got the slightest idea on how it felt to be violated and tortured for days. She wasn't there. She didn't experience it. She didn't know how it felt. She don't even understand that Erin don't just think it's all her fault, she knows. All of her indecisiveness and actions had made things play out the way it did. And she was sick and tired of her trying to convince her otherwise.

"You don't know that."

"Ok then. Explain to me how this is all your fault?" she probed.

"No. You know why! I've already told you about a dozen times!" Erin shouted, standing from her seat immediately in a burst of emotions. Causing the heavy chair to collapse backwards.

She doesn't know what's gotten into her lately, it could be the effects of the anti-anxiety and antidepressants, but she would have these unbearable sporadic mood swings, sudden bursts of highs and lows. One minute she's a perfect princess, the next she's shrek.

"Erin. Calm down. Remember the breathing exercise?" the therapist said calmly. Trying to calm her patient from her outburst.

"...inhale...exhale..."

"Good. Now why don't you sit back down?" she said before scribbling something down on her binder.  
"Sorry." Erin said, embarrassed that she was acting like a five year old throwing a tantrum.

"How are you sleeping? You said you've only been getting two to three hours a night."

She nodded. Other than the crazy outbursts, she've been feeling like a zombie lately. Most of the day, she'd be home and alone, busy in her head. And most of those times, there wasn't even anything up there. She'd just be staring into space and emptiness. All she wanted was to sleep for eternity but even sleeping was a chore. She've been so anxious every second of the day and that's all too exhausting for her. Too much adrenaline in her system that's causing her to be restless.

"I..ah..I'd like to stop taking the sleeping pills, Prazosin, you have me on." she replied and Dr. Thorne just nodded, waiting for Erin to continue explaining.  
"I don't think it's working. I mean; it is working, I have been sleeping but it's making the nightmares even worse. They've become more vivid. And lately I've been having trouble distinguishing between dreams and reality." she rested her head on her hand, too exhausted to hold her head up.  
"Sometimes I can't even tell if I'm awake or not. And when I am pretty sure I'm awake, I...I see him. He'll been standing in front of me, smirking. And when I blink, he's gone."

Even with the anti-anxiety medication, she still was so stressed out. If not even more. She've been crazy terrified every second of the day that Carlos will come for her since he's still out there.

"Hallucinations could be a side effect of lack of sleep. But I'd like to switch you to another medication. You have to understand that not all medications work for everyone. It may work for him or her but not you and it's ok." she explained. Nodding, Erin couldn't care less what the doctor prescribes her, all she wants was to sleep peacefully for once.

Not only was her life disrupted, Voight's as well. Due to her horrid dreams and recollections, she was waking him up at all hours of the night. Most of the time, at the end, he'd have to plop a mattress right by her bedside.

Dr. Thorne scribbled on her notepad once again. "Read this aloud."

"Ah...umm...' _this is not a dream_ '." she stuttered, confused on what the doctor was trying to say.

"Good." she said with a kind smile in her face. "Did you know that in dreams, reading can be difficult? You might see letters and numbers. But they will look morphed into something else. They wouldn't make sense to you. Now how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Seven."

"In a dream state, you probably won't look like the real you. The reflection you see will often be blurry or distorted. So whenever you're in doubt of reality, I want you to read something or count your fingers. If all is well, you're awake."

* * *

She never saw it coming.

Not when she invited him, a complete stranger, to her apartment that night.  
Not when he randomly came up to her and introduced himself at the bar.  
Not when he insisted that he'd get the cheque.  
Not when he held the cab out for her.  
Not when he insisted they get a little more adventurous for a role play.  
Not when he called her Erin.

How can she deny such a perfect gentleman?  
How can she say no to him with his innocent hazel soul staring back at her?

Even when he had his grip on her neck, she still never saw it coming. Not until it was too late.

The cool metallic blade of a knife had already pierced through her skin on her neck, hitting an artery. A tenth of a second later, she was gurgling blood, screaming bloody murder.

Now, watching from the clouds above, her lifeless body being dragged onto what was her California king bed by two men, one being the guy she brought home from the bar, the other was a moustached elder, she cursed at herself for being so naïve. She should've listened to her momma to never bring strangers into her crib.

How can she be so utterly dumb?

"No! Oh hell no! Nah-ah! What the hell do y'all think you're doing?!" she shouted as the men started to put a brunette wig on top of her own natural blonde hair.

"Somebody! Do somethin'!"

Who cares about the bloody mess and the state the she was in!

She didn't want anyone finding her in such colour.

Just then, she remembered that she was forever frozen in time and there wasn't anything she could do but watch. Watch them as they continued to violate and stage her to their liking.

Maybe that's what she got for cheating on her boyfriend.

* * *

"Kim. Kimmy. Yoohoo!"

Snapping her head up, Kim went back to reality, her mind had wondered off. She came face-to-face with her best friend, Erin, who just happened to have that same pitiful look in her eyes. A look that haven't disappeared ever since she came back home to Chicago. It didn't matter how long it'll take for her to recuperate, days, months or years, that look in her eyes will forever be embedded. A horrific reminder of a horrific time in her life.

"I'm so sorry, Erin." she apologised while giving her the best fake smile.

"You sure you don't want anything else?" she stirred the spoon in her cup of coffee. Kim hated worrying her friend with her insignificant problems especially when she had a lot more on her plate.

"You're changing the subject, Kim." Erin said blatantly and arched a brow.

"No, I'm not. I just feel bad. You're just having that glass of water."

Erin shrugged. "I just don't feel like it. I've just been a little queasy lately. I don't know if it's the transition from one medication to another, or I'm just coming down with a stomach flu. I don't know."

Food, even the slightest sight or aroma, have not been on her side lately. She doesn't know why she just couldn't keep anything down.

Dr. Thorne have explained that even when slowly weaning off from Prazosin, she'd still suffer through mild withdrawal-like symptoms. But then again, she doesn't know what it was but for the past few weeks, it seems like she've been in a rut. A different kind of rut. Not the kind that she had curled herself in initially. Mentally, she was getting there. Physically; that's a whole another story. Her whole body, mainly her back, was in constant pain. With her appetite, she's lucky that she still had the energy to function.

"Where do you keep disappearing to?" Erin asked.

"Nowhere."

"Cmon. You're a terrible liar." Erin grinned as she sat on the booth, at a diner, beside her. "On the other hand, I'm a good listener. So I've been told." she gloated.

"There's nothing to talk about."

The past week, Erin have been doing much better.  
A month ago, she was a totally different person. Voight forcing her to see a therapist really worked out for the better. She was smiling again, going out again and talking again. Everyone was just glad that she was leaving the past in the past.

"Oh c'mon. Don't be such a hypocrite. You gave me this whole speech about how I'll drive myself to a mental asylum if i don't vomit my feelings out. Now shoot, your turn."

"Fine."

 _"Hey!" her face light up the moment she walked into the locker room, seeing him there by his locker. She smiled softly, surprised by her over enthusiastic reaction._

 _"Hey."_

 _Awkward silence filled the room as they both desperately tried to convince themselves that it really wasn't. Lingering desire surfeited the air. The unexpected hook up they've had had left unspoken._

 _"You meeting up with Erin today?" Adam said as she moved towards her locker, her eyes lingering on his bare chest._

 _"Umm...yeah." she responded, opening her locker to get changed into her plain clothes. After a long and tiresome night of busting the streets of Chicago, she was now ready for some downtime._

 _"Kim?"_

 _She peeked her head out from behind her locker to see him kneeling on one knee._  
 _"Adam..." she whispered. Her face fell flat and pale. She was speechless, her brain couldn't wraparound what he's about to do._

 _"Kim, these last few months have been difficult for the both of us. Especially me. And that made me realise how miserable I've been without you. With everything that's happened...life's too short to be dwelling in the past. Life's too precious to just waste away without you, Kim...I need you. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world. You're my life. My everything. I'm so lost without you. So Kimberly Bur-"_

 _"Adam, stop. Please...stop." she reached out to pull him to his feet. Kim didn't fail to note that his face was now in the brightest shade of red. She couldn't tell whether that was in anger or embarrassment._

 _"I love you Adam. You know I always will...But..." she paused. Glueing her eyes to the stain on the ground, she never, not once, even dare to look him in the eyes._

 _"But what?"_  
 _He just ran his hand through his hair and exhaled in frustration._

 _"But you're not ready for marriage. I don't think..." she now allowed the tears that welled in her eyes to fall freely from her eyes. "I just don't think you're ready."_

 _Adam, who was completely taken aback, paced back and forth around the aisle of the room. How dare she said that he wasn't ready. He was the one who popped the question. Not once but twice._

 _"Don't put words in my mouth, Kim! You don't know what I'm ready for! You're the one who called off the wedding! I asked you to marry me! Of course I'm ready!"_

 _Kim glared at him. "I'm not having this argument here, Ruzek. Erin's waiting for me." she huffed, grabbing her things and stormed out of the locker room before giving him any chance to interject._

"What! Wait..." Erin truly wasn't expecting to be told that story. She was expecting more on the range of work or even Platt.

"The more pressing question here is when did you and wonder boy even got back together?"

* * *

The coffee came up into the back of his throat. Hank Voight swallowed hard, forcing the acidic bile back down. He was beyond shocked to see such sight.

With forty plus years of experience as an officer of the law, it sure as hell took a lot for Voight to be repulsed. But this crime scene was far from kempt. Despite his revulsion, his eyes were frozen on who was before him.

The victim laid on a crimson blanket of death on the gigantic bed, wearing nothing but a lacy camisole. The blood had seeped into the mattress and coagulated, resulting in a curdled, pudding like consistency. Next to it was another pool of blood, the bedroom floor was of porous ceramic and the blood had found its way to the grout lines and seeped through it like veins.

Arterial spray had splattered like backsplash. Displayed neatly like a work of an abstract painter who had fanned a load of brush against the canvas.

The M.E. was hunched over the brunette corpse. C.S.U were running around, cataloging all the evidence and collecting the shards of glass that were covered in blood.

"Looks like she's been cold for at least 12 hours. My estimation; between two to four this morning. She was raped, vaginally and anally. Wild sex have not been ruled out since other than the contusions in her inner thighs, there aren't any defensive bruising. I'll know for certain once I get back to the lab." the examiner informed the Unit as she logged the information into her tablet.

"ID?" Voight asked as he knelt down to get a closer look at the familiar body.

"The vic is Emma Bouchet. Thirty one. Lived here alone. Nothing out of the ordinary on her record. Worked as a manager at a restaurant on the West Side. Her boyfriend, Paul, found her. He's pretty shaken up. Officer Burgess is over there with him." she said and pointed in the direction of Kim.

The boyfriend had just burst out crying again and Kim, being the considerate individual that she is, gave him a shoulder to cry on.

That sight just drained the living out of Adam.  
"You okay man?" Kevin nudged Adam on the shoulder. He didn't fail to notice his buddy's pale expression and change in demeanour. He was surprised that there was even trouble in paradise. Thinking that everything was going smooth for the two.

"Any evidence of forced entry? Foul play?"  
The M.E. shook her head. "Other than that broken glass in the kitchen, clean as a whistle."

"Dawson, Al. Talk to the boyfriend. See if he knows who she had over." Voight instructed as his eyes went back to the corpse.

The victim was on her back, albeit slightly twisted. A large slash lined her neck and based on the angle and directionality of the laceration, her killer was right on top of her when he snatched the living out of her. A method of killing that was most definitely by a male.

"It looks like the cut went from right to left." Adam suggested. His gaze drifted to the backsplash and then the floor beneath the victim. He looked for any signs cast-off blood splatter that could have come from the weapon as the killer raised his arm.

"Yes. We're looking for a left handed killer. It's pretty safe to conclude the COD as exsanguination. Based on the amount of blood loss, her carotid artery was severed. She bled out instantaneously." the examiner continued by carefully turning the body over, handling it like it was some sort of ceramic doll. "She was definitely not killed here. As you can see, livor mortis have set in both dependant areas. Patters of livor mortis in non-dependent areas indicate the body has been moved after death. My guess he killed her right there," she pointed at the pool of blood a few feet away from the bed, "then staged her here 30 minutes later. Why? No idea. Oh and the killer left this too. No prints. No traces. He must've worn gloves."  
"Why would the killer leave a note?" wondered Atwater.  
"That's your job to find out detective."

 _'You miss me, sweetheart?'_

Normally, Voight didn't have an issue separating himself from crime scenes but this one, this crime scene was particularly odd. Maybe it was because she looked familiar. Maybe it was her bulging _forest green eyes_ or the hairstyle he'd practically had memorised.

Adam knelt down beside Voight, taking in her features as well. "Is it just me or does she looks oddly like Erin?"

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Thank you for reading! Another chapter is finally here! What do you think? Let me know your thoughts and review!**_


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

 _Eerie_.

She watched the rise and drop of his chest. His breathing remained typic. The eerie silence in the hospital room was too loud for her to contain herself anymore. The medication that she was on was working wonders for her. She was finally able to sleep through the night without so much as a stir. No nightmares. No flashbacks. No screaming. She was a functioning human being. Thanks to Zoloft. She don't know what or how she would have been able to function without those tiny pills.

Erin was grinning from ear to ear. A smile that was brighter than the sun. She can't wait to finally look into Jay's ocean blue eyes.

With Jay's condition now stabilised, the doctors have decided to slowly wean him out of his coma. The process was taking longer than she or the doctors had anticipated. Due to the sedatives, opiates and the head injury, there was a delay in him 'waking up'. A process that she would have to be patient with. After months in a deep slumber, he was finally taken off the ventilator and was moved out of the ICU. Now it was just a matter of him willing himself to wake up.

"I bumped into Platt this morning at the coffee shop." Erin curled up next to his body, her head against his chest. Everything that has happened, everything she've been through was in the past. She should've listened to her family and get help sooner. They had begged her to listen to them but she didn't. There's no point in dwelling in the past. The present is what she should've focused on.

Her future with Jay.

"She misses you...I know! I can't believe it too. She said it's not the same without you. Well, I can attest to that...It really hasn't."

Every now and then, she'd lightly squeeze his hands and she swore he had responded every time. She'd call for the doctors, only be disappointed each time.

"Jay..." she whispered, "It's been so long. Can you just please open those eyes for me? Please…" she squeezed his hands, hoping for a reaction.

No response.

She sighed. Having her hopes beaten down every single time previously, she very much expected to be disappointed. "You're just as stubborn as me!"

Just like that, out of the blue, when she least expect it, she felt a reaction against her hold. He clamped her hand. Tightly and firmly like he didn't want her leave.

"Jay...?"

When she looked right into his blues, all her senses heightened. A surge of uncontrollable happiness washed over her. She could feel the hair stand up on the back of her neck.

"Oh my god! You're awake! You're awake."

His eyelids fluttered before he slowly opened them.

"Jay..." she smiled at him, caressing his face. But his eyes were somewhat wandering, somewhat distant. An unknowing gaze glazed over his pupils. He was in a frenzy as he _looked_ around the unfamiliar surroundings.

"Hey. Hey. I'm here. It's ok. You're ok." she tried to calm him down, to snap him from his aggression.

"WHERE AM I?" he demanded. Confused, he continued to wrench her arms off him.

"Jay! Calm down! Please!"

Dr. Halstead was on his way to see another patient when the commotion in his brother's room caught his attention.

"WHERE AM I?" he yelled, finally yanking her off. He shoved her harshly by the shoulders. The lost in momentum had caused her to lose her footing, hitting her face on the edge of the hospital bed.

"Erin!" Will cried as he hurried to haul her from the ground.

"I'm ok. I'm good." she said dully as she got to her feet and brought her fingers to her bleeding nose.

They were both lost in what they were witnessing.

Confusion.

Guilt.

Regret.

Pain.

Sorrow.

Just when she thought she was in a better place.

 _"I CAN'T SEE!"_ Jay screamed.

He pulled the IV needles off his right arm then grab hold of the larger needle infusing into his right groin and the catheter draining his urine. Luckily, Will and the nurses sprinted to his aid and were able to stop him before he could yank any of them out.

"Relax Jay." Will soothed his distraught brother as Erin continued to stand far away in complete utter disbelief.

"WILL, WHAT'S HAPPENING?! ER! IS THAT YOU?"

* * *

 _ **Hey everyone! Another chapter done! Sorry if it's a bit too short. Just wanna finally tell you what's up with Jay! Hope you enjoyed reading! Let me know your thoughts and please review! Thanks!**_


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

Slowly, she pried her swollen eyes open. Pain; tremendous pain radiated through her throbbing skull, her left eye was sealed shut and her mouth was gagged. She struggled to move her arms and legs, only to realise that they were tied to the posts of the bed that she was lying on.

"Help!" she muffled through the cloth. Each agonising breath she took was all too much to keep her afloat.

The last thing she recalled was walking towards her silver Tesla at the parking lot in her office building. Remembering how she had craved for a relaxing bath after the day she had with her whiny patients. But in a split second, just like that, everything went blank.

Suddenly, the door flung open and a stream of bright light filled the room. A tall, dark figure stood in the middle of the doorway. Chills ran down her spine, she screamed but her body refused to make a sound. Tears ran down her face and her shoulders shook with each silent sob. She didn't want to die. Not today. Not like this.

"Oh finally! You're awake!"

Thrashing her tied arms and legs, she attempted to escape.

He laughed at the silliness of her actions. He knew she wouldn't stand a chance. Not with him. He can't wait to watch in glee as she took her dying breath.

"Don't worry, _sweetheart_." she felt the bed sank as he sat beside her, caressing her blonde locks.  
Shutting her eyes tightly, she felt the sharp tip of a knife against her throat.  
"Look at me, _Erin_!" he ordered. A sting was felt across her cheek and he climbed on top of her.

 _Erin?_

Her mind was scrambled into pieces. He must have mistaken her for someone else. _Erin_.

When she still didn't comply with his demand, he forcefully yanked her eyelids open with his large hands. "It won't be long now...Since you help people for a living...let _me_ return the favour..."

She kicked and screamed, begging her assailant to have mercy on her but to no avail. She was so absorbed in trying to get free that she didn't notice the knife he was now clutching in his hand after he took his time in violating her.

Instantly, he yanked her head back and drag the cool, sharp blade across her neck.

Right to left.

* * *

 _"I'm deeply sorry, Detective Halstead. Your eyesight will most likely never be restored."_

The echo of Dr. Scavo's, the on-call neurologist, voice still rang in Jay's ears. Nothing was a hundred percent but the blindness was still definitive. However, the doctors still sounded optimistic to him or they could've just been playing him for a fool.

 _"The increased pressure to your skull caused by the head injuries you've sustained seized the blood circulation to your optic nerves. This, as a result, stopped your brain from receiving messages from your eyes. In your case, Detective, it is so severe that it has led to complete blindness."_

From perfect eyesight to complete blindness. From 20/20 vision to rendered disabled. From an Army Ranger with highly proficient close quarters combat and a meticulous sniper to being visually impaired.

 _"The MRI shows irreparable damages to your optic nerve."_

It was nearly unlikely for a man to fully regain his sight after such accident. A false hope of twenty percent was what the doctors had explained. But that is only after undergoing countless, a dozen more, surgeries and that still isn't conclusive. Even then, death could still be the answer.

With that, he was now hit with a dilemma. He doesn't think putting his life on the line, yet again, would be worth it. The agony and pain that his family and friends would have to go through, the sleepless nights, the endless worry, he'd be selfish to put them in that position again.

 _"I'm deeply sorry but there isn't much we as medical professionals can do for you, Detective."_

Never did he shed a tear.

Not when he was told that he'd never see the world progress with his baby blues again.

Not when he was told that he'd have to learn how to walk again.

Not when he was told that he'd never be able to be a policeman again.

But with the thought of never seeing her beautiful face again, it hit a raw spot.

He was beyond terrified of losing her beauty from his memory. He wants her face to be etched in his brain for eternity.  
Right now, he feared that he was already starting to forget the casting shadows on her face.

Her caramel hair.

Her forest green eyes.

The crinkles by her eyes when she smiles.

The everlasting dimples on her cheeks.

"Who's there?" he was startled by the creaking of the door.

"Hey." Erin said. Remembering then that he couldn't actually see, "It's Erin." she quickly added, mentality kicking herself for her stupidity.

"Can I sit?" she asked as she approached his bedside. He nodded slightly before going back to staring at the wall. Remembering then again that it was nothingness, he was staring into. Darkness.

Ever since Jay had woken up, he have been distant. Quiet. He kept to himself. Even though his exterior seemed calm and collected, she knew he was just as freaked.

It has been ten days since he had woken up, ten days filled with tests and examinations, and he still haven't said much to her. He must be traumatised. She can't help but think that he was mad at her, blaming her. After all, she really did have a tiny contribution to his impairment.

"What are you doing here?"

"I miss you, Jay. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you...How are you, baby?" she lightly caressed his ever growing auburn curls.  
"I'm scared." he whispered. Realising then it was more so of an admission to himself than to her.

Tears started to run down his face and he furiously scrubbed them away, ashamed that they had spilled. There was no point in crying. Nothing was going to change. Ever.

This was fate.

His fate.

This is not fair.

Life is not fair.

This was not his fault.

Erin.

It was her to blame.

The telltale lump in her her throat was starting to form yet again and she forced herself to calm down. She had to stay strong even if she wanted nothing more than to impulsively scream and cry on the top of her lungs. Jay was going through a much tougher time than her.

"Don't be scared. I'm here." she wiped off the tear that had trickled down his cheek and was quickly jolted by the jerk of his head as he pulled away from her touch.

"Easy for you to say. You're not the one who's blind."

She understands his resentment towards her but no matter the circumstances, she will forever stand by his side. Forever and always. Whether he likes it or not.

"Jay, you have to know I'm sor-"

"No, you're not." he snapped at her, looking at her direction. The direction in which the sound of her voice was coming from.

Even though he was blind and there was a hollowness to his gaze, it still felt as if he was looking straight into her soul.

"I am! I _am_ sorry this is happening!" she couldn't help but cry as she begged for his forgiveness.

"Can you please leave _me_ alone, Erin?"

She froze. Pain; etched on her face. She knew he didn't mean it but his words hurt her nonetheless.

Her erratic breathing echoed in the clustered hospital room. Almost as if all his other four senses have heightened, now that he had lost one of them. Suddenly, annoyance crawled into his skin.

"Leave!"

Just as he heard the door shut, for the first time since he learned about his predicament, he was glad that he couldn't see her face since the pain he just caused her would be far more punishing.

* * *

The diner, across the hospital, was relatively quiet as she slid into a booth by the corner. Normally, at this time of day, she'd be at Dr. Thorne's office, impatiently waiting for her fifty minutes session.

God knows how badly she wanted to talk to her therapist but she couldn't since Dr. Thorne had called in sick this week. At least that's what she've been told by the receptionist for the past three days.

Nowhere else to be, she reluctantly agreed to lunch with her mother. She might as well get it over with. Besides, no one wanted to be around her anymore. She was a nuisance. A disturbance. A burden.

Jay sure as hell doesn't want her around.

He hates her.

She hates her.

Calling the waitress over, she ordered a double cheeseburger with pickles on the side, large thick cut fries and a large chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream.

She went from almost starving herself to death to chowing down almost anything in sight. Now that she was down and depressed, it was a perfect excuse to be eating her feelings.

 _12:23pm_

Doubt started to settle in as she waited for her deadbeat mother. Bunny wasn't going to show up, she didn't at her elementary school talent show nor did she showed up at her high school graduation, so how is today any different. It would be far more easier to deal with the disappointment since less hearts will be broken. And less tears will be shed.

Five minutes later, just as she took the last bit of her burger, the door chimed open and in walks Bunny. A smile light up her face as she spotted her daughter and made her way towards her.

"Erin!" she grinned, sliding into the seat opposite from her. "I see that you've started without me."

"Ugh! That smell!" Erin cried. She had caught a whiff of Bunny's perfume that suddenly didn't agree with her, making her insanely nauseous.

"It's called perfume, baby girl."

"You call that perfume. I call that skunk spray!" she pinched her nose together, keeping herself from throwing up.

"Stop being such a drama queen."

Ignoring her mother, Erin took a bite from her pickles, which somehow magically stopped the contents of her stomach from spilling.

"So how are you?"

Erin struggled to suppress the laughter that threaten to explode. The question sounded ridiculous to her, especially now that it was coming from Bunny. "Haha. Very funny. Now shoot, what do you want from me?"

She frowned. Looking visibly hurt. "How many times do I have to tell you that I do not want anything from you? I want to see you, my daughter. Especially after you freaked out."

Erin rolled her eyes. "First of all, I did not freak out. And second, you can keep convincing yourself that there isn't an ulterior motive for you showing up out of nowhere but I am never ever going to believe your crap."

"You can't carry on for the rest of your life blaming me, Erin!"

She felt her blood boil at the complete disregard for her wrongs as a mother. Bunny will never take responsibility for her lack of motherhood.  
"Wait! What! How can you even..." she choke out, her mind struggling to put her scrambled thoughts into words, "How can you even think whatever happened wasn't your fault?"

Only then was she aware of the pairs of eyes gawking at her, lowering her tone considerably so as to not bring further unwanted attention to themselves. "How many times did I have to skip school cuz you were too sick to function? How many times did you forced me to get your 'juice' from your dealer cuz you were too sick to even get out of bed? And tell me, how many of the men you brought home did not slap us around?"

"Erin!" Bunny warned. Her face turning crimson red with certainty that everyone were listening in on their argument.

Who wouldn't?  
It was like watching a telenovela.

"How many times do I have to bathe you cuz you passed out on your own vomit? I spent nights, school nights, awake making sure you wouldn't choke on your own puke! I was eleven! I was supposed to be focusing on school and hanging out with friends, not taking care of you! You're my mother, you're supposed to be caring for me! Not the other way around!"

Bunny was now aware of the dozen of pairs of eyes at her. All giving her nasty looks of shame and disgrace. "There's nothing to see here, folks. My daughter has a very wild imagination!" Bunny chuckled nervously then quickly turn back to Erin, "Are you planning to list out all of my failures?" she snapped.

Erin sighed loudly and was about to grab her things to leave when Bunny slammed her hand on the table, causing the hot sauce to topple over. "No! You sit your ass back down!"

"What do you want me to say? I know I've made mistakes! Yes! I'm a bad mother! I wasn't at the best place back then. I shouldn't have neglected you and your brother but there's nothing I can do now to change the past. I was wrong. So let's just put the past behind us." she smiled.

Never, not once, did she even thought to apologise.

Why can't she just say she's sorry?

She has no idea how much Erin wishes to just put everything behind her and move on. If it were only that simple, she would.

"There really isn't a point in talking to you, Bunny." she seethed and threw some money on the table. Making a beeline for the door just as Bunny called out after her.

"Dandelion! Wait!"

 _Dandelion_. A nickname given to her by her father because as a toddler, she would constantly munch on the tiny rosettes at the garden or hide them in her pockets for later. A time when life was simpler. A time that was once filled with joy and happiness. A time they were a happy family. But sadly, it was a time she was too young to remember.

She stopped on her tracks. Her head screamed at her to run as fast as she could but her heart, her weakness, told her to hear her mother out. She don't know why or how but she will always love Bunny, her mother.

"Please, Erin. Hear me out."

She sighed loudly. Rolling her eyes, she reluctantly dragged her feet back to the table. Standing by the foot, she looked down at her mother. How is it even after everything, Bunny still manages to make her feel guilty?

"I need your help."

A slap on the face.

It really shouldn't be as much of a shock but it did. She felt like she was hit by a tonne of bricks. Erin have given her the benefit of the doubt time after time to only be returned with regrets and disappointment.

"How much?"  
"It's bad." she said dully, shaking her head.

"Why do you keep doing this to me!" she shouted at her mother who couldn't even look her in the eyes anymore, "Just tell me how much it is this time."

"250..."

"I'll have the money transferred by today." Erin felt the weight of a billion people left her shoulders.

"No. 250K."

"TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!" she screamed yet again.

What on Earth has Bunny gotten herself into?  
Unless you're a millionaire, no one has that kind of cash lying around, ready to be given away.

"Hey! You two! Take it outside, will yah! You're disturbing the customers! We're tryna run a business here!"

Her head was spinning. "A quarter of a million dollars..."

It all happened too quickly. Too quickly for her to stop the impending panic.

A hot flash rushed through her entire body.

A tightness in her chest, leaving her breathless.

A rush sound blaring in her ears and her knees buckled.

A haze of black clouds pressed their way into her vision.

"Oh gosh! Erin! Someone! Call an ambulance!"

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! I'd love to know your thoughts so review! Thanks for reading!**_


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

They edged closer to the flashing blue and red police lights against the cold dark Chicago sky. Being it the middle of winter, roads were in icicles and so was the air as they strutted through the bleach-white snow in Lincoln Park. The freezing wind numbing their extremities.

The patrol officers greeted the group of detectives as they went through the bright yellow crime scene tape. Their over enthusiastic reaction suggests they were newbies. Fresh out of the Academy.

Forensics and CSU were already running around the cordoned area of the 1200 acres park, bagging up evidence and taking shots of the crime scene by the time they got there.

A homeless man had discovered her bare body, hidden behind bushes across the dumpster at the wee hours while scavenging for food. A sight that the killer was certain nobody will come across for some time.

"What we dealing with?" Dawson chattered. Rubbing his hands together before blowing them to keep his hands from congealing.

"Female. Jane Doe. Early thirties. Raped. Multiple contusions to her thighs, torso, face and the bruising and rope burns to her wrists suggests that she've been tied up. COD; exsanguination. However, the lack of blood at the scene concludes that this is a secondary crime scene. We have yet to identify the primary." the M.E. explained as she hollered for one of her technicians.  
"Oh and we might have a serial killer on our hands. The killer left this. Found it in her hands just like our first vic." a young tech handed Voight the bagged evidence that looked identical to the one found at the apartment of Emma Bouchet last week.  
"Same MO. But unlike the first vic, she did not go down without a fight. We managed to retrieve some scrapings from under her fingers which we can only hope are DNA. Fingers crossed there'll be a hit in our database."

 _'I miss you, sweetheart.'_

"Time of death?"

"That's difficult to determine. The lack of insect succession due to the cold weather slowed down decomp so I do not have the exact TOD but considering how long she've been this way factoring decomp, I'd say she was probably left out here within 24 hours of being killed."

"ID?" Voight asked as he pulled back the white sheet that covered the body. The white sheet that hindered the dead body out of respect and due to the openness, unobstructed, and potentially traumatising view. What he saw underneath the cloth shocked him beyond words. Turing him sickly pale yet again.

The first thing he was drawn to were the pair of lifeless emerald eyes that were bulging out of her sockets, against her forever frozen terrified expression. Her blue icy lips; ghastly parted in death. The ill fitted familiar hair on top of her own locks were marred with caked blood that had dried hours ago. A dark reddish line went across her neck.

"We'll run her prints through CODIS."

"There's no need for that. She's Dr. Emily Thorne. Erin's therapist."

* * *

Kim laid motionless on her couch with her cushions to her chest as the TV blared, muffling the sounds of her cries.

Sniffing back tears, she was terrified. Terrified that she'll lose her job. A career that she had worked so hard for. A job that she had busted her ass to prove her worth even when nobody believe that she would make it through the Academy. She shouldn't have punched him but he just made her so mad. He drove her over her limits.

Adam and Kim, yet again, had another argument at the locker room. A semi-civil brawl that was certainly blown out of proportion had Platt marching into the locker room since their screaming match was heard at the lobby of the District. Having spent the past four hours at a disciplinary hearing with Commander Fischer, they were both put in administrative leave with mandatory anger management class that ought to be taken very seriously. This was why the Department has a strict policy on fraternisation.

 _"WHO IS HE, HUH? WHO'S THE NEW GUY YOU'RE SCREWING?!" he scowled and got in her face._

 _Kim shook her head in disgust, her eyes brim with angry tears. "Nobody! And it really isn't any of your business!"_

 _"How do you expect me to believe that?" he wagged his finger at her face, "Especially when not two second after_ YOU _call off our wedding, you had your legs wide open for Roman! Hell! I bet you're just giving it for free to everyone and anyone in this building!"_

 _His words cut through her. She literally she felt her heart being sliced in half._

 _Is that what he thought of her?_

 _Inside, she was in excruciating pain, at the same time, she was boiling in rage._

 _How can he say such nasty words to her? The woman he supposedly loves._

 _To her ill fate, that was when Platt burst into the locker room, the moment she landed her punch to his left cheek._

"Kimmmmm!" he pounded at her door.

Standing outside her apartment door, Adam had spent the last hour or so chugging down burning liquors after burning liquors, drinking his pain away.

The second those words came out of his mouth, he regretted them. He had wounded her tremendously and now can only hope that Kim knew he didn't meant a single word he said.

He was just so hurt and angry that she had turned down his proposal that he blurted out unspeakable words to the woman he loves. He was so wrong and needed to apologise. To do exactly that, he needed liquid courage.

"Kimmmmmmmm!"

She stood against her already fragile door while he continued on pounding. She feared that it might actually break apart.

"Hey! Why don't you take that racket somewhere else before I call the cops?" Kim heard her neighbour shouted at him.

"I am the cops! So why don't you go back inside and continue with your knitting, ok?"

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"Open the door, Kim! Please! I just wanna talk!"

"Go away!" she shouted. She was amazed that anything came out since she was still so mad at him, "We've done nothing but talk, Adam. Can't you see that? And look where that has gotten us."

"Kimmmmmm!"

She jumped at the loud thug of her door. "Adam! Don't make me call Kev!"

Suddenly, to her surprise, everything had gone oddly quiet. The pounding had stopped and she sighed loudly in relief. Waiting a few more seconds before actually stepping away from the door.

She loves him with every fibre in her but sometimes he can just be all too persistent.

Just then her phone rang.  
"Should I call the cops, Kimmy?" her elder neighbour from two doors down the hall asked.  
"No, Mrs Mayer. I have it under control." she reassured.  
"Ok, then. Call if he's still being a douche bag."  
She chuckled, "I will. Thank you."

As Kim clicked the button to end the call, she took another step away from the door when she heard him again.

"I'm sorry, Kim. I didn't mean to scare you. Please hear me out." he sounded like his face was pressed up against the door as he spoke in a much calmer tone.

"Kimmy..." his voice cracked in a choked cry.

His voice, the way he said her name had her crumbling to pieces. He had her right then and there as he cried out, prompting her to open the door.

Adam smiled. His goofy grin melting her heart. "May I come in?"

She hated hurting him. Though their love was a combination of toxic and dysfunctional, at the end of the day, no matter what anybody says, they knew they're each other's soulmates. Both blinded by love.

"Yeah." she stepped aside and he stumbled into her apartment. She can tell that he was drunk and hoped that he didn't drive here himself. But with him, anything is possible.

"What do you wanna talk about?" she folded her arms across her chest, standing no more than a foot away from him. Her body language; screaming at him that she simply wanted him to get to the point.

"Kim, I'm...Your eyes. You've been crying." he then saw her red, swollen, teary eyes and reached out. Snaking his arms around her waist to tug her closer, he caught her by surprise. Tonight, she definitely was not in the mood for anything intense.

He ran his fingers across the expense of her cheeks. Never did he wanted to be the cause of her pain nor the reason for her to be in tears.  
Kissing her eyelids, "I'm sorry." he whispered.  
"Adam..." she pushed against his chest and tried to move away from his hold but he was persistent and tugged her even closer.

A reign of scourge in both their eyes. He trailed his hand down the nape of her neck, his thumb lightly brushing against her lips.

"Don't..." she breathed out when he squeezed her hips.

"Will you forgive me, Kim?" his mouth was now dangerously close to hers and she can practically taste the bourbon on his breath, "I'm an idiot. Probably the biggest idiot in the world and it took me this long to realise that. I never meant to hurt you, Kimmy...I love you..." he slowly leaned in to kiss her and she allowed him to devour her lips.

God knows how much she loves the way he touches her but she couldn't make that same mistake again. It'll just further complicate their already uber complicated relationship.

"Adam..." she breathed, his lips brushed against hers, "We have to stop..." she reluctantly pulled away from him, her loose tee already halfway down her shoulder.

"I mean it." she pushed his hands, that was hauling at her waist, away but somehow she was now off her feet. Him, carrying her to the closest thing with four legs; the dinning table.

"Stop." she moaned into his mouth.

"Tell me you don't want me." he whispered into her ear, grazing his scruffy jawline against her cheek.

"Adam, we can't..." she said weakly but her body was telling him a different story.

Trailing feather-light kisses down the nape of her neck, "Yes. We can." he said, ever so slightly tugging the sleeve of her shirt, exposing the bare skin of her shoulder. She lost it when his lips gently nip on her spot, just above her collarbone. He just knew how to manipulate her body.

The intensity of his touch was doing wonders to her body, she knew she was going to loose this battle. "Oh god!" she threw her arms around him. Tangling her fingers in his hair, she pulled him closer, she needed him.

.

Weeks worth of buildup emotions and frustrations, ones that he never really got to deal with, were now at it's peek.

Jay, his colleague and friend, probably won't ever get to see again.

Erin, whom was like a sister, was still dealing with the trauma and the wrath that is Carlos.

He almost gave up his life for Kim. And she still said no to his proposal.

His soulmate turned him down yet again.

He still had no idea why she called off the wedding in the first place.

He was suspended not once but twice in the span of two months because of Kim.

But most of all he hated himself for how he had acted towards her.

He was a pathetic excuse for a man.

Consumed by rage, he somehow needed to release that impending irk. To his oblivion, he was imploding his aggression at Kim.

"Oh...Adam...god...slow down..." she felt like he was ripping her apart. He was so lost in his head that he didn't hear her cries and continued on thrusting deep inside of her.

"Adam! You're hurting me!" she gasped. With the amount of aggression in each thrust, it literally took her breath away each time he slammed into her. He was squeezing her arms so tightly that even the slightest added pressure will most likely snap them in half.

"ADAM! GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!" she somehow managed to scream, pulling him out of his trance. He quickly released his grip on her arms and pulled out of her. A look of pure shock and sorrow plastered on his face at the realisation of his actions.

"Shit! Kim, I'm-"

He didn't get to finish his apology as a violent slap palmed his left cheek. A night that should've ended wonderfully was now a lurid tale of violence and betrayal.

"Kimmy...please..."

"DON'T. YOU. DARE. TOUCH. ME. AGAIN." she gritted through her teeth.

Quickly backing away to the other end of the table when he tried to reach out for her. With trembling hands, she pulled at the hem of her shirt to somehow cover herself. Simply unable to believe what had just happened to her. It was all her fault, she never should've gave in.

It killed him to see her recoil from him in fear and his eyes were now glossy with tears when he noticed the red stains trailing down her thighs. He had totally underestimated the extent of his turbulence.

"I'm sorry, baby...I'm so sorry...I don't know what happened." Dropping his head in his hands, he started to weep. She was the last person he would ever want to hurt but he did anyway.

"Time after time, you kept insisting that you love me but...you just treated me like I'm some sort of animal!" a sob tore through her, "That's not love, Adam...This...Us... We're over. This time it's for good...forever. I don't want you near me anymore. Ever. I,I can't..."

"You don't mean that. C'mon."

"No! I do! And if you ever touch me again, I swear to god, I will blow your brains out!" she screamed, crying hysterically. Her eyes; blurred by the never ending tears. This was certainly not the Adam she knew; he would've never hurt her.

"Now, please just get out!"


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Tell us you got something."

Antonio implored as he and Atwater walked into the morgue, the morning after finding Emily Thorne's body, who was in fact Erin's therapist. One who had been assisting her in getting to a better place. One who had brought her out of her shell after the ordeal she had went through.

A mix of death and chemicals filled the stale, cold room. Hitting them right in the nostrils the moment they walked in. It was an unfortunate phenomenon but a fact that obtaining answers from the medical examiner, Stella Bonasera, usually involves going to the morgue.

"Now, I'm not even worthy of a greeting? Well, good morning to you too, Detective Dawson." Bonasera playfully snapped at the confused detective, who now had thought he had done something to upset the lady. Looking at his partner, he shrugged, silently asking what he've done wrong.

"I'm sorry. Let me start again." he said sweetly, "Good morning, Stella. How's your day going so far?" he paused for a few seconds, "What have you got for us?"

The trio lightly chuckled for a bit until their laughs quickly died down as she pulled the freezer handle that was attached to a wall and pulled out a steel gurney where yesterday's corpse laid, pale and lifeless, after the autopsy that was done hours prior.

Emily Thorne laid, quiet and calm, and was covered with a thin, white sheet that rested right above her chest. The 'Y' incision still evident and visible under her glistening porcelain skin.

"Well, COD was definitely exsanguination. Her carotid artery have been severed. The slash was so deep that it cut right through her left platysma." Stella carefully lifted her weightless mass with both hands in order to show the boys her discovery, "Death was immediate. Other than that, this is by far the cleanest rape/homicide I've ever come across. No traces, no prints, no fluids, no evidence left on or in this body whatsoever."

"How can that be?" Atwater asked.

"Sodium hypochlorite." she simply stated.

Both detectives looked at each other. Having no clue what that compound was. "Sodium hypo-what?"

"Bleach."

The boys were taken aback and had to blink a few times to make sure they were hearing her right.  
"Bleach?"

"Yes, bleach. And he did quite a magnificent job, I must say. Wiped every inch of her body spotless clean. Even her vaginal and anal cavities." they almost gagged on their breakfast as she said that. Pity was written on their faces as they looked at the corpse before them. She was not only violated in the worst way possible before the killer put her down but after as well.

"Hence, no fluids, fibres, hairs or even a speck of dust. The killer took the time into clean her before dumping her in the park."

"Murder weapon?"

Stella nodded, beckoning them to lean in closer to have a look at the slit. "Most definitely a knife. My guess some sort of fighting knife with a fixed-blade. According to my calculations, the directional and angle of laceration suggests the knife was not serrated and approximately eight inches long. I'm still trying to determine the type and make of the weapon, it'll take me a few more hours. I'll email you the results once I have it."

Poor Emily Throne. Her life was ended short in a gruesome manner. Having helped people all her life to getting healthier mentally, she took her last dying breath all alone and helpless. No one was there for her. Laying alone in the middle of the freezing winter of Chicago, she was left to rot. Atwater remembered how she had looked like a mannequin, just like the ones found at a department store.

"Good luck, Detectives. You have one heck of an investigation."

* * *

The moment after locking the door to her apartment, Erin Lindsay fled to her kitchen in search for alcohol. She spotted a bottle of cheap red wine but quickly pushed pass it, deciding that she would need something much stronger after the horrendous day she've just had.

Being in the confines of familiarity after over two months of living with Voight felt just right. She needed to be alone. She needed time to think, to cry, to hide away without anyone suspecting that something has gone horribly wrong. When it comes to Voight, lying wasn't an option. He could see right through her.

The sickly air in her stuffy apartment threatened her hazy disposition and she quickly gripped the kitchen countertop. Taking long deep breathes, she unsuccessfully avert the panic that now settled in.

 _Dr. Manning lightly knocked on the door, pausing for a tad too long. Both Bunny and Erin didn't fail to notice the frown that was painted on the young doctors' face._

 _As Erin does not quite remember all that had happened at the diner earlier that afternoon, only vaguely she recalls arguing with her mother about money, the rest was like a distant memory of being surrounded by paramedics and Bunny's hands gripping hers._

 _"Glad to see that you're finally awake, Erin. How are you feeling?" Dr. Manning asked with a smile before entering the sterile room and standing by the foot of her patients' bed._

 _"Doc, how's my daughter?" Bunny inquires, leaving Erin no room to answer Natalie's question._

"Don't do it, Erin." she whispered to herself, grasping a bottle of vodka that had been shoved all the way to the back of the kitchen cabinet.

With a trembling hand, she poured the clear liquid into a coffee mug. Too sunken to even get herself to look in the other cabinet for a tumbler.

"No. You shouldn't." she breathed, craving to feel the burning liquor against her lips. She needed to get drunk tonight. She needed to silent her rambled thoughts. She needed to forget.

Gripping the mug in her hand, she stared into the very void that sucked in her mother years ago. She closed her eyes, the thought of following in her mother's footsteps; she knew it was imprinted in her DNA, to end up a screwup like her. Knowing that she would eventually turn into her mother, she didn't allow herself to consider it any longer but instead lifted the rim to her lips and allow the fiery liquid to burn its way down her throat.

 _"Erin, we've run some tests," Dr. Manning rested a gentle hand on her knee before sitting on the edge of her bed, trying her best to not freak her patient out with the news she's about to tell. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, considering the circumstances, you're pregnant. Your levels of hCG suggests you're 13 weeks along."_

 _The room fell into an abysmal silence. Aside from Bunny, who was in glee at the fact of becoming a grandmother, the two were frozen in time._

 _13 weeks?_

 _A painful memory that have been forever etched in her mind, right now, she wished she could simply end her life._

 _Hers and the growing fetus inside._

 _13 weeks ago was when everything happened. When she was kidnapped. When she was forcefully taken to Colombia. When she was beaten to a pulp. When she was violently raped time after time._

 _She's now carrying his child._

 _A devil spawn._

 _She cannot be having it even when it's half hers._

 _"Erin, I know this is too much to handle all at once so why don't you sleep on it before making a decision?" Dr. Manning said in a pointless effort to reassure her patient that she has other options._

 _Erin shook her head, unable to fight the burning sensation behind the back of her eyes any longer and allowed tears to cascade down the pallid of her cheeks._

Quickly, she slammed the mug down onto the counter, this time snatching the bottle instead. The sudden onslaught of memories was becoming far too much for her to handle and she can no longer resist the urge to expel them from her mind.

 _She threw her hands to her face, taking deep erratic breaths, blocking out what the doctor had just said from that point on. "You're kidding, right?"_

 _For a long moment, she just stared at her in disbelief. Dr. Manning had to be kidding. There was no way in hell that there could be another human, no devil, growing inside of her. It was physically possible. She's supposed to be infertile. "This isn't real! I'm dreaming! I can't have his baby!" she cried._

 _Dr. Manning stayed quiet, having no clue what to say to her distressed patient. There wasn't anything else to say or do to help Erin. The fact is; she is pregnant._

 _Bunny looked back and forth at her daughter and Dr. Manning in confusion. Erin was pouring tears. The doctor just sat quietly, looking down at her lap. She was the only one in the room who's had an enthusiastic reaction to the news. Something was definitely wrong._

 _"What's going on? Am I missing something here, Erin?"_

She pressed the opening of the heavy bottle against her lips, tilt it upwards and pour the liquor down her throat until she can feel her muscles burning and couldn't take it any longer. She sputtered and began coughing violently, the bottle slipped from her hands and shattered against the cold tile floor. She attempted to stir away from the trifle she had just made but instead, she stumbled upon the disarray, laying on the ground alongside the shards of glass only a second later.

 _"I followed everything you told me to do. I took a test, it was negative! Remember! I took the emergency contraceptives! I even bled! There's no way!" Erin screamed, hoping Natalie was just playing a cruel joke on her._

 _Dr. Manning knows her frustration. Though it might not be the same, she too was terrified when she found out she was pregnant with Owen._

 _She knew Erin needs reassurance. She needed to know why this was her fate, that after everything, she was still destined to bare his child, even when she was supposedly infertile. "Since you took the test very early on, your body might not have produced enough hCG yet. That was why the test came back negative. Erin, you have to understand that some tests are more sensitive than others and no test is a 100 percent accurate. I'm so sorry. I know this isn't the news you were expecting and I really hoped it was something else but..."_

She brought her knees to her chest and tightly wrap her arms around them, figuring that she'd just stay on the kitchen floor tonight. The weight of the world was crushing her, leaving her in such a weakened state. She don't want to breathe anymore. She don't want to think anymore. She just don't want to live anymore _._

 _"I want an abortion!"_

 _"I can schedule you for an appointment late next week at the earliest but before taking that step, let me explain something first. From the notes I received from your gynaecologist, the tissues that lines the inside of your uterus are so profound that it's a miracle you even got pregnant. If you terminate this pregnancy, the chances of you conceiving will be very slim." she informed. She respects Erin's decision if an abortion is what she really wants but she also needs to be informed of the results, "This baby is basically a miracle and I'm just worried that you may be throwing your last chance of conceiving."_

 _"Don't you get it?" Erin grabbed a fistful of her hair, emphasising her exasperation, "It's HIS! I don't want HIS child! I. Don't. Want. It!" she screamed, hazy images filled her vision yet again and she rocked back and forth while covering her ears. "Please. I don't want this monster."_

Two voices, hers and the ever growing fetus', echoed within the confines of her mind, screaming at her at every angle. Trickles of soppy tears coursing down her cheeks, accompanied by jolts of sporadic quakes as each anguished sob tore through her body.

For the first time since finding out her predicament, she rubbed the expense of her still flat abdomen and found herself wondering which time it was conceived.

Was it when he forced himself in her the first time? Was it the second time? Or the third? Forth? Fifth?

* * *

From the moment Bunny walked into her daughter's apartment, the anguish of seeing her distressed child on the kitchen floor, on a pool of shards, hit her where it truly hurts. Her heart.

Hurrying across the room, she didn't hesitate to take Erin in her arms, kissing the top of her head. She regretted the neglect of her children. Not being there for them. She never should've let men define her and instead provide a better life for her children. Never was she a good mother and she knew it. She didn't acted like one. She was never there for them. But today, she vowed to be by her daughter's side, throughout every decision. Erin needed her, a mother, whether she admits it or not.

Erin snuggled into her mother's arms, tears falling in torrents. She can't understand why this is happening to her. She have no idea what to do now. She don't want this baby. Not his. She hates every part of it. It's tiny body. It's tiny feet. It's tiny fingers laced with it's unique fingerprint. She simply loathes it. It's very existence. There was no higher power since if there was, she shouldn't be in this position.

"Jay's gonna hate me." she said in a near whisper as more tears flooded her teary eyes. She's pregnant with another man's offspring.

"Don't worry. I'm sure he'll understand. He's a good man."

Bunny struggled to keep her tears at bay, her heart ached at the sight of her child in deep agonising pain.

What kind of a monster would do such a thing to her daughter?  
Erin has the kindest soul there is.

How could he rape her?  
No one deserves to be violated in such horrific way.

How could God let him impregnate her daughter?  
Bunny have always known there was no almighty above.

"Hey. I know you're afraid." Bunny soothed her trembling child, "I'll be here. Whatever decision you make."

Erin continued to cry in her mother's arms, she couldn't even hear her calming words as her sobs were just as loud.

"Abortion, adoption or you wanna have this baby. I'll be here. I'll be happy to help." she said, running her hands through her daughter's soft hair as Erin lean so tightly against her.

The pungent odour of liquor filled the stuffy apartment, the strong smell on Erin's breath, she knew she've been drinking.  
"Erin, you know you shouldn't be drinking."

She simply didn't answer. She was ashamed. She was selfish. Not only was she not supposed to drink, she had broken her sobriety. She willingly tried to poison herself with alcohol just so she could compromised the health of an innocent child.

"Where do you think we go after we..." Erin probed as she stared into the ceiling above.  
"C'mon. Let's not think about that."  
When she didn't answer and just laid so still and stared at the ceiling, that was when Bunny knew she was serious. "Dandelion? That's not something you're thinking about!"

"I wanna die."

A lone tear rolled down her face, Bunny reached out and wiped it away as her daughter continued in her trance, staring into the ceiling.

"Shh...shh..." Bunny soothed, holding her close to her chest, stroking her hair as she sang a lullaby like she had many years ago. She combed through Erin's hair with her fingers and watched as exhaustion took over, slowly her daughter closed her eyes into a deep slumber.

"I'm sorry, baby." Bunny spoke so softly that her words barely even registered with her. She quickly wrapped an arm around Erin like a protective blanket as she rocked her and kissed the top of her head.

When she was sure her daughter was finally asleep, Bunny took a deep breath, finally releasing the tears she'd been holding in all night.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

"I can't do it." Jay pleaded to his physical therapist, Amanda Clarke. He've been trying his very best, giving his all into taking just one step, "Please." he gritted through his teeth as he braced onto his therapist who've been guiding him through the parallel bars. Not only he could not walk on his own, he couldn't even see.

He's blind.

Six days filled with physical therapy, six long days of excruciating pain that only got worse by the day, leaving him hopeless at the end of each day. He never thought he'd have to learn to walk again, regain the crucial muscles on his legs. He could hardly even lift his legs more than an inch, let alone stand or walk for more than a minute.

He groaned when he tried to lift his feet off the ground, pushing himself to the limit in order to take just half a step, it was a task that was once as simple as breathing. Even when his entire body screamed at him, even when he started tearing up, he didn't give up, he needed to get better. Soon.

"That's great, Jay. Here, have a seat." she assisted him back on his wheelchair and he willingly flopped back down, panting hard, dabbing the trickles of sweat off his forehead with a tissue she had given him.

"You did well today, Jay." she squeezed his arm before unhinging the locks to his wheelchair and pushed him back to his room, making small talk us they go.

"That was a real breakthrough. I'm so proud of you, Jay. With this pace, you'll be back on your feet in no time."

He didn't believe her. Not a single word she said. Not a single encouragement.  
Why would he believe her?

Nothing seemed to be in his favour lately. He was still blind. He could hardly move his legs. There literally wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel.

1  
He counted.

2  
He counted.

3  
He knew he was close to his room.

4  
Every hundred metres, his wheelchair makes a click sound, indicating him that a hundred metres have passed destination.

"Oh! What a lovely surprise!" she exclaimed. Though he couldn't actually see her face, he could tell that she was smiling and wondered who the visitor in his room was.

"Hi, Jay." Erin greeted sweetly, coming over him to peck his cheek. The sweet scent of Erin's perfume didn't go unnoticed, it was different, something unexpected. The therapist gave her a look of sympathy that told her that she need not give up on him just yet, as his face was stern, his eyes was straight ahead, not bothering to even return the greeting or face in her direction.

"Ok, Jay." the therapist interrupted the awkward silence and brought him closer to his bed, "C'mon, let's get you to bed." she said, beckoning Erin to assist.

"I can help myself." he protested.

Perplexed, he didn't want either of their help. He was a veteran, a Ranger for the 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment and served 4 tours in Afghanistan and an Intelligence Unit Detective for the Chicago Police Department, he sure is capable of putting himself to bed.

"Jay, please listen to your therapist. You'll hurt yourself."

"I don't need any of your help." he shouted. With shaky arms, he held his hand out to feel for the edge of the bed before trying with all his puissance or lack there of to carry himself off the wheelchair.

Just as he thought he could do it all by himself, his arms gave up on him, proving yet again that he really is an incapacitate as he collapsed to the ground and hit his body on the nearby wheelchair.

"Jay." Erin sobbed his name, both rushed to his aid the moment his body hit the ground. She felt so guilty since it was she who put him in this disposition.

"I wish you'd listen to me, Jay." the therapist probed as she hauled him to his feet and transfer him onto the bed with Erin assisting as much as she could. Though she very much wanted to help, there wasn't much she could do as every time she tried to touch him, he'd jerk his arm away. Angry.

"See you tomorrow." Amanda said, wanting to get away from the atmosphere that was making her very uncomfortable. "Take some rest. You'll need the energy since we'll be lifting leg weights." she squeezed his shoulders for encouragement and Jay returned her with a smile.

Erin can't help but feel a pang of jealousy surge through her system at their distance. He was hurting her whether he knew it or not, whether it was intentional or not. Regardless, she would never have expected him to be so cruel to her.

Carlos was right. After what he did, nobody, especially Jay, would ever want to touch her and he couldn't be any more on point. She's disgusting, a pathetic victim. She had allowed him to do all those cruddy, despicable, unthinkable acts and now as a result of her volition, his kin was growing inside of her.

She needed to tell him but at the same time, she don't want to. He'll hate her. He'll hate her forever and she don't think she can take any of that pain for eternity. He'll hate her for having another man's baby inside of her. He'll leave her. She can't live without him.

 _But are they even still together?_

"What's...what's going on between us?" she whispered. The lingering answer was suddenly making her insanely dizzy, causing her to take deep breaths and grip the edge of the bed for support.

"I don't know, Erin."

His answer hit her like a tonne of bricks. Crushing her already very fragile spirit. He was uncertain for their future, for them, their relationship. She bit her lip to cut through the sob that was stinging her eyes. She didn't want to cry but the hormones, this pregnancy, was driving her emotions all of the place. Rendering them uncontrollable.

"You can hate me, blame me all you want, Jay...just please please don't shut me out. Please talk to me." she begged. In her head, she suddenly saw him, Carlos Solis, forcing himself inside her. She squeezed her eyes shut in a failed attempt to block whatever her mind was playing and she deluge the fresh tears down her cheeks.

"I don't want to talk to you, Erin. I really don't." he seethed. "Why can't you get that through that thick skull of yours?" he snapped to her direction.

This was all her fault.

"You're not the only one going through a tough time, Jay! I am too!" she cried, running her hands through her hair. "I am..." she shook her head as if to shake all the memories that happened in Colombia.

"I'm…"

She couldn't tell him all that had happened. She couldn't get herself to say that she's pregnant.

"I spent the last two months hiding at home. Terrified! I remembered everything, every single detail! Everything that..." she sighed, calming herself, "I am grateful. I really am grateful that you risk your life for me and that...that only made me love you even more, Jay. I love you so so much, Jay. I love you...it hurts..."

He stayed quiet and still. A lump was forming at the back of his throat. Her words, every single one of them were etched with sorrow. Pain; she was in. Pain; he was the cause of. She was sobbing uncontrollably and it hurt him to know that it was all because of him.

He heard the shuffling of her feet as she grabbed her purse and coat. Her voice sounded so far away to him now.

"If me gone is really what you want...I'll...I'll be happy to grant your wish..."

* * *

After her failed attempt in repairing her now irrepairable relationship, she decided to walk back to her apartment. Needing the fresh air to calm herself, to get away from her rampant thoughts that was screaming at her to just give life up.

She didn't care of the eyes that were on her as she strutted down the street, as she still continued to sob her eyes out and scrub at her face viciously. All she could think of is how can Jay be so cold towards her. Remembering how she practically begged God to let her escape Colombia alive so that Jay could hold her in his arms. An embrace she had longed for and still is. She loves him with every fibre in her being and she will love him till the end of time.

She wants to jump off the building, any building. It doesn't really matter. She can't live this way. She can't live without Jay. She can't live knowing that he hates her.

"Please...Why?" she looked down at her small bump that contains a 4 month old fetus, begging at the spawn inside of her to just stop growing, to just die and leave her at peace. Four more day then it'll be scrapped out of her. Four more days.

But that familiar sensation of acidic bile was starting to burn her throat, threatening to spill, telling her that the wish she so desperately wants will never come true. Running a few feet, she leaned over a garbage can and emptied the contents of her stomach.

"You alright, ma'am?"

She turned around and noticed a young boy of about fourteen hovering over her. Her attention was interrupted once again as she started dry heaving into the garbage can, before having the chance to answer him.

"I'm fine." she smiled at the young boy. Unlike the other passerby who just gave her weird stares, he cares enough to ask for her wellbeing. But she was more concerned of the fact that he was talking to a complete stranger.

"You sure?"

"Yes. Thank you." she said as she somewhat straighten up.

"Umm...here..." he said as he took out a packet of tissue and what looked like a folded up paper out of his pocket, "He told me to give it to you." the boy turn around to point to a non-existent person across the street.

She nervously open the folded note, her hands were trembling. Who was 'he'?

What she saw underneath the white crisp paper along with the neat black inked handwriting terrified her that the hairs behind her neck were crawling out of her skin. And she found herself tearing up yet again.

 _'How's our baby?'_

Staring at the paper in her hand, her whole body went numb and her heart stopped with the realisation that all this time, he have been watching her.

"No. No. No. What?" she started panicking, her knees threaten to give up on her so she grab onto the nearby wall, "Carlos. He can't..."

"Ma'am? Is something wrong?"

Amidst the panic, she had forgotten that there was a kids right in front of her. He was concerned and scared to why she had a strong reaction to that note.  
"You listen to me, kid. Go straight home and do not, I repeat do not stop for anyone. You hear me?"

* * *

 _ **Sorry for posting this again...something happened so here we go...another chapter. Thanks for reading! Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts!**_


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Staring down at the clear liquid right before her, she mentally contemplated whether continuing with her days-long binge was the right thing to do. Having still been in a crossroad of to abort or not to abort since this baby, his baby, was a miracle. She've always dreamed of having a child of her own and with her luck, this was probably her last and only chance. But now that it was conceived by a rapist, she didn't want to do anything with the spawn growing inside of her. Three more days till it'll be forever gone. But then why isn't she thrilled?

Chugging down her sixth shot of vodka, she had made up her mind to opt for an abortion. Whatever impulsive decision she made today wouldn't matter since it won't be long before it'll be scrapped out of her. The immense hatred she had for it was nothing she've ever felt. She didn't want it so there really wasn't a point in being meticulous and proper in every decision she made.

"You! Keep it coming!"

The bartender at Molly's looked at her questionably before pouring her another drink of her choice, vodka. Luckily the guys at Firehouse 51 were still on shift or else they'd be running off to Voight right now and she'd be in copious amount of trouble.

Abortion.  
It would be for the best. For her and it.

Adoption.  
It wasn't even an option, she didn't want any traces to be left behind as she knew, just maybe, once she look at the tiny human being that is half hers, she would grow to love it.

Having spent the last few days in a drunken stupor, she just couldn't get enough liquor down her throat. After every drink she just seemed to need more. And every morning when she wakes up with a piercing headache, she regrets her decision for the night before. But then again, it's just a cycle of misery.

Just as she drown her seventh shot, a hand to her shoulder made her jump out of her skin. A small cry was emitted as she thought Carlos had finally got to her.

"Whoa! Sorry!" he said, sitting down on a stool right next to her with a drinking in his hand.

"What the hell, Adam! Don't you ever scare me like that!" she slurred then started to giggle.  
He held his hands up in surrender, telling her that he meant no harm. "I said I was sorry."

She sighed, catching her breath to calm herself. She was certain that she was being watched, causing her to be anxious every second of the day. The letter, a confirmation that Carlos was back in Chicago and still after her. Somehow he figured out that she was with child and expected her to carry it to term. But that can never happen, not ever.

"Whoa! How many of those have you had?" he laughed as she stared giggling even louder.

Pointing at the shot glasses right before her, "1, 2, 3…" she counted.

"7!"

"Yap. I can see that. So what brings you here to this fine establishment at this time of night?" he asked with a smirk on his face. She stared at him for a spilt second before slumping her head onto the counter, exasperated. The bags under her fearful eyes told him that something was definitely bothering her. Knowing Erin, she would never be the one to open up. She have always been an expert in masking whatever that was causing her to be so restless.

She lifted her head up and grab the glass of bourbon out of his hand, taking a long sip before speaking. "I don't know." she shrugged, "Jay didn't want me at the hospital and I really didn't want to be alone at my apartment and I can't drink at Voight's without him thinking I've got a problem...so yeah..." she slurred before taking another sip. "Ugh! I don't know how you stomach this stuff!"

She stopped to stare at him when she saw the mischievous grin on his face that suggested he was up to no good.  
"What?" she raised a brow at him and tilted her head slightly.

"I just remembered, a couple of years ago, a few buddies and I got a little crazy one night and may or may not have gotten a few blunts. I hid one in my car for emergencies and now I think it's time..."

"What are you saying, Ruzek?" she rested her hands on her hips and shook her head in disbelief.

He shrugged as he nursed his bourbon and tapped his finger against the counter.

Dumbfounded, she stopped and thought about it for a second, weighing her options. She can stay at Molly's and probably, most likely, get plastered which would only make her look more of a fool in front of people she'll definitely see again. Or she could get high as a kite with Adam.

"Let's go." she said abruptly, finishing the remnants of his tumbler before standing. Adam was a little stunned that she actually agreed but he wasn't one to question her decision so he followed suit.

Once at his car, having practically sprinted, he pointed at the glove compartment in front of her. Quickly, she opened it, digging through papers and candy wrappers he had shoved inside the small space.

"When you said you hid it, you really weren't kidding!"

He laughed as he watched her rummage through the contents of his compartment until she finally pulled out the white rolled up paper with a cheeky grin painted on her face. This was the first in forever he actually saw her with a genuine smile on her face.

"Not here." he said when she grabbed the lighter on the dashboard. Deciding that it would be pretty foolish to get high outside a bar filled with firefighters and cops. Hence, pulling out of the parking lot and driving until they found a perfect spot. Outside the hustle and bustle of the city that is Chicago.

They both hurried out of the car, and climb on top of the hood, resting their backs against the windshield. Erin handed him the blunt and he chuckled before putting it to his lips and leaned forward so that she could light the joint. Holding up the small lighter in her hand, both of them stared into each other's eyes, telling one another that this could either be the best or worst decision to go down in history.

She smiled before rolling her thumb over the metal wheel, causing a bright flame to appear in between them. Once the blunt was burning red, she turned off the lighter, pulled back and watched hungrily as he drew in the smoke. He then handed her the burning joint and she closed her eyes, letting the smoke enter her system.

.

Their laughs were contagious as they took turns with the tiny blunt. They laughed and laughed until their stomachs hurt. And right now, they found themselves laughing more than they ever did in their entire life.

"Thank you." she sighed, laying her head on Adam's lap. "You have no idea how much I needed this."  
"You are very welcome, Your Highness." Adam mocked in a rather horrid impression of a posh accent.

He brushed his fingers through her caramel hair. Both of them stared into the full moon glowing in the sky. "Adam..."

He looked down at her when he heard her soft voice and blinked a few times to focus. Her eyes slowly shifted to stare into his, a lazy smile appeared, causing him to smile back at her. "I'm glad we did this. Have I said that already? Haha! I feel ah-mazing..." she raised her hands up to him, putting them at the back of his neck. She pulled herself up and shifted so that she was now sitting on his lap and looking directly into his chocolate coloured eyes.

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure you did. I'm glad too. I never actually thought you'd say yes." they both chuckled and she rested her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms tighter around his neck. Adam wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her as close as possible.

"I'm just so over it, over life, over everything. He took...he took everything from me. My sanity, my job, my life, Jay...Jay hates me. He can't even touch me and...I miss him...We'll never be the same anymore now that I'm pr..." she couldn't even get herself to say it. She felt as if she didn't actually say it out loud, it wouldn't be much a reality. Or maybe she simply was in denial.

"Hey. Don't cry. Everything will be fine. Jay just needs a little more time. He'll realise that he needs you soon enough." he tried reassuring her when he realised she was crying, feeling her hot tears on his neck.

Having been too busy with her own issues, she didn't fully understand how much harder it was for Jay.  
"Yeah." she sniffled, nodding as she pulled away.

It had been over two months since Jay held her or even touched her for a matter of fact and she now craved him like her life depended on it. With the intensified levels of hormones in her system, she needed to feel him. She ached for his hands on her most intimate areas.

It was probably the way Adam's glistening eyes lingered at her or his gentle touch on her soft skin or the overload of hormones coursing through her system or even the weed that is causing her to marvel at his presence. Suddenly he seemed ever so desirable.

"Kiss me." she demanded.

Furrowing his brows, she had caught him off guard at her quest. "What?"

"I said kiss me." she whispered into his ears, her breath tickling his overly sensitive skin at the back of his ear.

Before he could even talk himself out of it, he found himself slowly leaning in, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears before capturing her lips in a tender kiss. Pulling her onto his lap, she straddled him, cupping his face to ravage his mouth.

He laid on the windshield of his car and wrapped her petit body in his strong embrace as they greedily continued to kiss amidst their moaning and groaning. His hands; lustfully kneading her bottom.

She reluctantly pulled away, climbing off of him and intertwined his fingers with hers and led him to the backseat of his car. She couldn't stop herself. She needed this, needed him and she willingly gave herself to another man.

Grabbing him by the shirt, she pulled him inside the car. "Hurry." she moaned, her chest heaving. He wasn't prepared for how fast she would pull her sweater off over her head and was in awe at the sight of her laying in his car half naked; with only her jeans and a white colour bra on.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" he was mesmerised and couldn't take his eyes off of her. He slammed her back on the backseat, barely closing the doors before attacking her mouth with his, trailing his lips down the nape of her neck and to her chest as she tore off his leather jacket and popped the buttons of his shirt trying to tear it as quick as possible. He unzipped her jeans, pulling them down along with her panties. Amid the excitement and lust, he could only pull one leg from the confines of her denim. Not bothering with the other leg of her jeans, he left them dangling over her right leg.

Against the serenity of the sleeping city, the only sounds that could be heard were their intoxicating heavy breathing. Them being too eager to fill each other's void.

"Adam." she gasped when he kissed her stomach, running the tip of his tongue over the expense of her swollen belly and down the inside of her thighs. She threw her head back at the contact of his tongue, whimpering as his subtle tickled her in between. When he grabbed her hair and yanked her ponytail back to kiss her roughy, she was suddenly taken back to the night Carlos had taken her anal virginity.

 _"Carlos don't!" she gasped, crying out as he palmed her behind for the fifth time._  
 _"Relax, sweetheart. It really won't hurt at all." he said and kissed her roughly, jerking her head so sharp that she was certain he'd snap her neck._

 _"Please! No! No! Stop!" she screamed as he continued pounding her behind so hard, she couldn't catch her breath and thought she'd black out._

Closing her eyes, she brought herself back to the present, blocking the horrific memory out of her mind. This was the first time she'd been with anyone since the rape and to be honest, she really didn't expect it to be with anyone other than Jay Halstead. But right now, she didn't care about anything except the sensations he was giving her. She had to have him.

With trembling hands, she struggled with his belt buckle, taking a lot more time than they both had anticipated. The desperation in getting inside her proved to be too mighty for Adam so he pinned her wrists above her head and shoved his tongue down her throat, while he unbuckled his own belt and pulled down his pants, just pass his behind.

With just one tug, he pulled her hips closer to him and in one swift motion, he thrusted deep inside of her. Her head dropped to the crook of his neck, biting the flesh above his shoulder blades and she cursed at the intrusion.

"Holy shit!"

As they continued getting lost in the moment, in each other and in the haze of all the lust, they didn't even think of the ramifications their actions will lead to. The betrayal and heartache both Jay and Kim will have to endure once they find out. But they didn't give a damn. They needed each other. They needed the warmth that can only be found in the arms of one another.

They needed to feel loved again.

They needed to feel wanted again.

They needed each other.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

"Sergeant Voight!"

Hank Voight looked up from his desk at the sound of Platt's voice calling out to him. Standing at the top of the stairs, huffing and puffing, she looked rather annoyed that she had to climb up the flight of stairs just to pass a message since no one upstairs were answering her calls.

"You've got a visitor!" she panted and turned back down to make her way down the steps she had just climbed, without giving Voight as much of an indication who the visitor was.

As he walked through the security gate at the bottom of the stairs, he had spotted his visitors, fidgeting nervously by Platt's desk.

 _Bunny_

She was looking around the station nervously, turning heads, left and right, as if to avoid someone. It was probably due to that fact that she's worried about what he'd say to her since he practically kicked her out of Chicago. He contemplated for a split second if turning back around and going straight up was a better idea than dealing with the drama that is Bunny but he was one second too late, she had already spotted him.

"Hank!" Bunny called out, "We need to talk." her face was stern, making her way towards him and went straight to business.

There can only be one explanation for her being here and that's because she needs money. He just hope Erin hadn't listened to her. He knows no matter how many times he try to talk her out of getting involved with Bunny, Erin will somehow manage to get herself back with her mother. And now that she's vulnerable, she's, once again, an easy prey.

"Have you forgotten what I told you, Bunny? Stay away from Erin and get the hell out of my city." he seethed.

"Seriously, Hank? Let's please just act civil for once."

He snickered at the unintentional pun and Bunny frowned, her gaze an unspoken question. "You wanna act all civil now, huh? If I remembered correctly, you had a pretty interesting choice of words the last time we spoke."

Simply ignoring what he had just said, she clicked her tongue and twisted the rings on her fingers, choosing her words carefully since she had promised her daughter that she wouldn't tell a soul or say a word of her pregnancy. "It's about Erin. I'm worried about her."

She's pregnant and drinking.

She've tried but she alone cannot help her daughter. She don't know what to do or how to stop Erin from drinking.

She've tried but every time she tries to snatch the bottle of vodka out of her hand, Erin fired back with triple the hate.

Erin's right; she's not one to teach her what's right from wrong since she, herself, was an alcoholic. She had spent most of Erin's childhood drunk. She can't even really remember Erin as child. As selfish as it sound, that couldn't be any further from the truth.

Alcohol was what she was exposed to. It was what they were both exposed to. Her mother had an alcohol problem too and so did _her_ mother. No wonder Erin's following in her footsteps. It's in her DNA.

He scratched the top of his head, he was now definitely confused to Bunny's true intentions. The twenty plus years he've known her, she've never been the one to care about anyone, even her children, but herself.  
"Have you been drinking? Erin? You're worried about your daughter?...Let me get this straight, we're taking about the same Erin you left all alone for weeks on end just so you could get high?"

Bunny stared at him disapprovingly, her hands on her hips, "Last time I checked she's my daughter. My flesh and blood."  
"She may be biologically yours but Camille and I were more of a parent to her than you've ever been in her entire life."

"Can you stop it! You've already taken my daughter away from me. What else do you want for me?" she snapped, the raised tone of her voice caused several eyes to look at them.  
"Bunny, if money is what-"

"I know what happened to her..." she interrupted him before he could finish the sentence she heard one too many times, "...to my baby. She told me everything the other night, everything that sick bastard did to her. I'm worried for her, Hank. You know as well as I do that Erin is a strong, independent woman but one can only take so much. I can't believe I'm saying this, she listens to you...please talk to her." she cried and that was the first time Voight actually saw genuine tears rushing down her cheeks.

But then again, it's Barbara Fletcher that's standing before him. She's a great actress who can definitely cry on cue.

"I am a horrible mother. I know there's no excuse for my actions but I love my daughter very much. I love her. I don't want her to end up like me. You gotta help her. She's killing herself…"


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

For the past three days since having done what she had done, Erin haven't left the confines of her apartment. Though Voight have went to see her and practically tried to force her out of the apartment, she simply refused to step out of her front door. She felt disgusting and ashamed.

He knew something was up. He knew she was drinking. She can see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes; it was the same look he gave her when she had handed him her badge and gun over a year ago. Now, she was back to that broken woman, she was once again crawling into that black hole.

Downing the remnants of her leftover vodka from this morning, she tried her best to forget her indiscretion. She had sex with Adam Ruzek. He's Jay's best friend. He was like a little brother to her. She had slept with her brother. _How low can she get?_

Tonight, after a very long day of scrubbing her home for what seemed like the third time, she went to bed early or tried to at the very least but with her mind racing at the despicable act she had committed, it was difficult to do just that.

 _"How could you let that happen, Er?"_ she heard a voice say _, "How could you throw yourself at another man?"_

Immediately tears started flowing in torrents, she had just committed the ultimate betrayal. Sleeping with another man. But the fact that he wasn't just any other man made her feel even worse. He was no stranger, he was Jay's best friend. Her indiscretion was like another slap on the face at her ridiculous reality, her life, her being, her entire existence was a lame excuse. There was no reason for it, she simply shouldn't have done that. Once Jay finds out, he will leave her without a shadow of doubt and she knew it.

 _"Erin, don't tell him. He's fragile. What good would it do in telling him you had sex with Adam Ruzek at the backseat of his car?!"_ the voice shouted at her, talking some sense into her innocent haze. She sighed, agreeing with the voice. It'll be for the best. Their relationship was already in the verge of falling apart.

 _"Why are you still crying? C'mon stop acting like a baby and think about tomorrow."_

There was no point in crying. She willingly made that choice. She willingly ravaged his mouth. She willingly opened her legs for him. Though she regretted what she had done, there was nothing she can do about it anymore. Just like the voice had said; think about tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be the day. The day the spawn will be sucked out of her.

Fourteen weeks and fours days old

Tomorrow she will be saying goodbye to something that is barely even the size of her palms.

She can't wait for tomorrow.

.

 _I woke up in an unfamiliar surrounding, feeling lighter than I have ever felt in months. Confused, I prop myself up on my elbows and look around the unfamiliarity._

 _By the ocean._

 _I hear the sound of waves crashing and indulge in the scent of the sand and sea as the sun shone through the windows of my all-white surroundings._

 _A bedroom._

 _Smiling, I stretched my limbs and settle my back against the many pillows that covered the king size bed I was on. I must be in a beach house._

 _But why?_

 _And whose?_

 _Just then, the door opened and my attention was pried away as a beautiful little girl in a sparkling baby pink dress ran towards me._

 _"Good morning!" her little voice chimed._

 _"Good morning, sweet pea!" I replied, having no clue who she was. I have never seen her before. She did not look familiar to me nor did she sound any familiar._

 _So who can she be?_

 _What is she doing here?_

 _And where are her parents?_

 _All I know for certain is that she is simply breathtaking, the most gorgeous and beautiful girl I have ever seen. I have never laid eyes on such beauty. To me, she looks stunning, magnificent, majestic even._

 _She looked at me with her glistening hazel eyes and with a smile that could certainly light up a room. "Can I climb in bed with you?" she asked._

 _I still do not know who she is or how she got in here or where her parents are but I was more than happy to let her snuggle with me. "Sure." I chuckled and lift the covers. I reached out for the child and she quickly climb into bed, snuggling close to my chest._

 _Nuzzling into her long caramel locks that oddly resembled mine, I inhale the familiar vanilla as she held onto me like her life depended on me._

 _"Mommy, why do you hate me?"_

 _Perplexed, I froze. I wasn't even breathing. I wasn't even blinking. I wasn't even moving. Not in the slightest. Not even the slight twitch or quaver. Not even a quarter of an inch. I was in shock._

 _Mommy?_

 _"What did you just call me?"_

 _Looking up at me with her huge, glossy hazel eyes, I watch as the corners of her lips trembled into a frown. She looked ever so pitiful as she tried to scrub the tears that flowed down her chubby cheeks with her tiny palms. It was then that I saw the death defying resemblance._

 _Her hazel eyes._

 _Those pair of unforgettable hollow hazels. A nightmare. A memory. An unfortunate past that she must be the product of._

 _Carlos Solis._

 _"It wasn't my fault, mommy. Please don't hurt me, mommy. Please." she wept, grabbing onto my shirt, hugging me even tighter and sank her head further into my chest as she shook with each agonising sobs. "I love you, mommy. Please love me too."_

 _I sat so still, still barely breathing and was beyond dumbfounded as a crying toddler, my toddler, continued to blub uncontrollably on my chest. I can feel her warm tears burning the pallid of my skin. My heart exploded with guilt as my baby begged me to spare her life._

 _"I...", with trembling hands I reach out to brush her long caramel hair with my fingers, "It'll be alright." I smiled at my baby and rocked her to soothe her anguished cries._

 _"Sweetheart, I'm home!"_

 _._

Just that quickly, Erin jolted awake. Her hands immediately went down to her small, but now slightly prominent swell. Almost immediately after finding out she was with child, her belly doubled in size.

She sat quietly on her bed in the dark with her hand on her bump. That was when she felt the slight flutter as the 14 weeks and five days old foetus shifted ever so slightly in the confines of her body.

"No..."

Tears started to fill her eyes until they cascaded down her face, she couldn't hold it any longer. The realisation of an actual life living, growing and breathing inside of her consumed her consciousness and suddenly after weeks of being so sure of her decision, she now doubted the very thought. She couldn't end _it's_ life. _It's_ a human being that's half hers.

But she couldn't have _it_.

She was so sure of it. So sure that she couldn't shelter _it_ with the love _it_ needs. But the hurt, anger and frustration had consumed her every being and that was the only reason that had prompted her to abort. Never did she even thought of the fact that _it_ has feelings or the fact that _it_ could, very possibly, feel pain.

Why would she?

She never wanted _it_ in the first place. She never wanted _it_ to be conceived the way _it_ did. She never wanted _it's_ father.

So why was she feeling so differently about _it_ right now?

Wanting _it_ , claiming _it_ as hers would only mean she accepted what _it's_ father did to her. _It_ was an unspeakable shame, a disgrace, a complete mistake that never should've happened, that no one would want, love, and shelter. Erin would be doing _it_ a favour by having an abortion.

Right or wrong, moral or immoral, it was the right decision for the baby, she had to do it.

"I'm so sorry." she cried, wrapping her arms around her small belly and again felt what she had dreaded.

 _A flutter_

"Please stop it." Rubbing the expanse of her belly with her shaky hands to calm it's flutters, she was freaking out, the sacs in her lungs threatened to close. _It_ wasn't listening to her and continued to move with every contact she made.

"You can't do this to me!" she yelled, "I know you're innocent in all this mess but...you just really can't stay...You can't. Please understand that." she sobbed with a hand on her stomach as she drifted back to sleep.

"I can't give you what you need..."

Erin wasn't talking about the expenses a child bares nor she was talking about providing the child with shelter and education as she was very much capable of all that. She has a stable job, an apartment of her own and enough money in her bank account to provide _it_ with whatever _it_ wants. What she was talking about was _love_.

She cannot love _it,_ can she?

 _It_ was created with so much hate.

* * *

 _ **What do you think? Should she abort the baby? I'd love to know your thoughts. Thanks for reading!**_


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

He was looking out the window of his apartment. That's what it seemed like to the rest of the world. Though he couldn't see anything but darkness, he hoped that the view remained the same as he remembered. Even if it did change, he would never know.

The sun was shining for the first time in weeks. The rays were protruding the skin on his face, warming his cold exterior. He basked, for the first time, in the pleasant atmosphere.

He wished he was given the opportunity to be prepared for the darkness, before the light in his eyes turned off.

The knock on his door brought him out of his thoughts and his head snapped right, to where the sound came from.

"Sorry. Did I startled you?" Will sounded remorseful and Jay simply shook his head in response.

Though he was very much against his elder brother's decision of taking a few weeks of leave to care for him, he too was grateful. He didn't have anyone else but Will. However, he sure didn't want to be of a bother since he now was rendered useless. He could bare even walk let alone do anything around the apartment. He couldn't cook for himself, use the toilet or take a shower by himself. Every time Will had to assist him, he'd apologise, feeling so embarrassed and guilty that he was putting his brother in such position. So much so that he'd keep it in until he couldn't hold it any longer.

Why couldn't he have just died?

Even when Will insisted that he didn't mind at all, he didn't believe him.

He's a burden, a burden that need to be rid of. He needs to be gone. He's useless. Nobody needs him anymore.

Erin doesn't.

Suicide suddenly looked oh-so good to him.

"Erin called." Jay heard his brother's footsteps sauntered against the tiles as he walked into his bedroom, "Again." Will informed. He doesn't like the way he have been treating Erin. It wasn't her fault. He have tried to talk some sense into his baby brother but, just like him, he has got one thick skull.

Jay sighed. He knows she've been calling Will every single day to check up on him. As promised, she had granted his wish and haven't spoken or visited him in days.

Eight days.

He haven't heard her voice in eight days.

"You need to talk to her, Jay. You can't do this to her. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. It's not fair."

"It's not fair? What about me?" he questioned, "I'm the one who's blind for Christ's sake!" he reiterated.

Will rolled his eyes, tired of his brothers' sulky attitude. "I know! Don't you think we all know that by now!" he shouted.

Enraged, Jay balled his hands into fists. Knowing Jay like the back of his hand, he knew he was holding back tears. With his hunched shoulders, he felt ever so wretched. "I'm sorry, Jay. I shouldn't have said that...I guess what I'm trying to say is, you need her just as much as she needs you." Will said.

Having accidentally stumbled upon a paramedics' report last week with Erin Lindsay as the patients' name, he immediately went to Natalie who was the doctor on call that day and confirmed him of the devastating words he had read on her papers.

 _Female_

 _Early thirties_

 _Low BP_

 _hCG levels of 13,600 mIU/ml_

Erin's approximately 13 weeks pregnant and he didn't know whether or not he should be the one telling his brother. It wasn't his place to tell but then again, it doesn't seem like Jay had any plans to talk to Erin again.

Though Jay will be utterly devastated, not that she was pregnant, but because of what she had to go through to be pregnant.

He will understand that it wasn't any of her doing, she didn't asked to be impregnate by that sick rapist. He's compassionate, he's understanding.

"Jay, there's something I need to tell you..."

* * *

Eleven days have passed since Erin found out about her heartbreaking news from Dr. Manning and she was now fourteen weeks and five days pregnant.

Walking into the abortion centre referred by Chicago Med with Kim by her side, she felt as if she could pass out at any second. Both physically and mentally, she was a wreck; her eyes were swollen and sore, having spent the entire morning sobbing like her world was coming to end. As told, she wore comfortable clothing; sweatpants and a sweater that were once loose fitting.

The moment they walked in, they were both hit by the overwhelming feeling of dread and guilt. The eerie silence was so defeating that she felt like she was about to explode. They walk up to the reception counter, sitting behind was a woman in a swivel chair and a pencil between her lips. She was typing away quickly on her keyboard with a corded phone held tight between her ear and shoulder.

"Umm excuse me?" Kim cleared her throat, helping her friend who was clearly in no condition to speak.

"Mhmm yes. Just give me a sec." she held her index finger up and they both took a step back, looking around the clinic that was filled with women just like Erin.

Pregnant

Confused

Some were hardly even showing while others were just like her, with a tiny bump hanging at the lower end of their stomach.

A long corridor that led to two separate ways at the end hung a dimly lighted light. Something definitely out of a movie, Kim had thought.

Kim, herself, felt deathly nervous and she wasn't the one here for the procedure. If she was feeling this way, she can only imagine what Erin must be going through.

Noticing Erin's shaking hands on her lap, she grab hold of her icy fingers and laced them with hers, giving her a tight squeeze.

"It's going to be ok."

Erin felt her soul was crawling out of her body. If only Kim knew what she had done, she wouldn't be here, holding her hands, supporting her through this very tough time. Selfishly, she didn't want to be alone so she let her call in sick for work today, still only thinking of herself. Like three nights ago when she allowed lust to take hold of her body.

.

When Kim Burgess woke up this morning, she didn't expect to be having an eventful day. She simply expected to be going in and out of work and hopefully not running into Adam in the process.

But as she drove herself to work, having past Erin's apartment, she decided to check on her friend as she literally haven't heard from her in weeks. Stopping by a café to pick up some breakfast before continuing with her journey.

On the fifth knock, as the door flung open, was when her breath was literally taken away. Her eyes widen into saucers and landed straight on Erin's small round. The cups of coffee and the box of muffins slipped past her fingers, the force of gravity caused the breakfast to fall onto the ground.

"Oh my God, you're pregnant..."

Amidst the haze of deep alcohol slumber, getting the freaking door open and stopping the loud pounding from echoing in the four walls of her apartment, she had stupidly forgot to put on a robe to hide her growing stomach.

"Erin Lindsay, please proceed to room 3."

It was hours before she heard her name being called and her heart fell to the floor when the thing inside yet again moved. The whole morning leading up to that moment, the moment her name was blasted, _it_ never presented itself.

Shakily, she rose from the seat she had taken and turn to her friend, still never eyeing her.

"I can't to this." she whispered.

"Hey..." Kim quickly wrapped her arms around Erin who, not surprisingly, was bawling. She knew she was beyond frightened. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to...whatever decision you make, I'm here."

Somehow she had managed to will herself to walk to the doctors' office and was now laying on a bed with a hospital gown on and her feet rested on the above stirrups. She couldn't recall the hours that must have passed; now that she was at the final part, the actual aborting.

"...the foetus is removed and as a result of the process the foetus dies..."

Fully aware that the doctor, Dr. S. Mayer, was explaining her the process she was about to partake, she simply stared, terrorised, at all the shiny instruments laying in front of her. Instruments that will be shoved inside of her.

Having done zero to none amount of research since she was too terrified to acknowledge the horrid truth of the procedure, she knew somehow, deep down, once she knew, she couldn't get herself to continue.

"Erin, please relax..."

No matter how many times she've tried to relax, she couldn't. Especially now that Dr. S. Mayer was right between her legs.

The instant the tools cling together, the moment she picked up the dilator, Erin knew the foetus had heard it too.

The thing was doing it again.

"I can't do this." she cried, closing her legs and immediately hopping off the table.

Dr. Mayer looked unfazed, she must have seen this sort of indecisiveness thousands of times.

"It's ok, Erin. I understand that you're nervous. I can give you a few more minutes if you want to re-evaluate your decision or I can reschedule you for another appointment. But you have to remember, you don't have much time, you're already at the beginning of your second trimester and almost fifteen weeks. I do not perform abortions beyond the sixteenth week."

Erin stopped and was silent as her tears fell in torrents. She couldn't understand why _it_ was doing this to her. With each flutter, _it_ consumed her conscience. Each flutter was a sign that there was a life inside of her.

Flutter

 _It_ was practically screaming at her to spare _it's_ life.

It was almost as if _it_ knows and was trying to stop the abortion from happening.

"I'm so sorry. I just...I need a moment to use the bathroom." she finally spoke and quickly power walked to the bathroom across the hall.

Her nerves were definitely getting the best of her as her stomach churned and twisted, she was starting to doubt her very decision. If only _it_ hadn't moved, she wouldn't have to think twice.

The second she burst open the door to the bathroom, the contents of her stomach immediately spilled and she heaved into the toilet.

Once she was done, she leaned her back against the door behind her and slid all the way to the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs and dropping her head onto her knees.

Why?

Was the question she kept asking herself?

Why should she have a conscience?

"You can do this, Erin." she told herself. Her lips started to tremble as she knew she couldn't and tears fell yet again. With her hands shaking like crazy, she attempted to clear her hair off her stained face.

Again, she was at a crossroad. She wanted to do it but at the same time, she didn't.  
Rubbing the expense of her belly, she tried calming _it_ but to no avail. _It_ was just as stubborn as her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." she frantically whispered over and over again. "Please stop it...Please forgive me...I'm doing this for your own good."

Was she?

"Please, just go to sleep." she begged, still rubbing her belly in the hopes _it'll_ hear her, _it's_ mother's voice.

Just like that, the flutters stopped and Erin finally smiled down at her tummy, content with the thing inside. With immense apprehension, she slowly got up from the cold, tile floor and made her way back to the small operating theatre.

"I'm ready."

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading! Do you think she'll abort it?**_


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." she frantically whispered over and over again. "Please stop it...Please forgive me...I'm doing this for your own good."

Was she?

"Please, just go to sleep." she begged, still rubbing her belly in the hopes _it'll_ hear her, _it's_ mother's voice.

Just like that, the flutters stopped and Erin finally smiled down at her tummy, content with the thing inside. With immense apprehension, she slowly got up from the cold, tile floor and made her way back to the small operating theatre.

"I'm ready."

Although she knew those words were a lie, it still somehow fell from her lips.

This time as she laid back onto the table, the doctor went as far as to finally inserting the dilators into her cervix to start the dilation for the aspiration.

Crying out in pain, she never thought in a million years, she'd be getting an abortion. But then again, she never thought she would be raped or pregnant.

Bitting her lips, she tried holding back tears but as the doctor was about to insert another dilator to stretch out her cervix, _it_ fluttered.

 _It_ was begging her stop.

"STOP!" she demanded and Dr. S. Mayer pulled out the small dilatator out of her.

"I can't do it! I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have come!" Erin cried and got off the table, hurrying across the room, with great pain in her nether region, to grab her bag and clothes.

"Erin, stop."

"I'm sorry!" she apologised one last time before running out of the operating theatre with the gown she've been wearing and kept running down the dimly lighted corridor, past Kim and the other women at the waiting area and the reception counter and continued to run even when she was already out the doors of the centre. She ran until she couldn't, until she reached the parking lot where she continued to sob in misery. Ignoring the amount of men and women staring in shock, Kim and the medical personnels calling after her, her mind was racing and her baby was screaming at her.

She didn't know what to do.

* * *

Little did she know of the one particular pair of eyes watching her. An old friend, a foe, the father of her child, watched tentatively as she ran into a car and sobbed uncontrollably.

"She killed him..." he said in disbelief. His son, his blood, his only family. She had gotten rid of his heir.

"Erin, wait!"

A brunette ran after her and got into the black Audi. For a moment, she just stared at mother of his dead child, seemingly having said something and in respond, the bitch nodded.

A confirmation.

He took that as a yes, that the baby was gone.

Kim Burgess

A beat cop and a good friend of a murderer.

Since Kim Burgess was comforting her like the betrayal that killer committed three days prior didn't happen, that can only mean she was playing her for a fool.

Yes. He was there.

He watched her that night. He watched as she climbed on top of that fool, as she allowed another man to ravage her, to spill inside of her.

The skin on his knuckles turned white as he tightened his grip on the wheels of his Porsche. He was going to teach her a listen.

If only she knew of the trouble that lies ahead.

If only he knew she couldn't get herself to end an innocent life.

* * *

"Look, Mike, look, just give me one more week...I know I know it's been two months...ok just a few more days..." Bunny continued screaming into her phone at the bar she was at.

The fact that she was screaming even when the bartender begged her to keep it down did not faze her. She didn't care. She needed her loan shark to give her a few more weeks, if not, days to find a way to pay him back.

A tall, tan, muscular customer walked into the bar with a mission. He was going to get back at her in the worst way possible. He's going to make her pay, make her regret her decision of ending his child's life.

As he looked across the dim atmosphere, he saw who he was looking for and sat in a barstool right next to hers.

What better way to get back at her than to get close with the family? Her only family.

"I'LL GET THE MONEY! I'LL GET THE MONEY! I PROMISE!...NOT TODAY...I'VE GOT A LOT GOING ON! MY DAUGHTER...HELLO? HELLO?!" the guy on the other end had hung up, leaving her frightened for her life.

With all the frustration building up, Bunny immediately tossed the contraption, cellphone, across the room, causing a few eyes to gawk at her questionably. "Shit!" she exhaled.

"Excuse me, ma'am!" he greeted.

"Ma'am?! What century did you crawl out of!" she turned around, annoyed that some stranger had the audacity to call her old but was instead in awe the instant she laid eyes on him, the dashing prince sitting right next to her, nursing his scotch. "Oh, why hello..." she flashed a toothy grin at the complete stranger.

He can't help but mentally rolled his eyes. She was practically drooling at his feet. Just like her daughter had, it was that easy. Like mother; like daughter. He already had her where he wanted, right in the palm of his hands.

"You've got gorgeous eyes. Did anyone ever told you that?!" her voice was in a low, seductive tone as she will fully roamed his thighs. Seducing the man with what she knew all her life. May be she could get him to help her pay her debt. Judging by his Salvatore Feregamo crisp suit, she knew he was more than well off.

"Thank you, ma'am."

"Bunny. My name's Bunny." she extended her arm out for a handshake but instead, he took her hand in his, tilt it slightly and brought it to his lips as a courtesy. He knew women dig chivalry.

"Oh! And a gentleman."

He chuckled. "I can't help but overhear that you're having troubles with money. I might be of assistance, Bunny."

Bunny nodded, desperate to end her quarter of a million dollars debt. At this point of desperation, she didn't care of the dangers of dealing with complete strangers. She didn't want to go to hell tonight since she knew that was where she was headed if she didn't repay Mike by midnight tonight.

"But I need you to do something for me as well..."

* * *

"Sergeant." a young blooded rookie knocked lightly on Hank Voight's door and took a step back, waiting for an authorisation before entering.

"What is it?" Voight asked without even prying his concentration out of the papers he had on his desk.

"I have a package, Sir."

He pointed at the free space on the left corner of his desk, still not looking up at the frightened rookie. "Just leave it on my desk."

Like every single rookie at the 21st District, if not so the entire CPD, Officer White was deathly terrified of Sergeant Voight. He didn't want to be the one to pass him the package but Sergeant Platt was adamant to not walk up the flight of stair.

"Sir, umm, I think you should look at it now. It was left outside, addressed to the Intelligence Unit, Sir. No return or senders' address...Sir." the young officer nervously said, mentally cursing at himself for the amount of 'sir' he had just used.

He almost lost it when Voight slowly pulled out the glasses he was wearing and set them on his desk, finally looking directly at him. Hearing stories about the infamous 'dirty cop' from the community, he knows better than to get on the older man's nerves.

"Great work, rookie." Voight said as he stood from his chair and reached out for the manila envelope. Pleased to see that the young officer had taken measures to not contaminate a possible evidence and had used latex glove.

"Good job." Voight nodded and looked down at the envelope before him.

Officer White smiled, "Thank you, Sir." he said, proud to have please his superior. And left the Sergeant alone in his office.

 _'Intelligence Unit'_ was inked on the front side of the brown envelope. The black, neatly written handwriting looked familiar to him. He knew he've seen it somewhere.

Just like that, a lightbulb popped in his head and he figured where he had seen that particular writing. It was the exact same handwriting in the notes found on the both bodies at both crimes scenes. Emma Bouchet and Emily Thorne were holding a note in their rigorous hands.

Storming out of his office, he immediately went to the white board to confirm his suspension. Sure enough, to his naked eyes, it was a match. He'll know for certain once CSU confirms the match.

"We got a possible lead." he held up the envelope to his team as they gathered around him. He managed to put on a glove before opening the flaps. Inside was a USB flash drive with a yet again another handwritten note.

 _'Enjoy'_

"Mouse." Voight handed him the flash drive to plug into a port in his computer as the rest of the team gathered around, curious to what it contained.

As expected, a folder popped up with only one file attached to it.

A video.

Never should Mouse have double clicked on that file. It would've been in the best interest of everyone at the Unit. Immediately as he realised the two adults in that recording, he scrambled to click the 'x' on the right corner of the page. The team was more than shocked and averted their glances but they couldn't dispel from what they were listening to.

Moaning.

"Shit!" Adam cursed. He knew he was over. Voight was going to end him. "MOUSE!"

"I'm trying!" Mouse frantically pressed the keys on his keyboard to stop the haunting images from playing as both his colleagues continued with the _X rated_ act they were performing.

Just then the computer screen turned pitch black as Olinsky unplugged the socket from the main power. A rush of relief surge through the team.

"Is this some sorta joke!"

Slowly in disbelief of what they had just watched with their own eyes, all heads were turned to a clearly distraught Adam. He simply looked down at his lap, "I, I can explain." he stuttered.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

Standing in front of her full length mirror in her bedroom, Erin can't help but think she've made the dumbest mistake in her entire life of walking, no running, out of that clinic with _it_ still in her.

Well, other than sleeping with Adam Ruzek, this was a close second.

She lifted the hem of her shirt and shivered when her fingers brushed the skin on her swell. Daring not to look at the bump right in front of her.

"I don't know what your future holds or whether you'll even have one and...I'm sorry." she whispered to _it_ as _it_ began to flutter.

Having got caught up in all the emotions this morning, she stupidly didn't think any of this through.

What was she going to do now?

She still didn't want _it_. She still hated _it's_ very existence. _It_ didn't deserve her conscience. If it weren't for the fact that _it_ moved this morning, right now she would be tearing up for a whole other reason.

"To be honest, I don't even know what my future holds. I could die today or tomorrow or the day after that. And you'll be gone along with me." she chuckled.

Running out of that centre was a mistake. She should've marched out of that bathroom and did it without much of a second thought. At least that way, all of her problems will be solved.

She couldn't raise another man's child. A rapist child. She knew she couldn't. She knew she will resent _it_ for the rest of _it's_ life. And it wouldn't be fair to _it_. Though she clearly already resented _it_ , she was just too much of a coward to go through the abortion.

"Or...maybe the reason I can't...do it is because in my heart I know you deserve a chance...You were right; it wasn't your fault." she choked as tears began to spill.

Just then a sudden knock on the door took her by surprise and she froze. She wasn't expecting anyone especially not at this hour.

She quickly edged closer to the front door, frightened. There was still a mad man out to get her. "Who is it?"

"It's Will." the familiar voice behind the door called out and she sighed in relief.

The door made several clicking sounds before it came undone and when she opened it, she was in an even more shock to see him there, in his wheelchair, looking as handsome as ever with his auburn curls sleek back.

By just looking at him, she had forgotten the months worth of pain and hoped this surprise visit wasn't one to further hurt her or ruin her already horrendous day. She don't think she can't take any more heartbreak.

"Can we come in?" Will asked. Erin wrenched the door even wider for the wheelchair to fit through the frame as Will wheeled Jay to the centre of her living around.

Picking clothes after clothes from her floor, she chuckled lightly, embarrassed that Will had to see her apartment in such condition. "Sorry about the mess. I didn't have anything to wear."

"No worries. I'm leaving anyway. Jay has something to say to you." he said, hurrying back to her front door and left, leaving her no chance to protest. Although she was very much in joy at being at Jay's presence, she was just frightened for the truth since his words, last time they spoke, had hurt her so tremendously.

Sighing, "What you wanna talk about?" she sat down on the nearby couch since her feet ached from the marathon she practically ran today.

Her voice. The raspy echo, one might not ravish in but he did, he absolutely loved how she sounds. _Sexy_. It was like music to his ears.

He put both hands on the arm rests of his wheelchair, and slowly pushed his feet off the footing to pull himself up and onto his feet.

"Whoa! Jay!"

He can hear the scuffles of her slippers against her wooden tiles as she hurried to his aid. He knew she was freaking out.

"What do you think you're doing?" Erin shouted. She definitely did not want a repeat of all last time. Watching him crumple to the ground at the hospital was the absolute worst thing she had to witness.

He put a hand on her forearm, her hands were tightly clutching onto his biceps to ensure his safety. "It's ok, Er. I can do this." he reassured.

Letting him go, she watched as he slowly but surely stood on his own two feet. How she wished he could see the ginormous smile plastered on her face at his accomplishment. She knew in no time, he wouldn't be using that silly wheelchair anymore.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry." he repeated. Standing still and looking straight ahead, he hoped he was face-to-face with the woman he loves.

A pause that seemed like forever. A pause as she held back tears. A pause to clarify what she had just heard. She must be dreaming since, to be honest, she truly was expecting to be dumped tonight.

Though he couldn't actually see her, he knew she was crying. Every hitched breath she took, he knew she was trying to hold back tears. She was trying to stay strong, to not break at his presence.

 _But why?_

She is the strongest person in this entire universe and even a billion times tougher than him. While he cowardly sulk in his own misery, she was trying her best to recover from her nightmares and what Carlos had done to her.

 _What Will had told him..._

She was raped.

He opened his arms to her and she willingly wrapped her arms around his torso, sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. "I'm so sorry, Jay."  
"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about. I was a fool for treating you the way I did. I am the one who should be sorry. Please forgive me, babe."

All that she had done was forgotten.

His firm hand grasped around her waist and he anchored her against him. She breathed in his scent, letting the familiarity calm her. As she fist at the sides of his shirt, she pushed closer into him.

She will never let him go.

If she could, she would give up anything and everything for them to stay like this forever. His strong arms lovingly around her small frame, holding her with so much love.

The small protruding bump nudged at his lower abdomen while he embraced her trembling body. Will was right; she really is pregnant. The foetus inside was not his but a product of rape. Spears of guilt stabbed his heart, he failed her.

He couldn't protect her.

"Erin?" he called out softly.

With his fingers, he gently tilted her chin upwards. So sure that this time, this time as he finally accepted his fate, he would be looking at her beautiful face. But it was darkness he was staring back at.

His bloodshot eyes was still frantically searching for hers. Only calming down at the feel of her soft touch as she caressed his cheek. "I'm here." she whispered.

"Can I touch your face?"

She reach out to grab hold of his rough hands and rested them on either sides of her face. With his fingertips, he laced down the expense of her cheekbones, her eyelids and lips, wiping off the tears that had cascaded down the her cheeks. And she melt with his every touch. Every inch of her face was just as he remembered.

His thumb lightly brushed her lips before his hand settled on the curve of her neck and he pulled the band that held her hair, sending caramel waves tumbling down her face. Hair that he could never see but could touch and smell.

Vanilla

He knows she looks breathtaking.

Jay moved his head closer to hers, hesitating a breath away from her lips. "I love you, Erin."  
"I love you so much more, Jay." she whispered achingly.

The closure of space around their lips, her breath on his lips, the electricity between them signalling for him to lean in for a kiss. His stubble scrapped her cheek as he captured her lips in a sensual kiss. A kiss so soft and gentle, she barely felt it. But it still sent shivers of tortuous bliss down her spine.

He was sliding his hand down to her hips when her hands halted his. "Jay, please don't..." she tried squirming out of his hold, not wanting him to touch _it_ but he still managed to hold her in place.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I should've been there for you, Er." he cried. He didn't want to be mad tonight but he couldn't help it. The thought of all the abuse she went through sent fire surging through his entire body.

He's going to kill him.

 _But how can he?_

He's blind.

She felt his body tense up against hers. "It's not your fault...You're here now. That's all that matters."

She did not want him to beat himself up for something he had no control over.

"I'm so sorry." he repeated once more, resting his forehead on top of her head. His heart was thudding as madly as hers. She could feel it beneath the palm of her hand resting against his chest.

This was real. This time she wasn't dreaming.

Feeling his warm tears on the skin of her forehead, she cried tears of joy. Bunny was right all along. Now that he knows of _it_ , he didn't hate her as she had expected. Instead, he was accepting of _it_.

"Shh..." she soothed, rubbing his hunched shoulders.

They ended up going to bed after a long while of being locked in each other's arms, an embrace that was insatiable, an embrace they both had yearned for.

All the standing had exhaust him and Jay was now fast asleep on her bed. She cuddled herself in his arms, his free hand on her swell and she smile. For the first time in forever, she felt warm, protected and safe.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

 **A month or so later…**

Her lips parted in a silent whisper. Floating thoughts rummaged through her head as she sprinted out the door. She couldn't scream. Terrified, the protest trapped in her throat. A passel of dread and fear coagulated her blood, making the movements in her veins slothful and wearisome.

He quietly beckoned for her in the dark like a huntsman searching for its prey, "Where are you, sweetheart?"

"Come out, come out wherever you are, sweetheart." his voice stretched out each and every syllable as if he were playing a simple game of hide-and-seek.

She could feel the earth beneath her bare feet as she continued running. She cannot die like this, not today, and definitely not in _his_ hands. She bit her bottom lip so hard that the warm metallic sting of her own blood seeped into her tastebuds. Tears streamed down her face as her entire life flashed right before her eyes. Her mom, her dad, her friends, colleagues, and most of all the love of her life.

Hiding beneath the house she had just escaped out of, she held back sobs to keep herself from making even the slightest of sounds. At hearing the creaking of his weight against the wooden floorboards above, she pressed her hands to her mouth.

He was now right above her.

She huddled her body deeper into the dirt ground, hoping she would be less noticeable that way. The cold Chicago breeze brushed against her wounded skin. Her arms and legs stung as the dirt seeped into the knife cuts he had caused her earlier.

She needed to get out of here _alive_.

To think that less than ten hours ago, she had just gotten out of a night shift, had drinks with a couple of friends, and was on her way back home. But now, ten hours later, she was here; fighting for her life. Never did she thought that today, out of all the possible days, she would be in survival mode. Trying her best to recall the moments after their goodbyes at the bar, she couldn't, everything after that was a complete blur.

"Sweetheart!" the sick bastard called out. He sounded close, closer than he had been. Footsteps made it's way out of the porch and onto the gravelly path. The rocks crunching under his shoes echoed and she let out a small whimper as more tears stained her face.

She was completely mortified.

About ten minutes ago, she had woken up in a bed that wasn't hers, in a room she didn't recognise, and with a throbbing skull that felt like someone had ran her over.

She had creeped out of the bedroom and tiptoed down the corridor to the living room. There he was, on the couch with his back facing her. All she had to do now was not to get caught but with her luck, she knew it was impossible.

The high pitch creak of a loose floorboard sent her dashing for the front door. She knew it. But he was quicker and lunged at her, crashing his weight on top of her.

"Where do you think you're going?" he smiled, a sinister smile.

To her complete unknowing, he had a knife in his left hand and immediately sank the blade into her thigh. She screamed as the pain shot through her entire body but it was cut short when his other hand began squeezing her throat.

Gasping for air, her arms flailed wildly, scratching and clawing at his grip, but to no avail. In her final attempt to not slip into unconsciousness, she grab hold of the knife that was in her thigh, braced herself for the indescribable pain, yanked it out and plunged it into his shoulder. All in one swift motion.

"You stupid bitch!" he seethed. When she felt his grip loosen around her neck, she smashed her elbow into his face, twice, stunning him, before punching him hard, smashing his nose, sending blood pouring down his face.

Scrambling from beneath him, she quickly got to her feet. Coughing for the air her lungs craved. She held onto the table beside her for support, stifling a cry at the intense pain in her leg as blood started gushing and she limped her way out of the haunted house.

Having thought she had just escaped, she paused momentarily; finding herself in the middle of nowhere. She looked around and saw nothing. Nothing but a few trees on the empty plain. She felt a sob caught in her throat as her plan of running to a neighbour's house for help quickly died down. There was nothing around her except land and there was certainly nowhere to hide. He could definitely spot her for miles and miles on end. Going on instinct, she ran around the house, looking for a car. It was then that she heard him call out to her and she knew she hadn't got time.

"Where are you, sweetheart?"

Frantically looking around for a place to hide, she noticed that the porch was a couple of feet off the ground. It would be a tight fit but she had to try.

"Come out, come out wherever you are, sweetheart!" he called out, "You can't hide from me forever."

"I know you're scared but you gotta see it in my point of view...that bitch killed _him_." he explained. She bit the skin on her knuckles to keep  
herself from crying out. Her mind was scrambling into pieces, she had no clue what or who he's talking about.

She tried to stay deathly still but with the icy weather it was hard not to shiver. Her eyes followed the red soles of his leather designer shoes as he wondered around the porch. The bustling wind against the serene atmosphere echoed before the front door slammed shut. But that tranquility was short lived when she heard his voice again. With her eyes closed, she silently sobbed. She knew he wasn't ever going to stop.

"She killed our child and she needs to know how it feels."

She opened her eyes to see his hazel ones right in front of hers. Startled, she attempted to scream but her voice seemed lost. Pulling herself further down the dirt, she scrambled to scurry further away.

Somehow he managed to get down and dirty just as quickly and he tightly gripped onto her ankles, tugging them forward while she tried kicking away.

"Help! Help!" she shouted. Her screams drowned out over his laughter. There was no point in screaming for help, no one ever passes by this property.

"No! No! No!" she screamed, clawing at the dirt for traction. But with one last tug, a pop was heard as one of her shoulders detached from its sockets. Writhing in extreme pain, he dragged her out from beneath the porch and slapped her harshly across the face. Sending her head whipping to one side as a whimper escaped her.

"Please, please! I'll do anything!" she cried, pleading at him to spare her life, to have mercy on her soul. "Please..."

The agonising pain of her dislocated shoulder consumed her and she never saw the knife that was now, once again, in his hands as he plunged the sharp blade into her chest. She gasped at the intrusion.

As blood gurgled out of her mouth, she can't help but think of _him_ , the man she should've married.

* * *

"What do you mean you got stabbed?" Bunny questioned as she followed her boyfriend, of one month, onto the second floor balcony.

This morning when he came back to his Gold Coast residence, where Bunny have been practically living at; privileges that she definitely wasn't complaining, after spending all day and all night 'handling business' as he called it, he walked in completely broken. From head to toe. From his bruised face, broken nose to his stab wound on his shoulder. Immediately, she questioned his whereabouts like a bickering housewife.

"A knife went through my flesh." he said nonchalantly.  
"I was mugged." he reiterated when a disdain expression plastered her wrinkled face. She was testing his patience to the utmost limits. She really was. And it took everything in him not to wrap his scrawny hands around her neck and slowly watch as the light burn out in her eyes. But he had to keep his cool, he needed her, for now at least.

"C'mon! You expect me to be-"

"I don't give a rat's ass if you believe me or not! Now, can you shut up?! Shut up for once!" he spat and took a tiny packet out of his pocket. Bunny watched as he hungrily lined the powder into three lines, ready to be snorted.

After all her years of dating and contributing to the society, she somehow still manages to pick the wrong guy. All the guys she've ever been with have always treated her like trash. Like she was worthless.

Was it all her fault that they treated her that way?

"Is it wrong for me to be concerned?"

"If you don't shut up, Bunny, lo juro por Dios todopoderoso, I will to throw you over the balcony. And I promise you...you will be drinking out of a straw for the rest of your miserable life." he warned before downing his second drink and pouring himself his third.

After everything she did in helping him with whatever he was planning, he still has the audacity to threaten her like that. "Hell, I don't deserve to be treated like that. I spent my entire life with men like you. I-"

He threw his tumbler out the balcony, crashing the glass onto the hard ground,!two stories below, and lunged at Bunny, snatching her by the throat and pushed her body over the railing of the balcony. "You get this into that pea sized brain of yours, I own you. Tu eres mi propiedad de cualquier modo! I own you Bunny. So when I say shut up, you better shut up."  
"Carlos please." she screamed, clawing at his arm, scared to death that he would let go. Even if it's just a couple of stories high, permanent damage can be done, especially with her age.

"Shut up!" he yelled, leaning her even further down as she cried hysterically. Her heart was pounding in her chest at an alarming rate. Tears ran down her face, she wanted to beg and plead but she knew if she spoke again, he will definitely let go.

"Now, you ready to do as I say?"  
"YES!" she screeched.  
"Oh! For crying out loud, you stupid bitch!" he seethed as he rolled his eyes. He pulled her back onto the balcony but still had his grip on her neck. Her body trembled as her bladder released the impending urine down her shaking legs and he gawk at her in disgust.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't make you drink it." he growled.

She didn't answer, just continued to cry hysterically.

"Now, you choose to shut up?"

Finally, he let go of her, throwing her limp body to the ground. And walked away. Not before snorting the three lines he had prepared for himself.

She should've thought it through before making deals with the devil.

* * *

As she twisted the keys to her apartment, the sonogram picture still held tightly in her hand, she was in awe. She couldn't stop herself from staring at the grainy image in front of her. She couldn't stop staring at her baby.

"Hello?"

She heard Jay call out but she couldn't answer, she didn't want to answer him, she was still very much mad at him for making her go to the appointment. It was so selfish of her and she knew it. He couldn't see and wouldn't know who was at the door but she was Erin and still was very stubborn.

Having to stifle a cry as she walked into the living room, she saw Jay facing at the doorway. Her heart broke into a million more pieces at watching his eyes wander around the room. He must be so scared.

"Erin?"

"Yeah. Hey." she managed to say before making her way over to him, and planted a quick peck on his stubble cheek. Immediately, he relaxed. And she was glad that he finally found the comfort in her touch.

Right now as he stared into darkness, he concentrated on the auditory response of his surroundings.

He was sure that there was an emergency nearby since the ambulance sirens were wailing.

He was sure that the Blackhawks were winning against Minnesota Wild since that was what the commentators were shouting.

He was sure someone was listening to Careless Whisper by George Michael since that was what the next door neighbour was blaring for the last two hours.

He was sure something was bothering Erin since she was nervously shuffling all over the place against and breathing erratically as if to stop herself from tearing up.

"Hey, everything ok?" he cautiously asked, not wanting to overstep his boundaries.

It has already been a month and they still hadn't exactly talked about the elephant in the room - what exactly was she going to do with the baby. For the past thirty plus days, she never brought it up. And so did he, he was afraid of how she'll react. Bad memories might just make their 'situation' much worse. All they did was co-exist together. They've hardly even talked.

She have not spoken a word about the baby, never told anyone, not even Voight. He seemed to know nothing about her pregnancy. Whenever he would stop by to check up on her, they'd talk about her coming back to Intelligence and all the evaluations and tests she'll have to go through again to test her competency. But that conversation always ends up with Voight telling her that she still wasn't ready for the field.

If Voight knew she was pregnant, they would be having a whole other conversation.

Why wouldn't she telling him?

That just left him to wondering if she had thought ignoring it would magically make the baby go away. He tried his best to be patient and to give her the space she needed, fully understanding of how much harder it must have been for her, a pregnancy that she didn't want, a pregnancy that was as a result of rape. It hurts him to even think about that. He loves Erin without a shadow of doubt but at the same time, he had grown a little too attached to the ever growing baby inside her. He knew he shouldn't have.

Regardless of who the foetus was half of, it's merely a matter of pointless DNA. That sick bastard's genetic makeup didn't matter. He knew he could love it like his own.

Whatever decision she makes, he would have to respect it even if it would hurt him in the contrary. At the end of the day, it was her body, he has no say over it.

"Yea. Fine" she stated. He heard the slightest quaver in her voice and felt ever so frustrated that he couldn't tell whether she was still mad at him. He wants to help her through this but how can he do that when she simply pretends like it isn't even there?

If he hadn't had asked whether or not she had gone to any appointments yet, she wouldn't have gone to the one that was scheduled for this morning.

"I'm gonna go make lunch." she said and simply hurried over to the kitchen. She was definitely still mad at him and he was sure of it. He knew her all too well.

Tears flowed forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face. She turned the tap on in full blast so Jay wouldn't hear her cries and pressed her trembling hands to her mouth to muffle her sobs. She was tired of crying. All she did was cry and that was pointless. Nothing is ever going to change. The baby is real. _It's_ really real.

.

 _She inhaled in a shaky breath as Dr. Drake Ramoray squirt the cold gel onto her protruding belly. Due to the positioning of the foetus, still, at five months, she didn't look much different from a month ago. The bump was still small, to which she was grateful for, though she noticed a very slight growth. At glance no one would have really guessed that she was with child._

 _"Here's the head." the kind doctor pointed out, sliding the transducer further down her belly. "The torso...arms...and legs..." he glanced over his shoulder, giving his patient a smile since he've noticed her to be less enthusiastic than his other patients._

 _"Seems like you've got a little gymnast on your hands, Erin." he chuckled trying to make the atmosphere much more pleasant for his patient._

 _Dr. Ramoray was informing her of all its developments, showing her all its tiny fingers and toes, to which she just nodded in response. Not once did she take a glance at the grainy screen. She was afraid that she would see him, Carlos, its father. But most of all, she was too terrified to fall in love with it._

 _For nights as they sleep, all to Jay's unknowing, she would be woken up in the middle of the night to him lightly rubbing her belly, talking to it about things he never even told her, and it actually responded to his voice and touch, leaving her restless all night long. She wanted Jay to stop but she couldn't bring herself to sadden him. Just seeing his face light up every night, every time it kicks, brings a smile to her face. It was the one thing that he seemed to enjoy and she couldn't allow herself to take that away from him._

 _Even though she was the one who spend literally every hour, minute, and second with it, she never felt that bond a mother does with their ever growing child. Other than the obvious, she was probably afraid to love it. Hence, she never tried to._

 _"Would you like to hear the heartbeat?" he asked. Hoping that hearing the life of the baby she had created would cheer her up._

Heartbeat

 _She knew she should've said no. She knew that she was far too weak to handle it and to control herself. She didn't listen to her brain that was screaming at her to say no, that it would be a bad idea. She didn't listen to the only reasonable thing. Like always she listened to her heart. Her weakness that has always gotten her into trouble numerous times. Her heart was telling her that this child was hers to love, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of how it was conceived or what its father did to her. They would survive this together, like a family. So it was with that bestowed in mind, eyes filled with tears that she nodded._

 _"Are you sure?"_

 _"Yes." she whispered and blew out a deep nervous breath as Dr. Ramoray took out a tiny monitor, a foetal doppler, and probed it on her belly. As she turn her head to glance at her doctor, she accidentally got a glimpse of the grainy colourless screen that held the tiny human inside her._

 _Smiling, her heart exploded with affection. Affection so different, so pure, so deep, so indescribable, she could barely contain herself._

A mother's love

 _She didn't see Carlos like she thought she would. Instead she saw her baby._

 _Her emotions quadrupled when he turned up the volume, the swooshing beat echoed in the small office._

 _"Heartbeat is going very strong. Indeed healthy for 17 weeks."_

 _Fixated on the image in front of her, God knows how hard she tried to fight the impending tears that stung her eyes but she couldn't and failed miserably at hearing its lifeline. Her unborn baby's heartbeat was enough for her to reconsider._

.

"My baby." those two words fell out of her lips in a whisper as she rubbed the expanse of her belly.

The moment she heard its beating heart, she knew it right then and there that she loved this baby.

* * *

 _ **Quick question: Who do you think is Carlos new victim? Let me know!**_

 _ **Thanks for reading!**_


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

"Hank?"

A knock to his door disrupted Voight's semi-civil conversation with his young officer, Adam Ruzek, as they discussed his future in the Unit. His face still very much messed up, his shoulder still very much dislocated and after almost throwing him into the Chicago River, Voight changed his mind. The young detective knew he was at fault, knew what he was about to do would potentially kill him and he accepted his fate, he accepted his punishment and did not beg for his life.

He knew what he did was wrong. He shouldn't' have slept with Erin.

With his overall conduct for the past few months, and suspension, most of which he chose to ignore, the line was crossed when he slept with his daughter. Adam was threading on very thin ice.

As Desk Sergeant Trudy Platt entered into Voight's office, both gentlemen could tell something didn't sit well with her. She looked distraught and shocked all at the same time. Her eyes, that were barely making any contact, told another story. Maybe it was her sunken demeanour or the fact that she closed the door behind her, cold fear stabbed both men in the gut and for a long moment they just stared at her.

Platt seemed to struggle to find words, a sob threaten to erupt, but she tried, in a halting tone. "There was a report of a 10-55 at 625 West Wrightwood Avenue. A body was found."

Rising from the chair, his knees threatened to buckle and he swallowed the lump formed at the back of his throat. Adam knew that address by heart. "625 West Wrightwood Avenue? That's...that's..."

He couldn't say it. He couldn't get himself to her name. He didn't want to believe what Platt had just said.

 _A body?_

His tears and anger that he could no longer contain exploded and he found himself resting his hand on his holster. This cannot be true. This must be a sick joke.

He crumpled to the ground when Platt nodded. A confirmation. She couldn't say anything but sob with her fellow officer.

He couldn't breathe. He felt like he have been shot. Only this wound was far more painful than any bullet could ever compare.

Voight walked over to Adam, trying to haul him to his feet but he didn't want to. Instead he squeezed his shoulders tightly, telling him that he's not alone.

"Where is she?" he asked, voice stern. He had to be the glue holding up this family.

"Still at the scene."

* * *

The whole situation was made even more real when he saw the Medical Examiner's black body bag the minute they walked into her apartment, crossing over the yellow tape that cordoned off the crime scene. Every inch of her apartment were already clustered with forensics, CSU and dispatch units bagging up evidence and snapping pictures of the scene.

Silence

The crowd fell silent and stop what they were doing as soon as the Intelligence Unit arrived. And just like that anyone who weren't from the M.E.'s office cleared the room. Paying respects to their fallen officer and giving the Unit their much needed privacy with her.

Kim Burgess

Fallen officer Kimberly Burgess laid lifelessly on the coroners' gurney, enclosed in a opaque bag. No one were able to believe that their once vibrant and cheerful officer was in fact murdered. An officer who would have made one hell of a detective in the specialised unit was now gone forever. A memory that would've been ecstatic was now glum.

Adam somehow made his way across the room to where the gurney was. Kim wasn't in there, he was sure of it. She shouldn't be in there. This must be some sort of sick test since she can't be gone. She can't just leave him.

Olinsky grabbed his arm as he reached for the zipper. "You don't have to do this, son." he said, "We can take care of it."

Adam just stared back at Olinsky without responding. Although he very much didn't want to, he had to, he just had to do it. Al sighed and let go while everyone else watched him tug at the zipper and peered into the face of a white porcelain doll, Kim Burgess.

The room fell into an abysmal silence once again. Watching as Adam stare into the bag for a long moment with his hands shaking. Slowly his face contorted into painful cries as reality finally registered. "No...no...no...no...no..."

She looks as if she was just sleeping.

"Kim!" he screamed. The room shook at the painful cry of their fellow officer, cradling her lifeless body in his arms, screaming at God to bring her back.  
"Wake up! Please, Kimmy! Wake up! Please don't leave me!" he whispered, caressing her coarse chocolate hair.

Involuntarily, her toothy grin flashed into his mind but that jolly memory quickly faded away, burying in anger as a hint of bleach stung his nostrils when he nuzzled into her hair. He was going to kill that son of a bitch who did this to her.

"Detective, we need to take her." the M.E. said with caution.  
"No! She's not going anywhere!" he cried then looked back down at her, "Can't you see? She's just sleeping." he gently caressed her cold face, his tears falling onto her cold skin. He took off his jacket and wrapped it over her body, she was freezing.

The M.E. Stella Bonasera looked pitifully at Dawson, her heart was breaking for the Unit, she didn't want to be the bad guy and interrupt what probably will be their only chance with their dear friend but she had to take her to the morgue before decomposition rehashes. She didn't want them to further break in the reality of watching her rot.

"Sergeant Voight. We need to get her down to the morgue before..." she trailed off as he nodded, knowing what she had meant. Judging by her rigid muscular tissues and bluish-purple discolouration of the posterior end of her body, it's only a matter of a few hours before microbial proliferation starts.

"You can't take her! Don't! Take your hands off me! Take your hands off me!" Both Dawson and Atwater and even Olinsky had to physically pry him away from the body before they could wheel her out of her apartment.  
"...She's sleeping..." he shook his head as he wiped his nose with his sleeve, "She must be very tired..." running his hands through his tear stained face, he slumped down the nearby wall in defeat. "Please don't wake her up...let her sleep in..."

One of the CSU walked over to Hank Voight with an evidence, another piece to the unsolved puzzle, already bagged.  
"Officer Burgess was found holding it. He left a message."

A phone. Her phone to be exact.

He. Her killer.

Taking the phone out of the evidence bag, Voight tapped on the play button.

 _'So I guess you found your surprise, sweetheart. What can I say? SURPRISE! Well, it shouldn't have been much of a surprise...whoa whoa that was a mouthful of surprises, don't you think? Hahaha!...Wait, where was I?...Yes! What do you expect, Erin?! You aborted our baby, an innocent child. How could you?...Why'd you have to involve him in our affairs?...Why?...It's between you and me! You shouldn't have just killed him!...At least now you know how it feels...Oh! Where are my manners! This is Carlos Solis!'_

Millions of unanswered question swarmed their minds, trying to wreck their brains to figure out the insanity they all had just listened to.

Carlos Solis as expected was behind all the killing.

What the hell is he talking about?

Erin?

Abortion?

Baby?

Their baby?

Erin was pregnant?

With his baby?

Why didn't she tell anyone?

Why didn't she tell her family?

She didn't look pregnant, did she?

Voight stormed out the crime scene, Kim's apartment, his blood was boiling, his heart was breaking. Emotions were all over the place; he doesn't know whether he should be in angst or sadden for the situation Erin's in. She went through the abortion all by herself, grief all by herself, hearing the news that she was pregnant all by herself. He's very much angry at her. Sometimes he just wants to shake some sense into her; to tell her that he's here for her, to listen to her, to help her, that's his duty as a father. She should've trusted him.

Erin has some much needed explanation to do.

 _How can she not tell him?_

 _How can she go through this all by herself?_

 _How can he not have noticed?_

To say that everyone in the room were shocked to their core was an understatement. This monster, Carlos Solis, was delusional. He was beyond crazy and deserves to be locked up for eternity. He's too much of a threat to society and the human race. Who treats people the way he does?

People were a game to him.

Everything was a joke to him. His tone. His voice. His words. His brain games. His puzzles. People were nothing to him. Just a part of his much bigger plan. Just a joy for him to kill.

Collateral damage

That was what Kim Burgess was.

Collateral damage

* * *

 _ ***gasp* Please don't kill me! Haha! Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts!**_


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

The sun shouldn't have been allowed to shine when there's a funeral. Instead of a gloomy Chicago weather like most days, the sun was shining for the first time in weeks. It was unfair, unethical of Mother Nature. Today their friend will be buried six feet under and the sun decided to show up. But that may be a sign. A sign tell them that no matter where Kim was, she was happy.

One week and two days have passed since their beloved officer had been brutally murdered. An autopsy was performed, confirming a fatal stab wound to her chest resulting in a haemopneumothorax to which she died a slow and painful death. Her immediate family had been notified and the funeral was ought to be taken place in a few hours.

Erin wiped a lonely tear that trickled down her face. She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry today. Having spent the entire week in tears, she was so exhausted. Her head was pounding, her eyes were sore, she feared there were no tears in her ducts to cry anymore.

After being told of the nature and reason to her killing, after Adam cursed and screamed at her, she fell into a deep depression. She was stressed, anxious and very much responsible no matter how many times anyone insisted she wasn't. Again it was her to blame. She was furious at herself for letting Kim go with her to the clinic that day even when she was well aware of how she had betrayed her best friend. Her selfish thoughts had told her that it was alright. Kim wouldn't have to know. Now, she will never know.

Seeing her mannequin-like body on the cold steel table that day, her first instinct was to nudge her. To make sure she wasn't dead but she was. Then she progressed on to violence. In this case, tossing whatever she could get her hands on against the wall. Finally, she cried and wished she was blind.

Right now as she scowled at her reflection in the mirror, she tried buttoning her dress blues and sucked in her gut but the buttons could hard even reach the other side, leaving her exposed. She didn't know what to do. She knew she couldn't go to her friends' service without a uniform.

There was a knock on her bedroom door and she hurried to put on her robe. When the knock came a second time, she finally opened the door.  
"Hank." she frowned. He wasn't supposed to be here, he should be at the cemetery by now. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd go with you and Jay."

Tears burned the back of her eyes, "Thank you." she said. Though she was afraid of asking for assistance, she really did needed help. It was only getting harder by the day to have a man twice her size, and almost half of his weight on the chip of her shoulders as she assisted him in daily routines. But she never showed any signs of discomfort though it was taking a toll on her pregnancy, she didn't want Jay to feel like he was a burden.

"Why didn't you tell me, Erin?"

She froze, her back was turned towards him as she rummaged through her closet. She couldn't bring herself to turn around and meet his gaze. She didn't want to see the sorrow in his eyes.

When she showed no signs of movement, it was Voight who took the initiative and made his way over to her. Erin didn't have to look into his eyes to know what her dad was feeling, it was written all over his body language as he pulled her into a tight embrace.

"I'm not mad at you, kiddo." he said, rubbing her back. Just the thought that all these months of dealing with everything, killed him. She must have felt so alone.

Now as she broke the promise she had made to herself this morning, she cried into his chest. "I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to do. I was so scared. And I thought I wanted the abortion but..."

"But you realised you didn't." he finished off her sentence and she nodded.

"I couldn't go through with I…I just couldn't…"

Though he couldn't quite understand why she was at a crossroad since he wouldn't think twice about getting rid of it. Knowing Erin, he knew she couldn't live with herself knowing what she had done.

"Kiddo, it's ok. I get it."

Though everything in him wanted to find that son of a bitch and burry him alive, giving him the slow death he deserves; for all the torment he had put Erin through and most of all for Kim, she didn't deserve to die the way she did.

"Have you figured out what you're gonna do?" A long silence settled between them. For a split second, she hated _it_ again. _It's_ father had killed her best friend but then she quickly realised, _it_ isn't Carlos. _It'll_ be loved, sheltered, feed, educated from right and wrong. _It_ would never even have a speck of similarities with the devil.

She nodded, looking down at her bump.

"Ruzek?"

"What?"

"He told me…" he lied, he couldn't just tell her that he saw what they had done. "I almost killed him, you know?"

"Gosh. I screwed up." She ran her hands threw her face. That explains the bruises on his face.

"Yes, you did, Erin. What about Halstead? How could you do that to him, Erin?"

She shook her head, "I clearly wasn't thinking, Hank…Please don't say anything to him. Please."

Voight weighed his options as he looked over at his daughter and Jay who was at the living room. He finally had the leverage he needed to end their relationship but realising then that breaking them up was not what he wanted anymore. What he wanted was for Erin to be happy and that was being with Jay. He would probably be mad at her. He probably would never forgive Erin.

"I won't say anything. But you gotta do what's right."

* * *

He sat alone in his dark apartment, shivering and chattering his teeth, having not bothered to get up and turn on the heater or even the lights for that matter. Other than bathroom breaks, he hadn't really moved from that exact same spot he had taken a couple of days ago. His clothes were rumpled, his eyes were constantly red and glossy and he smelt awful.

He looked at the time on his phone. Her funeral service must have already ended. He couldn't bring himself to face everyone. Her family and friend, the Unit, Police Commissioner and every high ranking officer at 1PP. Dozens of pairs of eyes will definitely be on him. Condolences that he knew he couldn't cope with. So instead of being with family and friends in this very sad occasion, he decided to opt out for the funeral service and simply visit her later where it'd be just the two of them.

Each passing day proved harder for him to live, the love of his life was gone for eternity. He'd never get to hold her, hear her voice, touch her and kiss her. Or look into her big bright eyes and tell her how much he loves her.

He didn't deserve her. He knew he didn't. She was the best girlfriend anyone could've ever asked for and he never really treated her for what she's worth. That proved it right when he slept with her best friend.

Fumbling with his phone, he dialled the number he knew by heart.

 _"Hey! It's Kim Burgess! Unfortunately I cannot take your call right now, but I would like to return it as soon as I can. So please leave a message after the beep."_

The beep blared and with that he burst out crying. He missed her so much. He missed her voice.  
"Kim, baby, it's me. Please come back home. Please! Please, please come back! I'm begging you! I'm nothing without you! I'm so sorry! I just, I just need you here! Please...just come back to me!"

* * *

Pulse. Her pulse was racing a million miles per hour, waking her up from her deep slumber.  
Drenched. She was drenched in her own damp sweat from head to toe.

Blinking rapidly to process her surroundings, a sharp wave wrenched deep within her lower abdomen.  
"Ja-" she screamed in agony, choking through the unbearable pain. Immediately startling Jay with her high-pitched cries.

"Wh-what's happening?" he jolted awake, sitting upright as he looked to his right. Darkness was what he saw but the sheer agony of his girlfriend's cries were crystal clear.

"Er, what's wrong?" he stretched his arms out to reach out for her. But when she cried out once again, he frantically turn to his left to feel for the bedside lamp.  
"Shit!" he cursed when he knocked it over.  
How is he going to help her when he couldn't even see?

"Erin? Erin, what's wrong?" he questioned as he feel for her body. He tried to sound calm and collected though he was very much panicking. She grabbed his hand that was nowhere near where she was and squeezed the pain into them. His baby blues were filled with concern and she felt so bad that she's putting him in such compromising position.

"...It hurts..." she heaved in a whimper. Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as her other hand clutch onto her belly, unable to fight the stinging sensation building behind her eyes.

Jay just stared straight ahead with eyes as wide as saucers, unsure of what he's supposed to do. He couldn't even make his way around the apartment without Erin by his side at all times and still hadn't gotten used to the fact that he could no longer see.  
How the hell is he going to call for help?

"Shit!" he cursed out loud again, frantically running his hand over his face. He was useless.

She can very much see the frustration and guilt in his eyes, she knew he wanted to do something but with the blindness, he couldn't.

"Ja-Jay..." she choked through another onslaught of agony, breathing deeply in an effort to work through the pain. She knew right than and there that in order to save her unborn child, she had to do it all by herself.  
"It's ok. I'm ok." she exhaled a lied as she let go of his hand.

Rolling over to her side, legs dangling over the edge of the bed in an attempt to stand. The simple act that was once so easy, was now so torturous that she was sure she'd pass out at any second.

Both of her hands flew to her abdomen as another agonising pain tore through her body when her feet touched the ground. But as soon as she stood up, she felt a strange urge, an urge to push.

A contraction

But she knows she shouldn't be doing what her body was screaming at her to do. She couldn't. It was way too early. Four months too early.

"Oh god!" she cried out, horrified as she just noticed the thick gush of blood staining her grey pants.

"Erin, hey, I'm here!"

Reaching across the bedroom to turn on the lights, she somehow managed to drag her weakened legs to her dresser where she had tossed her phone earlier this evening. After what may have been an eternity, she dialled those three numbers.

"911, what's your emergency ?"

"This is detective Erin Lindsay. Badge number 61317." she said through ragged breaths, "I need an ambulance. Please. My baby. I think I'm losing my baby."

"Don't worry, detective, an ambulance has already been dispatched to your location. Just stay calm. You and your baby will be fine."

Erin doesn't believe her, she knows it was just protocol to keep callers calm and distracted.

"Detective?"

Dropping her phone onto the ground, lightheaded, Erin caught herself on the wall before she could fall to the ground.

"Er..."

Turning her attention back to Jay, she saw him standing, trying his best to head over to her, wanting to help so badly.  
"I'm sorry." he cried.

As she took a step forward, the pain just intensified, and she doubled over at the intensity. "It's-" but before she could ensure that he didn't have to worry much longer, she collapsed forward. Her knees buckled, a loud thud echoed in the bedroom as her body made impact with the cold ground.

"Erin..."


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

Voight paced nervously in the waiting hall of Chicago Med as did Olinsky while Jay sat anxiously alongside his brother-Will, constantly having to remind himself to breath. After a frantic call from Nurse Maggie, he rushed out of bed and back to where he was just hours ago to be with his baby brother who definitely needed him.

"They'll be ok." Olinsky reassured, taking a seat beside a clearly distraught Jay. Will nodded, squeezing his brother's shoulders who immediately put his arms around him and sobbed even harder. Will have never seen his baby brother so broken, so hurt to the point that he willingly freed himself from his fears of vulnerability.

Voight hated hospitals, always have. It was a place where pain and suffering lingered. Nothing pleasant had ever happened to him at the hospital. It was where his wife died. It was where he had to pull the plug on his only son.

Though for the life of him, he couldn't understand why his daughter decided to carry a rapist child, still he didn't wish it any harm since that would literally break Erin to pieces. And she already was extremely fragile. It was for that reason he didn't want it to die.

Carlos Solis raped and tortured her for days on end and she was rewarding him by having his child?

It was probably a mother's bond that suffices when nurturing her child within. Something no men will ever understand.

"She'll be ok." Voight agreed. Hoping that saying it out loud and not just in his head would make it come true. "She's a fighter. They both are." he said as he patted Jay on the back. Seeing what a mess he was killed him.

.

 _"Sir, how far along is she?" Jay heard the EMT ask amidst the chaos. The paramedic was whisking back and forth through the constricted space, seemingly grabbing supplies he needed._

 _Immediately after she had collapsed to the ground, the paramedics had came pounding at the door. With the rest of his senses still working, he managed to huddle towards Erin. Since dispatch was still on the line, calling out to her, that gave him the opportunity to relay the message to the on-site EMT that he was blind and couldn't get to the door._

 _"Twenty weeks." he nervously answered. He was scared that the foetus he was starting to fall in love with wasn't going to make it. So sure that a foetus can't ever be viable at twenty weeks. So sure that it wouldn't survive this ordeal. But he was even more terrified of the fact that Erin could be leaving him today and tonight._

 _Darkness._

 _Then, now, and for the rest of his miserable life, he had, would, and will always hate the dark. Especially now since it was all he sees. He desperately needed to assess the situation with his own eyes. The fact that he had to rely on all his other senses were far too much of a frustration. He wanted to see the truth for himself and not by the lies the EMTs were feeding him._

 _"Jay." his name fell off her lips in a whisper. He was jolted by the sound of her weak whimper and he leaned in, finding his way to her hands and clutching onto her dainty hold._

 _The snapping of the velcro rang in his ears as the medic proceeded to wrapped the blood pressure cuff around her arm. Jay noticed that she have been in and out of consciousness and worried tonight wouldn't end well._

 _Her hand tightened in his grip and she cried out. Another contraction tore through her. The pain radiated down her spine, exploding in her lower abdomen. If this was what childbirth felt like, she's definitely not having any more children._

 _"We're almost there." Jay said, placing his hand over the slab of her forehead where cold sweat were exfoliating. Beads of sweat trickle down her face._

 _Still being the same stubborn woman he loves so dearly, he heard the poor EMT losing the battle with her when she forcefully yanked the oxygen mask off her face._

 _"The baby..." she whispered longingly as she turned her head to face the paramedics who were taking her vitals._  
 _"It won't...It won't make it..." she desperately shook her head as tears stung her eyes. Crying them silently._

 _"Just hang in there, ma'am. We're almost there." he squeezed her hand in reassurance before she felt a cool sensation ran up her veins._

 _She tried to keep her eyes on the man who was hunched over her, who was pleading and assuring her that all will be well. But she knows it wouldn't. She can literally feel her baby slipping away as she fought to keep herself from pushing._

 _Maybe this was God'd sick way of teaching her a lesson. Just when she was starting to fall in love with it, He was going to selfishly take it away from her._

 _"I can't-" A harsh cry escaped her lips as another contraction gripped her hard. Too hard. The agony was far too different this time. Too intense and too close together. Something horrible was bound to happen._

 _Shaking the echoes of her anguished shrieks, "Can't you give her anything for the pain!" Jay pleaded to the medic. He would change places with her right now if he could. Just so that she wouldn't be suffering._

 _"Sorry, sir. We are not authorised to administer her with any pain meds; she's in labour. But in the meantime, you need to get her to calm down. Her B.P. is dangerously high and if we can't get it under control, we could lose them both."_

 _He can sense her fading away once again as her grip loosen around his hands, "Baby, we're almost there. Please keep your eyes open. The baby will be fine. You'll be fine. Just breathe. Ok." Jay tried to sound calm as he spoke but he knew he wasn't._

 _For a long time, he knew that Erin had a hard time accepting the baby. And he knew she wondered why was he too accepting of it. He knew she had expected him to throw a fit, to break up with her, to hate her, to leave her. But all that outcomes didn't make any sense to him. This baby wasn't her doing. It wasn't her fault. She didn't willingly and purposefully consent in the making of this innocent child. A child that wasn't his._

 _In his heart, he honestly didn't care that the baby wasn't his. It was merely DNA. It was Erin's and for that reason, he chose to love it and was more than happy to be its father. The baby was theirs no matter what._

* * *

He sat in the dark in his living room with a bottle of Bowmore 25 scotch whiskey in between his fingers. It was barely even noon and the remnants of the thick glassed bottle were already almost empty. The sun was covered with dismal clouds, casting a sullen shadow over the sky.

Thoughts of his precious Erin ravaged his mind. He needed to see her again. He needed to touch her. He misses her. But he had to wait and be patient for a little longer. The police were still onto him. A manhunt as they call it.

He wasn't stupid. He knew he had to hide, to stay out of sight for the time being. Hence, running off with Bunny to one of his other houses in the city. One that he had not registered in his name in but instead in a false, non-existent aliases. Once everything cools down, that will be when he can see her again. He needed to. He was going crazy without her.

"Where'd you go?" Solis slurred just as Bunny walked into foyer.

He was paranoid. She have been out the entire morning and fear that she might have and already have figured him out. But that was unlikely, she wasn't as smart. Leaving him to wonder how is it that Erin was so different from her mother. It was as if they weren't related at all.

She narrowed her eyes at him. From her intuition and years of experience with men just like him, she can clearly see that he's already wasted. "Ugh, you're drunk." she rolled her eyes in disgust.

"I'm not in the mood for your shit, Bunny!"

"Yeah, cuz I'm always in the mood for yours!" she said sarcastically and threw herself onto one of his ottomans.

Stubborn.

That was one aspect his precious Erin and Bunny shared. So he chose to ignore and glare at her, stopping himself from grabbing her frail neck and squeezing the life out of her.

"Jesus! Why'd you gotta be an asshole about everything!" she sighed. She doesn't understand why he has to be so persistent about knowing her whereabouts. "I went to see my daughter at the hospital. Is that an issue for you too?"

Just like her other boyfriends and husbands, he really was a swell and perfect gentleman. She rolled her eyes at the sarcasm. Every guy she have ever been with treated her like she was nothing. And she didn't get why. Was it because of her? Was she too desperate?

She gave them everything they ever wanted. Her love, her soul, her body. Even bearing children when she knew she wasn't ready. She have given them her all.

She can't help but feel jealous of her daughter. Erin has what she have longed for all her life.

A man that adores her.

A man that would give up his life for her.

A man that treats her the way she deserves.

A man that will never leave her.

Erin has Jay.

And Jay was everything Bunny had dreamed in a man.

Why can't she find a man just like him?

"What did you say?" he sat up straight, suddenly all too curious as to why Erin was at the hospital. Bunny looked at him scared and in confusion.

Was it something she had said?  
But she knew she had to answer him so as to not get slapped around.

Bunny just had to open her big mouth and spill the details of her daughters' unfortunate events in Colombia. Stories that Erin had told her mother in confidence. A mistake she made of entrusting her secrets in her mother. As he had listened to Bunny chatter away months ago, he can't help but silently bask and gloat in his work and accomplishments. Erin was his for eternity. Just the thought of the control he invoked fuelled him, excited him.

"I mean is Erin ok?" he forced an illusion of concern. But something about his voice sent chills down her spine. Goosebumps spreading across her wrinkled skin.

Fire ignited in the pit of her belly. Men after men just kept on flaunting over her daughter.

To her, he seemed oddly concerned about Erin. She had only ever talked about her once, to which she thought he had barely even listened. At the same time, certain that she didn't mention her by name.

Shrugging at the thought. She knew she was being silly. "It doesn't look too good. For them both."

* * *

He walked towards the far end. His stride filled with defeat. Headstones after headstones, he read, finding where hers may be. Careful to only step on the path, not wanting to disrespect the fallen by practically stepping on them.

"Kimberly Teresa Burgess." he sighed, finally coming face-to-face with the clean, crisp grave, covered with candles and flowers.

Fifteen days.

Two weeks and one day.

It had been fifteen days since Kim had passed, murdered to be exact, and it was just today that he had visited. He tried, but every time he walked out the front door, he broke down. She was gone and he just can't get himself to accept that fact.

"How did we end up here?" he choked, his eyes quickly swell with tears. It hasn't even been five minutes and he already managed to cry. These day, it was all he could do.

He knelt down, laying her favourite blue hydrangeas on the stone, before brushing his hands over her the coldness, "You were the centre of my world...my everything..." he wept. His shoulders shook with each sob as she looked up at the gloomy sky, "How could _you_ let this this happen?"  
Adam blamed Him. It was all His fault why she was gone. He allowed Carlos to murder his love. "We were supposed to start a whole new chapter of our lives together...have a bunch of kids...grow old together..."

After weeks of being by himself, he have had time to finally evaluate himself as a boyfriend and an ex-fiancé and he didn't like the result he was faced with. He was never really appreciative of her love and patience.

All along, she knew he wasn't ready for marriage, and now that she was gone he realised that too. But that was then. Now that she was gone, he was ready. He felt it in his bones, his soul; he knew he was ready. But there was only one problem; he's too late.

"I know we are meant to be together. Wherever you may be, I am yours...forever...And I am going to do what I never could...I'm going to make you my wife."

Looking down the silver bands he had in his trembling palms, he got down on one knee. He remembered when he had proposed the first time at the locker room, how ecstatic she was. The humongous smile she had when she nodded and screamed yes was contagious and just like that, he couldn't stop smiling that entire day.

"Kimberly Teresa Burgess, will you marry me?"

It will just be a matter of time before he's reunited with her again.

He can't wait.

* * *

With all the chaos surrounding Kim's murder even someone as sadistic and calculating as Carlos Solis knew when to lay low. The police were onto him and he did exactly just that; he laid low. He had suddenly vanished into thin air, wasn't present in any of his properties in Chicago. But on the plus side, the killings have stopped. For now at least.

The Department had thought that releasing the details of their new found serial killer wouldn't be the best of ideas since that would mean exposing the gruesome details of one of their own. As relentless and cold the media can be, that wouldn't be wise for their already shaky reputation and the families of their fallen officer. Though it would do good at finding Carlos Solis, they chose against the idea.

Right now as Voight and Antonio walked up the stairs to the bullpen, having just visited Erin at the hospital, four men and a women in crisp black pantsuits stood arrogantly by the bulletin alongside Commander Fischer.

"Ahh! There you are Sergeant Voight."

Voight simply narrowed his brows, arms folded across his chest. Whenever Commender Fischer cares to show up, it never is of good news. "What's going on here, Fischer?"

"The Solis Investigation is now officially a federal case."

The second Fischer had said what they knew the FBI was here for out loud, every other officer in the room groaned and cursed at their exultant counterpart. They had an inkling of it happening sooner or later.

Though both had the same goal, to find Solis and bring justice to everyone he had brought misery upon, it wasn't fair to the Intelligence Unit that the Feds will receive all the praise and glory just because they didn't have the resources and manpower like they do.

"The FBI will be leading the investigation from now on which means that all evidence, reports, statements, whatsoever will be boxed up and handed over to them by today. 5pm sharp. You can report your findings to Special Agent-"

"Tasha Zapata!" Antonio exclaimed, shaking his head in both surprise and disgust.

Now that she had turned around and faced the crowd, it was clear as day that she was, none other than Tasha Zapata, his ex-partner back in Vice, some ten-plus years ago.

"What the hell are you doing in Chicago?" he seethed, definitely not at all happy to see his old colleague.

She laughed, rolling her eyes at the obvious answer to his question. "Working. Just like you, offi-"

"Detective." he corrected.

"Detective Dawson."

"And of all people, they had to send you." he snickered, "What? The Bureau's short on 'Special Agents'?" he joked and made sure to make air citations at her title. His fellow CPD officers chuckled with him while she sneered in disappointment. More than a decade later, he still held a grudge against her.

It was obvious that the Unit and the other FBI Agents were intrigued and curious as to their history and reason for their childish bicker as they whip back and forth from the two.

He knew he was being inappropriate and unprofessional by his actions and his responses. But he just couldn't help it; Tasha has always and will always bring out the worst in him.

"When the Bureau wants something done, they utilise their best." she smirked, emphasising on the last word. Best. Antonio can't help but laugh.

Commender Fischer, who finally broke the awkward banter, cleared his throat. It was evident that there was heated tension between the two but the District was not a therapy session and was definitely not the place for such reconciliation. "Ok. Well, it's obvious you two are acquainted."

Antonio sighed, "Unfortunately.", rolling his eyes, "We went undercover a few times back in the day in Vice, before she went all FBI."

"You make it sound so horrible."

"It was." Antonio said, remembering the countless amount of times, he had almost gotten himself killed, trying to dig her out of the mess she've made. The endless hours confined to her endless chatter. The troubles he had gotten into by the brass for her. But most of all, he remembered like it was when she left him without as much of an indication that she was leaving him and joining the FBI.

Waking up the next morning only to find her side of the bed empty and all her possessions gone. He was devastated. That day, he not only lost his partner but a fiancé as well.

"You were a real pain in the ass!"

"Whatever, Tonio. I'm not here to walk down memory lane." she said before heading over to Voight and handed him the paperwork, "I take it that you're the boss here."

"Officers, we'll take it from here."

* * *

Eight hours later.

Four hundred and eight minutes later.

Twenty eight thousand and eight hundred seconds later.

An eternity.

An eternity was how long Erin have been in agony, a never-ending series of contractions.

Pain that had her passed out time after time.

Pain that literally tore through her body.

Pain that she begged for the doctors to end. Even her life.

Eight hours later was when Dr. Rhodes finally told Jay that he was able to be with her. The solemn give in his voice definitely didn't go unnoticed in Jay's ears.

It seemed like a lifetime since he had been able to touch Erin, hold her hand in his, the way he did on the ambulance ride to the Chicago Med.

He still was a wreck. The only thing that seemed to seep some calm into his panicked thoughts were the sound of her heart monitor. The soothing sounds echoed in his ears, bringing peace to his aching heart.

The thought of the pain she had to endure was enough to shatter him. He didn't, he couldn't do anything. And all he wanted was to help her.

Erin laid still.

Silently and calmly.

The sedatives, performing it's magic and she was glad to not feel anything, to feel numb and empty for the first time in a very long time.

Though it was minimal, she could still feel the traces of his fingers lacing up and down the underside of her arm.

It was Jay.

She knew it was. The gentleness of the tip of his fingers caressing her skin. The burning sensation she felt with every touch. She knew it was him. Though she tried, she couldn't get herself to pry her eyelids open.

"So what now?" she heard Voight's rough voice. He was concerned.

She wanted to open her eyes, to move, to speak, to ask about _it_ , whether _it_ was gone, but couldn't seem to do any of that. She was frozen. Maybe she wasn't supposed to be awake yet. Maybe her body still needed time to heal.

She couldn't feel _it_.

She felt empty.

"I'm so sorry, Erin." she heard Jay whisper close. His hand with hers as he rested his head on them and cried.

Guilt.

The impending guilt he felt for everything she went through, for everything he knew he was responsible for; from Carlos Solis to last night and now the baby.

"Oh god...I'm so sorry, baby." he cried out this time. His free hand on her swell.

 _It_ didn't move like _it_ should at his touch.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

 _I ran and ran as fast as I could, her tiny palm laced with mine. We sprinted through the dark and long corridor as hasty as our legs prevailed, trying each and every door we passed, praying eventually one would open. Open for us to hide, to evade from the monster. A monster who was quick on his heels. A man who was determined to make us his next victims. But sadly, none would give. Door after door, I frantically twisted, turned and yanked to only be met by its resistance._

 _The adrenaline coursing through my veins was the only hold that was keeping me afloat, other than fighting for this little girl, my little girl._

 _I was so beyond terrified. My heart threatened to pound its way out of my chest and I felt sick to my stomach. He was going to kill her, my baby,_ our _baby. She was his, his DNA, but that didn't matter to him since he wanted a son; an heir to carry the Solis name. He didn't want her. I knew I had to get her out of this house. I had to get her to safety even at the cost of mine._

 _A loud thud echoed through the dark corridor. I felt her tiny hand slip out of my grasp as she landed hard on her stomach._  
 _"Mommy!" her tiny voice shrieked for me. Quickly turning around, though it was dark, I can still see her baby face contorting into painful cries. The corners of her lips twitched to a frown and I rushed to huddle by her side._  
 _"C'mon, baby." I reached down and scooped her trembling body into my arms, "It's gonna be ok." I whispered, kissing her head before continuing to hurry down the corridor._

 _She was completely overwhelmed by fear. At just the tender age of four, she had already witnessed too much violence. Dozens and dozens of cruelty. None of which a kid should be exposed to._

 _Curling into me, burying her tear stained face into the crook of my neck, she threw her tiny arms around and I squeezed her just as tight. Struggling to keep my tears at bay, my heart ached at seeing my child so beyond scared._  
 _I cannot let him kill her. I cannot let her go. It's not an option. At least not anymore._

 _"Is daddy going to hurt us, mommy?" she pulled away and look up at me with her innocence. Tears poured from her hazel eyes and once again I am reminded of her father._

Carlos Solis

 _I managed to plaster a faint smile for her sake, to calm her down, to lighten the darkness that I know will last forever. "I won't let him hurt you, dandelion." I promised a lie, kissing her sweaty forehead once again. Though I wasn't sure for our safety, I was damn sure I'd do anything for her. I'd do anything before her father would have the chance to touch her._

 _At hearing the fast approaching footsteps, I panicked. I couldn't breathe. It was closer than ever. He was closer than ever. We needed to hide. The very air I needed to survive was now getting thicker and thicker, heavier and heavier, threatening to choke me as my chest heaved in erratic gasps._

 _Her tiny palm patted my back. And I let out a whimper. She was so smart, so aware, she must have witnessed my panic attacks thousands of times before. I held onto her tighter, frantically looking around for a way._

 _Suddenly a creaking sound caught our attention and we turned around to see that a door was slowly opening further down the hall. Without a second to spare, I, again, dashed to the opening door, stepping inside the dim, damp and empty room and was startled when the door decided to slam shut behind us with a loud bang._

 _A small voice echoed through the walls, "Mommy..." her voice quivered._

 _After almost jumping out of my skin, I quickly turned around to make sure that he wasn't right behind us. I released a breath of relief, satisfied when there wasn't anyone._

 _Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried desperately to gather the courage, or lack there of, and not be scared._  
 _"We're gonna be ok, baby." I reassured, rubbing circles on her back. She was drenched in cold sweat._

 _But that assurance quickly dissipated when he began pounding at the door. "Open this door you bitch!" he growled._

 _I wrapped my arms around her small body, backing away from the pounding door._

 _I had no idea what to do._

 _She screamed, crying hysterically when the sound of a sledgehammer resonated through the walls._

 _He was breaking down the door._

 _Covering her ears with her hands, "Mommy, I'm scared." she whimpered._  
 _"Shh...Shh...we'll be ok, baby. Mommy will find us a way out." I kissed her, gently combing through her long caramel hair._

 _It was all false hope._

 _We walked right into a trap._

 _We walked right into our death._

 _We had no way out._

 _"You can't keep her from me, sweetheart! She's mine!"_

 _I stood in the middle of emptiness for a long moment, waiting for the world to stop spinning. My head ached tremendously as I tried to come me up with a plan._

 _Nothing._

 _She shook her head, "I should go to daddy. I don't want daddy to hurt you anymore, mommy."_

 _I was lost for words. I wouldn't let that happen. I'm her mother. My soul duty in life was to protect her. He'd have to go through me first._

 _I struggled to refrain the fear and sadness from echoing in my voice._  
 _"No, baby. I'll be ok. Mommy will be ok." I bit my lip._

 _I cannot lose my composure._

 _"Open the damn door you stupid bitch!"_

 _It was now clearly visible that he was trying to pry off the hinges._

 _Surveying the dim room, there had to be a way out. Even if it's just a small space for her to crawl out of. She had to get out of here._

 _Letting her down, I knelt down to her eye level, she looked so frightened. Grief tightened in my chest. "Baby, listen to me," I cupped her chubby cheeks in my palms, wiping the strikes of tears, "I won't let him hurt you, ok. I promise. Now, I want you to listen to mommy very carefully...When I say run, you run, ok?"_

 _She nodded innocently, her hazels glaring into mine. "You run as fast as you can. Don't stop. Don't turn around. Even when he's hurting mommy. Run and never look back. Mommy can take care of herself. She's a big girl." I said, my voice breaking. The tears that I had struggled to contain, slid down my cheeks and I take in a wheezy breath to stop myself from crying._

 _"Can you do that for mommy?" I tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears and she gently wiped my tears away with her tiny palms before nodding again. "Brave girl." I whispered, kissing her forehead. "Mommy loves you."_

 _"Open this door you piece of shit!"_

 _With her hand clutching onto mine, we backed into a corner on the far right. I felt so lightheaded that it took everything in me to stay upright. She hugged her tiny arms around my legs and I leaned further into the wall, obscuring her from her father. It would only be a matter of seconds before the door burst open._

 _Wrapping my arms behind to cover her, I let her little body comfort me, before the door shook and exploded into the room. And once again, I am face-to-face with my tormentor, rapist and the father of my baby._

 _"Daddy's home."_

 _A sob tore from my throat, absolute terror gripped my entire being that I almost fell to my knees as he made his way towards us._

 _"Wow! My two favourite girls!" Carlos clapped his hands, the echoes were as loud as gunshots, ready to burst my eardrums. "You teaching our little girl to defy daddy, huh?"_

 _"Don't come any closer!" I seethed and he cocked his head to one side, roughly pinching my cheek, surprised with my new found courage. Even I was astonished with the venture in my tone since on the inside, I was jelly._

 _Horrified._

 _He took a step back to squat down in front me, peering behind and at the hazels that were his. "C'mon, sweetheart. Ven a papá." he cooed sweetly, opening his arms wide for her._

 _"Carlos!" I ordered, pressing my back further onto the cold wall, "Leave her alone!" I growled to which he didn't listen and continued to reach out for her._  
 _"No tengas miedo, hija. I won't bite. Vamos, salgamos para helado."_

 _She shook her head and buried her face into the back of my thighs and I tightened my grip on my little girl._

 _Towering over us, he snarled, "That wasn't not an option, sweetheart!"_

 _He backhanded me, whipping my head to the side as the cracks on my neck from the intensity of the slap bounced off the walls._

 _"Mommy..." she whimpered._

 _I grunted as pain exploded in my head, a sound rang in my ears. Though it is imminent that all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and cry, I stand my ground. Chanting to myself to be strong._

 _He smiled, a toothy grin as he looked down at the terrified little girl. His flesh and blood. "Mira, hija, ven a tu papá y no haré daño a mamá."_

 _I don't understand what his intentions are, I really don't. I don't understand what possible pleasure he'd get in torturing a four year old. Since I know what he's capable of and I'm not taking any risks._

 _"Carlos, please, she's just four. Don't hurt her. Please. Hurt me! Just-"_

 _His fist connected harshly with my stomach, literally winding me and I groan in pain. Still fighting to stay upright. But when he sees that I am in no position to back down, he grabbed my neck with his thick hands, yanked me forward then bashed my skull into the concrete wall. I can't help but double over in agony, collapsing to the ground. Hence, giving him enough time and space to snatch my baby away from me._

 _"Mommy!" she screamed, an ear screeching scream as she fought him off._

 _I scrambled to my feet, the pain was unbearable. Stumbling and blinking my way up, everything was a blur, "Carlos, don't..." I begged, panic coursing through my veins as I followed suit, "Please don't hurt her. You don't wanna hurt your own child!"_

 _"Don't tell me what I wanna and don't wanna do, sweetheart." he laughed devilishly. He threw her around his shoulders and I watched and listened as she kicked and screamed for me._

 _I have to keep my promise._

 _"Let go of her!" I kicked him roughly on the back with as much strength as I have left and to my content, he stumbled hard onto the cold ground._

 _"RUN!" I shouted the moment he dropped her and I smiled, an encouraging one, when she turned around for a split second before rushing out the door._

 _._

The crackle utter of a low whimper startled Jay. Opening his eyes, with the darkness that engrossed his light, today, he was having the hardest of times distinguishing whether he was in a dream state or not. He ran his hands through his face in frustration. Ready to pull his hair out.

He tried. God knows how fiercely he had tried to accept his fate, that he would never see again. But he couldn't.

He tried. He really did, for Erin. But he couldn't allow himself to burden her with his problems. He didn't want to add even more pressure and stress to her already-strenuous life.

And look where that had gotten them.

Though she kept insisting that she was fine, that she was healed from the pain Carlos had caused, he knew she was lying. He knew by how empty the bed felt. He knew by listening to her cries every night. He knew by how wary and distant she have been. Even with the ones she loves. One can't ever be fully healed. He knew but he refused to acknowledge the fact. He knew but he didn't want to hear it. He knew but he didn't want to think what she had gone through. The nightmares, the tears, the sparing space on their bed, their distance, the mask she puts on every morning. He knew but he wanted to be ignorant. He don't think he can live with himself knowing.

Deciding that ignoring his reality was the best and only option for him, so he too had pulled himself together and chose to play a game of make belief. He put up a fake smile like she always does. Bury his feelings away like she always does. And disregard the real underlying issue like she always does.

And look where that had gotten them.

The hand that was laced with his was now squirming and pulling in his hold and he realised then that he was awake and it was she who have been whimpering. She must be having a nightmare. He can feel the movements on the bed. She must be stirring in her sleep.

"Erin. Wake up." he lightly shook her shoulders.

Suddenly, he felt the swoosh of her arms thrashing in the air as she screamed incoherent mutters.

"Erin. Wake up. It's just a nightmare."

Breathing heavily, she immediately sprung to a sitting position. The little toddler in her dream still haunting her with her powerful screams.

 _Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!_

It was then that Erin seem to finally pry her eyelids open. Squinting at the brightness of the white room that was burning her eyes.

Looking to her left, Jay sat quietly. His eyes were bloodshot red, swollen and glossy. He looks shattered. Devastated even.

"J-Jay.."

She was finally awake.

"Jesus, Erin." he whispered through tears. After hours and hours of impatience, she finally woke up. And he now understood the anguish that consumed her for eleven weeks. Eleven whole weeks of grief because he was in a coma. Being it only thirteen hours, barely even a quarter of what she had gone through, he was an inconsolable wreck. He doesn't have as much strength as she does. And still after everything, the blindness, the everlasting disability, she stood by him, even when he hadn't treated her right. She never left.

Before she could even say anything, he serenaded her cold hands with kisses. Kissing the hands that pleasured him. Kissing them again and again and again. He just couldn't and will never get enough of kissing her.

Standing, hovering over her, he caressed her cheek. Not believing his ears. She divulged in his touch and pressed her lips to his wrist. She loves him so much. Too much.

"Hey." she croaked. Wondering why it was so difficult to get that one word out, it was then that she realised she have been crying.  
"Hey." his voice so soft and gentle that it pained her. The truth lies in that very word.

She tried to control herself, tried to swallow the pain and to put the mask back on. She needed to be strong for him, needed to keep it together so that he believes she's alright. Like she always have.

But she couldn't. And this time her emotions got the best of her. Emotions that were too painful to conceal and disguise. Pain, fear and exhaustion, she simply couldn't do it anymore. She remembered the other night.

The paramedic.

The doctors.

The labour.

 _It_.

She couldn't feel _it_ anymore.

Just like that, tears streamed down her cheeks and she gasped for air, trying desperately to fight it.

"Er..." Jay choked, hearing her pained sobs. He felt as though he was breaking just at listening to her painful cries.

The bed sank with his weight after he carefully patted down the edge of the bed, slowly but surely found his way to be closer to her. Gently and tenderly wrapped her in his arms. Warmth had taken hold of her body and she finally let go, crying in his chest.

"I lost the baby, didn't I?" Erin asked after a long moment of silence. The only definite sounds were the sounds of her cries.

The moment she forced her eyes open, she wanted to touch her swell so immensely. To feel _it_. To feel _it's_ heat radiating into the palms of her hands. But she couldn't. She feared _it_ wouldn't be there. The little girl in her dream was gone, much to her reality.

Her face still pressed into his chest, holding her breath. She couldn't face him. She didn't want to see the answer.

" _She's_ safe with you." he murmured into her temple. Slowly bringing his hand down to her bump.

Four hundred and eighty exhausting minutes of brutal pain and two doses of terbutaline later, the preterm labour had finally stopped.

At the beginning, as the contractions were so close together and only getting closer and closer, the doctors had thought that delivery was imminent. That the baby was coming at merely five months, and would barely even survive through the night. The obstetrics and maternity were called in and were ready when the miracle second dose began to slow down the contractions. By the next evening, it had completely stopped.

All hell broke loose and Jay listened as his strong and mighty girlfriend lost the fight to control the dam that flooded her eyes. Further soaking his shirt and he soothingly squeezed her closer.

" _She_?" Erin sniffled.

Nodding, "Yeah. Will kinda blurted it out." with his fingers, he combed through her tangled hair.

At first, he wasn't too certain whether she'd be pleased to know of _it's_ gender and had actually thought of not telling her but now that he knows she loved _her_ enough to relinquish at the thought of losing _her_ , he couldn't contain himself.

"She fought just as hard as you did. She's strong like her momma." he kissed her temple, inhaling her damp hair. The sweet scent of exhaustion was evident. He loves every single element about her. She's flawless.

"I was...I was so scared." she said softly.

To think back, not so long ago, two months ago, when she had first found out that she was pregnant, she wanted to be so far away from it as possible, so far from the thought of carrying a rapist child. A child, she didn't want. A child, she shouldn't and couldn't have. A child that was conceived in the most petrifying way. But then something had clicked inside of her, something changed and now this little girl, _her little girl_ , has become her entire world. She never knew one could have so much love for someone they had never even laid eyes upon. She already has so much love for her. So much so that she knows she wouldn't be able to live without her.

"Me too. But Will says everything looks good. Her heartbeat is strong." he smiled, remembering how fast his own heart had thud the second her fast paced swooshing echoed in the room this afternoon. Even Voight was astonished.

"But I, I can't feel her."

"She must be tired. After what you both went through, I don't blame her."

Only then that she realised of the position Jay was confined to. He barely could even fit half of his body on the edge of her bed, the dangled half must have been struggling to keep him from falling.  
"I'm so sorry. You must be..." she said, carefully scooting over to the other end and he willingly hauled himself a little more comfortably, still holding her close.

"I should be the one who's sorry." he whispered, she pulled away from his chest and looked at him. Looked at his red-rimmed, glossy eyes, his trembling lips, and wondered why should he be sorry. He hasn't done anything wrong.

She doesn't know what it was but seeing him cry ignited a different kind of pain deep inside. An unexplainable agony. It simply hurts. "Jay, please don't cry. Please."

He couldn't. He couldn't bury his feelings anymore. He wasn't as skilled as her. It may be easy for Erin but it was taking a toll on him, both; mentally and physically.

Rarely did she ever seen him cry. And now she wished she never did. Their tears fell in sync down their cheeks. She stared into his eyes and cupped his face in her hands. Forgetting for a split second that what he sees isn't anything but darkness. He must be so frightened.

"I'm sorry...I couldn't do anything to help you...You needed me...And I'm...I'm so useless, so stupid...so so stupid..." he spat in so much animosity towards himself. She was in absolute sorrow at his choice of words.

 _Stupid?_

Never. It pains her that he thought of himself that way. He's perfectly perfect just the way he is. He've been making progress and learning so quickly that one wouldn't think, merely three months ago, he could barely even stand on his own.

Had she needed help?

Yes. Very much so.

Was she in pain?

Yes. Very much so.

But all that didn't matter anymore. She's fine. The baby's healthy. That's what matters. She'll never hold it against him. She knew for certain; if he could, he would've carried her to the car and drive off to Med himself. And she understood very well why he couldn't.

It was her fault.

"Stop it." she said firmly, placing her hand on his fists that was curling in disgust on the hospital sheets, "Stop it. Stop it. Don't say that...You have no idea how much you've helped me...I was broken..."

Growing up the way she did, without love, care and support, and in constant poverty, the unspeakable things she had to do and witness to survive on the streets for food and shelter, she had taught herself to have a tough exterior and compartmentalise her emotions because weakness had never gotten her anywhere. Weakness brought her nothing but misery.

"I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved...or that anyone would care enough about us to listen..."

Nobody made an effort or had done anything to help her and her brother. Not her teachers who were definitely aware of the neglect for years. Not the Child Protective Services who chose to ignore their case, case no. 218. They were just another file that was tossed in their busy office. Not the system who just further fuelled the abuse. Not the foster care who just wanted the paycheque. And definitely, not her parents who were the root of all the problems.

"No one has ever really loved me...Everyone...left...they left me all alone." she said in a whisper as her mind to her back to many years ago.

"Er?"

"Huh, what?"

Snapping back to the present, she shook her head, shaking away memories that should stay locked away.

"Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere." she nuzzled her nose against him, wrapping her arms tightly around his torso. "What I'm saying is, you've helped me in the best way possible and that's by loving me for _me_."

She gently and lovingly kissed his chest, inhaling his scent. "Please, please don't leave me...Please."

Knowing very well that she wouldn't be strong enough the second time around if anything would have happen to Jay. She can't ever tell him about her affair. He'll leave her and she can't live without him. She might as well be dead.

His heart ached at hearing her plead. And he wondered how many people have given her the reason to fear loneliness.

No life is certain, definitely not his. He can't guarantee but he had to say what she needed to hear. "I won't." He pressed his lips to the top of her head, "I'll never leave you _ **."**_

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Thanks for reading! What do you think of this chapter? Sorry, I just couldn't kill the baby. Comment and let me know!**_


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

"Hey...What are you doing here?" Adam said as he opened the door to his apartment. It was way too early or late for this. He doesn't even know what time it was for that matter. But he was sure it was too early for his friends to show up for no apparent reason.

It was just another day on this earth for him. Another day with nothing on this planet. Another day without Kim. So it was just another day, an ordinary day, another day to get wasted.

"We were on our way to see Erin and thought we'd stop by..." Antonio said eyeing him. Adam can't help but surpass a laughter. The rapist baby get to live and his Kim didn't. Life made so much sense to him.

"You look like shit bro!" Kevin exclaimed.

"Yea, well, caught a cold..." he said, quickly clearing his throat to exaggerate his point. "What can I say...the weather..." he shrugged and walked back into his apartment with Antonio and Kevin following behind.

Both exchanged glances of pure disgust of what had died in this apartment. One might say it was Adam who had died when she did.

"What are you doing man?" Kevin asked, hurt that his buddy was hurting himself this way. He wasn't the only one who had lost someone he loved, he did too. They all did.

"Living." he stated flatly and took a swig of one of his many beers on the coffee table as he slouched on the couch.

"You call this living?" Antonio asked nonchalantly, picking a half eaten chicken wing off the couch and flicked it somewhere across the room.

Suddenly a half naked woman appeared down the hall, from his room and parked herself at the archway. "Adam, baby. I'm cold. Why don't you come warm me up?"

'Why don't you put some clothes on then?' Antonio thought. They were very much angered by his choice of dealing with grief. But everyone has their ways.

"Why don't you go and get started for me, Candice?" he shouted from where he was.

"My name's Kendall." she scoffed.

"K!"

Turning his attention get to his friends, "What were you saying?"

"Hard as you might think, Adam, but drinking and women won't fix anything."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing needs to be fixed." he shrugged.

Antonio got up from the couch with Kevin following behind, looking straight into Adam, "Kim wouldn't be pleased with...this..." he said with disgust before heading out the door.

* * *

"Oh, Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly..." he exhaled, looking up at the white ceiling above as he laid on his bed with an aloof Bunny sleeping soundly next to him.

"Well, what else can I say than...I'm sorry?"

After Bunny had told him that his child, his _son_ , his heir was still indeed alive and that his unfit mother couldn't actually get herself to go through the abortion, that in fact he had read the signals wrong, he realised Kim didn't really need to go. He had just wanted to teach Erin a valuable lesson. A lesson that would scar her for life.

A life for a life.

But he had to admit, Kim was a delight, just like Erin. An enjoyment that he wished he could relive again. The fight, the chasing, the resistance and the tightness were all too exhilarating. She was just like Erin.

Shaking his head at the memories, "You cops are wild, one hellava ride...really do know how to please a man." he gave out a wicked laugh.

"Hey, who the hell are you talking to?" Bunny stirred awake, turning towards him before wrapping her arms around his torso.

"Shh...go back to sleep..."

He was right back on track.

* * *

Right now as Erin lightly snored through the night, Jay listened to the rhythm of her heart as she rested her head peaceful on his chest. For the first time in days, he was finally content with the tempo he was listening to.

Having spent the past couple of nights completely wide awake, paranoia fuelled his thoughts, he was afraid that another attack would occur out of the blue and he'd be helpless all over again. So he told himself that he needed to be on high alert for the possibility. Even if it meant to not sleep a wink.

"I'm sorry." his voice was soft as he gently rub the smooth skin of her arm. That was all he could say lately. He felt guilty, responsible even. Brushing her damp hair that smelt like vanilla, he leaned in to place a soft kiss on her hair.

Sighing in disappointment, he tenderly reached out, slowly and gently finding his way to her bump. Not wanting to hurt her or the baby. Once he felt the heat of her skin radiating through the fabric of her hospital gown under his palm, he smiled, calmly caressing her slightly protruding belly that he can only feel. Leaving the rest to imagination.

For the longest time, he longed for a perfect family of his own. Something he had never had as a child. Though he had a family and loving parents, they were far from perfect.

He had envisioned to watch the mother of his child nester their creation for nine months, watching as she grew more beautiful by the day. But now that simple vision will just be another unfulfilled dream, a fragment of his imagination, he will never even have the chance to see it happen. Ever.

He has his dream woman but without his sight how on earth can he see.

He's blind.

Suddenly, almost as if to kick him out of his glum, the little girl inside kicked beneath his palm. It was faint but it was clearly there.

"Thank god." Jay was elated beyond words and he smiled with happy tears escaping his eyes. Being it the first time in two days she had actually moved.

Erin's eyes shot up, almost bulging out of her sockets. Her breaths were pushed right out of her lungs as the foetus kicked again and again and again.

" _She's_ kicking." Erin exhaled as she propped herself on her elbows, running a hand over her swell. Intertwining her fingers with his.  
"See! What'd I told you? She's a fighter. Just like you." he assured, keeping a hold of her hand and looking down at her.

Darkness.

Tears welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, she was suddenly hit with a huge dose of reality. This time, smacking her pretty hard across the face.

Ever since she knew of _her_ existence, she was so adamant on abortion that she really thought she wouldn't even make it this far along. She simply couldn't bring another life into this cruel world, a life that was created with so much hate. She's not ready for such responsibility. She's not ready to face _her_. She doesn't know if she'll ever be. But she loves _her_. She knows she does. _She's_ already her entire world.

So why on earth is she feeling this way?

"Oh my god, Jay. What am I doing? I can't be a mom! I can't have _her_!" she cried, running her hands through her hair. She's back to where she started.

Most expecting mothers would have been over the moon at feeling their baby kick for the first time but for her, it was another wake up call.

Carlos was right. He'll always be a part of her.

"I can't. What if I end up like Bunny?"

Shooting up heroin just to get through the day. From needing the relief once a day to craving it every hour.

The stress and pressure of having two rug rats running around the house had caused Bunny to seek relief in illicit drugs.

In all retrospect, addiction is in her DNA. She already, kind of, sort of, have a problem. There's a high level of probability for her to end up just like her mother.

A junkie.

What if _she_ will be taken away from her?

What if _she_ gets put into the system?

A place where no child should be.

They were taken away from Bunny and bounced around the system. She knows the feeling all too all. The abandonment. The abuse. The neglect. Though life with Bunny was miserable, it was far better than foster homes or group homes and the street. At the very least they were with their mother.

 _She_ will sure be a constant reminder of her father, of the torturous days in Colombia. She already is. Every kick is a reminder. She knows she can't handle that kind of pressure; she's not strong enough. And it wouldn't be fair to _her_. And _she's_ innocent in all this mess. And _she_ deserves a mother who's strong and stable to look at her and not see what she sees; rapes. But she can't, she cannot give up on _her_ or give _her_ up to some stranger. She's not strong enough for that either.

"Hey, look at me," he said as he sat up, extending both of his hands out for her and she kindly tightened her grasp around his strong hold and gazed into his calming ocean blue eyes. "Don't let Bunny define who you are. You're nothing like her. You're caring of others, kind, loving, accomplished...An absolute polar opposite." he brought her hands to his lips and kissed them, "You'll be a great mom, I know you will...You already are, Er. You love her enough to not give up on her. And that speaks volumes. Right now, it's just all beginning to become so...real and you're just scared."

It had hit her like a tonne of bricks, Jay was right. She was scared. In fact, she was terrified but for a whole other reason.

"Carlos..." she whispered. Closing her eyes for a few moments before she laid her head back against the pillow, allowing the sudden ferment of memories to torment her once again.

The devil.

 _Her_ father.

A disgusting excuse for a human being.

Erin was frightened of the fact that he was still out there. And with his irrationality, his plans for her and her, _their_ , unborn child were a constant illusion. She doesn't know what to expect.

"Erin-" Jay said, gently rubbing her arm to calm her, sensing her panic. She was trembling like a leaf. He knows he shouldn't push her limits again. He can't go through a repeat of last time.

Though scared, he wanted her to confide in him. To let out the hurt Carlos had caused but he knows it would be a long shot. Two month has gone by and she was still hiding from him, hesitant about her surroundings. That was why she almost lost the baby; she was constantly stressed. She had pressured herself into a preterm labour.

He needed her to be ok again, to be the Erin he had fallen in love with, strong and assured, to be back to the way life once was. To five months ago where life was as simple as they can be. To when it was just them against the world, _Voight_.

She knows that he knows. What else would they need to talk about?

She can't help but flinch violently, at the unexpected contact. Carlos was in her head again. Consuming her thoughts. He was in her ear again. Telling her what she knew was true.

 _Jay doesn't want you._

 _Jay's going to leave you._

 _Jay wouldn't want a slut._

 _Jay wouldn't want that thing inside you._

He drew his hand back, shocked. His eyes wide with guilt. Glad that he couldn't see. She had never recoiled from him before. And it pained him deeply to know that the effects of Carlos was still so evident. So he decided to let it go for now. She's still so very emotionally weak. If only he could bring _it_ up and not have her panic again.

"I'm sorry, Jay." she said. She couldn't reach his gaze even when she knew he would never notice.

As she was so wrapped up in her head, in all the stomach churning memories, she didn't realise that she had been crying and shaking the entire time.

Taking a deep breath, Erin swallowed the pain, burying it back inside before exhaling. She raised her hand and reached over to caress his cheek. To let him know that she was fine. At the same time, finding that simple act soothing.

He looked up at her, his eyes scouring and he exhaled a shaky breath. He took hold of her hands that were on his cheeks and intertwined their fingers together. "I won't let him hurt you and the baby. I promise."

Impossible.

How on earth will he protect them when he can't even see?

"Can I kiss you?"

"Of course." she nodded, scared. She hadn't kissed him in a long time. Bewildered that he had to ask for her permission. He's always welcome to. But she appreciated his chivalry, loving him more deeply for his expressed solicitude over her wariness.

Leaning in, he gently cupped her chin, holding her in place and she closed her eyes. Her breath hitched in her lungs as he dropped a tender kiss onto her aching lips. His gentle lips caressing hers as his tongue slowly slid into her mouth. Exploring her leisurely, never increasing the intensity. It was as if he was trying to meticulously memorise every detail of her tender lips.

A pang of sadness stung her heart, she wished they could go back in time, to when they were both happy, to when they weren't hurt. Simply wishing for this kiss to last forever since happy endings never does.


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

Jay's eyes were locked on what he knew was the ceiling. He laid on his back, hands knitted together, resting them on his abdomen. This, like every other morning, was the worst, it was one of the hardest things he had to do. _Waking_ _up_ was a constant reminder of reality.

The fact that he's blind.

He reached out for Erin, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms, allowing her warmth to calm his nerves. But he quickly realised, with the empty space next to him, that she wasn't there. He's alone.

Again.

Like every morning. She's always out of bed before he is.

He was exhausted. He couldn't sleep. Not ever since Erin was rushed to the hospital. Not ever since they came back home almost a week ago.

As much as he tried to be her rock, he was terrified. Much more than her. He was an embarrassment. He have never been so powerless in his entire life. Not in the Rangers. Not in Afghanistan. Not when he was taken over a year ago.

He just doesn't want to let her down anymore. Letting that happen one too many times before. He loves her, almost obsessed with her. He doesn't want her to be sad.

He have been patient, allowing her the chance to talk to him at her on pace but the longer time passes, the longer she pretends she's fine.

It was as if she had a schedule. Almost every night or sometimes even during the day, she would hide in the bathroom and cry. Through the running water, he could clearly hear her muffled cries. But there was nothing he could do. It was a feeling that was no stranger to him. He felt helpless.

She doesn't want his help. At least she was crying. That's better than keeping it all bottled up. All he could do was lay on the bed and listen. He might as well go deaf at this point.

What's left for him to do on this planet anyway?

Though he was very much dependent on his pregnant girlfriend, he wasn't entirely hanging on her. He doesn't want to be. Wanting to do simple tasks on his own, he asked her to help him with those simple things, the second they got home a few days ago.

Now, he could do a few things all by himself like getting to the phone. That was something very important to him. Also, he kind of, sort of could get around the apartment on his own. It was still a work in progress.

Jay had to learn how to be human again. He felt like he had lost himself, like he didn't belong with the human race anymore. He doesn't know who this incompetent person is. This guy's unrecognisable.

He's a cop. A veteran for the Rangers. A sharp shooter.

He shouldn't be blind.

Being blind made him realise how much of a gift sight was. A gift that one might take for granted. He knows he did. He knows he would never be able to see the hue of the sky at sunset or the blue of the ocean or the white blanket that covered the city. Not Erin's forest green eyes or her everlasting dimples. Not his brother's stupid grin or Voight scowling at him. He would never see any of those again. All he had were memories. He could never see their faces again but they're all still here with him. He could still hear their voices. He could still touch them.

He's going to be okay.

That's what he kept telling himself every morning.

 _You're going to be okay._

He doesn't even believe his own words.

Pulling the covers away, Jay pulled his legs out from under the blankets and swung his feet over to the side. He stood up, turned to his left and reached out for the wall that he knew was there to guide him to the bathroom.

Counting his steps, he walked slowly, "One, two, three, four, five..."

As expected, his toes touched the cool bathroom tiles. He repeated his routine of brushing his teeth and washing his face before heading towards the shower. This alone took weeks to perfect.

It was hard not being able to see. He couldn't drive. He couldn't watch TV or the game. He couldn't play basketball with his brother like he used to. He couldn't go back to work. He couldn't defend himself physically anymore. He felt trapped.

And he was. He was trapped in his own body.

The first few weeks was the hardest. As a young boy who have always been frightened of the dark, being trapped in a hollow world of darkness was deathly.

 _What was he supposed to do?_

 _How was he supposed to live this way?_

He asked himself those questions every day at the beginning, much to anyone's knowing. Not until Will told him what had happened to Erin, that she was pregnant, he was adamant in leaving this world. It ran crystal clear in his head that he didn't want to be a burden on anyone. He didn't want to live anymore. He contemplated taking his own life.

But after much thought, he realised that he couldn't leave Erin. She wouldn't be able to take it. He can't do that to her. He might as well kill her too.

To a degree, he's _happier_ now.

He exited the shower and reached for the rack on his right for a towel that Erin had laid out for him. He was grateful for her and her patience. He hoped that ten years, twenty years down the road, she still would be this helpful and be there for him since Erin and the baby were the only reason why he's still on this planet.

Now, he slowly and carefully walked over to the stand, careful not to slip, and reached for the clothes she picked out for him. He ran his fingers very slowly over the various fabrics. He could tell by the article of clothing that this was his favourite blue and black checkered flannel. And from what he was told he looked dashing wearing it.

After pulling on a pair of jeans, and not stumbling, he was ready for his physical therapy and visual impairment class. He felt like an elementary schoolboy all over again. Over twenty years ago, it was his mother who would help him get ready for school and now, it's Erin.

He's embarrassed. He's a grown man.

The smell of pancakes registered his last four senses, distracting him from his thoughts. The homey smell of butter and batter reached his nostrils. Reminding him of his dear late mother. The onslaught of memories and aroma assaulted his brain with mouthwatering images of fluffy, warm goodness.

His stomach was grumbling.

But he had to make the bed first. That he could try doing on his own. He didn't want more chores for Erin to do.

With a sigh, Jay grabbed his backpack, that he knew was where he had left it from the day before, and his folded cane before twisting the knob of the bedroom door, heading for the kitchen.

"Er?" he called out, practically glued to the wall which was acting as his guidance.

"In the kitchen." she replied.

Though she wanted to assist him, he have insisted multiple times that he needed to do things on his own. He needed to do be independent.

 _Five more ste-_

There was a loud thug as Jay stumbled on a stool that shouldn't have even been there in the first place. Landing on his side, the cane and backpack fell out of his grasp.

Seconds later, he heard the scuffling of her slippers as she hurried to his aid from the kitchen. "Jay, are you ok?"

"I'm fine." he said with a smile, masking his embarrassment. His pride was hurt more than anything. "No. Don't. I can get up myself." he said. He didn't want his pregnant girlfriend to be bending down or having extra pressure when not needed.

"Just a blind man trying to see." he chuckled.

"Well, you look handsome today." she smiled, smoothing out his collar. Taking note of his flannel and slicked back damp auburn curls.

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into a hug, the baby in between them. She tensed at the closeness of their bodies, reminding herself that this was only Jay. He would never lay a finger on her.

"Morning." he whispered into her ear, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

They stayed in each other's embrace, silent, for a lot longer than they both had anticipated.  
"Something's burning..." he scrunched his nose, sniffing the air. With one sense eliminated, all his other four senses seemed to heighten. At least that's what he made himself to believe.

"Oh shit!"

He heard her dash back into the kitchen and turned the stove off.

She grunted in annoyance. She's useless. She can't even make a proper breakfast. What kind of a girlfriend is she?

Jay's going to leave her. She knows he will.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

He appreciated that she tried. That meant more to him. "Erin, it's ok."

"No, it's not..." she sighed, and threw the burnt piece in the trash. "I just wanted it to be perfect."

She doesn't just want things to be perfect, she needed them to be _perfected_. She can't afford to lose him. She needed him. Somehow she had convinced herself that if she does everything right, give him everything that he needed, please him to his heart's content, he won't ever leave her.

He wouldn't have a choice but to stay with a screwup like her since she's providing him with everything a man needs.

But who would want to be with her?

"Baby, don't beat yourself up. It's just one pancake." he took a step and reached a hand out for her.

 _Affection_.

This was what he needed.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she told herself to take his hands, to act normal.

 _It's just Jay_.

"But I just wanted to do something nice for you." she frowned and allowed Jay to pull her into his embrace again. Doubling check the stove to make sure it was off.

He placed a kiss on her forehead before pulling her all the way into his arms. "You being with me is all the nice I need."

She sighed and laid her head against his chest. Letting the beating of his heart calm her nerves.

Jay pulled back and looked at her eyes, or at least he thought it was her eyes. "You're beautiful."

He needed to let her know.

She blushed. Even when she knew he couldn't actually have known, he couldn't see the mess that stood before him. With his words; he still managed to make her feel like she's the only woman in this world.

Smacking him against the chest, "C'mon. Go eat your pancakes." she took him by the hand and lead him over to the kitchen table where he sat on his usual seat and felt for the knife and fork.

"Want more maple syrup?"

"Yes, please." he said with his mouthful. "Aren't you gonna have any?"

"I did but it made me nauseous." she said. She doesn't even want to be thinking about food right now.

It turns out one could still have morning sickness throughout their entire pregnancy. And it just so happened to happen to her. At her second trimester, the morning sickness was still very much present.

"You gotta eat something."

"I will when I feel better."

He can hear the unease in her undertone. He doesn't know whether to push her or not.

"Don't worry, we'll be fine." she said before he heard the water of the kitchen sink running.

She's washing dishes.

This isn't right. It doesn't feel appropriate to be eating when Erin isn't. So he put down his utensils and counted four steps over to the sink.

He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him, pulling her back onto him. He felt her tense around him his hold.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

 _She can do this._

 _She's ready._

Shaking her head, Erin continued with the washing, and leaned back onto him. Pressing herself further into him. Telling herself that it was just Jay. "Nothing."

Jay smiled, placing a soft kiss on the back of her neck. "You want me to rub your feet or something?"

She chuckled and took a deep breath when he slid his hands down the side of her bare arms. "No. I'll be fine. You're gonna be late for your class."

"I've been told I give the best massages." he placed a second and third kiss on both her shoulders and ran his hand down the hem of her shirt.

His hands slid under her shirt and up her sides of her body. He smiled against the crock of her neck when he heard her sigh as she laid her head back against his shoulder.

 _She's can do this._

 _She's ready._

Erin closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She knew it was Jay who was touching her, making her feel this way, but somehow all she saw was Carlos. She screamed at herself to stop panicking and enjoy being in the arms of the man she loves.

She tried to let herself relax as Jay run his hands up her bare skin and stop just under her breast before moving his hand to caress the top of her small bump. She tensed as she felt his teeth skim down the curve of her neck.

Her heart pounded harshly against her chest as memories began flashing in her head.

 _Carlos was on top of her._

"Jay..." she said in a shaky breath, bitting her lip to suppress a whimper. She wanted this. She thinks she does. She needed to give herself to him. She can't lose him.

"Hmmm..." he murmured against her shoulder as he brought his other hand to the bottom of her shirt.

 _Carlos was ripping at her clothes._

 _She can do this._

 _She's ready_.

"Stop..." she breathed out barely above a whisper as she squirmed beneath unbeknownst to Jay, himself.

He moaned against her ear as his hand travelled down her belly and in between. She felt his body responding to her core behind her.

Her heart pounded so hard she thought it might explode out of her chest. She can still feel _him_ , smell _his_ sweat, _his_ weight crushing her petite body.

She froze.

Fear

 _She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe through the disgust she was feeling. Waiting for it to end, waiting for him to stop. Carlos' hands were greedily groping at her, shoving his fingers deep inside of her, twisting hard. She bit her lip to fight back the sob that choked her._

 _"Still fighting it, sweetheart?" he whispered into her ear before inserting more fingers into her, pushing deeper. She turned away, trying to breathe through it all but it was too much, way too much, so she screamed..._

That's exactly what she did.

She screamed. The same way she did at that haunted mansion.

"Erin! Erin! Erin!"

Just then she realised, he have long stopped kissing her, keeping his distance, and instead been calling out for her to snap out of whatever trance she was in.

He can hear her trembling like a leaf as she let out pained whimpers.

 _She thought she could do it._

 _She thought she was ready._

"Er..." he reached out for her hand but she shoved him harshly by the chest, like he was the one who had violated her, and backed herself further to the kitchen counter.

Stumbling a little, he grabbed onto the edge of the table, steadying himself.

"Erin, I'm so sorry." he looked to where she was and ran a hand through his short auburn hair. "I didn't mean to..."

Erin felt more hot tears well up and burned her eyes as they continued to spill. "It's ok." she wiped her hands on her pants, "It's ok...I'm going to go take a shower."

It has to be ok, she can't let him leave.

Her voice was filled with so much sorrow.

He didn't mean to.

"Erin!"

"I'm fine, Jay." Erin insisted as she walked towards the bathroom. "Just leave me alone, ok?"

She's not fine. She definitely isn't. He can hear it in her voice.

Still standing there, Jay heard the bathroom door close and a few minutes later the shower was running.

How stupid can he be?

Of course she wasn't ready. He just threw _this_ onto her. He caught her off guard and now, she's freaking out.

What was he thinking?

Jay was thinking of himself. He missed her so much and all he wanted was to be close to her, as close as one could be. They haven't had been this intimate with her in months; he just wanted to feel her.

He knows he was at fault here.

.

Erin sat in the shower on the cold tile floor, still in her clothes. Steam filled the shower as the scalding hot water began stinging her skin. Turning her exposed skin bright red.

She failed.

She failed him. All she wanted was to be the perfect girlfriend and give him everything.

 _He's going to leave her._

She cursed at herself, balling her hands into fists then smacking them into the white porcelain wall. Over and over again until the pain became unbearable.

She deserved this.

She couldn't even please him. She couldn't even make him a proper breakfast. She couldn't do anything right. It's been over five months since they had sex and he _needed_ that. She can feel him. And she can't even give him sex.

The only reason she had sex with Adam that night was because she was drunk and as high as a kite. Hence, making the dumbest decision.

What if she could only have sex when she's drunk or high?

What if that's what all sex is to her now?

Something that she cannot enjoy.

He, Carlos, took intimacy away from her. He took everything from her. She has nothing left anymore. She can't do anything without having flashbacks or without hearing _him_ , seeing _him_.

She pulled her legs closer to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. The baby kicking inside her like there was no tomorrow. As if _she_ knew _her_ mother was hurting; trying to calm for down. But it wasn't working, it just further reminded her of _him_.

Jay deserved better than an addict.

Erin couldn't fight the tears any longer no matter how much she tried. Placing her head on her knees and started sobbing uncontrollably as she looked at her red and swollen knuckles.

She doesn't want him to leave her.

What if he gets frustrated with her and leaves?

She doesn't want him to leave her.

What if he finds someone else?

Someone with less baggage.

* * *

Rituals.

A neurotic compulsion one must perform to feel a sense of stability in one's life, to drown in something constant especially when that variable was to be threatened everyday. It could be as simple as making sure the doors were locked before leaving the house or as complicated as counting each and every lamppost one pass by when walking down the street.

For Antonio Dawson, it was making sure he got to work at exactly ten minutes past eight in the morning. Twenty minutes to spare. Giving him plenty of time to catch up on the news while enjoying his coffee; also something that he truly is passionate about. But before buzzing himself upstairs, he'd hand Platt her caramel macchiato that he picked up for her on his way and say a silent prayer to the Virgin Mary for sanctuary and strength for him and his team, what's left of them at least.

But this morning, his sense of assurance was depleted as an unfamiliar face presented herself in the far right corner of the office space. He knew it. He knew something bad was bound to happen when he didn't see the old man at the newspaper stand who was always kind enough to ask how his morning was. He just knew it. He should've seen it coming. It not only happened once before but twice instead. At both times, his partners in life left him. His wife, Laura, and Tasha, his ex-fiancé.

He can't believe Voight would do such a thing. He can't believe he even have the nerve to did this.

How could he?

Now?

Already?

Eyeing Atwater, one of the still remaining Intelligence originals, he gave him a shrug of sympathy that said he too was bewildered and confused. As he walked into the bullpen this morning, he saw her, blonde hair, blue eyes, thinking she must have gotten into the wrong building.

With a nod, Antonio walked over to the desk that should not have been occupied, he tried to hide his intense expression since she definitely was not at fault here. He hated change and in the past couple of months, there have been way to many changes. Too many, he could barely even count them.

"Who are you?" he scowled. His tone was harsher than he had intended to express.

She rose from the seat, startled, before nervously extending a hand to the senior detective. "Ahh...Hi, Kate Lansing." she greeted and he politely shook her hand. "You must be Antonio Dawson." she gave him a soft smile and chuckled. Trying her best to lighten the tension of her presence in this very room. She knows they would be giving her a hard time. She knows they wouldn't be accepting of her and she knows they might never.

From what she had heard from the police community and gossip, her presence at the Intelligence Unit would be unwelcome. But what else could she do?

She was offered a position at the specialised unit, one that she cannot decline.

"Look, I heard about Detective Halstead and Detective Lindsay...I, ahh, I'm so sorry but I do hope that we could all work together without any animosity and just be professional."

Arching a brow, he crossed his arms, "Uh-huh. Don't get too comfortable..." he spat.

"Wha-" she opened her mouth to protest but he was already marching towards Sergeant Voight's office.

Bursting the fragile door open, "I can't believe you had Jay replaced! What's wrong with you!" he shouted at his superior, never minding the widely opened door or the fact that with his tone, having Jay replaced was the least of his worries.

Voight kept his gaze on Antonio who hadn't moved an inch from where he stood by the door. He doesn't need this. He doesn't need to explain his decisions to anyone. He's the Sergeant. He's the boss, the one who's in-charge.

 _What's wrong with him?_

This happens when you start to get soft with your subordinates. They quickly forget who they're talking to, who's calling the shots.

"Now, if I were you, Dawson, I'd think my next words carefully." his gravelly voice shot out harsh enough to send shivers down his spine.

He needs this job.

Turning around, he closed the door, looking out at the bullpen. Kate Lansing was nowhere to be found. She must have felt so uncomfortable. He shouldn't have been so rude. He was acting as if he was a child.

"Look, Sarge, I'm sorry for blowing up at you but you didn't have to replace Jay." he said as he took a seat opposite from him. Finally relaxed.

He wasn't fighting for Erin because he knew no matter what, her spot in Intelligence, unlike everyone else's, have been practically written in stone. No matter what she does or what happens, her job will always be secured. That's the perks of having your father as your boss.

"Listen to me, Dawson..." Voight leaned forward, tossing his glasses to the side, "We gotta be practical here. Someone has to. We're down three men..."

It was the harsh truth. Ruzek, Halstead and Lindsay. From seven members to a whopping four. They were down to only half the original and to think back, the past five months, how had they even managed to function with just four men. He knew there were plenty of overtime and restless nights and fillers but he hadn't actually realised the pressure they were all in up until now.

"Ok. Yea. We can get Ruzek back and forget about whatever stupid thing he and Lindsay had and Erin could come back after she has the baby. And Jay could still have his spot." he suggested. Adam needed to come back to work or else he would be digging himself to any early grave with the lifestyle he now was living.

Voight let out a huge sigh while shaking his head. He doesn't get it. Antonio doesn't get that Jay can't ever get his job back, at this Unit or anywhere else at the Police Department.

He's blind.

It's as simple as that.

"Jay can't go out in the field anymore. He can't see. As harsh as it might sound...someone has to say it; he can't do anything for this Unit. He can't and that's a fact." Voight nodded as he watched Antonio's face squibbed in realisation.

"What if his sight comes back?"

"Then, the same position will be offered to him. After passing all the psych evals and all the necessary tests, his position will be offered back to him. But I talked to his doctors; they don't seem hopeful."

Having talked to Will and Jay's neurologist a few days ago before Erin had been discharged, he was told that it was virtually impossible for his sight to be restored, that the impairment have been permanent and everlasting.

Voight was saddened by the truth. He really was. Halstead was a damn good detective.

"I'm only doing what best for this Unit."

Antonio nodded. He wanted to be mad but he didn't know who he was supposed to be angry at. No one here were at fault. He was getting mad at the wrong person. It was no one's fault but Carlos. But that was like averting the blame at no one, at the air. He knew he wouldn't get any sort of relief by doing that.

He somewhat felt responsible for Jay, responsible for his blindness and the darkness that he now was in. In fact, he was the one who introduced him to Intelligence. He was the one who helped him set up an interview with Voight. He never should have. In that way, he never would've been blind. Maybe that's why he was so affected by all this?

Voight shook his head, remembering who had he been talking to before the volcano erupted.

"Got a body at Rodgers Park. Take Lansing with you."

* * *

Again. He should've known. Today was bound to be a bad day. First the new detective replacing Jay. And now a body, meaning someone have been killed. And to make matters worse, Voight partnered him with her. A cruel joke. He was doing this purposely to let him know who the boss is.

Again. His almost-perfect morning have been disrupted by the flashing red and blue lights as well as police yellow caution tape adoring the open space at Rogers Park.

"What do we have?" Antonio asked, slapping on a pair of gloves as they approached Chicago's newest victim. Ignoring the curious bystanders, he knelt down beside the coroner.

A young woman, nearly thirties, brunette, in a t-shirt and torn jeans. He can't help but think how cold she must be in this icy Chicago weather. But she can't possibly feel anything.

She's dead.

"Female. No ID on or around the body but hopefully we can get a hit off CODIS. TOD was 11:47pm."

"How can you be so sure?" Lansing asked.

The M.E. picked up Jane Doe's lifeless wrist, holding up her watch that had clearly stopped functioning due to the shock it hadn't absorb the second she hit the ground.

"The killer must have caught her by surprise, pushed her onto the ground, grabbed a rock", she pointed towards the catalogued evidence, "and bashed her head with it before raping her. Contusions to her inner thighs and arms suggests that theory."

Antonio felt his stomach churn unpleasantly at that word. That word now hit close to home. _Erin_. She's family. He hated that someone could violate and do such a thing to another person. It was just inhumane.

Carlos.

This was definitely his doing.

He was sure of it.

"COD?"

"Asphyxiation. Her C3 and C4 were severely severed, seizing any oxygen supply to her lungs. And I know what you must be thinking and let me tell you like I told the FBI, this was not done by Carlos Solis. Different M.O. All his victims died as a result of blood loss. Carlos was meticulous and calculating and clean. This guy's sloppy. An amateur. He definitely left fluids and we also found another set of pubic hair on her body." she replied, scrawling down her points on her notepad. "But of course we'll know more once we get back to the morgue."

* * *

Dinner almost felt like it didn't even happen. It was so surreal. It felt like a dream, like he was in a cloud of black haze. He had thought he was dreaming.

But he wasn't.

Tonight, he had caught a glimpse of the old Erin, the felicity that he missed and admired. As she talked, as she laughed, he could hear the apt in her voice. The way she talked, he knew she was smiling. The way her eyes fell onto him, though he cannot see, he knew they were full of love. The way her skin grazed against his, he knew she felt the wave of electricity too.

 _She's back._

She seemed genuinely happy and he can't help but wonder why. But he wasn't one to complain. This was what he had wanted.

He was glad to finally hear that raspy voice in another manner other than the gloomy intonation that he had grown accustomed to.

She went on to describe the feeling of _her_ kicks. _Being tickled with a feather_ _from the inside_ , she described. Emphasising on how conflicted she was whenever she kicked.

She teased him about the beard he had been growing. It's not like he had a choice; he couldn't see. Will had been the one to help him shave and now that he wasn't living with his brother, he was left with no choice but to grow one. He couldn't ask Erin. It was too embarrassing.

But she liked it that way. _Ruggedly_ _handsome_ as she stated accurately. If she's quite fond of it then he must look pretty decent as the last time he had a beard, she couldn't stop nagging him to shave it off.

She stole a bite or two from his plate to which she thought he didn't notice but he did. She defended herself by saying that she made her do it, that the baby was starving. He knew soup wasn't enough since she was now eating for two. So he shared what was left from his plate with her. She's eating and that was all that really mattered.

Tonight made him happy beyond words but at the same time tonight terrified him, deeply. She's pretending like this morning never even happened.

He loves her with every fibre in him and he wants her to stay this way forever but the irk of that impending doom, that she's going to break soon was consuming.

The anxiety of _when_ was eating him alive.

She's scaring him.

"Hey..." he heard her voice, soft and low. Her warm palms on his cheeks, caressing the growing hair and ever so slightly pulling at the short bristles. "You ok?"

She sounded concerned.

Blinking, he cursed at himself for not allowing her to focus to being jolly like she had been a second ago. He just had to rain on her parade. He didn't mean to.

"Yea, yea, I'm good." he said, grinning at her. He hoped he was facing at her direction. At this point, it didn't really matter anymore. He was so used to it, no one really says anything if he isn't.

With his hand, he slid up the smooth skin on her bare arm, feeling the goosebumps that had erupted against his palm before lacing his fingers with hers, bringing them to his lips, "I love you." he said as he kissed her palm.

If it weren't for her and her love, he wouldn't be here.

If it weren't for her and her help, he would've been alone in his own apartment.

If it weren't for her and her dedication, he would've had to figure life out all by himself.

She sighed.

Her breathing hitched at the slightest as she shifted on her seat on the couch. He can feel the change in atmosphere. This was all his fault. He shouldn't have pushed it again.

He felt her other hand on his cheek. Her thumb, just above his brow bone as she ran her thumb over his it. "Just don't leave me, ok?"

Jay turned his head and kissed her wrist. "Baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. Always." he nodded rapidly. He needed her to know that. "I love you." he repeated, wanting nothing more than to hear those words back.

 _I love you too._

He can't exactly recall the last time he heard those words come out of her lips. He knows for sure that it isn't anytime recent. Not since they got back together.

But he wants to hear those words.

He knows she feels the same.

But he wants to hear those words.

He knows he doesn't need to hear it.

But he needs to hear those words.

He knows she loves him.

So why can she say those simple words?

She loves him, doesn't she?


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

No one was sure if having Adam Ruzek back at the station was the greatest of ideas. No one was sure if that would just make things even worse than it already is. That was everyone except Antonio, who had succeeded in convincing Voight to take Adam back. He had reassured and had given him his word that Adam wouldn't be of any trouble.

Antonio sure hopes he wouldn't since his career at Intelligence will be in jeopardy if Adam makes even the slightest mistake.

The team were happy to have him back. The goofy and jolly Adam they all have come to love and consider as family was finally here. The past couple of months have been quiet. No one talked or even smiled. It had gotten to the point where Atwater didn't even want to come into work anymore since the air held a thick cloud black haze.

"It's good to have you back, man." Atwater gave him a hug. Though it was clear, from his eyes, that he had spent the entire night partying, he hoped last night would be his last. The finale of his binge episode.

"It's good to be back." he said with a nod.

Just then the newest member of the specialised unit emerged from the break room. Adam can't help but stop and stare at her.

"Hey, tell me again, why you failed to mention that we got a newbie?" he whispered to the guys.

"Oh right. You'll like her. She's bomb." the guys reassured.

The last week or so with the all-male team, she have proved herself time after time with her intel and ideas that she was of value to group. She's the reason why they had closed their last open case so quickly. And now they've grown to like. Though it'll be quite some time for Olinsky, she's getting to his expectations.

The blonde hair blue eyed caught his stare and smile, walking over to him with a coffee mug in her hands.

"Hi. Kate Lansing. Nice to meet you."

He stared into her blue eyes for a tad bit too long. He didn't even notice the hand she had extended and only realised when Antonio cleared his throat.

He couldn't help but notice her hollow blue irises, golden locks that were tied into a ponytail. Her flawless skin. She was suddenly nice to look at.

"Adam Ruzek." he replied, shaking her hand.

He have never had a thing for blondes.

She nodded and went back to her desk.

 _Jay's desk._

"So Jay, huh?"

Voight had already found his replacement. It was probably what's best for the best but not for his best friend.

Speaking of best friend, he can't help but feel guilty for not visiting him ever since he had woken up at the hospital. Other than the handful of times he had seen him at Med after he had woken up to blindness, Adam had never visited him after that. Not ever since he hooked up with Erin, his best friend's girl.

 _Has Erin told him about them?_

 _Will she ever tell him? Should she?_

The past should be left in the past. There's no point in stirring more trouble. Like there hasn't been enough already?

"Yeah." Antonio sighed. "He's probably never coming back. Doc said it's not likely."

"What about Lindsay?"

At her last name, he can feel Antonio stiffen by his side; they were all still pretty much mad at his actions.

 _But who can he blame other than the joint?_

"She might be back after the baby's born. Who knows?"

"Right. The baby." he said with disgust. "I don't get it...I don't get why she's having _his_ baby."

Erin has and will always be a sensible woman. Or so he had thought. So when he heard she was carrying her rapist baby and, in fact, she was keeping the bastard, he was certain she had lost her mind. She's crazy for keeping _it_. _It_ shouldn't even growing inside of her. _It_ should've been killed. _It_ shouldn't have survived the preterm labour. Erin should've bled _her_ out. At least in that way, Kim's murder would have been reasoned.

A life for a life.

"It's a maternal thing that we're never going to understand and we don't need to. Erin wants to keep her and all we can do is respect her wishes."

Antonio remembered up until Laura saw, Eva, their first child for the first time, in the ultrasound scan, she didn't feel any attachment, whatsoever, while he couldn't be any happier.

Adam snickered and internally rolled his eyes, he was about to walk over to Lansing when Voight walked into the bullpen and made his presence by calling for him to come to his office.

He held the door open for him as while the room cower behind their computer screens.

"Take a seat." he stated.

Adam complied and sat on one of the two chair in front of his desk.

Voight took a deep breath. He didn't want to ever have to see his face again but everything Antonio had said, Voight felt bad for him. Besides, he shouldn't be firing him solely for his liaison with Erin.

"So, we need to have a little chat about your stupidity with Lindsay."

"I'm so sorry, sir. I know I was out of line. We, I shouldn't have...done what I did."

"You're damn right you shouldn't." he slammed his hand on his desk. Suddenly, his blood was boiling. "You took advantage of her. She was vulnerable, fragile and you knew she wasn't at the right place. You knew full well that she wasn't ready. You knew what she had gone through and you still took advantage of her."

 _He didn't take advantage of her, she initiated it but then again, he didn't stop it._

Images of their bodies flashed before his eyes and he can't help but cringe at the fact. It's every dad's worst nightmare.

"I should fire your ass." he looked to Adam to see him staring down at the ground. "Consider this as your last and only chance, Ruzek. If you happen to do anything remotely stupid, you're gone. Back to patrol, where you belong."

He nodded.

"And if you can't control yourself from doing something stupid then just remember how you got here."

Obviously, he'll never forget.  
He'll forever be grateful for everything Voight had done for him, the opportunities and experiences, he had allowed him to start at Intelligence and not patrol like everyone else. He didn't have to work his way up the ladder like the other cops.

Adam nodded his head again, still looking down at the ground.

"We're family and we look after each other but at the end of the day, I'm still your boss; you listen to me. And don't go batting your eyes at Lansing. I know what you were trying to do. This ain't high school, Ruzek. Is that clear?"

This time Voight ought to really make his no office romance rule heard. Erin and Jay were the prime example why personal life should never be mixed with work. It clouds ones judgement.

"Yes, Sarge. I understand."

He nodded. "Now, get out there. Antonio will have you caught up on all our open cases."

* * *

"My baby girl's dead." Walter Gibbons stated once everyone were situated in the family's living room.

Walter Gibbons, father of Diane Gibbons, the body found at Rogers Park. They had positively identified her through CODIS, having her fingerprints on the database for domestic violence.

Walter held his wife's hand who was clearly distraught at just hearing the words 'Your daughter's dead.'

This was the hardest part of being a cop. It's not the late hours, not the gunfire or even the high possibility of every day may be the last, it's the families, the loved ones they had to report the news too. And Adam had always found homicides to be the hardest.

This feeling was all too familiar to Adam.

"She is...was a happy child." he closed his eyes for a moment in order to collect his thoughts, "Up until a few months ago, Diane was so happy. She had just graduated from college with a degree in teaching. She was so eager to begin teaching. She had interviews coming next month but..."

The saddest part was having to witness them change tenses.

Kathleen, the mother, sniffled, gripping her husband's hand with all her might. "My baby was such a good girl. She never used to drink, she never abuse drugs, she had a 4.0 average. I just - I don't understand why would anyone kill her?" she asked the detectives, her voice tingled with sorrow.

Antonio briefly glanced at Adam, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves. Although he have never lost a child, he could certainly understand how Diane's parents really were. He had almost lost Diego.

"I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am." Antonio began, "But you said that Diane seemed happy up until a few months ago, right? What happened to change that?"

Walter spoke up for his wife, his face turning crimson in fury. "It was that no-good, two-timing, drug addict boyfriend." he spat out. "She was a good girl until she met him. He destroyed her. He destroyed my daughter's life."

That explains her alcohol level of .07 and heroin in her system. What the parents had earlier described didn't make any sense to them.

It was Adam who tossed Antonio a knowing look. "Sir, have you ever met this boyfriend?"

He should his head, "No. We never met him in person. But we could hear him over the phone whenever we called to talk to Diane. Last Christmas, she came home with a bruise on her neck, like he strangled her. I was so mad. I wanted to kill him. I wanted but she begged me not to. And now my girl's dead because of him."

Kathleen wiped several tears of her tears away, looking at between both Adam and Antonio. "Last month, she called asking for us to bail her and that boyfriend out of jail. They were fighting and the neighbours called the police and took the both of them. We didn't want to bail him out. But she said she would never talk to us ever again. And I cannot have that. She's my only child...we never should've bailed him out." she sobbed into her husband's arms, "We killed her, Walt."

Now all they have to do was find that boyfriend.

* * *

"Halstead, I'll be there in five. Don't worry about opening the door, I got a key." Voight's voice message said while he carefully feel his way around to the sofa at Erin's apartment with his cane.

They had just gotten back from today's class and physical therapy, a normal day of Erin driving him to the centre and picking him up. What she does in between the hours of the former and latter; he doesn't know for certain.

Maybe she had cleaned the apartment five times. He wouldn't know.

But he knows to not bother her too much since she's pretty moody, in other words, hormonal. A words he knows not to say in front of her.

Hearing shower run, he sighed as he can't help but think of the money she's literally pouring down the drain. He's certain that this shower wouldn't be her last for the day. He knows she'll be taking one before going to bed. A habitual that he wasn't sure if he should be concerned.

But he couldn't ask her blatantly, even if he wanted to. Every angle of that question didn't sit right with him.

 _Why are you always in the bathroom?_

 _What are you doing in there?_

 _How many showers do you have to take?_

If he did open his mouth, the night wouldn't end well. They'll both just end up in tears and further apart, even more than the now. He might even trigger another labour and this time, she might not be as lucky.

 _Two more step until he can feel for the armrest._

Just in case an emergency arises, he now had the steps and layout around the apartment memorised. He didn't want a repeat of last times' tragedy. With Erin's help, he now knew where everything was. From the remote, landline to the couch and kitchen. He didn't want to ask for her help anymore. He didn't want to be a burden on his pregnant girlfriend.

As his hand touched the cool leather skin, he slowly leaned in and plopped onto the couch, folding his cane and setting them next to him on the couch.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, he heard clinging of keys and the doorknob jiggling and loud footsteps before the door closed.

He turned around to the direction of the sounds, "Voight?"

Hank Voight smiled, a thin one, a regretful one.

Looking at the face of a confused kid, eyebrows knitted, wondering pupils, he felt ever so pitiful for his once young detective. He have had his whole career ahead of him and now it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Just like that, overnight, from a sharp-shooter to a blind man.

What he sees is no longer what he sees.

"Hey, Halstead." he said, giving him a tight squeeze on the shoulder as he sat down on the couch next to him. "How you doing?"

"I'm good, Sarge. You?"

He nodded.  
"Good." he said, scratching his head at the sudden rise in heat in the living room. The slight awkwardness of being in a room with his daughter's boyfriend wasn't any he was used to even though it was just Jay Halstead. He was new at this since with Justin, it was different.

Camille would've loved him. She would've have approved of Jay the second she laid eyes on the redhead.

 _Who wouldn't?_

He's a good man. He's polite, considerate, charming and he treats Erin right. That's all a father ever wants for his daughter. Not to mention, he's brave. He had risked his life for his country and for his girlfriend too, though it was foolish of him.

He cleared his throat, the sound of the shower running was the only evident noise.

"Classes, PT, doing good?"

"Yea. Getting better, I guess." he shrugged.

Never in a million years did he thought he would be learning to walk with a cane or even read Braille.

"So I thought you guys might want some food. It's Italian. I got Erin some soup."

He remembered how Camille couldn't keep anything but soup down when she was pregnant with Justin and thought maybe Erin was the same.

"Thanks."

"No problem. You sit. I'll grab us some beers." Voight said, patting Jay on the knee before getting up to the refrigerator where a six pack of Flywheel sat.

"So, Erin's in the bathroom?" Voight asked from the kitchen.

 _The door of the refrigerator close shut._

"She's taking a shower." he said shortly.

 _Two pops and hissing._

 _Heavy footsteps._

He's coming back.

"Here." Voight held out the beer bottle for Jay.

Calculating the depth and distance, Jay carefully reached out but was slightly off to the left, and was catching air instead. His cheeks turned crimson red at his failed attempt.

 _Jay_

His obstinate refusal to obey his orders had landed him in this position today. If only he had listened and not play Superman, he surely wouldn't be impaired. Though he was very much annoyed since he had lost a valuable detective, he was very much grateful for Jay's love and determination for his daughter. If it wasn't for him, God knows if she would've made it out of that haunted house alive.

Voight placed the cool bottle in his grasp instead and Jay nodded in return. Glad that they didn't have to acknowledge his failed endeavour.

"So," Voight sighed as he sat on the other end of the couch, "How many showers have she taken so far?"

He knows what Voight was talking about. Of course he noticed the endless showers but he never brought it up, thinking it might embarrass or anger her. He's so scared of ticking her off.

 _Third shower so far, that he know of. Who knows how many she've taken when he wasn't around?_

"What?" he replied, inscrutably.

"Ever since she came back..." he trailed off, they both knew what he had meant. It's been five months since Carlos, since the kidnapping and since the rape. To their dismay, though initially she was making progress with Dr. Thorne, now she's more or less the same. She's having nightmares again, still showering like crazy; she's back to square one.

The _victim_.

"I read on a...forum, victims would take showers because they feel dirty and no matter how many showers they take, they never feel clean. That's what she's feeling..."

Voight had spent the entire day researching about the aftermath and effects of rape and how family ought to help them. Every website, every forum, every blog, he had stumbled upon highlighted on the fact that they just want to 'block it out'. That's when he realised Erin couldn't just 'block it out'; she's having his baby. She's a constant reminder.

"All they want to do is...forget."

What she needs is a distraction, to keep her busy from her rampant thoughts, and impulses.

Being cooped up in the confines of four walls wasn't doing her much justice, especially to her psyche.

Jay exhaled shakily. His heart ached at the thought. It made sense to him now. Erin have been feeling so dirty and unclean, a common sentiment for rape victims, that she felt the impulse to scrub the imaginary filth away.

That was what she was doing in the bathroom. Now that he knows, he still doesn't know what he would do the next time she goes into the bathroom.

 _Should he stop her?_

"I, I don't know what to do, Voight." he admitted, running his hands through his face.

Jay knew enough about what she had gone through in Colombia. He knows she was raped; that was what Will had told him. But other than the stated, she and he hadn't said a word about it. It was like an elephant in the room that was only getting bigger and bigger by the day.

"I mean, I've tried giving her space, to open up at her own pace but..." he sighed. He never thought it would be this difficult.

After Nadia had passed, Erin had promised him that she wouldn't go down that hole again, that she will lean on him for support and comfort but it's clear that that promise had long been broken.

Shaking his head, Jay closed his eyes. "I brought it up...once...and she...she completely shut down...It was really scary. She was somewhere else...I, I didn't know what to do so...I swore to never bring it up again. I couldn't see but I could hear her...she was crying, shaking and she couldn't breath...She was having a panic attack...I just held her...until she fall asleep...I don't know how she does it..."

The act.

Her firm determination of putting up a façade of pellucidity, astonished him. She has so much strength within her that it terrifies him. If only she had given in that much effort into not pretending and not insisting that everything was 'fine', she probably would've started to feel a sense of normalcy again.

After that one time, he learnt his lesson to never bring it up. Listening to her beg for Carlos to stop as she cried hysterically, not being able to do anything but hold her until her trembling seized, slowly doused his soul. A part of him died that night.

Above all oddness, the next morning, she pretended like nothing had ever happened. She won't be getting better by the day and he doesn't know if she ever will if she keeps on living this way.

Voight rubbed his forehead. He knows that behaviour all too familiar. She was the same when he took her in. Erin does what she knows best when life gets hard. She hides and crawls into a corner within. Most of the time, it's difficult to drag her out of there. But it's possible.

"That's how she deals."

She's suffering in silence and there's nothing anyone can do. She has to be the one who's willing to make a change. And the baby isn't making things any better for her.

Voight's gaze lifted from the scruffs on his shoes and up at Jay who was pinching the bridge of his nose and clenching his jaws.

"I'm gonna tell you something, Halstead." he sat the beer on the coffee table and leaned back onto the couch. "I trust you won't speak a word of it. If Erin knows...she'll never forgive me."

He nodded. Swearing to keep his word at the man who was his boss and the father of his girlfriend. He would never want to be the reason for their estrangement.

"Ok, so," he began, "When I first met Erin, I was undercover. She was out on the streets with Teddy. Umm, Charlie...remember Charlie?"

Jay nodded.

Erin's ' _friend_ '.

The bastard who used both Erin and Teddy to his advantage.

"He was pimping them out on the streets in exchange for food and shelter." he sighed.

Hearing that hurt Jay. He didn't know that they had it that rough. They had their entire childhood taken away from them. While he was busy playing video games and complaining about homework and his lack of love life, they were struggling to hold onto life, to make ends meet.

"It was the day I arrested her for solicitation." Voight said, his eyes focused intently on Jay, "It was the day I promised to give her a chance at life."

 _8th January, 2001_

 _First Grade Detective Hank Voight had been driving around Dearborn Street, a well known streetwalker pavilion, posing as a John. Adults, teens of all ranges, walk the streets in outfits that could barely even keep their extremities warm in the icy winters of Chicago._

 _Driving past parked cars where business was taking place, he cringed in disgust. The kid inside was barely legal. Of all the stings he had ever gotten himself into, this was by far the hardest._

 _Out of the corner of his eyes, a pair of bickering teenagers had caught his attention. They looked very much alike and he shrugged to conclude that they maybe twins. With her inches high chunky stiletto, she towered him, poking harshly with her bony finger at his equally frail chest that hang a loose fishnet-like shirt._

 _As he slowed down to the curb, it was then that he realised they were babies, barely even fifteen years of age. He was sure of it. His son had just turned fifteen._

 _"Hey." Voight rolled down his window, "Wanna ride?" he internally punched himself, feeling utterly disgusted at the words that had fell out of his mouth._

 _The young girl glared at him with her forest green eyes, her arms folded across her chest. Scanning him before turning towards the boy standing beside her._

 _She adjusted her ratty leather jacket and marched towards him. Her twig like legs shook with every step. "If you're looking for a date, you're looking in the wrong place, mister." she spat._  
 _"I think I know what I'm looking for, young lady." he smirked. Again, having to internally punch himself. He knew he had to do this. It was for the greater good, to curb the uprising in child prostitution in Chicago._

 _She paused, studying him fiercely once more then nodded. He unhinged the safety locks and she willingly hopped to the backseat while the boy got into the passenger seat._

 _"I bet this will be a breeze, Teddy. This geezer won't last long." she laughed._

 _Voight looked at her from the mirror. Her sunken cheeks, raccoon painted eyelids, she was dressed in a red pleather tube that had a gaudy yellow plastic zipper on the front. A clothing that barely hid her behind. A clothing that no child should be wearing. A clothing that shouldn't even be considered clothes._

 _He felt sorry for her. She had to grow up way too fast. The pain and suffer they had carried on their shoulders were evident in their eyes. Burden filled. The sight, though a difficult one, lies a beautiful young girl with so much potential but she was so lost and broken._

 _Where were their parents?_

 _"Hey. Hey. Eyes over here, mister. My sister's off limits." the boy warned, snapping his fingers in front of his face to snap him out of this thoughts._  
 _"I'm at your service."_

 _"Ok, creep." she rolled her eyes, "He'll go down on you for thirty. Sixty for the backdoor. Eighty for the whole package. Pick your pick. And we need half cash upfront before you guys...you know..."_

 _Voight watched as the young girl held her hand out for the money. With her tough exterior, she would've made one hell of a cop._

 _The boy, Teddy, glanced at him and arched his brows, "You heard the lady."_

 _Voight nodded and reached across for the glove compartment in search for his wallet while Teddy tried to fill him up. Voight pulled his hand away from him._

 _Just that quickly, chaos invoked in the black sedan. "He's a cop! Run, Erin!"_

 _Wide eyed, Voight had no clue how he had figured him out. But was certain to not let months of late nights go in vain._

 _Tightly grabbing onto the frail boy's shoulders, Voight kept him in place as he unsuccessfully tried to squirmed away. Keeping him from running off._

 _The young girl had already gotten the door halfway open when she saw her brother fighting his way out of the cop's grasp._  
 _"Get your filthy hands off my brother you perve!" she screamed, sinking her teeth into the flesh of his right forearm. For a scrawny kid, she sure has quite the strength._

 _Voight grunted and let go. Giving Teddy the time to yank the handle and dash out the car. "Erin! Let's go!" he shouted._

 _Erin spun around and practically dive out of the vehicle with Teddy well over a foot ahead of her. The uneven pavement caught her off guard and she went sprawling. Landing face first onto the hard concrete curb._

 _"Teddy!"_

 _He turned around, stopping for a split a second, running his hands over his hair. Wanting nothing more than to help his distressed sister but the cops were coming any second now._

 _Red and blue lights, police sirens began to swarm the street, walkers and their Johns fleeing the scene. And Hank Voight watched as Teddy shook his head, his face filled with regret as he turned back around. Not only evading from the cops but leaving his sister all alone as well._

 _"Teddy! Don't leave me! Please!"_

 _Voight grabbed her by the shoulders, hauling her to her feet. As he was about to ask if she was alright, she kneed him in between, trying to run off. But that kick wasn't enough to loosen his grip on her._

 _"Let me go! Teddy! Don't leave me!"_

 _She shoved him away, attempting to run but Voight was quicker and he wrapped his arms tightly around her, trapping her body against his chest. She fought him, desperately. Her twig like arms and legs flailing in the air, squirming in his hold._

 _"Teddy!"_

 _He reached out for his handcuffs with one hand, still pinning her arms firmly with the other against the car. "Please, Officer, let me go. Please. I won't do it again. Please. I need to find my brother." she pleaded._

 _Words and tears won't get her out of this situation. He knows she will be back, working the streets if he doesn't bring her in. They always do. All he wanted was to help get her life back on track._

 _It was in that moment that he saw the real person for who she really is. No longer was she the tough, smart mouth teen that used words to mask her insecurities._

 _She was weak._

 _He felt awful for having to handcuff her but it was for her own good. She was going to start a new life._

 _"Erin, you're under arrest for solicitation."_

 _._

"...And that was when Teddy disappeared." he shook his head, feeling sorry he couldn't have saved that frail boy. "I managed to convince the DA to the drop the charges. She was just fourteen. I tried to offer her help but she wouldn't listen and went back to Charlie. She was back on the streets the next day. That's when..." Voight slowly said, rubbing the scar on his forearm that was left by Erin's teeth.

Jay swallowed hard, sinking in all the harsh and brutal information the story held. At just fourteen, Erin had gone through obstacles one may never face in their entire life.

 _Silence._

The shower had finally stopped.

"What?"

Voight shook his head, "It's not my story to tell." He've spoken way too much already anyway.

Jay didn't say anything. She was just a child. He imagined the young fragile girl that Erin once was. So frail. So lost. So broken. He can clearly see it in his head. And was sure it's the same frightened girl Voight sees now.

"What I'm saying is," he sighed, "She's not as tough as she plays out to be. She's afraid of getting hurt, of being alone, she plays safe by pretending. Kid's been abandoned her entire life."

Erin have been hurt so many times by so many people that she feels the need to put up front, to ignore reality. She felt the need to beat emotions to the punch. So when she does get hurt, the pain wouldn't be as bad.

 _Who could blame her?_

She's deathly afraid that everyone will abandon her if she does exhibit any indication of weakness. Her entire life was unstructured and filled with inconsistencies. Those she loved dearly left. Her entire family had left her all alone.

Even though life is filled with uncertainties, life proved him that numerous time, Jay knew he will never leave her. She's the love of his life. Everything that he've ever dreamed of. He can't leave her. He just can't. It's immoral.

He will be right by her side.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

 ** _Quick question before we start! Should Jay's sight be restored? Please let me know in the comments!_**

* * *

 _4:30am_

She was jolted awake in the early hours of the morning, drenched in her own cold sweat. Laying there in the dark, catching her breath as she continued to stare at the ceiling above, she can't help but think of the difficulty Jay has to endure on a daily basis.

This, _dismal_ , was what he sees every single second of his life. It was her doing. It was her fault. If only she hadn't pressured him into taking her out that night, then they wouldn't have gone out and be where they are today.

Life must be so sad for him. Life must be so dull, so colourless. Life, living, and waking up every morning must be a challenge. But as she thought about it, as she was left to her thoughts, life isn't much different in comparison. She too is living in a blanket of darkness.

Life, living, and waking up every morning was a challenge for her too. Waking up every morning, more like waking up from a nightmare, was a reminder that she had surpassed another day on this miserable planet. But it isn't all bad, for the most part, she wakes up and is reminded that she's still here for a reason, for a girl that's growing inside. If she wasn't pregnant, she would've taken her life a long time ago, or, most like, end up relapsing.

She almost did anyway.

Living had gotten to the point where everything she did felt like a chore, a duty, a have to. From getting out of bed and eating to even breathing. Sometimes she would be so overwhelmed with life that she literally couldn't breathe. No oxygen was filling into her lungs or sometimes, too much oxygen. Leaving her suffocated.

Immediately, she would find herself crawling into a foetal position, hyperventilating and crying hysterically for no apparent reason or for one obvious reason. Though these episodes usually happens when she's home alone, alone in her head and alone with dangerous thoughts. Away from anyone who could see there's an issue with, that this mask she had been wearing was a fake.

Life; she doesn't have much fight left within her or the will to keep living but she has to. All her efforts of keeping her sanity was for _her_. She loves _her_ so so so much and when she almost lost _her_ , not so long ago, she was so beyond terrified. If _she_ had died, Erin knows she would've lost it.

 _Or would it be a relief?_

She, without a doubt, would be back on the streets scoring dope and downing liquor to oblivion. She would've gone back to her old ways.

But she doesn't know if she can hold it together once _she's_ here.

Oh how she wished she could have a drink or two or more at this very moment. She wants nothing more than to feel hard liquor sliding down the back of her throat, burning the muscles of her oesophagus and stomach, to inhale the pungent and sweet aroma of fermentation and distillation.

Oh how she wished to savour the sweet oak aftertaste that bourbon holds. Or the junipers from gin. Or the nothingness from vodka that holds a tang of spies.

 _Vodka. Her favourite. Her mother's choice of poison as well._

But she can't; she's pregnant.

What an eye roller.

She wondered whether the terrible decision she had made that night and all the other nights prior to Jay surprising her with his presence - to drink her body weight when she had initially found out she was pregnant - would harm _her_. She had wanted to drink herself to a miscarriage.

That was one of the reasons why she didn't want to see an OB, she was scared to hear that because of the drinking in the early stages of pregnancy, she had selfishly caused X, Y, Z upon her daughter.

After coming clean with her doctor, Dr. Drake Ramoray had reassured her that her questionable choices had no effects on the foetus. _So_ _far_. She had made numerous questionable choices that week. One that would back fire at her in the near future. One that would kill her. One that would literally end what little hope she had for the future.

Jay should never know of what she had done. He can't handle the truth.

 _Or was it she who couldn't?_

Erin rolled over and looked at her phone that was left on the coffee table by the couch she was sleeping on, it was almost five in the morning.

She sighed. There was no point in going back to sleep, she knows that's impossible. Besides, the baby was kicking the life out of her. No longer were they tiny, soft spasms, _she_ was now, at six months, doing karate in her belly. _She's_ one active foetus. Erin has to admit, though the kicks make her happy seventy percent of the time, the rest, it get too overpowering with horrific memories.

From dusk to dawn, _she_ kicks like there's no tomorrow. _She_ will be one hell of a fighter. _She_ might even be a boxer, an elite gymnast, a dancer, or _she_ might just fall into the same footsteps as her mother.

 _She_ might become a cop.

"Alright. Alright." she conceded with her child, rubbing her belly as she felt another kick ripple through her body. Kicking her to get off the couch, demanded to be fed.

 _She_ was determined to make her presence known and wanted to give her mother no time to rest until _she_ got what she wanted.

"You win."

Tossing the warm covers that she had snuggled into, she shredded as her bare feet hit the cold tiled floor and made her way to the refrigerator.

After making sure that Jay had fallen asleep, which wasn't too long after because he's almost always exhausted after a long day of physical therapy and visual learning, she would slowly crawl out of his embrace and make her way onto the uncomfortable sofa. She doesn't want him to witness her nightmares, she doesn't want him to question her all the time. Though she knows he means well, she doesn't want to have to constantly explain herself.

Not every day.

"Baby, you do know, I can't keep eating like this for the next three months right?" she said to the baby as she took a bite of her sandwich that she had just made.

Even though she hadn't gain any weight during the course of this pregnancy, she still feels humongous. Dr. Ramoray had adviced her to gain a few pounds since at this point, she a little under.

She's trying her hardest to munch on even when she's not hungry. Food just doesn't make her feel good lately. She's bloated all the damn time. Her breast had doubled in size to a C. Her clothes doesn't fit her anymore. Leaving her no choice but to wear oversized ones since she's sure as hell not going to spend any money on maternity clothes.

She's like a humpback whale. She feels ugly and unattractive. It's a good thing that Jay can't see her. He too will be repulsed.

 _5:45am_

Staring out the balcony, watching as the sun rise, she reminisced to a time when they would watch the slow glistening of the bright sun. They would snuggle close into each other as if their closeness wasn't enough.

Those were happy times. Times when there wasn't anything to worry about. A time when they would talk about anything. A time when she didn't cheated.

After her early breakfast, she sat in the shower as scalding hot liquid stung her skin in a failed attempt to scrub herself to purity.

This has become a habitual since the rape. Out of nowhere, she would be overcome with an urge to scrub the filth away. It took nothing or sometimes even the slightest of things to trigger the need to wash herself.

But still no matter how many shower she took, she never felt clean. Not even after months of endless showers. All she wanted was to feel clean again because right now, she's a whore.

She knows she is.

* * *

 _12:14pm_

Erin walked down Canal Street to her car that was parked a few blocks away. Since it was lunch hour, most parking spots nearby have already been taken, leaving her no choice but to park two blocks away. It wasn't a hassle until she realised she had to carry three bulky and heavy shopping bags all by herself.

 _The contents of her purchases?_

Cleaning supplies.

Bed rest as advised wasn't an option for her, she needs to be active. But she did lower her limit since the accident. Since most of her days were spent scrubbing her apartment spotless, all of the products have 'miraculously' disappeared.

She've tried. She've definitely tried to stop her impulsive cleaning but every time, she did her apartment was deemed unliveable. It was like she could see every trace and speck of dust. Hence, relapsing.

Thunder rumbled in a distance and she looked up to the dark clouds that were rolling in. It was going to rain so she had hurry if she doesn't want to get wet.

She've always hated the rain. Rain and her definitely do not get along.

Though it was the middle of April, it was still a little cold, her exterior was like ice but she felt extremely hot on the inside. It felt as if she was suffocating in her own body. The hormones were working their magic, destroying her insides, making her breathless.

She doesn't understand how's it even possible for some women to enjoy pregnancy, it doesn't seem to make any sense to her. Being pregnant is miserable. She can't wait for this pregnancy to end but childbirth terrified her. It wasn't the idea or the pain of pushing a human being out of her that she's afraid about, it was meeting _her_. She doesn't know what to expect.

 _Will she look like her father?_

Sighing, her soul almost jumped right out of her body at the sound behind her. The most annoying honk in the entire universe blared, leaving her ears ringing at they loud and obnoxious sound.

 _Sounds familiar._

Heads turned as the honking continued behind her. She can hear and sense a big vehicle rolling on the road beside her but she didn't care to look. She had to get to her car before the sky starts pouring.

It was then that she noticed people were staring at her.

 _Were they staring because she's pregnant?_

 _Was there something on her face?_

They must have seen what she sees in the mirror every day.

 _Was it evident that she's hiding a secret from her blind boyfriend?_

That she cheated on him with his best friend. That she's carrying the weight of a billion people on her shoulders.

 _Beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeppppp_

Grunting, normally she wouldn't mind the honking but with this pregnancy hormone, every little thing was getting under her skin.

She reluctantly turned around and was about to march over to the driver when the familiar red truck stopped on it's tracks, causing her to stare at the Fire Rescue Truck that read Squad 3.

At first she wasn't too sure how to react. He hasn't seen her like this, with an actually protruding belly. She have gone out and beyond to avoid her friends at Firehouse 51 and had moderately succeeded with the mission up until now.

They had visited her at Med when she was initially rescued, she've seen them at Kim's service and when she almost lost her body but that was that. She avoided them, him, every chance she's got.

He hopped out of the big red truck, slammed the door shut before hurrying over to her.

"Erin!"

She didn't know what to do. She couldn't just run away right now even if she wanted nothing more than to, so instead she smiled.

There was no way out of this encounter.

"Kelly, hey!" she said, putting her grocery bags onto the ground. She rubbed her hands together as she reminded herself to relax. This was just Kelly Severide.

"It's really good to see you, Erin." he exclaimed, pulling her into his big arms for a hug. She stood there, her arms rigid on both sides. It took her a few seconds to get comfortable before she willing wrapped her arms around his waist.

"It's good to see you too." she sighed, closing her eyes and taking in the scent of his aftershave and cigar.

 _Familiarity._

She loves familiarity and consistency and that was who Kelly is. He's the kind of man who'll never change his habit. Good or bad, he'll stay the same till the end of time. He's the same man she had loved a long time ago. She had loved him but never as much as she loves Jay.

They parted when someone, most like Capp, cleared their throat.

"Hi, Erin." they said in unison.

Looking hesitantly at the trio, she doesn't know what to do, where to place her hands or even what to say. She can sense their weariness around her as they exchanged worried glances between each other and their lieutenant.

She felt so out of place and awkward.

Smiling a thin smile, she gave a half hearted little wave to the boys like she doesn't know what to do.

She can tell that they think she's made out of glass as if one touch will shatter her to a billion pieces. She knows that they mean no harm. They just don't know how to act around a rape victim.

Awkward silence filled the open air and she tightened her sweater around her body, covering her bump.

"Umm, we were on our way to get some ingredients for-what are you making again, Cruz?" Kelly said, turning towards Joe Cruz to explain whatever he was attempting to cook.

"Sancocho. It's the national dish for us, Dominicans. It's delicious. One of my favourites actually. My abuela makes it the best..."

She nodded rapidly and blankly stared at him. He was rambling on and on about the how his grandmother makes the best dishes, to which she was grateful for since she's having trouble concentrating.

"Ok and I'm boring you with my dumb story." he said, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

Tony and Capp chuckled and she was snapped back to reality. "Huh?"

"Why don't you three get to the store and I'll catch up with Erin?"

She absolutely don't think that's a bright idea but before she could even protest, the boys were already in the truck.

"Leave your radios on!"

"So." he said softly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"So." she repeated as she looked anywhere but at Kelly Severide. She couldn't bring herself to look into his eyes just yet.

"Have you eaten? We could get something to eat. There's a deli just around the corner. It's really good."

She absentmindedly placed her hands on her bump, feeling it grumble, and she knew he noticed it. She, the baby, was hungry again. She haven't eaten since this morning. "Yeah, sure. That sounds good."

As she was about to get her bags, he halted her very action as he placed his hand on top of hers. She swore that mere touch sent shivers down her spine.

"No, no, no, no. Let me get that."

Erin lifted her gaze to Kelly's and nodded. She've forgotten how dark his blues were. "Thanks."

 _12:31pm_

Before she knew it, she's sitting on a stool, listening to the soft patters of the pouring rain and was having lunch with her ex-boyfriend. It felt like old times, like time hadn't past a wink and they managed to fall into a pattern of conversation.

She laughed. He laughed. She smiled. He smiled.

She felt slightly better now.

She had forgotten everything she had done.

"So how are you?"

Erin took another very much needed bite of her grilled chicken sandwich, this was probably the best sandwich she've ever had the pleasure of eating.

 _Was it her or the baby talking?_

"You've asked me that like three times already, Kelly." she covered her mouth as she chuckled.

"Yeah?"

With her mouthful, "Mmhm." she nodded.

They needed a change of subject. She hates being the centre of attention.

"What about you? You and Stella still going strong? She's a peach."

She likes Stella. Through the short amount of time that she've gotten to know her, she've always been so sweet and funny.

He shifted in his seat as he cleared his throat. "Umm, Stella and I haven't been seeing each other in quite some time already, Erin."

"Oh." she looked embarrassed. "Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I, I just...I've been so-"

She've just been so preoccupied with life.

"Hey," he chuckled, "It's ok. It doesn't matter."

Wiping her hands on her napkin, she ran her hands through her hair. "I'm so embarrassed...So tell me about this new lucky girl."

"There isn't."

She's definitely not convinced. "Oh c'mon. Kelly Severide, single? Nah!"

They laughed.

"It's true...but there was this one girl. Her name's Anna. But she kinda took off so..."

Erin nodded, he looks rather pained at the thought of Anna. She must be really special to him. "I'm sorry." she said, unconsciously rubbing his forearm.

He shrugged.

"Well, pregnancy agrees with you. You know that?"

She scuffled, lightly smacking him on the arm, "Oh shut it. I look like trash. I mean, c'mon, I just threw on a sweater."

"It doesn't matter. You look beautiful in anything."

She smiled and tucked a few strands behind her ear. It somewhat feels good to be told that by Severide.

"You excited to meet the little one?"

Her brain looped in thousand different and mixed thoughts. She haven't been asked that recently. But then again, other than Jay and Voight, she literally hasn't talked to anyone else.

"Erh, no. Well, kinda. I'm just, I guess I'm scared is all." she nodded at him.

"You'll be a great mother. You have nothing to worry about."

She shrugged.

"That's what everyone keeps on saying but I don't know really. You know I didn't have the greatest parents to appraise to."

He looked at her and nodded in agreement. They both hadn't. Maybe that was why they had hit it off so quickly. They were both damaged goods from the start.

"I'd hate to see _her_ and see..." she unknowingly placed her hand on belly and he looked at her, shrugging at the thought of her father. "I love _her_ , more than anything in this world, you know, but..." she looked into Kelly's dark blues, "but she's half someone I hate and I don't know if I can live with that for the rest of my life."

She knows she shouldn't be seeing _her_ as her rapist baby, it wouldn't be fair to _her_.

"Once she's in your arms, you'll never wanna let her go. I'm not one to say but I've heard it's the most amazing feeling. Whatever perceptions you had about her will be a fragment of your imagination. You'll love her like nothing in this world, Erin. She's lucky to have you as her mother." Kelly squeezed her hand and kept his eyes on her, "Jay's lucky to have you too."

She snickered and took a long sip of her juice.

"Why the long face?"

Erin shook her head, "He's...amazing. He doesn't deserve someone like me. Someone with baggage as huge as mine...He deserves a girl who's happy, who can make him happy and smile. Not someone who brings him down...I'm not worthy of his love." she said the last part so quietly, she wondered if he had actually heard her.

"You can't make that decision for him, Erin. How is going to know how you feel if you don't talk to him? And I assume you didn't talk to him about any of this."

She shook her head.

He knows her all too well.

She was shocked and wondered why she felt comfortable in parading her dirty laundry with an ex.

"Gosh, Erin! You are worthy of his love. You're an amazing woman. You're smart, devoted, kind, caring, beautiful and the list goes on, forever..."

She still doesn't think so.

She cheated.

"Yeah but I did...I did something horrible to him, Kelly. I know I shouldn't have but I did. And I can't stop thinking about that stupid mistake." her voiced quivered as she felt the impending tears.

 _Damn hormones._

He looked at her with knitted brows and slowly nodded. He must have figured out what she had done.

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "He'll forgive you."

Just then the sound of his radio crackled alive with Cruz's voice on the other end.

 _"Lieutenant, we got a MVA, 31st and Halsted Street."_

Quickly, he got up from the stool and straightened himself up. "Ugh...Duty calls."

They both stood and stared into each other for a second too long. Memories after memories flooded.

The Gala, dinners, movies, lazy mornings...

But nothing they had could ever compare with Jay.

 _Why does it feel like this will be their last encounter?_

He opened his arms and she willingly sighed into his embrace.  
"You should stop by at Molly's again some time. We all miss you. Oh and Hermann has some baby stuff too."

"Oh. That would be nice."

She looked out the window, she could hear the sirens in a distance get closer and closer.

And that was when she realised she missed being at work. Maybe she should discuss that with Voight.

"Take care of yourself, Lindsay. And the little one." he kissed her cheek before rushing out.

She watched through the window as he jumped onto the truck and as he gave her one last wink before disappearing into the traffic.

* * *

 _6:23pm_

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

The taping from the cane echoed in Erin's ears as she waited for Jay to finish with today's class.

She sat on the couch at the waiting area, impatiently bouncing her leg, turning to stare at the door every now and then. Her fidgeting was driving the woman next to her crazy as she continued to give her a nasty stare. It would drive her mental too but she was starting to get worried; Jay ought to finish at six.

Having just ended her call with Voight, after telling him that she very much needed something to do to keep herself from going insane, she was doing just that by 'living' the way she was, and after a few sentences of persuasion on her side, he agreed for her to be on filing duty at the file room in Intelligence. It's definitely nothing like the field but that's better than being locked in her own dangerous thoughts. At least in this way, she could immerse herself in sorting files. And of course, in return, she has to see Dr. Charles as advised by none other than her 'father', to which she reluctantly agreed to since she realised that it's been six months too long to still be scared.

She needs to be Detective Erin Lindsay again.

 _Was she fully recovered?_

No. Definitely not but she has to take the initiative to try.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

Her face etched into a smile as she finally saw her handsome redhead. He looked tired and she knew all he wanted was to go home and rest. But that smile quickly turned into a frown, her chest tightened in pain at the thought of him leaving her when he finds out.

She should've known beforehand.

"Jay." she said, walking over to him.

He smiled at the sound of her voice. She saw him say something to the instructor next to him before he nodded at Erin and left.

"Hey."

She smiled, looking into his ocean blue eyes as she continued to caress his subtle. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug. She wished he could see how genuinely happy she is right now, to be with him.

"Hi. I missed you." she giggled against his lips before leaning in for a kiss.

She can feel his surprise when she kissed him but he kissed her back. Their relationship have been so dysfunctional lately.

She understands his frustration, she've been giving him hard time with all her mixed signals. One minute she wants to be held, the next she's screaming to never touched her again. She just can't help it.

She's the devil.

He's an angel.

He've been so patient with her and that only makes her love for him even more strong.

She pulled away before the kiss could deepen and just snuggled into his side, wrapping one arm around his back. He seemed to breath a sigh of relief and held her tighter.

She was fully aware of the eyes that were gawking at them but she couldn't care less about their thoughts.

She knows she's a burden. She knows he's confused when and when not to touch her.

Suddenly tears prickled in her eyes and she choked back a sob.

 _Damn hormones._

He kissed the top of her her head, "Let's go." he said.

She nodded.

He's amazing.

He's too good for her.

She don't deserve him.

* * *

 _6:42pm_

They drove in silence.

The radio wasn't turned on, no music was playing, they weren't hearing anything but each other's rapid heartbeat.

The air in the very confinement became too heavy, too cold and chilly that her thoughts have immediately became too loud for her to just concentrate on the road.

She suddenly felt the urge to break the silence.

"Do you wannna go out for dinner? Or you want me to just cook us something." she asked hesitantly.

 _Why was she so nervous?_

As always he was looking straight ahead with his hands on his lap. She wondered what he was thinking about. "Let's just go out."

Frowning, she's more than hurt, more than she care to admit.

 _Does her food really tasted that disgusting?_

"So you don't like my cooking?"

She just wanted to do her part as a good girlfriend. She wants to please him. She wants to gratify him to the utmost extent so that once she tells him, he wouldn't want to be anywhere without her. Just like she wouldn't, couldn't, live without him.

She felt guilty and was compensating with what she knows best, manipulation. But it doesn't seem to run in her favour today.

"I did not say that, Erin." he viciously ran his hands over his face, exasperated. He doesn't want to fight with her anymore. "I just don't want you pressuring yourself, ok. I know you're tired."

"I'm not. I'm fine." she protested.

He snickered at that.

"What's 'huh' supposed to mean?"

With the heightened hormones coasting through her veins, her emotions were all over the place and today was no different.

They had just went from zero to a billion in a matter of seconds.

"Nothing, ok. If you wanna cook, then cook. I'm not stopping you. But just don't blame me if you burn something or something doesn't go as planned cuz I never asked you to cook in the first place." he spat.

She just stared at the road, driving to his favourite restaurant.

* * *

 _8:56pm_

Tonight was like any other ordinary night. They coexist under the same roof. Their relationship have never been so awkward. Before everything fell apart, they never just coexist, they were inseparable. Even Voight couldn't separate them.

Erin feels as though she's out of control. Right now, her life was mush, she has nothing in her hands, nothing was familiar, nothing was certain. Not her sanity, thoughts and definitely not her emotions.

So once again, she immersed herself in a light scrubbing of the kitchen sink to distract herself from life. But tonight, it wasn't doing the trick. The baby was kicking away and all that she was reminded was of Carlos Solis.

Jay was in the living room watching the Hawks game. In other words, listening to the blaring television.

They haven't talked at all since in the car and they weren't even talking at that time. She've talked more to Kelly than to her own boyfriend.

 _Talking to Kelly isn't cheating, now is it?_

"How was your day?" he asked from the living room.

 _Should she tell him about Kelly?_

She ought to start by not keeping anything from him. It wouldn't do either of them any good. "Good. Saw Kelly this afternoon. We kinda bumped into each other on the street when I was coming back from the supermarket."

"Oh, that's good. You guys talked?"

She looked into his eyes; not a pang of jealousy.

He _trusts_ her.

"Yea. We had lunch and he told me that Hermann has some baby stuff from his youngest and most of them aren't even used. I thought it was a good idea. What do you think?"

"That's really nice of Herrmann."

Though his youngest was a boy, it was just clothes that she could use at home if it'd be too weird to be wearing outside. It's not like _she_ will even care or know the difference or know what's going on. Of course she'd still be buying some cute outfits and dresses for _her_ to wear. After all she's still a mother; she would like to play dress up with _her_.

"Er, could you please just stop that and come sit with me?"

He sounded annoyed.

She deserved it.

* * *

 _10:36pm_

Tiptoeing into their room, not wanting to wake him, she carefully crawled under the covers and onto her side of the bed. If she wants to start living normally again, she has to try to feel comfortable in sharing every aspect of her life with him, good or bad.

Just as Kelly had said, she has to talk to him.

"Er?"

He sounded groggy. She must have woken him up.

She felt him stir, turning to face her side. With their distance and her back towards him, they're practically ten thousand miles apart. She might as well be on the other side of the planet.

"I was waiting for you. Thought you were lost." he chuckled.

His fingers tentatively reached out for her, caressing her skin before fully wrapping his strong arms around her waist and pulling her closer.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, babe. I don't know, I guess I was tired."

They both had the same excuse for their poor attitude for one another; exhaustion.

"It's alright. I shouldn't have been so sensitive."

She shouldn't have taken his words too personally.

Melting into his arms, she allowed him hold her. Unsure of who needs this more.

He kissed her shoulders just as he stopped caressing her exposed arm. "I love you, _baby_ _girl_." he whispered, rubbing her ever expanding belly.

He ran his thumb gently along her cheekbones. "You can talk to me about anything, Er."

She nodded, unable to speak.

Maybe she should just tell him now.

Maybe she should just rip off the bandage right now when she's not in too deep.

"I'm not forcing you to talk about it. I just want you to know I'm here. I'm never going to leave you."

He has no idea that what they should be talking about has nothing to do about the rape.

She nodded.

She's still not quite convinced that he wouldn't leave.

She can't tell him.

 _What he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him, right?_

"I love you, Er." he whispered in her ear. His warm breath tickling the sensitive skin on the back of her ear.

He won't love her after she tells him.

She has no rights to say those words back to him even though she does love him so very much.

They stayed quiet.

Tears slid down her cheeks at the tune he was humming. He had told her that this song was a sentiment to him. It was a song his mother had sang to him and Will as a child when they couldn't sleep.

She listened to him until her eyes grew heavy, until the sweet tune was a million miles away.

Tomorrow will be a repeat of today, an endless cycle of angst.

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading! Another question, should Erin tell Jay of her hook up with Adam? I'd really like to know what you guys think!**_


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

Hank Voight stood in his kitchen as he looked in his refrigerator, thinking of something to make for dinner. He was in the crossroads of ordering in or whipping a quick meal for Erin and him.

He could make spaghetti, Camille's recipe. It was Erin's favourite. She can't ever get enough of Camille's spaghetti. He remembered the first three months when Erin had moved in with them, it was the only food she wanted to eat. While everyone else got sick and tired of it by the first week, Erin refused to eat anything else.

The most important thing in his life was his family and when he had them, he took them for granted. They were now gone - his wife and son - and missed them so so much. It was too soon. They didn't deserve to die. If anything, it was him who deserved to be taken away.

Taking all his loved ones away from him was probably God's sick way of teaching him a lesson, a payback of all the wrongs he had done in his life. And when he almost lost Erin, he sure as hell almost lost his mind. Erin's who he had left. His only family.

He shut the door to the refrigerator just as Erin came through the doorway, yawning and scratching her eyes.

Shaking his head, he smiled. It was like time hadn't flown twenty years into the future. She looked nothing past fifteen, to him at least.

"Hey, kid." he greeted as she went to grab a mug off the shelf.

"Hey."

She's the same grumpy fifteen year old.

Sighing, he watched as she slumped onto one of the chairs in the kitchen table, taking a sip of the orange juice she had just poured for herself.

"Head still hurts?" he asked with concern when she frowned and began massaging her temples.

She nodded.

"You should get that checked. It could be high blood pressure."

"It's probably just stress. Nothing to worry about."

"Yea, _probably_." he reiterated.

He was worried about her. Actually he have been worried about her since he rescued her from the streets seventeen years ago. From every boy she talked about to every time she step foot out of the house, he worries about her. He knows he shouldn't but he can't help it; it's the father in him that wants to protect her till the end of time.

Truth be told, it was putting a strain on his health. The constant worry of not knowing whether today's the day she'll break and do something to hurt herself was tiring. That will soon change as next week, she's going to be back at the station and in that way, he can keep an eye on her. Excessive and constant worrying have been giving him chest pains lately. Stress; he shrugged it off, just like she had. It was nothing to worry about and besides, he wants to spend some time with his daughter, stress free.

"I have Tylenol. It's safe."

She shook her head. "It's alright. I can handle it."

After the stunt she had pulled, the drugs and the drinking in the first four months of her pregnancy, she doesn't want to take any more risks. She opt to be drug free for the remainder. It's for the best and in fact, she've gone through worse pain before.

She watched as Voight took a seat in front of her. Resting his elbows on the arm rest, he ran a hand over his chin as he looked at her.

"What? You're staring."

"I'm so proud of you, kid." he nodded, "Have I told you that?"

"About a billion times." she laughed. He have always told her how proud he is of her, he never failed to let her know that. But she just doesn't believe that herself.

"You decided on a birth plan?"

Camille would've been so excited to go through this journey with her, mother and daughter. They'd enjoy shopping for baby clothes and all the other necessities, sharing stories; Camille would've been a great help for Erin.

"A birth what now?"

"A birth plan."

"Uh, isn't it obvious?..."

He smiled, she looks so confused.

"I'm gonna go to the hospital when my water breaks and the doctors, you know, will do their thing. What plan are you talking about?"

He laughed. "You're in for one helluva a ride."

"Well, as long as I'm numb from waist down, I'll be fine!" she laughed.

Since she got a taste of what childbirth felt like from the almost-labour, which she definitely did not enjoyed, she vowed to never go through that again without an epidural.

They stayed silent for a few minutes before her nervous sniffles caught his attention. Something she does out of habit. He placed his hand over hers, squeezing it gently.

He knows she's scared.

"What's on your mind kid?"

She broke her gaze from him and looked down at her hands. "I don't know. I sometimes wonder whether I did the right thing of keeping _her_. What if _she's_ like him?"

She cringed at the thought of _him_. She thinks of _him_ every day and it's killing her.

"Erin." he said, shaking his head.

"No, really. What if? I don't wanna be responsible for _that_."

"For what?"

"For making _her_ a victim to _her_ DNA."

"You can't think like that."

"Why not?"

He has no explanation.

The fact was _her_ father is a serial rapist. A sadistic son of a bitch who raped _her_ mother who had _her_ as a result. That thought too never left his mind. But that got him to look past that, to look past DNA. The genetic make up probably wasn't the culprit, nobody just happens to born evil. It was a trait that ought to be thought. It was his upbringing as a Solis.

"Erin, you gotta trust that sometimes things will work in your favour."

 _She_ may be a Solis but her upbringing wouldn't be.

Erin nodded. "It shouldn't matter, right? _She's_ still half me after all. I mean, I am a good person, right?"

"The best. You'll be an amazing mother. You have nothing to worry about." he nodded and squeezed her hand.

Erin turned to face her father. "How could you possibly know that?"

"Because you're my daughter and I know you. Because I know what a kind, smart and loving person you are. Even after everything, you still couldn't give up on _her_. Even after what life has thrown at you, you've come out on the other side stronger than ever. Your empathy and resiliency is what makes you a great cop. I've said it a billion times and I'm gonna say it a billion and one times again, I am so proud of you. In every aspect of that word. I'm proud of who you were, who you've become and the mother you will be once _she's_ in your life."

She forced a smile and ran her hands through her hair before wiping off tears that had managed to fall down her cheeks. "You shouldn't be proud of me, Hank. I cheated on Jay. How could I do _that_ to him?" she said before erupting in sobs.

She had told him about her indiscretion about a week ago and though he didn't say anything, he didn't have to. His eyes did all the talking. He was so disappointed.

Although she wasn't too sure if the disappointment was because she had cheated on Jay or that it was with Adam that she had willingly laid with.

He already knew that when she had told him the other week but he couldn't let her know that, she'd be so devastated to know what the whole Unit had seen. Something that can't be unseen no matter how many times they've tried.

"What you did was wrong, dead wrong, Erin. To be honest, I wasn't expecting that from you. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. But don't you think lying to Halstead is much worse? I know you don't want to hurt him but it's gonna hurt worse if you play it out longer. And I hate to break it to you, you made your choice that day." he shrugged. He wasn't trying to make her feel worse than she already did, he just wanted her to see that she's the only one who can make things right. Either way, it's them who's going to get hurt at the end of the day. Sure, Adam will but not as much as them.

"You're going to have to come clean sooner or later cuz the lies will only keep on piling. One after the other. You're on rocky roads right now with your relationship cuz you have secrets, you need to open up, let him in. Secrets are the poison of every relationship. Let him know Erin Lindsay. Everything there is to her. You don't have do it all in one day, start slow. If losing Camille has taught me anything it's if someone loves you, they will love you for you, forgive you for whatever stupid mistake you did and stand by you no matter what. Halstead loves you without a shadow of doubt. And I'd like to think that you two have what it takes to work through anything. I see the way he looks at you. I don't think you need to worry to much."

Watching her sink into a hole and being able to do anything but watch for the past six months was the hardest thing he have had to endure. In someways it was worse than having to pull the plug on Justin because there wasn't much that he could do but watch.

"I'm sorry for everything you've had to deal with, Erin. If I could go back in time and make things right for you, I would. In a heartbeat. You know I would."

The fact that Erin hadn't told him that she was pregnant with a Solis, and that she have been suffering in silence all by herself all this time, crushed him. Sometimes he just wants to shake her, to get her to understand that he's never going to give up on her. He's never going to leave her.

 _Halstead and him._

She, out of everyone, should know that he would go above and beyond for her and to protect her. So, the fact that after everything he had helped Erin through in life, the fact that she felt that she couldn't tell him, hurt him.

 _Why wouldn't she just tell him?_

"Oh! I want you to have something." she said before quickly hurrying out to the living room.

He kept his gaze at the doorway, waiting for her. When she came back, his face beamed at what she had in her hands.

"I love this picture." she stated.

He sighed and held the delicate frame in his hands, one that Erin had took from the mantle.

It felt like yesterday that the four of them had taken that picture. It was Erin's first Christmas with them as a perfect happy family. It was where Erin carved her first turkey. It was where she opened her first Christmas present and it was where she took her first Christmas photo.

He ran his thumb over the glass. They were all so happy. Erin was smiling so brightly, a smile he hadn't seen in a long time.

"I miss her." she said softly.

She really did. What she wanted most in life was a mother and when she finally did, she was taken away just as quickly.

She needed Camille to help her through this pregnancy like every mother would.

"Me too."

His precious Camille.

"I want you to have this."

He didn't know what to say when she handed him the black and white picture.

"That's _her_ at 24 weeks."

She was hesitant in giving him the picture as she doesn't know if he would want a sonogram of her considering how she was conceived. But _she_ ought to have a chance at the Voight memorabilia.

"Thank you." Voight reached down and took the sonogram from Erin and studied it for a moment.

" _She's_ already so lucky. You're going to be ok, kid. You're going to ok."

* * *

Erin was dozing off on the couch when the front door began to jiggle, startling her awake.

Grimacing, she pulled herself off the couch, aches and pains radiated everywhere. Even in places she didn't know could be aching.

Having had her first day back at the District was nonetheless exhausting. Though all she did was sit and file papers at the file room, somehow she managed to tire herself out. It was the pregnancy. This baby was draining the energy out of her.

As promised, she went to talk to Dr. Charles. He had thought it was good idea to get herself out of the apartment and into a new environment since in many ways her impulsive and obsessive cleaning and showering was only making her PTSD worse. Although she did overcame with the urge to scrub something this afternoon and was so close to driving herself back home, but she didn't. She waited until she actually got home and scrubbed herself clean.

Her impulsion was still a work in progress.

She had allowed Jay to hang with the guys at Molly's. He was reluctant at first in leaving her alone in the apartment but she had insisted. She wanted him to have a great time with his friends without her for hovering around all the time.

With her eyes still half open, she groaned at the stiffness in her back while walking towards the door before it fully opened. She froze at the sight before her and so did he. Adam had the same reaction as her, as he stared at her for a split second, as memories from that night flooded.

She doesn't understand why she was so shocked to him since she had practically spent the entire day with him today at the station. Still, other than being in the same building, same floor and office, they barely even looked at each other.

She don't get why he was making their encounters so awkward all the time or was it she who was making it unbearable?

This was an absolute cosmic joke, God's way of punishing them.

"Baby, I'm home." Jay shouted cheerfully, breaking their gaze from one another.

Jay's face was plastered with a wide grin. He finally felt alive again. He felt like he was Jay again. Jay who wasn't blind.

 _He looked so happy._

"Man, there's no need to shout!" Adam chuckled, "She's right here."

"Hey." she said, tipping on her toe to give him a quick kiss on the lips. He's tipsy. She can taste the alcohol on his lips.

"Hey, baby. Did we wake you?" he asked as he waked in. Adam was still standing out in the doorway. He didn't want to come in, so did she.

"Nah. This little monster kept up up."

Adam had no choice but to take Jay home. If he could opt out, he would. Kevin had an emergency with his little sister while Antonio had to help out with something at his patents house. Hence, leaving earlier than expected.

It difficult being around Jay and having to lie to his face constantly. And the worst part was that he's blind. He's in total oblivion to his surroundings.

They shouldn't have slept together. They weren't thinking about the consequences of their actions. They were just thinking about themselves. They were selfish.

"Thanks Adam." she quickly said her goodbyes, not giving Jay any chance to invite him in. Just like her, Adam couldn't have answered her any quicker before gladly dashing out the building.

He didn't want to see Erin anymore today but he did anyway.

 _What have they done to their friendship?_

She locked the front door behind her, double checking all the locks. One can never be too sure no matter how safe the neighbourhood was. Carlos was still out to get her.

Jay slowly and carefully huddled to the sofa, the tapping of his cane echoed in the apartment. With months of hardwork, dedication and determination, he have successfully learned his to walk again. To think back, just a few months ago, he could hardly even stand on his own let alone walk.

She've always known he could do it.

"Well, that was weird. Does Adam seem a bit off to you, Er?"

Her eyes widen.

 _Did he say something about them?_

"No. Why?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. He's different. It's like he doesn't want to be around me or something. His vibe is all hostile."

"Oh, babe. I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably tired. He did have a long day today."

"Yeah. Maybe." he smiled at her. He really did have a great time.

Lies. It seems like every time she opens her mouth, she simply spits out another lie.

"You want some coffee?" she asked.

He was still smiling.

 _Gosh! He's so happy!_

She's going to ruin all the happiness in his life if she tells him.

"Sure. If it's not any trouble."

"Of course not. I'll be right back." she said and nervously walked off with a hand to her stomach.

 _She can't tell him tonight!_

Bursting through the kitchen door, she immediately slumped against the counter, letting out a deep breath.

She can't keep lying to him. She can't. She can't live this way for the rest of her life. He's going to be absolutely miserable if she does tell him and she can't do that to him. It was what she kept telling herself.

Stirring the coffee with a teaspoon, she nervously took another deep breath before heading out.

What they both were doing to Jay was selfish, she's going to have to tell him.

 _Tonight._

As she handed him his cup of coffee, she placed her own mug on the coffee table and tentatively sat back down on the couch next to him. The blaring television was the only sound drowning out the heavy silence.

"So how was your first day back at the station?"

"Actually, it was surprisingly good." she took a sip of her tea, "I never thought filing papers would be so relaxing."

She actually enjoyed what she was doing. Being in the zone, no distractions, knowing that she's safe in a building filled with armed cops, was actually exhilarating. Other than the few nasty stares and whispers from officers who were definitely judging her, today was just like old times.

"That's sarcasm, right?" he asked. He couldn't really tell anymore.

"No, Jay. I genuinely enjoyed."

"Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?" he laughed and kissed her temple.

He shifted, scooting further to the other side of the couch before resting his head on her lap. Erin was convinced he was drunk when he began talking to her belly.

It was nice to see Jay already enjoying every second of his time with _her_. She would sometimes catch him talking to _her_ or playing some sort of silly game with _her_ in the middle of the night when she would be awaken to _her_ sudden harsh kicks. It was what's causing her nightmares but she didn't have the heart to ask him to stop. Sometimes she'd wake up and he'd stop. Other times, she'd wait until he fall asleep and creep out onto the couch.

"What are you doing?" she said softly, scuffling his hair.

She can't tell him today. He's so happy.

 _What's another day of lying?_

"I'm asking _her_ a question." he said still watching her belly.

She laughed, confused.

"And the princess said yes." he exclaimed, rubbing her belly as he kissed it.

"To what?"

Looking up at her, "I'm gonna show you something." he said.

"What is it?"

"It's a surprise."

"You know I hate surprises, Jay." she huffed.

"Trust me babe." he said as he got to his feet and put out his hand for her. "Wait. Close your eyes."

"Jay." she chuckled. "That's not a good idea."

Two of them, blinded by darkness, was a definite bad idea and not to mention dangerous.

 _What if she trips?_

"C'mon, Er. You trust me, yeah?"

She does, more than anyone in this world.

Looking at him for a moment, a frown on her face, she's the worst person on earth. She sighed, taking his hand and closed her eyes.

Jay counted the steps out loud, so did she as she followed his lead. Stopping every now and then to curse at the world when she stubbed her pinky toe.

 _It's difficult being blind._

"Ok. I think we're here." he finally said. "Don't open your eyes yet."

She groaned, having no clue where they were in the apartment. It seemed like they were just looping in a circles.

All she heard were the doorknob twisting and the flick of a light switch.

 _What kind of surprise could he possibly have in a room?_

"Ok. Open your eyes."

She slowly opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times to adjust to the lights. Staring wide eyed at the sight before her, she froze. Her mouth slightly gaping, she knows she's about to cry.

"We are at the right room, right? Are your eyes open?" he questioned when she didn't make a sound.

She's speechless.

Looking at him, beaming like a sun, then back at the room, she wiped the impending tears that had fallen.

She was bathed in a soft light that illuminated a beautifully decorated nursery in hues of rose pink and cream.

 _Gosh! He's an angle._

Though lately their relationship have been deteriorating, they fought and argued almost every day, mostly because of petty things that ticked one another off, they always manage to reconcile at the end of the day. They never go to bed without not speaking to each other.

But the thing is, it's a vicious cycle of denial and pretending. Whatever was bothering them never gets talked about and the elephant in the room just tripled in size with every argument.

It was only just this morning that they had a fight. Now thinking about it, she can't even remember what was the argument about. It must be useless.

She feels so bad for him, she pity him. He was in total oblivion. Everything that he has done for her, and now _this_ , she was only making their relationship worse by lying to him. Voight was right she needs to do the right thing as soon as possible.

But the right thing was not tonight. Doing the right thing will crush him and mostly her.

"Jay." she uttered completely in awe and ashamed at herself.

Stepping inside, she took his hand in hers and walked towards the white crib that had a frilly lace canopy, one that matched the cradle and rocker perfectly that Voight had gotten her.

The whole room looked like someone had vomited pink all over the place. The walls. The bedspread. Even the carpet was pink. It was a room fit for a princess and it was a room she had always wanted for her daughter.

"We can paint her name on the wall somewhere once you figure out a perfect name for our little princess."

 _Our?_

He's so excited. _She's_ not his.

"What do you think?"

She loves it.

"How did you do it?"

More tears managed to trickle down her cheeks as she looked around what was Nadia's room, which she've never step foot in ever since she cleared it over a year ago.

She doesn't know how he could've done it with her constantly in the apartment.

"I didn't to it myself, Er. I'm a blind man, remember?" he laughed, "No. I've always thought about building a nursery from scratch, all by myself, but now that I can't, I got some help from the guys and 51."

Last weekend with all the furnitures and paint already bought, he had asked Voight to keep Erin busy at his house in order for all of them to build the perfect nursery for a perfect princess. It had taken them a lot of hours and manpower that span out in two days to assemble the room.

"Sylvie and Gabby picked the colour and the crib and the dresser. I hope you like it. I don't know. I just described what I wanted to the guys and this is what I got...I guess."

He can't see anything but he hoped it was just as he had envisioned in his head.

"It's beautiful, Jay." she said as she lightly traced her fingers over the white varnished crib. The whole nursery was unreal.

"Oh, what?" she exclaimed when she saw the picture that was supposed to be at Voight's house. "Did Voight?"

She was lost for words.

She doesn't deserve the picture.

"The picture? Voight said you loved that."

"I can't believe you'd do this for her." she said with a hand to her belly. _She_ too was ecstatic as _she_ swirled about inside.

He kissed her forehead or at least he tried to and pulled her into a hug, "I'd do anything for my princesses. I don't care what DNA says, Er, _she's_ my daughter."

* * *

Sniffing. Whimpering. Sobbing.

Those were the sounds he was awoken to. For a moment, he thought it was all in his head again, that maybe it was just a dream, he was still paranoid and afraid that a labour could happen again. She was all he could think about, even in his sleep.

When she began whimpering incoherent slurs was when he knew she was having a nightmare again. One of many for the past few months.

He managed to prop on his elbow, reaching out to feel for her body. She was curled up in a ball on the far end of the bed.

"Get off me. Get off me."

It broke him to hear her plead. He can clearly see it now. An imagine he doesn't want to picture but somehow it was all he could see. Carlos on top of her and inside her while she begged him to stop hurting her.

That sicko ruined her.

"Stop. Stop. You're-ow..."

"Erin." he shook her hesitantly. He didn't want to startle her.

"Stop." she sobbed, "I'll do what you want. Just please stop."

He doesn't know whether the fact that she wasn't screaming means that she's worsening or a sign that she've progressed. Either way, he's scared.

"Erin, baby." he begged, tangling his hands in her vanilla scented hair as he desperately tried to figure out a way to wake her without scaring her.

This was what she didn't want him witnessing. She has no control over the words that comes out of her mouth in dreams. The pleas, the whimpers, the cries were all too embarrassing. She doesn't want Jay listening to them.

"Baby, you're ok. You're home. You're safe. You're with me. Listen to my voice, Er. I've got you." he whispered soothingly into her ear. Calming down once he felt her body relaxed.

"Jay?" she choked, coughing as she tried to calm herself down.

"Sh, sh, it was just a dream." he said, gently kissing her forehead. She burrowed into his chest, clutching onto his shirt and he breathed a sigh of relief when she held him tighter. She was shaking against him and he rocked her gently all the while rubbing her back, trying his best to calm her.

This was why she didn't want to sleep next to him. She doesn't want to scare him.

He felt hot tears soaking through the shirt he was wearing and he fought the every urge to clench his fists and punch something. His blood was boiling, he was so mad.

How could he have done this to her?

He raped her, took everything from her and left him with a broken shell.

Why would he ruin her?

He wished there was more he could do for her like kill that son of a bitch with his bare hands but this was all it has come to.

"You're safe." he said, running his hands up and down her back.

This was what he wanted, he want to help her, he wanted to be there for her with every nightmare and every memory.

"Everything's ok baby."

Feeling her push away, he let go of her. "Sorry." she whispered. Her voice sound so hoarse, so weak, so different.

"Don't be sorry." he said, grabbing for her hands. He missed her warmth already.

Just hours ago, through all the haze of smiles and happiness, he had forgotten all the tension and sadness his life was in. Happiness just seemed to be temporary nowadays. It exists but never wants to stay.

She pulled his hands up to her lips and kissed it. "Go back to sleep." she said, "I'm fine. I just need some water."

He knows she's not fine but he let her go anyway.

Waiting, he waited for her for what seemed like forever until he realised he was dozing off for the third time.

 _How long was it to get a glass of water?_

He knows she's doing more than just that.

Pushing the covers back, he reached for his folding cane that was on the nightstand before scuffling out to the living room where he heard her.

"Erin." he called out but she didn't reply. He panicked when she didn't answer him. But he knows she's here; he can hear her.

She was on the left side of the apartment and he was certain she was huddled on the couch. He can hear her typing something on the laptop.

Even with the tapping of his cane, she still didn't seem to acknowledge his presence. She was so immersed in what she was reading that she couldn't even hear him come in.

"Hey." he finally said when it seems like she was never going to notice him.

He knows he had startled her as a he heard a gasp escape her lips. The kitchenware clang together as it collided with something.

"Sorry." he smiled wearily, holding his hand up. He meant no harm.

"I didn't hear you...Sorry...What are you doing up?"

He shrugged, "I missed you." He said, "Come back to bed. You've gotta go to work in a few hours." he beckoned her to follow suit.

"My time's flexible, Jay. You, you have a long day tomorrow. Go back to bed."

Jay completely ignored her and cautiously lowered himself onto the couch, wrapping an arm around her. If she wants to be stubborn, he does too.

"Are you eating something?"

Nodding, "Ice cream." she said, giving him a spoonful of the cookie dough ice cream.

 _Her favourite._

"How can you eat that when it's cold?" he shuddered.

"Because it's cold outside, not inside and _she_ made me do it!" she chuckled before giving him another spoon.

They sat in silence, sharing the cookie dough ice cream and the wool blanket that his mother had got him on her last Christmas.

Jay was exhausted, all he wanted was to sleep, but something about the tranquil atmosphere and the heat radiating off her body beside him feels amazing. He doesn't want to leave her side.

"Remember when I told you that if you knew what went on with Charlie and I, you wouldn't think of me the same?" she said so quietly, he was even sure she was speaking at all.

That question took him off guard, it was so unexpected and out of nowhere.

Charlie Pugliese. It was Voight who had told him a little about that other sicko and what he made Erin and her brother do to survive.

He've never heard her talk about Charlie other that one time at the station when he asked her about their relationship.

She was fourteen.

He was twenty three.

She thought she was in love.

Charlie helped them out.

"Yea. A while back."

He wasn't sure where this was coming from but it's a start. She's finally opening up.

"Well, you can only imagine what two teenagers had to do to make money off the streets."

He knew it. He've always known but the wound was still feels fresh, like he've been punched in the stomach. It hurts to hear what she had to endure as a child.

Erin took a deep breath to pull herself together. "He made us do _things_ in exchange for food and shelter and drugs. I fell for him, I was loyal. I would've done anything for him and I did without even thinking."

Her dad was locked up forever and Bunny stopped coming home entirely, it was Charlie who kept the heat on.

Those three essential were really all they needed back in the day. Food, a home and drugs. She took her first line of coke at the age of thirteen and was hooked instantly. She loved every hit, every blow. It was her great escape.

At that point, she had stopped going to school entirely since she saw no reason why she had to be there if she would eventually get suspended or expelled.

Up until Voight took her in, her life was a blur. She can't really remember anything that had happened when she was twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen.

"No matter how adamant I was on doing those _things_ , Teddy never allowed me to."

Charlie never knew that Erin wasn't working the streets even though she said she was. Teddy would work twice as hard for his little sister so that she wouldn't have to. At the end of each day, he'd split his yield in half, giving Erin her 'earnings' before they had to hand it to Charlie.

It was their little secret.

"But when he ran away, I realised why he never wanted me to."

It was harsh. Those perverts didn't care if they hurt her. They just wanted a little girl.

He was suddenly so enraged at everyone whom she had trusted. Her parents. Her brother. Charlie.

 _Why would anyone hurt her?_

That was the one thing he couldn't understand.

"Why did you ask for help?" he managed to whisper.

She did. Long before Charlie came into the picture.

He wasn't sure how she was going to react but all she does was tilt her head slightly. "I did." she said, "Case no. 218 remember? We were put into the system."

That was why she couldn't give _her_ up for adoption. She can't selfishly put _her_ into a failed system knowing that it did nothing but cause problems.

It's beyond fixable and the only ones suffering were the innocent children.

She didn't want _her_ to be passed around from home to home like she had, to face the trauma of never being able to settle _herself_ into a family like she had, to face the abuse like she had, to face the neglect for a cheque like she had. _Her_ safest place to live a fulfilled life where she is loved is with Erin.

"Jay, if anything were to happen to me, I want you to take care of _her_. I want you to fight for _her_. Please promise me you will, Jay. He can't take _her_."

He's beyond confused. _Where was this coming from?_

He reached over to take the empty bowl from her hands and she finally looked at him, he can't see her but he knows her eyes are brimming with unshed tears. "What are you talking about, Er?" he said softly. "Nothing's going to happen to you."

"What if?"

He kissed the top of her head and pushed a few strands behind her ears. "Baby, nothing's going to happen."

"I could die having her. It says on the World Health Organisation that 303,000 women WILL die from complications as a result of childbirth. What if I'm one of those 303,000 women?"

"Er, baby. Listen to me. You're healthy, _she's_ healthy. You're both going to be fine, ok." he was adamant in having his point across. He needs her to believe that she will be fine even when she has a reason to worry. No one knows what their fate lies ahead.

 _What if?_

She can't leave him all alone in this world in the dark. He might as well join her.

"You should really stop reading those stuff on the internet, Er."

"But-"

"No. Stop."

He doesn't want to think about her leaving him. He can't imagine a world without Erin.

"Sorry. I just want what's best for _her_ , you know..." she snuggled into his side and wrapped her arms around his waist, "As a kid, I'd see my friends with their happily-married parents with their white picket fences, big houses, all smiles and I remembered, telling myself _I want_ _that_. I wanted what my friends had and I never did. And I don't want _her_ to ever think that, Jay. I want _her_ to have the life I never had. But she...everything is so wrong and I'm bringing _her_ into this world with a mother who can barely keep it together as it is and life now is so complicated..."

He squeezed her hand tightly and she looked up at his perfect chiselled face, the smile etched across his face, the freckles that she so desperately wanted to count, the man who loved her unconditionally in spite of all the crap she had put him through. She loves him. She really does.

"Then, we could un-complicate things." he beamed, "Who said _she_ can't have a perfect life? _She's_ already got two loving parents and a huge family who already adores her. _She's_ got a granddad, plenty of uncles and aunts...What else would _she_ need? We could get a dog, buy a house in Clarendon Hills, get married..."

As he continued talking about the future, she doesn't think he's even aware of the fact that he had mentioned _marriage_. This was why she doesn't open up; it always backfires.

The guilt was eating at her.

She dug her nails into her palms tighter and tighter by the passing second. She couldn't hear a word that was coming out of his mouth nor could she see anything with all the tears in her eyes. As she pretended to listen with every nod, she cursed at herself for being an awful human being.

She deserved all the hurt that was given to her in life.

 _Get married?_

* * *

 ** _Thank you all for your feedbacks on the last chapter! I really appreciate it! Thanks for reading!_**


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

"Jay." she said in a bare whisper. So softly that she wasn't sure if he had actually heard her. She can feel her heart at the pit of her stomach. Terrified, her legs were trembling but she tried to stay very still against the wall of their bedroom.

She cannot go on like this. _Lying_. Lying to the man she loves on a daily basis. It was eating her up inside. Just being in the same room as him has gotten to the point where she'd avoid putting herself in that position entirely. So, she'd avoid him. The fact that she had hurt him was hurting her. Slowly but surely killing her even.

 _She cheated._

 _She slept with another man._

But whatever the consequences, she had to come clean today and pray to the Almighty above that he'll find it in his heart to forgive her. She never meant to hurt him. It was just a drunken, stoned hook up. One that literally didn't mean anything.

He's a good man. He's going to forgive her.

 _Right?_

"We need to, ahh, I need, I need to talk to you, Jay."

She watched as he spun around to look at her direction; he was buttoning up his shirt. A look of frustration painted on his. She knows he was having a hard time buttoning his shirt. It was the one task that he dreaded. A task that was once as easy as pie but now an annoyance and a hassle.

"Yea, of course." he said and sat back down on the bed, motioning for her to join him.

 _Finally_. It was now that she finally decided to talk, to open up. After months and months of waiting and giving her time and space, she finally decided to entrust in him.

She's finally normal.

He's finally going to get a piece of her mind.

He's finally going to know what's been consuming her.

But he wondered whether he's even ready to listen to what Carlos did to her.

He took her hands in his and when he felt those quivering hands and the sound of her sniffles, he knew something wasn't right. She still wasn't ready.

It hurts him that she's still hurting.

"It's ok. It's ok." he pulled her into his arms but she quickly pushed him away and got up.

He knitted his brows, confused, and looked up at where he felt she was. "Er, talk to me."

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stood by the foot of the bed. Her arms crossed around her chest. She ought to do this today. She can't keep stalling.

 _If not now, when?_

"Er?"

"Jay, I..." she sobbed.

"Hey, Er, baby, I get it, ok. It's alright. I'm not forcing you to tell me anything, ok? You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready." he said, calmly. "Baby, I love-"

"No." she shook her head. She didn't want him to finish that sentence anymore. It wasn't doing any of them any good by hearing those three little words. She can't hear him say those words any longer. She doesn't deserve his love. Or to be loved. "Just listen...please." she rested her hands on her stomach and blew out a deep agonising breath.

Something was definitely wrong.

 _Was it the baby?_

 _Did she do something to her?_

 _He's frightened._

"What is it, Er?" he asked as he slowly got on two feet, standing in front of her.

"I, I..." she sighed, "I cheated." she croaked. The two words, the three syllables stuck in her throat.

Her eyes were away. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't face him.

 _There_.

She said it. It finally came out. She finally voiced out her indiscretion, her liaison.

She wasn't sure if he had actually heard her with the silence that he was in.

But here it was; the truth.

"What did you say?" he asked. His fists were clenching and so were his jaws. He must not have heard her properly.

 _She couldn't have._

 _Erin wouldn't._

With a sigh, she gathered the nerve to repeat those two words louder this time. "I slept with Adam." she added and hang her head in shame as she continued to cry.

 _Silence_. He was oddly silent.

She finally musk up the courage to look up at him. His face was blank. It held no expression whatsoever. There were no tears. No nothing. His beautiful freckled face was just a blank canvas.

"Jay."

She touched his arm.

He flinched.

She suddenly sounded so irritating to him. Like nails on chalkboard.

"This was what you wanted to tell me? That you..."

His heart was pounding. The ticking of his watch grew louder and louder under the deafening silence. Silence that was quickly filling his fragile skull, making him on the verge of screaming and ripping at anything and everything.

 _Adam Ruzek._

He'll start with him.

He'll kill that bastard.

"I'm so sorry. I know that sorry doesn't fix what I-"

She never saw it coming. _Why would_ _she?_ He'd never put his hands on her or any women for that matter. Never. Or so she had though he'd never.

 _But he did._

It was her fault why he did. She pushed him to his limits. She deserved it.

He backhanded her across her face with so much force that a crackle resonated in what was once a silent room and her head whipped to one side.

Maybe he'll just have to start with her.

"I gave you everything. EVERYTHING! I did everything I could for you! I pour out my heart to you! And you fucking my best friend was what I got in return!"

 _How could she have done that?_

 _How could she have cheated?_

 _Erin isn't a cheater._

 _Not his Erin._

Out of all the people - men, women - she could've screwed, she choose to deceit him with Adam. They both had been lying to his face. He can't believe they'd do that to him.

They must be laughing behind his back all this time.

No. He's blind. He wouldn't even notice if they'd been laughing to his face.

She looked up at Jay in disbelief. Her left cheek was stinging. Her neck was aching. Her head was suddenly in piercing sharp pains. His eyes were cold and monstrous. Familiar in some way.

Something was off. She knows something wasn't right here. He was looking directly _at_ her. And with eyes that he's supposedly blind with. Like he could actually _see_ her.

"Jay, plea-" he didn't give her any time to finish, instead he grabbed her by the neck and slapped her even harder, letting her fall to the ground with a loud thud.

"I love you, Erin. I love you so so so so so so much! You have no idea! You're my angel." he seethed as he crouched down over her.

"What did I do wrong? What does he have that I don't? Tell me, Er. Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Just tell me!" he screamed, grabbing her shoulders with both hands and pulling her closer to him. His face just inches from hers.

"Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"

She struggled to get out of his grip but couldn't as he continued to shake her with every word that he was screaming at her. Spittle landing on her face.

Letting out a whimper, she closed her eyes. She can now taste the iron in her mouth and she wrapped her arms around her stomach. This wasn't him. This wasn't the man she loved.

 _Jay would never hurt her._

"Why can't you answer me, Er? I need an answer! So, I can be a better man for you, Erin! So, you can love me again! Erin! Answer me!" he yelled as he threw her back against the cold floor and hit her again and again and again. Harsher and harsher with every blow. Drawing blood with each punch. Until his knuckles hurt so bad that he had to switch to his other hand. Until she stopped screaming. Until she stopped begging him to stop. Until she stopped moving completely.

.

"Er. Er. Hey."

The sound of Jay's voice snapped her out of whatever was happening in her head.

"Erin?"

He had wanted and insisted that they go out on a stroll before heading black home. He wanted to feel the breeze of the cool air stinging his skin. They both had a long day and he just wanted to spend a little time with her in the quiet Mother Nature and enjoy the spring fresh air at the same time.

But now he regretted that decision.

She was having a nightmare and a panic attack right in the middle of a boulevard.

He doesn't know what to do.

He's not ready for this.

He's not prepared.

"Er, baby, calm down."

She was shaking like a leaf.

Her eyes were bright and wide with tears as she tried to catch her breath. Jay was going to kill her. She told him and he's going to kill her.

She tugged her hand out of his and recoiled from him as he tried to rest a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me! Don't!" she shouted, causing heads to turn around them.

"Don't!"

He hoped there wasn't much people around to witness whatever was happening. He wouldn't know how many people were around. Either way, he doesn't care.

They were just a few blocks away from home. If only he could get her to calm down, they'd be home in no time. She'll be able to shower like she always does while he sit, worrying when or if she'll even come out. And they'd just simply pretend like this never even happened.

They'll be as good as new.

That seemed like the best plan.

He can hear her. He can hear her deep laboured breaths which meant that she was still close.

"Er, it's me. It's me." he said calmly as he held his hand up in mock surrender. "Just listen to my voice. I'm not gonna hurt you. It's me. Jay, Jay Halstead. Your partner. Your boyfriend...Er...Please, Erin." he held his hand out since he doesn't really know where she was.

"Er...please..."

He felt her cold fingers curl onto his palms a long moment later and he very slowly and cautiously pulled her in. Not wanting to scare her away again.

He doesn't know what ticked her off this time. They were just joking around and talking about Braille and whatever she did at work today.

The guys. The case. Platt.

It was a normal, non-trigger conversation.

"I'm sorry." she choked on sobs, "I'm sorry. It's...the hormones. I don't know. I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm fine, Jay."

 _Who was she trying to convince?_

He kissed the top of her head and nuzzled into her curls, letting her familiar shampoo sink in. "Shh..." he whispered into her ear.

She's doing it again.

She's back to being broken.

She buried her face into his chest, clawing at his shirt as she does. Her hands were shaking so badly as were her entire body. Jay can feel her tears stinging his skin on his chest and that only made him angrier.

At her. At himself. At Carlos. At the world.

 _Why can't she just be normal again?_

 _Why can't she just move on already?_

He's tired and he've tried whatever he could think of to help her but all his efforts ended up in vain with her denial and her constantly shoving.

He can't force her to talk about it.

He's mad at her. She put herself here, in this position. _Again_.

Then again, he can't really ever stay mad at her or even have the rights to be angry at her since she doesn't have to tell him what happened in Colombia. But he just feels like if she does, she'll maybe, hopefully, feel better about herself and others around her.

He loves her. He don't think he can ever stay mad at her no matter the circumstances.

He loves her so so so much.

He felt her sweaty palms against his cheeks, begging him to look at her. Though she was fairly coherent, he doubt that she even was present in the present.

He doesn't understand why she was acting this way, _clingy_. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." she pleaded before collapsing back onto his chest.

They are in the middle of the sidewalk. It was past seven, people must be heading back home. People most definitely were staring at them. He can only imagine the drama they were giving them.

He doesn't need to imagine; they were the drama.

Can't help but wonder if they were putting out a great performance.

He held her tighter but this time, there were no sigh of relief. He's tense as ever.

Rubbing her back, he promised her that everything will be okay, that they'll go home and watch her favourite movie, that they'll go home and eat ice cream, that they'll go home and he'll rub her feet.

He just wants her to be happy. He needs her to be.

Everything will be ok.

 _What was she so afraid of?_

He don't know but he's fairly certain that it has more to do than what she went through at the hands of Carlos Solis.

* * *

 _ **Hi guys! Thanks so much for reading!**_ **That** _ **chapter is coming soon...Let me know your thoughts on this chapter! Was it good? Alright? Do you like this story? I don't know...Oh and a little shameless self-promo...please check out my other Linstead story; it's called**_ **Destined** _ **. Thanks! Haha! Also let me know what you think about that story!**_


	41. Chapter 41

_**Hey guys! So sorry for the super duper late update! My apologies...I hope this chapter will make up for the long wait! Thanks for the support! Enjoy...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 41**

"Your bet." Jay said, holding the arcane hand of cards - _to Erin, it was unknown_ \- close to his chest. His eyes were set firmly on her, studying her intently. Looking for even the tiniest amount of flicker, an indication that he could very well be winning this hand again.

She bit her lip, all the while knowing that that harmless nip would have an effect on him, and brushed her hair out of her eyes with her fingers as she looked back at him. "I think I'm gonna go all in."

"Me too. But all I have left to bet is this shirt and thong that I'm wearing." he added with a chuckle. There obviously wasn't a thong. He's not that kind of guy.

The low rumble of his voice drove her wild.

She raised an eyebrow, "That's good to know, Detective. What'd you got?"

They've been dealing for the last hour or so in a simple game of strip poker. _Yes, strip poker_. It wasn't the brightest decision in Erin's part since she's the bottom of all bottoms when it comes to poker.

It was a simple game since no money, no hard calculations were involved, just clothes. Them, paying their losses by shedding articles of clothing one desires.

"You first."

"Fine." Erin agreed, so sure of herself, so sure that the cards she had in her hands would at last be a victorious one for her. "Full house."

She can't help but smile, a knowing smile, while he kept his a straight face.

Erin folded her arms over her chest and looked across the small table at the living where they sat on the floor.

 _She's confident._

Tonight, she was finally going to win. She's finally going to rub it in his face just like he had every single time he won a hand in this silly game.

Every time he suggests to play strip poker, she doesn't know why she always gave into his pleas. It was probably due to her lowered inhibitions because of all the tequila shots. If she loses this round, next time, she's definitely going to scream no.

She watched as his eyes went back and forth at her cards that were now on the table and his, that were in his hands. He pursed his lips over at his partner who was currently narrowing her eyes at him.

"Hurry up, Mr. Slowpoke." she clapped her hands impatiently and rested her back by the foot of the couch, eyeing at all the various articles that were now scattered across the floor.

She can't deny the fact that he has an exceptional poker face.

Strip poker seemed like a good idea early on in the evening when they both were bored out of their minds. It was a time when she actually thought she would win the game and not be down to the bare minimum of only her undergarments.

"You afraid you're gonna loose?"

"Nope. Just debating on which clothing you should shed next." Jay said smugly and took a swig of his beer before setting it back down on the coffee table.

"Bra or panties? Bra or panties?" he hissed, weighing in his options in his head, "Tough one."

"Hurry! I'm cold!"

His ocean blue irises danced a lustful dance as he gazed at her, a smirk slowly etched on his perfectly chiselled face. A grin that told her she've lost again. "Royal flush! Hahh!"

"No!" she protested, getting on her knees to examine the cards he had laid out of the table. "No, no, no, no!"

 _She've always been a sore loser._

Her 3 of a kind and a pair was no match for that kind of royalty in front of her.

Erin's forest green eyes looked up from the table and met her partner's who looked like he had just won the lottery.

"Nope. Not doing it, Halstead."

His eyebrows were high and his mouth stretched out into another cheesy grin. She both loves and hates it when he smiles at her like that. It makes her warm and weak to her knees. "I'm waiting."

Erin shook her head and laughed. "If you think I'm going to...huh! Never! Think again, Jay."

It wasn't that she didn't want Jay to see her naked, he've done that plenty of times before. But to do exactly that, she first needs to accept the fact that he won and she lost.

Jay leaned back with a hefty sigh and smoothly rested his hands on the back of his head. Either way, he's a winner tonight. "Still waiting, Lindsay."

She looked down at her body, the clothing, or lack there of, that was covering her up, "You really that desperate, Jay? Can't we just call it even? I'll even let you drive for a week!"

He shook his head.

"Two weeks."

Jay shook his head again but stopped a tad longer to contemplate her offer. The offer to drive was a tempting one but not as much as drinking in the sight of his partner, the only girl who had his heart, the only girl he would want to kiss for eternity, the only girl he had his sight on, naked.

He'll pass on that offer any day. It was a no brainier.

"A bet's a bet, partner."

She groaned, then chuckled lightly, shaking her head. She can't believe she's doing this. She can't believe she've lost again.

Standing to walk over to Jay who hadn't blinked in the last five seconds, he just couldn't stop drooling at the sight before him. _It_ , she's beautiful, stunning. She's perfect. Her figure, her body was clearly doing wonders to his.

"Well played, Halstead. Well played."

It was a fair game and for that, he shall be rewarded.

 _A bet's a bet after all._

Erin stared at him, a warm smoky depth to her gaze as she slowly hooked her thumbs under the waistband of her panties and slid them down her toned legs. She wanted him as much as he needed her.

She smiled and moved to straddle him with her legs hugging his hips.

"Erin..." he moaned well before any real physical contact was even made. He looked up at the beautiful goddess, taking in the moment. His body was responding to her in all the right ways.

Her hands ran down his shoulder blades and around his chest as she nibbled gently on his lower lip. Grinding slowly against his lap.

"You want a kiss?" Erin moved her body with his, and grazed noses; teasing him.

"Mmhmm..."

Their lips moved closer and closer, agonising millimetre by agonising millimetre as she draw him into her mouth before kissing him hard and deep.

"Please, Er..."

He wanted to rush her, to push her hands aside and hurry the process but he knew half the fun was teasing one another, pushing each other to the limit until they both were frenzied with the need to climb that summit together.

She squealed and groaned loudly against his breath when he ran his fingertips up her thighs to her hips, convulsing in emphatic sensations.

Forget control, she've clearly already lost it. It wasn't the feel of waves crashing over her body that she was harbouring, she felt like she was drowning in a tsunami.

"Erin, please..." he begged. He couldn't take this sweet torture any longer.

"Wait..."

With all the cases they had on their plates for the past week and most night's that were spent at the District, they hadn't had sex in over a week, possibly two. It was a new record for them both. Their desperation to fill that void was screaming at them.

"I need you...oh shit fuuuuu..."

Shutting his eyes, he laid his head back against the couch, fingers curling into his palms uncontrollably as she continued to rock on his lap, spreading her thighs further apart.

"Oh god, Jay!" her moans filled the living room, edging closer to that familiar euphoria.

.

Opening her eyes, she cursed internally, pulling her hair as she does. It was just another sex dream. A recollection to be exact.

That was, if she could recall correctly, the last time they had sex. A new record of over seven months. Actually, it was the last time they had sex _together_. It was days, a week, before tragedy struck, before Carlos came into their lives and murdered every ounce of happiness they had and left them with a blanket of darkness.

Drenched in what was her own cold sweat, she wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, propping herself on her elbows on the couch as she caught her breath. It was still dark outside and the loud echoes of water pouring from the sky filled the apartment. Though she wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and finish that dream, she knows life isn't a blissful one.

This damn pregnancy hormones were in overdrive, driving her mental this past week. She've been insanely horny and she couldn't do anything about it. There's nothing she could do to stop it.

 _It's natural phenomenon._

She didn't even thought that it was possible for her to be sexually excited all day long up until yesterday where she found herself thinking about just that as she nonchalantly had a conversation with Voight.

 _Hank Voight! What a nightmare!_

It was also pure torture since every single time she thinks about sex, Carlos pops into her mind.

He've ruined sex for her. _Forever._

Before everything played out to what was her fate, she loves sex - not in the sex-crazed, sex addict kind of way - she enjoys it just as much as the next person. Now, can't help but feel nauseous right time she thinks about it. She don't think she can ever have sex again. It's just to painful to do so.

Maybe if she was drunk and stoned again, she probably could. But Jay deserves better than her getting belligerently incoherent just so that they could get down and dirty.

Not only was she the only one who have been craving sexual activity, Jay too. She knows he have been having a hard time, maybe even more difficult that her, as she've caught him on more than one occasion, moaning in his sleep. _A wet dream_. And every time, she'd run to the couch and never fall back to sleep. _Traumatised_. It's just utterly weird and awkward to listen to him groaning and moaning. She can only hope that it was her that he's fantasising about.

Maybe he fantasising about another woman wouldn't be such a bad idea since she knows she couldn't give him what he needed any time soon. She's a bad girlfriend. She knows she is. She's incompetent and useless. She can't even fulfil her duties as a girlfriend.

Swallowing hard, her hands immediately flew to her baby who was kicking up a storm like there was no tomorrow. "Ugh! You couldn't just let ma finish her dream, now could you?" she chuckled as she slowly sat up from the couch.

Erin loves her ever growing baby wholeheartedly but she resents the fact that every little kick was a constant reminder of _her_ father. A reminder of the horrific events of how _she_ actually got inside of her.

Erin spent most nights praying that _she_ would simmer down so that she could close her eyes and sleep without having a nightmare about Carlos. But for most nights, that never happened. It was as if _she_ was doing exactly like what _her_ father had done to her.

Gloating and taking pleasure in hurting and punishing her.

* * *

"Everyone gear up!"

Erin heard Voight barked from the bullpen and with that, she almost immediately jumped from her seat in the back room, ready to follow what she thought were her orders as well. Only remembering then that she's not on active duty any time soon.

Oh how she misses being in action since there definitely isn't, if not any, action, in the filing room. The only action she gets is when there's a clerical error and that doesn't even compare to the action in the field.

She ought to talk to Voight about coming back after she have _her_. She thinks she's ready.

Voight's head popped into the room, just as she sat back down, "Got a hostage situation at a high school. You ok being alone here? I can ask uniform to stay with you."

"I've been sitting alone in my apartment for the past six months, Hank. I'm sure I'll be fine all by myself for a couple of hours." she joked which didn't even emit a crackle off of Voight's stern expression.

"Erin."

"Sorry. Geez, calm down. I was just kidding. I'm ok. Now go, Hank. I'll be fine."

* * *

Her cries of sweet passion and ecstasy rang in his ears once again. He haven't stopped thinking about her ever since she had gotten away. God knows how much her needs her. Bunny wasn't home to keep him company and he already tended to his businesses, what's left of it to be exact. So he had plenty of time to kill.

Nursing the scotch in his hands, the thought of his sweetheart preoccupied him. Just like she does almost every hour of the day. May be even every second.

He misses her oh-so much.

 _Erin._

He wants to feel her.

He needs to be inside of her once again. He needs to hear the sexy raspy rumble of her voice as she moaned out his name, as she grunted in her own sweet release. He needs to feel her soft and smooth skin against his own.

He's desperate; he would do anything and everything to have her here with him again. But he knows he needs to wait just a little longer. He needs to control the urge to bring her back to where she belongs and that place was with him.

She belongs to him.

 _What's waiting two months for her when he'll eventually have her for eternity?_

Once their baby makes his or her presence into this world, the three of them will live a happy life like a perfect family should.

A family with red roses and white picket fence. The all-American family.

And unlike the miserable life she's currently living with that blind bastard, she wouldn't have to worry a wink or make any sacrifices when she's with him.

He knows she's unhappy with that Jay fellow, he can see it in her eyes. He knows her. She isn't happy right now but she will be soon when she's with him.

 _She loves him._

Just like she had proven her love for him on that hot, steamy Colombian night. It was the night that she didn't know any better and thought that she wanted to leave.

 _What a mistake!_

But it all turned well for the both of them since it was a night of endless games that he knows she enjoyed.

Initially, he had thought sleeping with the mother of his love would be the same but boy was he wrong.

The old hag, Bunny, can't even be compared to the beautiful flower that is his sweetheart, Erin.

"We will meet again, sweetheart."

He relished every second he had spent with her.

.

 _She wasn't crying anymore. He had noticed that she stopped with the pleading and the tears hours ago. And instead a stink eye was at his presence. A look of distaste and repulsion. She was peering at him like he had just hurt her or something, violated her even. He'd never do such a thing to her. He would never do something she didn't ask for._

Never _._

 _But currently he isn't too fond of the look she was giving him. She still isn't loyal to him, she hasn't leaned her lesson and the only way to make her understand quicker was for him to break her. To break her toughened interior._

 _"Don't move." he whispered into her ears, giving her a sloppy snog before walking to his closet at the end of the bedroom._

 _As he rummaged through his things, looking for what he needed, he can hear her tugging and struggling with her restraint._

Dios mio! She still doesn't get it.

 _"Haha! Here it is!" Now that he got what he needed, he hurried to his awaiting maiden and plopped onto the bed next to her._

 _She stared at him and he can see that she was in the brink of a breakdown. Her nostrils were flaring and lower lip quivered. But there it was again, her eyes, and through her vulnerability, the stink eye that he hates so much was still painted in her beautiful green irises._

 _Her judgment was clouded about him in what she thought he was doing to her._

 _"What game shall we play next, sweetheart? I'll even let you chose." he said playfully as he reached out to caressed her damp cheek but quickly she jerked her head away before he could even touch her._

It's ok _, he told himself. He wasn't about to let her nasty attitude ruin the fun._

 _"You know what, little miss attitude? I change my mind. I get to chose the game now. We're playing a game that I like to call 'Where's my pistol?'...Oh! C'mon, Erin! Don't look so scared! You'll love it!" he said as he trailed the pistol up her leg._

 _She was frozen and he smiled. Her eyes were only locked on the pistol that was in his control._

 _"Stop! What are you doing? Don't! No! No! No!"_

 _She was screaming and crying and shaking uncontrollably as the gun rose higher and higher to the sweet spot in between her legs._

 _He really doesn't know why she was screaming, they were just playing a game._

 _"Don't move. You really don't want me to pull the trigger, Erin." he laughed as he grabbed her by the waist, licking the specks of blood on her lips before claiming her in a hard kiss._

Her delicious lips.

 _As granted she didn't move, not even a flinch. He wasn't too sure whether she was even breathing._

 _"_ _¡_ _Dios! ¡Tu eres hermosa!"_

.

That night, he successfully broke her. That stink eye that irritated him was no longer in the depths of her soul.

 _He finally got her to understand._

He's getting aroused by just thinking about her. Erin. She screamed his name about five dozen times that night, dug her fingernails into his flesh, kissed him, they made love.

 _It was love, definitely love._

"You're mine, sweetheart, and no one else's."

He was never going to hurt her.

That night, she was deathly afraid that he would pull the trigger, and he understood her reasoning, but he wasn't ever going to.

 _Why would he destroy his prized possession?_

Besides the gun wasn't even loaded.

* * *

Just as Walter Gibbons, the victim's father, had said Peter McAllister was a lowlife, good-for-nothing scumbag. The rap sheet he currently has was as long a novel with mostly drug possession priors and assaults. The last was a domestic call in which the victim, Diane, chose not to press any charges.

 _Of course she didn't._

If she had pursued for justice, she probably and may very well still be alive today. She would've become a teacher like she had planned out to be. It was the sad truth but Diane Gibbons have had ruined her life by falling in love with a bad boy.

Ruzek had matched his mug shot to the footage they got from the traffic cams of him driving off Rogers Park around the time of the murder. Giving them proof that he could be the killer.

"Lansing, Ruzek, head over to Mrs. McAllister's. See if she knows where her son is."

Erin knows she shouldn't be listening in on their investigation but it's hard not to do so. She's a detective. She can't just be at the precinct and not get curious. She's bound to eavesdrop.

 _It's inevitable._

Right now as she was heading back to the filing room, taking a long sip of her juice, she looked at the blue box Bunny had gifted her.

Throughout her entire thirty four years of life, Erin can honestly only recall a handful of times her mother had gotten her a present. Maybe it was when Bunny hadn't screwed up. She honestly can't say.

But to gift her unborn granddaughter and possibly only grandchild was a surprise to Erin. She wasn't expecting anything from her mother and definitely not a $325 fork and spoon baby set in sterling silver.

 _She didn't even know people will buy something that seems so impractical._

She had reluctantly agreed to meet with her mother for lunch in the hopes of making it their last since the drama that is Bunny was migraine she can't handle anymore.

This afternoon wasn't only a pointless encounter, it too drained the life out of her. She's exhausted already and it's barely with three in the afternoon.

The only thing Bunny could rave about was her god of a rich boyfriend. Her mother couldn't even take a second to ask how she was or give her a complement or two.

 _A lawyer? A businessman?_

She can't remember what Bunny had said his occupation was. Her mother dove straight into basking her glory and money right in Erin's face as she ever so subtly reminded her of what her life had now reduced to.

 _She hates her mother._

Loathes her even.

Majority of the time, Erin couldn't even care less to listen. She don't even know the guy's name.

With a huff, she threw the Tiffany blue box into the trash. She didn't want anything that was from her mother and her new boyfriend. It was the one box and the one colour that she no longer want to look at. It reminded her too much of Carlos and what he did to her that night.

It might be the janitor's lucky day if he happens to stumble upon it later.

As she headed back to her duty at the back room, she can hear a silent chatter that was going on in Voight's office. A loud whisper between Antonio and Hank and she swore she heard her name amidst the hushed tone. She was damn certain that they were talking about her.

 _"I really don't think Lindsay should be here. I'm worried about her. She gets this distant look in her eyes like she's 12 thousand miles away. She's still vulnerable but she's trying too hard to be ok. Don't you see that, Sarge? You and Jay might think this is a good idea but I'm afraid being exposed to the kind of cases we get called to would do a number to her psyche. Might make her even worse."_

 _"I see your concern for Lindsay, Dawson, I'm concerned too but she's seeing Dr. Charles, and he says she's doing just fine. She's not in the field, she's not involved in any cases. So I don't see the harm in her being here."_

 _"You really think she can't hear us?"_

 _"I'm keeping an eye on her. I want to see it for myself that she's safe. I can finally breathe better now that I really know she isn't in any danger. Besides this was all Jay's idea."_

Jay's idea?

She was the one who had called Voight and asked it she could help out at the District.

 _"I thought Erin was the one who talked to you?"_

 _"I only agreed to it cuz Jay had already talked to me about it. He doesn't want her to be all alone at the apartment."_

So the sole reason for Voight agreeing was so that she could be babysat, to be watched?

They've been talking about her. All of them. They have all been talking about her behind her back like she was some sort of exhibit.

 _Jay?_

 _When?_

They think she's out of her mind.

She don't see how he even got the chance to gossip behind her back with the guys when they've practically been glued to the hip almost every second of the day.

Her brain almost felt as if it were to explode at any given moment. It was throbbing harshly against her skull. Her frailty threatened for an audience.

The four walls surrounding her were closing in on her, suffocating her.

 _Why would they do this to her?_

She actually thought she was doing so well this past week. Voight was finally pleased with her. Or so she thought he was. She stupidly thought she was ok.

They don't care about her. If they did, they wouldn't be talking about her without her knowing.

Taking in a huge gulp of air, she suddenly couldn't get the air she needed into her lungs to breath. A wheezing sound emitter and she knows Olinsky and Atwater were watching her intently.

"No, no, no!" she scream inside, in her head. She can't do this right now. Not in the station. Not in the bullpen. Not with people around. Not with an audience to watch her crumble into a billion pieces. She'd prefer to have a panic attack alone, in the confines of her apartment.

 _Erin! It's ok. It's ok. Just calm down._

She dug her nails into her palms, clenching every tissue in her muscles with extreme force until they stung. Her stomach churned unpleasantly, almost spilling her lunch right then and there in the middle of the bullpen.

"You ok, Lindsay?"

"I gotta go." she power walked to the stairs, turning towards Atwater before quickly descending down the steps.

She knows he didn't miss the tears that were in her eyes and the obvious fact that she had a difficult time breathing.

He was saying something to her but she could barely even hear any of it nor can she see anything through the blanket of tears. Not even the steps as she raced down them. But she has to pretend, she has to keep it together until she's alone.

Bursting into the bathroom, she was grateful for it to be empty and she ran into the nearest stall.

"Oh no!" she cried.

Sweating and shaking, her tongue doubled in size, choking her. She still can't breath. It's worse now. Her mouth was so dry, so coarse that she wondered how it was possible for her salivary glands to seize to perform it's sole purpose so quickly.

Her heart was jackhammering out of her chest, she feared that she was having a heart attack.

"I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok.."

She has to get herself to calm down. She has to do it for her baby at the very least. A stressed mother is a stressed baby and no ideal outcome could come of that.

Pulling up the toilet seat, she heaved into the toilet. Vomiting the grilled cheese sandwich she had for lunch only hours before.

"I'm so sorry." she sobbed. She has no idea what or who she was apologising to. Sinking to the tiled floor, she huddle into a corner with he arms wrapped around her knees. Though she knows what she was doing may probably be one of the filthiest things she could ever get herself to do, she just didn't have the energy to support her legs to stand.

"I'm sorry." she cried harder, clamping her hands over her ears as she desperately tried to stop get her baby to relax. And just like that she was once again reminded of her father.

 _Carlos_

 _Why was she always thinking about him?_

It's exhausting.

He's exhausting, he drains the life out of her.

Her baby kicked harder when her mind went to reminisce about him in a way that disgusts her. All those times he raped her was playing in her hand again.

"He's never going to hurt you baby. I'll keep you safe. I promise. Hank won't let anything happen to us." she whispered through tears, rubbing her protruding belly.

But that didn't seem to reassure _her_.

She can feel him, on her and in her once again. The sex. His lip and body. His skin and his tattoos. His sweat and his cologne.

Taking a shallow breath, she heard a bunch of female officers laughing and talking loudly about a collar as they entered the bathroom. Gasping, she pressed her palms firmly against her mouth and she clamped her teeth into her skin while trying her absolute best to stay in pin drop silence.

No one can ever know that she's having a panic attack. Voight will definitely throw her into a psych ward if he finds out.

* * *

"So, where'd you transfer from?" Adam asked Lansing as they headed for Mrs. McAllister's, the suspect's mother's place of residence.

She steadied her gaze at him and arched her brow, "Sarge finally gave you the green light to talk to me, huh?"

"Don't know what you're talking about, Lansing" he chimed, trying hard not to laugh.

 _Who was he kidding?_

Almost everyone at the District knows that he's 'banned' from interacting with any and all female officers.

"C'mon. What does he expect? He put me with you tonight and we don't talk? We wouldn't be doing our jobs right, now would we, Lansing?"

Grinning, "I guess we wouldn't." she admitted with a giggle at the end.

Adam smirked, amused by the way her nose scrunched up.

"So?"

"So..." she reiterated, "I spent two years with the CPD's Joint Bank Robbery Task Force until it was disbanded. Before that, I was in Major Accidents for four years and before that I spent three years as a beat cop before making detective in Major Accidents."

He had to suppress a laughter at that.

"What's so funny?"

"That's like a fancy term for Highway Patrol."

"Oh shut up, Ruzek." she smacked him hard in the arm before racing up the few steps to Mrs. McAllister's house.

It was the only detective opening at that time and she needed a change.

"Chicago P.D., open up." she said, knocking on the door and rolled her eyes at her partner, shaking her head. She can't believe she had actually thought he was a decent person.

Momentarily after, a middle aged woman scrawling at them opened the front door with the screen door still closed.

"What do you want?"

Lansing flashed her badge, "CPD, we're hoping to ask you a few questions about your son. We're not looking for any trouble."

"Good. I don't like trouble."

She smiled sweetly, "Me too. Can we come in and talk?"

"Hey! Hey! What ya looking at?!" the mother shouted at Ruzek as he peered out the back of the porch.

Shaking his head, that was when he saw Peter sneaking out the back of the house. The locked eyes for a split second before the world started spinning again.

"Lansing! Call it in! He's getting away!" Adam instructed before running after the guy who had stabbed his own girlfriend to death.

"2-1 detectives to central, we're in pursuit of a suspect, heading south on 59th, requesting backup."

* * *

It was a silent ride back to the apartment and after another long day without Erin, Jay just wanted to talk, to express his new-found knowledge on Braille and positivity - something he thought Erin truly needs. But it didn't seem like she gave any care as to what he was raving about since she hardly said a word in response. Just a mumble here and there ever so often.

The vibe she was giving out wasn't one that he particularly enjoyed. Her hostility and animosity towards god knows what was sucking the happiness right out of him. Up until this moment, he was actually having a pleasant day. So he took a deep breath, reminding himself to breathe, reminding himself to be grateful for the support he has and stay calm. He is grateful that she's taking care of him, that she's spending a whole chunk of her time assisting him on a daily basis. It's a blessing to have someone who doesn't sees you as a burden, who'll stay by your side both in sickness and in health and that was what Erin's doing.

 _He's grateful for her._

 _'Patience is the ability to suppress annoyance.'_ is one virtue he stays true to heart, especially now that he's visually impaired.

On many occasions, much like today, his patiences have been tried. The visual aspect of of reading a situation was impossible for him and he needs to see to understand what's going on. As a detective, it's his job to assess just that.

He's frustrated because Erin is making everything oh-so difficult. But he knows not to let petty nuisance ruin a perfectly nice day. This isn't a catastrophe. Complaining and getting angry at himself and at her will not help solve anything and will only be detrimental in the long run.

"Are you ok? You haven't said a word."

He thinks she's mad at him and he has absolutely no clue why.

 _Why don't you ask Antonio?_

She bit her tongue, hard, controlling herself from spitting that venom out since she's definitely not in the right mood or mindset to be picking a fight with him tonight.

"Nothing. Can we just drive in silence?"

He nodded. He doesn't want to fight with her.

* * *

Sprinting down the street, he was too worked up in the confines of his own head that he didn't even realise a gunshot had resonated until it shattered into a window of a parked car right next to him.

"Police! Stop!"

He can see people peering out of their windows, stupidly opening their doors to watch the thrilling chase.

"Hey kid! Get back inside!" he shouted when a boy, who looked no more than seven, walked out his porch with a look of amazement plastered on his face.

"Stop!"

As Peter turned a corner towards an abandoned parking lot, Adam saw his chance and lunged at him.

The two men wrestled, scrambling to get on their feet. Struggling to not back down, proving ones manhood.

Peter landed a punch to Adam's jaw, stunning him, before slamming his back against the ground and punching him in the kidneys. Completely winding him.

"Hey! Hey! Stop!" Adam heard Lansing cried as she ran up to the brawl. The clip of her gun echoed, indicating that she had drawn up her Glock. "I said stop!" she shouted again before literally pulling Peter off of him.

"I don't get orders from cunts like you!"

"What'd you just call her?"  
Enraged by his choice of word, Adam charged at him yet again, knocking Peter on his ass. "Say it! Say it again! I dare you!" he seethed.

He wants to have a reason to beat the life out of Peter.

A smug slowly etched on Peter's face. "Cunt."

Adam squeezed his fingers around his throat, his iron grip was crushing his windpipe. Peter frantically grasped Adam's wrists as he attempted to free himself from the metal that was seizing his air supply.

Backup doesn't seem to be coming any time soon and that, itself, was freaking her out.

"Ruzek!" Lansing yelled, "That's enough!" She knows if she doesn't stop him right now, Adam may very well kill him.

She was surprised to see this side of him. Then again, she just started working with him.

"Adam!"

With his blazing eyes, he looked up at his partner who was calling out at him to stop. _He couldn't_. He couldn't get himself to stop. Not when _she_ was standing right in front of him.

"Kim."

* * *

Jay heed carefully and quietly, seemingly studying her - blindly - as she rummaged through her pursue, cursing while looking for the apartment keys. He stayed quiet, not wanting to add fuel to the already ignited fire.

She's pissed off. She's pregnant. She's hormonal. He understands. He's been in this position one too many times to know what not to do. But one can only take so much of her erratic behaviour. He's not perfect. He too gets fed up at times.

 _Patience is a virtue._

"Thank goodness!" she exclaimed before finally opening the door. With his hand still resting on her shoulder as a guidance, he followed suit, entering their humble abode.

He listened to the slamming of the front door, to all the clicks of all the bolt locks, to the cling as she dropped her keys into the bowl that was on a table by the door before making his way to the sofa in the living room.

"I'll be in my room." she said quickly as she retreated to her desired destination. Without giving Jay as much of a second to respond.

Feeling frustrated and endlessly confused, he viciously ran his hands over his face. Thinking back to this morning and the ride back home, he don't think he've said or done anything for her to be this angry at him. No, he's sure he haven't done anything wrong.

"Er?" he called out as he tapped his white cane from side to side. Using that as his eyes.

She didn't say anything but he can hear her, shuffling about.

He counted twelve steps before reaching to what he presumes and hopes was the bedroom. Feeling for the doorknob, he twisted it. Muttering a silent thanks for it to be open.

"Er?"

"What, Jay?" she huffed, throwing her pyjamas that she had just gotten out of the closet, onto the bed.

She walked towards him before settling a shoulder away. A long sigh escaped her.

Her tone. She's irritated and he is too.

"Is everything ok?" Jay wondered, his shoulders slightly hunched, his voice smooth and quiet.

Their eyes locked briefly before she looked away with a shake of her head. In the silence, she's reminded that he cannot actually see her.

She shrugged, her voice was low and quiet, enunciating each word purposefully. "Why don't you ask Antonio? You seem to be talking to him a lot." Erin explained, a condescending tone in her voice that she didn't intend to have.

Sealing her lips shut, cursing to herself, she knew she shouldn't have said that. She should've just kept her mouth shut and walk away.

 _Like she always does._

Biting her tongue, she had to physically stop herself there. There's more that she wants to say but can't bring herself to express.

Jay felt as though something snapped inside of him. _He's tired._ He's tired of not seeing. He's tired of not being aware. He's tired of her behaviour. He's tired of her secrecy. He's tired of her. He's just tired of being tired in general.

 _He has given up._

He furrowed his eyebrows, scratching his stubble. "What are you talking about?"

Jay can't hide his annoyance anymore.

"I didn't say that. I didn't, I mean - " Upon discovering her words were failing her, she quickly realised that she've gone too far this time. He's mad. He's angry at her. She ought to recover from this. _Quick._

"Oh, yes you did. What is it?"

"Nothing, Jay. Ok? I'm good." she said in her calmest of voices before attempting to walk away.

"Erin!" he growled, "No!" he can sense her walking away again.

 _Like she always does._

He can't let her to that anymore so he attempted to grab her arm and successfully did. He spun her to face him, "No, Erin! You don't get to walk away anymore!"

She froze. Her bare feet glued to carpeted floor as she gleamed into his now cold and icy blue irises. No longer were they warm as she had remembered.

He's yelling at her. _Yelling_. She don't think he've ever yelled at her.

He's mad.

 _He's mad at her._

He's tired.

 _He's tired of her._

Realizing the level of his temper, he stepped back to compose himself, to contain his anger. He's tired of feeling defeated all the damn time. He doesn't want to fight with her.

She have been walking away from every single one of their arguments since the rape and every single time, he let her, he allowed her to pretend like nothing had ever happened. He allowed her to shower and come back a different Erin because, to him, the 'enhanced version' was way easier to handle and deal with. It was a breeze to ignore and pretend. He had learned that from her, the expert, the master. It was all they've ever done.

 _Ignore and pretend_

But not this time. They will be talking about whatever it was that's bothering her. The night isn't going to end unless they do.

"Er, what's wrong? Just tell me. Please." he begged as he let go of the grip he had on her arm.

He's confused. She's not making it anything easy for a blind man like him. He's still getting used to not being able to see.

Tonight was the first time he had actually lost his temper with her. Throughout the course of their relationship, he has never, not once, raised his voice at her. Not in this way. She's more stuck on that fact than anything really. That he's going to leave her.

He has been so patient with her. This was her fault. She never should've opened her mouth.

Realistically, Erin should have known better. Things can only run smoothly for so long and they were going somewhat smoothly with occasional bumps here and there.

 _What relationship has no ups and downs?_

In her entire life, Erin couldn't recall ever being so happy. Jay checked every box in her list of a Mr. Perfect. Even the ones she didn't know existed. And just like every relationship she ever had with anyone - her parents, her brother, her friends, boyfriends - the bottom line was that everyone leaves.

And Jay's no different.

 _He's going to leave her. Tonight._

Panic build up from the pit of her stomach, she has to make him stay. She has to say something to change his mind. She can't do this without him. She can't live without him.

 _She needs him._

And with her wavering voice, she tried to find the right words to make him stay. "Nothing, Jay. Please listen. I'm ok. I'm sorry. We're ok. We're ok. I promise. Just...Jay..." she choked through her tears. Caressed his cheek with her thumb as she gently moved her fingers around the back of his neck. Her breathing hitched, her vision clouded with all the impending tears.

 _Ok?_

 _Who was she trying to convince?_

He can hear her crying and her body quiver a little with every sob. It breaks his heart. He did this; he made her cry. He hates it when she cries. He feels guilty for what he have done to her. Maybe he should've let it go and let her do what's best for them. He never wanted that outcome.

 _He feels helpless_.

"You son of a bitch!" Adam's eyes were narrowed, wide and red with rage. His hands still held firmly on Peter's neck.

"You killed her!" he growled through clenched teeth, "You killed her! You killed my _Kim_!"

 _What the hell is he yelling about?!_

He's possessed.

He's incoherent.

He's talking gibberish.

"Ruzek, that's enough!"

Initially, Lansing had thought slapping Peter around for a little while would scare the confession out of him, but this, a delusional and unstoppable Adam, wasn't what she had in mind.

"Adam, stop!" she grabbed onto his right arm and tried to wrench it away, "C'mon! You're gonna kill him!" she pleaded.

 _Murdering a suspect_

Not only would Adam be in grave trouble, she would too. She doesn't want to get involved in that. She doesn't want to be the centre of bad attention. But by judging his sheer madness, murder would be the only result if he doesn't stop squeezing Peter's throat.

She finally had a permanent position at a Unit and she very much wants it stay that way in the long run.

Grasping on Adam's other arm, she attempted to tug it but he flew his arms backwards, knocking her off balance as she landed on her back.

 _Where's backup when you actually need them?_

She grunted in pain on impact. Her forearm scraped with the loose gravel.

"2-1 detectives to central, where's the freakin' backup?" she shouted into her radio.

No one can ever be a match for a clearly deranged Adam. She really don't think backup could actually do something.

She doesn't want the inevitable to happen but deep down, she knows that's the only outcome tonight.

* * *

Jay pressed his palm hard against his forehead. She doesn't get it. She might as well never get it since she has practically succeeded in convincing herself that whatever was really happening to their relationship wasn't actually happening.

Their relationship was nowhere near okay. It was without doubt not fine. The word dysfunctional doesn't even come close to describing their rocky affinity.

 _He loves her._

His love for her is undeniable and nothing can ever change that.

Them, being together, being a couple only seemed to be tearing them further apart. With every passing day that they continued to pretend, they're making it worse by pouring salt into a freshly open wound; they're hurting each other.

 _She's crying even harder. He can't stand it when she cries._

He don't know if they'll ever even be okay but he wants them to be. He wants them to go back to normal. To the loving couple that tells each other anything, that actually talked to each other and communicated, but that couple was long gone.

 _He knows that._

That couple no longer exists.

"No, we're not!" he pulled away and he swore he heard her whimper.

"Er, we're not ok." he said, motioning between them, "We haven't been...Not in a long time...and I'm tired. I'm so damn tired."

 _He's going to leave._

She shook her head adamantly, sure to defend herself. "We're fine, Jay. Really." she whispered in between sobs. A whisper so quiet, he barely even heard her.

 _He snickered._

She's not only pretending, she's in denial too.

"Er, I'm sick and tired of always walking on eggshells around you! I'm fucking tired of pretending, ok? Pretending that we're fine, pretending that we're happy when we're clearly not! We're not fine! We're not happy! Not me! And definitely not you! Don't you get it?!"

 _Why doesn't she understand that?_

Just last week, just when he thought she was starting to open up, she shut back down just as quickly. Just when he thought they had a chance to be _'great'_ again, she changed her mind in a snap of a finger.

Taking a deep breath to calm the beast inside, he forced himself to listen to her cries. He thinks he might be scaring her. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore but somehow, he just couldn't stop himself.  
"You don't talk to me. You don't trust me. You're scared of me. You think I'm gonna hurt you. Er, I'm not. Believe me, I'm never gonna lay a finger on you. I just want you to tell me whatever it is...just tell me."

Her eyes well up with tears. She's not sure if she should tell him anything tonight. Tonight isn't the right time.

 _When is?_

She's stalling.

"Jay..." she breathed out, as if she had been punched in the gut. "Why would I be scared of you?" she asked hoarsely, a breath caught in her throat. His accusation pained her deeply.

 _She don't think she's scared of him._

Jay shrugged. The loose material of his tee fell over his shoulders as he does. "I don't know. You tell me." he said. His tone, smooth, barely even.

With her fingers messing around in her hair, Erin felt like her world was crumbling right before her. Nothing was working. All her efforts were in vain. Her words, her pleas aren't in her favour tonight.

"Please."

She hung her head in defeat. This was her fault and she has no one else to blame but herself. She've pushed him away. Far, far away. She should've known that everyone has their limits and this was his. He has had enough of her.

 _He's going to leave._

They always do.

* * *

As Adam momentarily loosen his grip on Peter, he took the brazen opportunity to wrench his fists upwards, landing a punch to his nose. In response to the hit, Adam's body jerked backwards. Blood gushing from his nose. He shook his head as he tried to shake the stun out of his eyes.

He was a ticking time bomb. His actions were unpredictable. It's only a matter of time before something truly unfavourable will be the outcome of this battle.

Lansing grabbed Adam before he was able to lunge back at Peter. Pulling him to his feet in an attempt to restrain him.

Knowing that it wasn't the brightest of ideas, she just didn't know what to do. She've put a rush on that backup but somehow they decided not to come on time tonight.

Considering the fact that Adam has gone apeshit and even though she could very well take care of herself, he just isn't a force to be reckoned with tonight.

This was a part of him that was scaring her.

"Get off me, Lansing! I don't wanna hurt you!"

"Adam! You gotta stop!" she let go and quickly draw her weapon in one swift motion.

"HE KILLED KIM!"

"What are you talking about?"

She've heard gossips from the other officers and detectives in the District that the fallen officer who was brutally murdered about two months ago was apparently Adam's ex-fiancé.

 _Kim_

"She deserved it! She's nothing but a lying, cheating whore!" Peter spat. The words fell off his lips like a deadly venom.

Adam lunged towards him again, his fists slamming into his face. Fists after fists. Peter fell backwards as he attempted to claw at Adam's face but failed miserably when Adam jumped on top of him and begun pummelling him; hitting, slamming him anywhere he could.

Tears of anger and pain blurred his eyes as he beat him mercilessly. The wrath of gods let loose, red was all he saw. Other than Peter's bones crushing beneath his fists, which only seem to further fuel his anger, Adam was unaware of anything else.

Not even as Lansing attempted to restrain him by the neck. Not even when he jerked his arm forward, roughly shoving her away. Not even as her shoulder landed with a loud thump on the curb in front of them. Not even as she cried out at the searing pain.

* * *

"I don't even know if you love me anymore!" he shouted, throwing his hands in the air; exasperated. Suddenly feeling his tears burning the back of his blinded sockets.

The pain of that statement were steadily sliding down his cheeks and he wiped them with the back of his hands as he turned his face away from her, facing wherever and whatever. He doesn't want her to see him cry. Not now. Not today.

For months as he expressed his love for her, she never really reciprocate the words back to him. He can't remember the last time Erin had said that she loves him. _He can't._ Months after months, days after days, she've only ever given him reason to doubt her feelings for him.

He kept telling himself, convincing himself that she didn't need to say it to know that she loves him, that it was just mere words. Anyone could say it. But sometime, hearing those words is exactly what he needs.

 _Was saying 'I love you' so hard to requite?_

 _She've hurt him._

Though Erin wanted so desperately to say something, she couldn't. She somehow couldn't construct a simple sentence. Her words were lost, swarming in all directions in her head.

 _She've hurt him so badly._

In tears, she regretted not allowing herself to say those simple words back. She loves him, so so deeply, but she's not worthy of a great man like him. She didn't think not saying it back would have such an affect on him, that he would actually believe that she doesn't.

"I do." she whispered, desperately grabbing his face with both of her hands to only be met with his streaks of tears underneath her palms. "Of course I do, Jay."

 _She loves him._

She needs him to look her in the eyes so he could see what he was yearning for, so he could know exactly how much she loves him. She's begging Jay to search her love for him in her eyes. "Please. I do."

The only problem was that he's blind.

 _He can't see._

"I do. I do..." she cried, stroking his stubbled cheek while repeating those words like a broken record. "I do."

"No..." he shook his head, "I...don't know if you do..."

 _She does._

Her hands were shaking so terribly despite the fact that over the past five minutes, she have tried to stop them from doing just that. Biting her tongue, she took in a wheezy breath.

 _She've ruined them._

She loves him. She needs him to believe that.

"Er..." he sighed, placing his hands over her quivering ones, that were on his cheeks, and pulled her into his arms.

He's dumbfounded, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do but he knows, he doesn't want to fight with her anymore. He doesn't want her to cry anymore. He doesn't want to be the reason for her tears.

"I do." she mouthed into his chest. Kissing him there.

She wants to tell him, she knows she should but she doesn't want him to leave. She knows she won't be able to handle life without him. He's her rock. He's what's really keeping her afloat.

Finding herself crushed against his strong chest, she can feel the quickening beat of his heart. Her own matched, fluttering frantically like a captured bird.

Being so close to him, she remembered what it was like to be loved by Jay and how amazing he was, it was. It's been too long since she've actually felt him.

 _She's craving him._

"Please baby..." she smoothed away the soft hair from his face, watching as his tears followed. Her fingers traced the delicate trickles and she cupped his rough cheeks in the palms of her hands once again, allowing her thumb to caress his trembling lips.

"Er..."

His desperation matched hers. His stormy eyes were only inches away, the warmth of his breath brushed lightly against the surface of her skin.

 _God! She missed him_.

She searched his eyes. _Vulnerability_. So much vulnerability in his soul. Vulnerability that was her doing, that was her fault. Vulnerability that her heart ached for him.

She needed him to know that.

His eyes darkened. Gone were the silver strands of ice that had frightened her before. In place, were now the deep, velvet blues of an evening sky.

If only he could see the love she has for him.

If only he could look into her forest greens eyes, any doubts he had will miraculously fade away.

"I need you, Jay..." she breathed into his mouth before kissing him wild with so much despair and need, as a flood of sensuous covet began to drain her resistance.

* * *

Adam grabbed Peter by the neck again, he didn't miss a chance on pouncing his bloody face before slamming his head forcefully against the cold concrete ground. At that instant, everything surrounding him seized to exist.

 _Not even him_.

Lansing was watching in sheer horror as her partner lifted his arm over a dozen times, bashing Peter's skull over and over again onto the pavement until he stopped twitching, until he became still.

A little too still for her liking.

Peter's eyes stayed wide open while warm liquid and brain matter gushed out from the back of his head. Adam looked down at his motionless body and it was then as he felt his hand warm up with the red liquid that he suddenly was aware of what he had done.

 _He just killed a man._

Peter's not the only a deadman now.

He too is.

For a second rendering off reality, it was as if he had stepped out of his body and was watching the scene right before him.

"No. No. What did you do?" she shouted.

Blood was seeping from beneath Peter's head, turning the already dark ground even darker. Lansing was clutching onto her right arm as she looked at him agape, fear ridden in her eyes.

 _She's scared of him._

"He's gone." she said a moment later, after checking for a pulse.

Adam slumped backwards burying his face into his blood covered hands.

Voight had given him chances after chances and this particular one was his last. He's going to lose his job in Intelligence. But Voight and losing his job shouldn't even be his main concern at the moment. He should be worried about the brass. Internal Affairs are never going to see this through.

 _Prison is no place for a cop._

He can hear sirens in a distance. Backup's finally here. He can hear Lansing cursing and pacing back and forth in frustration as she frisked the now corpse.

All he could think of was Kim. He did this for her. To bring justice to her murder but the only problem was that he had killed the wrong man.

"Ruzek." she said, crouching in front of him.

He can't look at her. He's in shock. He's too ashamed.

"Hey. Hey. Look at me." she snapped her fingers in his face, "We might have a minute, a minute and a half, tops. So, we need to get our stories straight, ok?"

Though she've just known him, though she've just started at the Intelligence Unit, she knows that they are to be trusted. _He can be trusted._ She knows if it was her in his position, he wouldn't think twice in helping her out. It was just a momentarily lapse of judgement. Everyone makes mistakes. _Right?_ And beside Peter did deserved to die. He stabbed his girlfriend in cold blood.

He slowly looked up at her, his head shaking. He can't allow her to lie for him. Secrets are never meant to be kept. Sooner or later, it will be revealed and they both will be in tremendous trouble. "What story? We need to tell the truth."

"The truth? The truth isn't your friend today, Ruzek!" she grunted. Her shoulder from where she had landed when Adam shoved her was on fire. She can't move it. She knows she've dislocated her shoulder. "You killed him! That's the truth! He wasn't armed. He had no weapons on him. He was acting on self-defence cuz you attacked him. You want me to say that to Voight! The press is going to paint you a monster! Calling it police brutality! IA's going to open an investigation on you, take your shield, take your gun, take your career away, and with whatever's on your file, it's child's play for them. They're going to haul your ass to prison. And you know how it's like for us, cops, behind bars. You won't make it. You won't make it, Adam."

He got up, shaking stars from his eyes, "No. He was shooting at me. He was running away. What do you want me to do?" he shouted.

Narrowing her brows, there must be something really wrong with him. She didn't hear any gunshots as they were chasing after Peter. He didn't have a gun on.

But she had shove that aside, they had to figure something out.

"Not bash his head into the ground five dozen times. There are other ways to collar him, you know?"

 _What have he done?_

* * *

As she moved her mouth to cover his completely, Jay continued to hold still for a moment. Dishevelled, his mind must be playing tricks on him. Erin was kissing him so harsh and wild, he wasn't sure what to do.

 _Should he kiss her back?_

He don't know.

She slipped her hands around to the back of his neck. Carnal beat all reasoning and for a split lapse in judgment, he leaned forward and pressed his lips harder against hers.

She moaned against his lips, shifting more into him so she could press her chest against his.

He has to stop this.

 _She's not ready._

"Er..." he murmured her name softly and reluctantly turned his head away, away from whatever she was doing to his mouth, to his body, away from the magic that is her lips.

"Stop..."

But she was determined, she was on a mission. So, she nibbled on his ear when he pulled away. Quickly grabbing him, she kissed down along his neck.

 _He likes that._

She knows he does.

She needs him to know how much she loves him. She'll show him.

"I do, Jay. I do." she mumbled in between kisses and took his face in her hands.

He's searching for her, for her eyes, for her face, she's glad he can't see her. It's good. He won't be able to see the terror that's in her eyes.

There were tears. A river of them. All hers. She was in no condition to be doing whatever she had just started. But she has to.

 _He can't leave her._

In her frail mind, sex seemed to be the only answer. The only way for him to stay and not leave. No men can ever turn down sex.

She knows they can't.

 _Sex sells._

Anxiety was fomenting deep inside her once again. She has to be ready. She can't back down again. She can practically feel the tightness in his jeans.

He wants this. She thinks she wants this too.

This was her last and only chance in proving her love for Jay. He needs to know she's ready.

 _She loves him._

She loves him with every fibre in her being.

Erin arched closer towards him, whispering his name as she slid her hands down his chiselled back, past the waistband of his jeans.

Jay almost swore at her touch. Both, astonished and disgusted by what it felt like to have Erin touch him again.

He can't do this to her. She's traumatised enough with what Carlos did to her. Even though she insisted she was ready, she clearly wasn't.

Sex wasn't what they needed. Guilt would only be the resulting outcome. Sex isn't the answer and sex wouldn't satisfy what they really needed. And that was to communicate, to talk, a long overdue one at that. They've just been pushing everything and each other away which only continued to drive their relationship into a deep and dark hole.

But it's been so long since she had touch him like this. It's been months since he felt the amazing sensation of Erin wanting to touch him.

He doesn't want to deepen this any further but his body was a whole other story. A story that's easy to translate. He was reacting to impulse.

 _He's craving her._

She was doing something to him and the only thing he could do in response was gasp. Though he so desperately wanted to feel her slick and smooth skin on his fingertips, he knows he couldn't.

So he dare not touch her.

Her tongue swirled along his throat, up and down his chin as Jay kept his hand at his sides. His fingers fisting involuntarily as he tried to control the agonising urges to feel her.

He opened his mouth under hers and she whispered against his lips, "Jay, please touch me." she lifted his limp hands that were by his sides, trembling, and rested them on her hips. She pressed her body harder against him, her tongue caressing against his lower lip.

 _He's shaking._

 _She's shaking._

They both were trembling.

 _She's ready._

She too needed him. She needed to feel him on her in any way possible. Even the slightest.

 _Damn hormones._

They were driving her insane.

Gently like the delicate ruby rose that she is, he snaked his hands around to grab her sides, sliding all along her back and ribcage before moving his hands into her hair, clenching tightly.

She still haven't said those three little words.

 _I love you._

He pulled her tightly into a hard and desperate kiss. A kiss that was different than he had ever kissed her before since this particular kiss was laced with so much lust, despair and need. It was a kiss that was as equally desperate as hers. Maybe even more.

 _He don't know._

She felt his tongue exploring her mouth and she gasped against his tongue.

She loves how he makes her feel but at the same time, she's terrified of _him_.

This was the only way she knew how to prove her love and devotion to him. She's going to give herself to him. And this time, she's not going to fail. After all, it's just sex.

 _Right?_

Sex.

It's no big deal.

 _Why was she so scared?_

 _What was she afraid of?_

 _What's the worst thing that could happen?_

Erin softly bit down on his tongue and dragged her teeth along it as she pulled away from the kiss.

"I'm ready."

She snuck her cold and trembling hands up his shirt, over the taunt muscles on his abdomen. The feeling of his hard chest and strong thudding heart under her hands distracted her. And she was taken back to Colombia.

 _It's Jay. It's just Jay._

She had to remind herself.

A tremor rippled through him and he caught his breath. He wasn't sure if it was because of how cold her hands were or the fact that he missed her so much, that he was suddenly overflowed with memories.

So when she moved downwards to tease the waistband of his jeans, he was assaulted with even more recollections. Memories of their first kiss. Memories of days of them fooling around. Memories before they became official. Memories before the nightmare.

"Erin..." Jay moaned and he involuntarily pushed his hips forward, wanting nothing more than for her to venture further down and feel what she was doing to him.

She dragged a single fingertip along the edge of his pants, dipping it just underneath the waistband to tease his desire. When his breathing grew ragged, she let her hand drop down below - all the way down until her hand was covering his entire length.

 _He stopped breathing._

It was that that destroyed any shred of resistance he had left in him. A strangled guttural groan escaped his lips and his eyes rolled to the back of his head at the feeling of her hands.

"Let me do this _for_ you..."

She needs him to believe wholeheartedly that she loves him.

 _She needs him to stay._

She can do this.

It's just sex.

Tonight won't be a repeat of last time.

"I love you, Jay..."

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading! Hope this update was worth the wait. Next chapter will be a continuation of this chapter...so stay tuned!**_


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

Red and blue flashing lights beamed against the dark evening sky. The usual team of crime scene investigators and investigative personnel swarmed the block as Voight and Dawson ran up to 59th street where they were called out to about fifteen minutes ago.

They weren't told much by Platt. Just that they had to get to the scene as soon as possible as it was concerning two of their detectives.

A blanket of thick dark liquid covered the side of the road where a body had once laid. A body Voight prayed wasn't one of his two missing detectives. He heard Dawson curse something in Spanish, snapping him from his panic and began searching for the detective-in-charge, wanting nothing more than to be told where the hell were his two men.

But it was as he looked to his left that he breathed out a huge sigh of relief. It was Adam Ruzek that he saw at the back of an ambulance. His shoulders were slumped as Sylvie Brett tended to his wounds. From where he stood, it was still luculent that he had gotten himself involved in one hell of a fight.

 _But where was Lansing?_

"Gabby's over there. I'll go see if she knows anything." Antonio said as he headed over to his sister, who was one of the responding EMTs.

As he started edging closer to the bloody mess, he stopped one of the patrol officers, "Who's in charge?" he asked.

"Detective Marshall from IA." the young officer said as he pointed out to the detective in a clad suit behind him.

 _Detective Robert Marshall_

Of course IAB would put a detective, who've had it out for him since day one, on a case that involved his people.

"Lansing!" he shouted the second he saw her.

There stood right in front of Marshall was his newest detective whom as a result of her status didn't know any better than to be talking to vultures like him.

She was clutching her right arm and was clearly in pain. Unlike Adam, she hadn't had her injuries tended to.

Lansing swallowed hard, trying to look as clam and collected as can be when she heard the gravelly voice of her Sergeant call out to her. She cannot have her cover blown, not when she's almost done with being questioned.

Voight marched towards her, she gave him a nod while a stern professional ensemble masked the turmoil he certainly felt inside.

"You." he pointed roughly at her, "Not a word."

She was about to say that she, herself, decided to speak to IA first before getting any medical attention but somehow the words couldn't find it's way out of her throat. She's much more terrified of Voight than Internal Affairs.

"Good evening to you too, Voight."

"What do you think you're doing talking to my detective without a union rep present?"

"Well, I have advised Detective Lansing of her rights. It's not my fault she chooses to speak to me without one."

Talking to the detective seemed to be the wrong move in her part, Voight doesn't seem too pleased.

She hesitated looking back and forth as the two men continued to bicker. The tension and the taunt was rising steadfastly. There must be a long history between these two.

"...You have a problem with me, you take it out on me. Not my detectives!" Voight seethed.

With her cradling her right arm and standing awkwardly beside him, he can now clearly see the bruises forming across her face and a split lip that told him that she needed to be checked out. "She's gonna have the paramedics take a look at that shoulder." he eyed her intently and she nodded, she can't argue with him on that, she's in definite pain. So she slowly but surely started heading for the first ambulance in sight.

"I'm done with her anyway." he said that out loud like she was a piece of meat.

She choose to ignore that remark.

"Now Sergeant Voight, with your permission may I interview the other detective involved. Oh! And of course, you're welcome to join us." she heard Detective Marshall ask in an obnoxious and condescending manner.

 _Jerk!_

She rolled her eyes and glance over at Ruzek.

Brett was finishing up bandaging his scraped hands, hands that were used to brutally attack Peter, when he finally looked up to catch a glimpse of her.

The paramedic had cleaned his face of blood but it was obvious that his nose was broken and the faint signs of bruising was starting to appear beneath his eyes.

She just stared at him as he did too. He had a vacant, almost hollow look on his face. Showing no emotions whatsoever and that frightened her more than anything she've witnessed tonight.

Antonio walked towards the ambulance that had the number '61' on it with the same IA fellow she had talked to not too long ago, seemingly saying something to the blonde paramedic and she nodded in response, before the trio walked towards the awaiting patrol car.

She looked into his vacant eyes, nodding at him as they crossed paths, hoping Adam will follow through as planed.

* * *

"You've no idea how long I've been waiting to hear that baby."

When she finally said that she loves him, the pitch in her tone sounded so genuine, so real, and he saw no reasoning to stop what they had already started. The fact that it would traumatise her, hurt her, maybe not physically but mentally, seized to exist in his now horny teenage mindset.

He was drowning in his own weakness.

 _He's desperate for her._

"I'm gonna love you until I die..." he said in a volume slight above a whisper, stumbling over his words. Almost as if he was uncomfortable in sounding so vulnerable. "And even after, I'll love you for eternity."

She hid the tears that fell down her cheek and she quickly scrub them away. Even when he couldn't actually see them, she didn't want him to have an inkling. But that couldn't have been possible, he was so lost.

His articulation was so ardent that she felt even worse for claiming her love for him. Jay's perfect, so sweet, nice, so caring, so smart, and she's going to lose all that perfection because of one unprecedented mistake.

 _What is she going to do?_

There's no way out of the truth.

Jay's kisses roamed frantically, trailing along her jawline, seeking out the warmth of her clavicles, claiming it with ease. Licking, sucking, nibbling on her sweet sweet spot, she allowed him to do just that even when her lust was now overpowered by the terror she's feeling.

She's going to have to stop herself from freaking out once they get on the bed and naked. And also then, try to stop her hands, her body from shaking too.

All she has to do was breathe in deep breaths and keep her eyes closed no matter what.

 _Piece of cake._

And for obvious reasons, he wouldn't even notice.

She loves that.

 _He knows she does._

As he prep her skin with feather-like kisses, his fingers gently massaged her soft and silky skin. She let out a soft moan, maybe it was a cry, he don't know, he was just so very futile.

"Oh god, Er!"

Loosing himself like he knew he would, Jay plunged his tongue deep into her throat and placed his hands gently on her hips to hold her steadily.

He moaned into her mouth as his tongue danced with hers and she slid her fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp gently.

She felt so loved and terrified all at the same time, she doesn't think that's even possible. But it was what she was feeling. She just really really doesn't want to have sex.

But she has to. She has to suck it up and do what she's supposed to do as a girlfriend. So, she dug her nails into her palms, failing miserably to stop herself from sobbing.

"Jay..." she whispered.

 _Gosh!_

She sounded so small, so scared, so childlike. That tiny voice didn't sound like her, not in the slightest. Not his strong, confident and independent Erin. This wasn't her. This was a voice of someone who's weak.

His name fell off her lips in a plea. Her whimper was a wake up call, screaming at him to stop.

It seemed like she was trying hard to keep it together, to not break. It was then, amidst all irrationality, that he realised he had taken this way too far, that they shouldn't even have continued this in the first place.

He was the only one who can stop whatever this was since he knew Erin wouldn't have the courage to stop him.

 _Not this Erin._

"Er..."

Grabbing her frail shoulders, "Er, s-stop." he said, wrenching his mouth away from hers. He tried pushing her hands away, stopping her from doing that thing they'll both definitely regret.

"Jay...Let me love you..."

Her trembling hands were out of his pants and were now working to pull them down.

"Stop!"

He was more adamant, grabbing her wrists and pulling them back to keep her from touching him.

It wasn't long before he clenched his eyes shut, controlling his mind by thinking about whatever stupid. To get his mind focused on something important, irreverent, or just plain dumb since knowing the fact that it's hard to actually think and have an erection at the same time. So anything will do. Anything but Erin and her hands and lips.

The more obtuse, the better.

"Er! That's enough! Stop!" he shouted and this time he grabbed her trembling shoulders, pushing her. Almost shoving her backwards.

He was sweating. Chest heaving forcefully as he struggled to recover, to inhale all the oxygen he could. He leaned against the bedpost since his legs were still like jelly.

"Stop!"

He can't do it.

 _Sex._

Blood finally circulated back to his brain and he came back to his senses, away from the hunger of lovemaking.

"God! What are you doing?"

He doesn't even know how they got here in the first place.

Sex wasn't the answer. Sex wasn't what he needed and sex definitely wasn't what she needed. Sex wouldn't fix anything, just create a larger riff on their already-shaky relationship. She's detouring him from what they really needed to do and that was to talk, a very long overdue one at that.

But the one thing he still couldn't get over was the fact that she would rather have sex and risk a traumatic experience than to have an honest conversation with him.

 _What was she hiding from him?_

He doesn't know what else could she possibly say or have done that would further ruin their relationship.

"Jay, c'mon, I know you want this..." she chuckled nervously as she leaned in to kiss him once more but he turned his head away. Hardly discouraged by that action, Erin placed her lips to his neck, kissing the skin there – an action that did absolutely nothing to keep him afloat.

"Erin! I said stop! Stop! Don't touch me!" he screamed at her again like she was some sort of rabid dog.

He didn't mean it in that awful way. He didn't mean for it to come out of atrocious. He just feared if she touched him again, he won't be able to stop himself.

An anguished whimper escaped her lips and she crumbled down to the bedroom floor, burying her tear stained face in her hands. A very tiny portion of her was relieved that she didn't have to have sex with Jay. But that means she has no other ways or ideas to make him stay.

He doesn't love her anymore.

He doesn't need her.

She've pushed him away.

"You don't love me, Jay?"

* * *

He've never been on this side of the interrogation room, the one who was being questioned. He've always been the questioning, the one who asked all the questions.

As he looked at the two-way mirror right before him, he didn't like the bruised reflection staring back at him. It was a reflection of a killer, a murderer, a man who had just killed a man.

Though Peter McAllister didn't exactly deserve to live, his life shouldn't have been dealt in the hands of another person. He wasn't God, he didn't have the rights to take a life.

It's been hours of a rotary of questions. He knows they were just doing their jobs like any person would. They had to prove whether the his decision to end a life was justified.

He was asked the same set questions each time the detectives come back into the room and like planned, he answered the same set of answers.

At least he thinks he did.

 _Start from the beginning._

 _What happened?_

 _Where exactly was your partner?_

A never ending set of queries.

Lansing must be worried out of her mind right now, he saw the fear in her eyes, she absolutely believes that he'll break and spill the truth. But he won't. He can't afford to be that person who ruin both of their careers.

He had unintentionally dragged her into this mess.

He wasn't aware of his surroundings up until he saw the blood on his hands. _Peter's blood_. He blacked out. It was rage that had taken over of his soul and blinded him to think that the man in front of him was in fact, Carlos Solis. He did what he thought was right at that time and that was to kill the man who murdered his Kim and a dozen of other women and who had kidnapped, tortured and impregnated his friend.

 _Erin._

It turns out he had killed the wrong person.

Right now, Detective Marshall had left the room after another intense questioning. _Standard procedure_ as he called it. But he knows, there wasn't anything standard about treating him like a murder suspect. Even in all truths, he was one.

Out of all the detectives in this building, it just had to be the one detective who have had a personal vendetta against Voight since the beginning of time.

Ruzek had his head in his hands while he waited for the detective to come back and question him for the seventh time or hopefully finally letting him.

His brain was throbbing in his skull and he could feel his eyes starting to blacken from the broken nose he acquire during the brawl.

At hearing the door open, "I told you, he attacked my partner. Haven't I made myself clear? I was just helping her out." he whined, exasperated. His head still buried into his hands.

"Ruzek."

His head snapped up at that gravel of a voice and saw his Sergeant who didn't look as furious as he had imagined him to be. Instead he looked rather tired, pale.

Understandably so.

With the three of them - Erin, Jay and himself and mostly himself - causing stress and attention all the damn time, Adam's amazed of the old man's versatility and resiliency.

"Sarge."

After hours in the box, watching his detective being questioned like a suspect, he knows IA has already gotten what they needed.

"Let's go. You're done here."

Ruzek looked at the man across from him, "What about Kate? Is she ok?"

He feels terrible for what he did to her.

"She's at Med. Getting her shoulder popped back on." he said as he walked over to him and patted him on the back, "You did what you had to do. We look after our own. C'mon I'll give you ride."

If only he knew.

* * *

He breathed out a shaky breath, tears streamed down his face, one after the other, and he viciously scrubbed them away with the back of his hand.

 _He loves her._

Of course he does, without a shadow of doubt. And because of the undeniable love he has for her, he cannot be here with her anymore.

He can't continue with whatever they were doing anymore.

Billions and billions of untold agony swarmed in his murky head, suddenly nothing made sense to him. Not tonight, not their relationship and absolutely not her.

He doesn't know what to do.

He has no clue what has gotten her this way. He wants to help her so desperately but how can he when she doesn't let him?

 _Space._

Maybe that's what they really needed, to be far away from each other for a while.

 _Just for a while._

It's been so long since they've been apart, away from each other, or have interacted with someone other than one another. Day in and day out, it's her that he's constantly with. Twenty four hours in a day with her. Seven days a week with her. Four weeks in a month with her. It's all too much, too exhausting.

Their worlds have only been revolving around each other. They can't breath or function normally without one another but even then they're still not 'normal'. _Obsessed_. They're practically attached to the hips. They've been so inseparable.

 _Literally._

The reason why they were so dysfunctional together was probably because they dependent on each other entirely.

It's a dilemma they're both guilty of - they can't live with and without one another.

 _He can't live without her._

Shaking his head, he void his face of tears. He can hear her crying and he can only imagine the pain she's currently in. Though he have tried his hardest to keep her from crying, to not be the reason for her tears, he somehow failed today. This was all his fault. Now, he truly loathes himself.

 _Maybe they ought to go back to ignoring the real issue and pretending that they're perfect and being in denial of the truth._

"Er, I think, I think it's best if we, um, I need some space, ok?...To think...I'll be crashing at Will's tonight..." he stammered.

 _This was it._

He've said.

 _Finally._

She heard it.

 _Loud and clear._

Those were the words she dreaded the most. The words that indicated to her that he was leaving her.

 _Was she waiting to hear that all this time?_

She kind of was.

This was just the beginning. He'll start by crashing at Will's for a couple of days or more. Then, it'll be a couple of weeks. After that, months. Finally, he'll never come back. _Never_. He'll never come back like every single person she've ever loved never had. They're all the same. Her entire family was a prime example. She's toxic, a poison that no one wants. Her whole family deserted her and now it was Jay's turn.

He hates her. He's tired of her. She've pushed him far, far away.

All along, somewhere deep inside, she've always known that this was bound to happen. This was the inevitable.

 _Oh god! He's breaking up with her!_

She's panicking.

He's leaving.

She doesn't know what to do. She can't raise this baby all by herself. She doesn't want to. She hadn't exactly prepared herself for that outcome.

Carlos was right. He's always right. Jay wouldn't want _leftovers_.

She watched intently as Jay pulled out his phone from his back pocket in an attempt to connect to Siri.

He can't do this, not to her or the baby, he has no rights. She's not going to let him leave her. She needs him to stay.

"Jay, Jay...please, please don't go, don't, please Jay..." she pleaded in between sobs as she rose to her knees, begging at his feet.

She was shaking so violently.

"Don't go. Don't go. I need you, baby. We need you...Please..."

 _What the hell was she doing?_

He didn't even notice she was on her knees, _begging_ , until he felt her trembling hands gripping at his legs.

"What the...? Er!" he snapped, quickly feeling for her arms so he could haul her back to her feet. "Get up!"

This night couldn't get any worse.

"You promised you'd never leave me. You promised. I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry, Jay. I can't do this without you...You promised. You promised..."

Over a year ago, she would never have thought she'd be so utterly dependent on a man. And after what she had went through on the hands of such species, she ought to not cling onto them. But Jay was different, he's special, he's one in a million and she knows there's no one in this world that's like him, no one in this world who understands her, no one she'll ever love so dearly.

"Get up, Er."

For the first time, he was glad that he was blind since the sight that he knew was right before him was a sight so distraught to even comprehend.

 _His seven months pregnant girlfriend was begging at his feet._

For a minute or so, they were fighting each other. He so eagerly tried to pull her to her feet while she continued to loose herself, to loop around in the confines of her head; pleading and crying, pleading and crying.

 _It was a vicious cycle._

"Please...I love you...We can fix this! I love you...Don't leave me, us, Jay, don't go...You promised, remember?"

 _What the hell's going on?_

He was just going to stay at his brother's apartment for the rest of the night, not leave forever.

"Erin! Erin!" he shouted, snapping her from her reverie. She left him no choice but to scream at her. He doesn't enjoy doing that. He really doesn't.

 _She's scaring him._

Catching her breath, she sat idly on the cold floor. Her feet tucked behind, her shaky hands on her bump, soothing the equally terrified child inside.

"You promised..."

She had stopped fighting him and allowed him to pull her weightlessly to her feet.

"Don't..." he pointed at her, "Don't ever do that again." he warned, shaking her. Shaking sense and his words into her.

 _She can't look at him._

"Ok. Sorry, Er. I'm not going anywhere. C'mere."

He slowly wrapped his palms around her upper arms and pulled her into his, kissing the top of her head. Underneath his fingertips, he can feel her muscles tense and tighten before eventually relaxing.

"I'm sorry, Jay. Sorry. I just love you so much and..." she erupted in sobs against his chest. Her tears pooling, staining the fabric of his shirt. Though Jay knows rationally it's not possible, Erin seems so tiny tonight, like she've actually shrunk.

"I'm so sorry."

"Shh...shh...It's ok, Er...Just relax..."

He doesn't understand what she was apologising for or why she kept insisting she's sorry.

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! Thanks for reading! Sorry for the late update. What do you think is about to happen? Let me know your thoughts!**_


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

 _"Ok. I got an idea." she huffed after a moment of pacing about frantically with one hand still clutching onto her dislocated arm, "Punch me."_

 _Just like that Lansing nonchalantly suggested._

 _Adam shook his head at her offer, adamant to not hurt his partner any further. "Whoa! You must be out of your mind! Why would I do that?"_

 _The police sirens were only getting louder and louder and they can now practically see the faint flashing of red and blue lights indicating to them that they definitely need to act fast and do not have time to be arguing._

 _"To make it look like our perp, whom you beat to death, attacked me!"_

 _A story of a woman in distress who needed help will always work. She wasn't capable enough to defend herself so her partner did what he had to do._

 _Simple as that._

 _"But he didn't."_

 _This was a plan that will never work._

 _"Exactly, Ruzek! Now hurry! We don't have time to be thinking!"_

 _Shaking his head, "No!" his shout was matched with a strong stomp of his foot that could rival any child's. "I'm not gonna punch you. I can't. You're..."_

 _She's a girl._

 _He can't punch a girl._

 _"Oh, c'mon, get over it! I'm tryna help you here! So punch me! I don't care! I promise I won't hold it against you!"_

 _Waving his hands around, Adam viciously ran them over his face, frustrated. "I can't. I can't."_

 _"Ugh!"_

 _Growing up as the youngest and the only girl of eight children with all the seven kids before her being boys, she have had her fair share of being shoved and pushed around. So a little consensual beating from her partner wasn't a big deal to her._

 _"Here." she shook away her nerves and pointed at her cheek, grabbing Adam's blood-caked hands, "But not too hard that my jaw needs to be wired shut. And not too light that it doesn't even leave a mark."_

 _"Kate! I can't!"_

 _To be honest, she was still pretty scared to a degree that Adam would black out again and this time bludgeon her to death instead._

 _"Just do it!"_

 _She can do this - lie to IA for him._

 _That's what partners do for each other, right?_

 _"No!"_

 _She've never done something like this in her entire career or even got involved in something so illegal. This was somewhat of a thrill. This adrenaline rush was what she've always been looking for._

 _Only in Intelligence._

 _"Ruzek!"_

 _Looking into each other's bloodshot eyes, they both took a deep breath and she nodded._

 _"I don't wanna hurt you." he said as he curled in hand into a fist, pulling them back._

 _She's ready._

 _As she had anticipated, a radiating pain vibrated across her head when his fist connected with her jaw and she stumbled to the ground._

 _"Sorry. Oh fuck, I'm so sorry." he knelt down, almost freaking out when he thought he had knocked her out, "This is a really horrible plan, Kate."_

 _He has a bad feeling about all of this._

 _"Shit!"_

 _That actually stung pretty bad. She's going to have one hell of a headache._

 _Stunned, she shook the stars and swallowed hard, preparing herself for the next. "Ok. Another one."_

* * *

"I love you, Jay." she whispered, her voice was barely even audible through all the tears. "I'm so sorry."

It was quiet. Now a tranquil night. Looking out the window, there literally weren't a trace of civility around the neighbourhood, not even a taxi driving by. She wondered where had all the people disappeared to.

The only coherent sounds were the echoes of their erratic intakes of breath. The night was finally a silent one. Void of all the bickering, yelling and begging the dark had previously presented itself.

"I'm so sorry, Jay."

It was all she could say - _sorry_.

She sat on the bed, wanting nothing more than to cower under the covers. _Ashamed_. With her back towards the board, her knees were tucked against her belly and she laid her head shamefully on them. She can't get herself to look at Jay, who hadn't even spoken an utter or acknowledged the fact that he had heard her every confession. But she knows he had.

She's so ashamed of herself.

 _What have she done?_

She did it.

She told him.

She came clean.

She had finally told him the truth.

The truth that she had cheated on him.

The truth that she had slept with his best friend, Adam Ruzek.

She did it.

 _So, why wasn't he screaming at her?_

 _Why wasn't he reacting?_

He should be. That, whatever it may be, would be so much better than this awkward silence.

With his slumped back facing her, he stay completely frozen, too afraid to move. Her decree looped around in his head like a broken record.

He doesn't want to acknowledge her. He doesn't even know what he wants anymore.

 _I love you?_

For months and months on end as they carried on existing in their miserable world, it was those three words he had been aching to hear but right now, he really doesn't want to hear them anymore. It physically made him sick hearing those overrated words. Repulsed, it disgusts him. What's worse is that she now can't stop saying that she loves him.

She insisting that she does.

 _She doesn't._

If she really does love him, she wouldn't have slept with another man. But he's not just any other man, that's the other betrayal, he's his best friend.

She betrayed him.

He betrayed him.

 _Erin betrayed him._

 _Why?_

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he closed his eyes, breathing out an exhausted sigh. Finally and slowly, his tumbling walls came crashing down and he allowed tears to topple down his cheek as his shoulders shook with each anguished pain.

Erin's the first and only woman who has ever made him feel so damaged.

 _"I, I need you to know that I'm really sorry, Jay. I love you...and, umm, I need...I'm so sorry... I didn't mean for it-"_

 _"Ok, Er, just tell me already. What did you do? Oh god! Don't tell me you did something to_ her _..." his heart was pounding so fast at the mere thought that she might have done something so vicious to the seven month old foetus._

 _"No,_ she's _fine._ She's _perfect. It's, umm, I, I cheated..."_

 _"No, you didn't, Erin. What that sick son of a bitch did wasn't-"_

 _"No, Jay, listen. I did...I slept with Adam."_

 _"What did you say?" he had asked over the brief silence after she had spilled her liaison._

That was the longest and most hurtful moments of his life.

He had really hoped that he had misheard her.

"No, you wouldn't. No, no, you're lying. If this is a joke, Erin, let me tell you..." he shook his head, "It's not funny. It's really really not funny..." he erupted in a low chuckle which eventually turned into loud cries of agony. He can literally feel his heart being ripped right out of his chest.

She wished she was just kidding.

He couldn't believe the words that had came out of her mouth. It was her very own words and he never saw it coming. _Never._

It's not true. It can't be true. She can't, she couldn't have.

 _It's a joke._

The love of his life had slept with his best friend.

His best friend had slept with the love of his life.

This must be prank. He needs for this to be a prank. He's begging for this to be a joke.

All this time, they both were playing him for a fool. _A blind fool_. They both knew what they had done to each other and still coexisted under the same roof like they hadn't committed an adulterous crime. If he had his eyesight, he would've known that there was something going on between the two. He probably would've seen right through their nastiness.

 _Adam?_

He had talked to Adam about Erin and their problems. He drank beers with him. He shared laughs with him, his best friend. Best freaking friend whom he had trusted with his life.

Just the other week, Adam had helped him with the nursery and nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Not his attitude nor his vibe. It was like old times to him. It seemed oddly normal.

 _Erin?_

He laid down on the same bed with her, right next to her. Inches apart. May be not even a inch. _Millimetres._ He held her close to his chest when she was going through a nightmare. He kissed her. He touched her. He confessed his love for her every single night. He's been constantly worrying sick about her. Every passing minute, she consumes his thoughts. He loves her.

 _Was that why she've been so distant?_

It definitely was why she was a mess. This secret have been eating her alive.

He wants to scream. He wants to shout. He wants to punch a hole into something. He wants to run away. But he can't. He can't do all of those things because he knows Erin won't be able to handle them.

 _She still consumes him._

Right now, in such delicate state of mind, she's unpredictable. Her actions can't be forecasted.

She might hurt herself or the baby.

 _Was she capable of hurting an innocent child?_

He don't know. He's terrified.

She's lost and broken because of Carlos Solis.

She can't take care of herself anymore. She's not the same and he don't think his Erin will ever come back.

He can't be selfish even if she had been.

"Jay..."

She crawled towards him and rested a hand on his hunched shoulder. Yelping in a startle as he recoiled from her.

He can't have a rat like her touch him.

"Jay..."

With one hand clutched in the other, Erin buried her face in them, crumbling in her own sorrow as she choked to breathe. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

 _Bloodshot._

He's crying like she've never seen him cried before. His eyes were glassy, red with tears.

She did this to him.

She hung her head, ashamed for what she had done.

"Why would you do this to us?" he cried, trying to hold back his tears but failing miserably.

"I don't know."

It was the truth.

She don't know. Really.

He shook his head in disgust.

His head snapped up sharply, nearly breaking off from his neck in order to glare at her, "I deserve better than an I don't know, Erin. Don't you think so?" he spat.

Nodding, she swallowed hard, trying to find her voice. He's right, he does deserve a better reason. But the problem was there isn't much to explain, there really weren't any reasons for her actions that night. Not one that would make this huge regret disappear.

"We were drunk and high and, umm, and I was at a really bad place...I just found out a few days before that I was having _her_...I don't know; I was confused...hurt...and I know it sounds horrible but all I wanted was to drink _her_ away...I guess I've always known that I couldn't go through with the abortion and I thought if I drank, I could, I can't believe I'm saying this,...miscarry and it wouldn't really be the same as getting an abortion..."

Rubbing at her right earlobe, Erin jutted out her lower lip and shook her head. Now as she listened carefully to her own words out loud, as she heard what she never really could get herself to admit, she was just so utterly in rue of her damn self.

 _What had she tried to do?_

It had made sense to her at that time, it was the best plan she've ever thought of, but now, the flaws are all too damaging and embarrassing.

She can't believe she had actually done that to _her_. She doesn't deserve to be a mother, let alone live.

Looking at her agape, he's nauseated by the story she had just told him. He couldn't begin to comprehend the horrors and the ordeals she had put herself through - to purposefully encourage a miscarriage, to expose an innocent life to poison - just so she wouldn't have a abortion.

 _Where's the logic in that?_

In some ways, wouldn't reckless behaviour resulting in a miscarriage just be the same as getting an abortion.

 _What was going through her mind?_

The foetus will still eventually die either way as a result of her decision.

 _Is_ she _even normal?_

The first trimester is the building blocks of every child's development and she had spent _hers_ on a drug and alcohol binge.

 _What if_ she's _born an addict or with FAS?_

"...And I thought you didn't want me anymore cuz you kept pushing me away and...I, I know it's no excuse but...Please...I, _it just happened_...I didn't mean to hurt you, Jay..."

 _Great! She's blaming him for her adulterous mistakes now._

He can't believe she'd even think to do that to _her_ but that's besides the point. That's another topic for another time. Tonight, he's more focused on the fact that she has had sex with Adam.

 _It just happened._

She didn't intentionally intend to hurt him.

 _Yeah right!_

Hurt was the mere consequence of her own selfish deceit.

* * *

After twenty plus years in this business, one might think that surprise visits from detectives in the middle of the night at his own place of residence wasn't an unheard or uncommon encounter, but it was.

To Hank Voight it was.

As he opened the front door and of course, after looking through the peephole, Voight already knows there must be something so terribly wrong for his newest addition to be standing on his doormat at past midnight when she should be a home getting some much needed rest.

"Sarge, I need your help."

She looked awfully guilty and remorseful. And the sling around her right arm didn't help at all. So with that he led her into his living room, offering her a cup of coffee, which to be honest was more for himself, before allowing her to spill her guts.

From Adam bludgeoning their perp to oblivion to the plan she had concocted to help out a partner in need, she split it all. And now, Voight doesn't know what to do or even know how to process the volcano of a mess she had just exploded on him. He don't always have the answers like people thought he has.

"Sir, we can't have IA get hold of the tapes."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, a new problem ascended because of their lie. _The domino effect_. It's only a matter of time before their lies catch up to them and all the pieces of the domino come toppling all over them.

"Sir, I'm so sorry. I know we shouldn't have but I don't know what happened to him. He wasn't himself and he thinks McAllister killed his ex - Officer Burgess. I don't know...I don't know..."

An old friend of hers from IAB had just informed her that there was a security camera on one of the properties at the block where they were chasing their perpetrator and the detectives-in-charge of their case were about to get their hands on them in the coming morning.

Tapes that may or may not contain incriminating footage that will most likely end both of their careers. It was proof that would show Ruzek, not Lansing, chasing after Peter McAllister. It would be indicting evidence proving that Peter never even touched Lansing but instead it was Ruzek who had caused her injuries as she actively tried to cover up his mess.

"I don't know what to do now, Sarge. Ruzek didn't want a plan, I just wanna make that clear, he wanted to tell you the truth but I forced him not to..."

It was her who concocted this clearly flawed plan. Not knowing what went through her head at that time, she regretted not actually thinking it through. She worked so hard to prove herself in this male-oriented industry. And coming from a family of cops makes this whole situation even worse. Her father is the Captain of the Homicide Division down at the 54th. She can't afford to be even more outcasted, a black sheep in the family when she already is considered one. They're all giving her a hard time for not making detective earlier. She can't loose this job. For the first time in her life, her dad's proud of her.

 _She's a detective for the infamous Intelligence Unit._

He tried his hardest to focus on his clearly terrified detective but it was difficult to do so when all he can really hear were the ringing in his ears.

She acted on impulse and that was to help her partner. She didn't exactly thought of the consequences before willingly getting involved with Ruzek. So far, he brought nothing but trouble and in the process, bring in collateral damage. In this case, it was her.

Something other than what they both did was very, very wrong. A completely terrible occurrence was about to happen, he can sense it as his heart drummed violently against his chest. Not able to find his voice, he was winded, breathing heavily through his nose.

"I'm coming clean cuz we really need your help, Sir. Please."

 _We look after our own_. His own words echoed in his head.

A purple bruise was forming on the sunken of her right cheek, spanning out all across to the corner of her lip.

Peter was right handed.

Adam is left handed.

 _Of course._

It was so obvious. He couldn't even see what's right in front of him this entire time.

 _What were they thinking?_

 _What was she thinking?_

Well, she doesn't know any better. She's new.

But it wasn't like she had a choice, she was assigned with Ruzek. He was the one who had appointed the both of them to pay Mrs. McAllister a visit.

It was him to blame and nobody else. So he, as her Sargent, had to help her get out of this mess since he kind of was responsible for putting her in such compromising position.

With her Sargent just staring silently at her, she can sense his anger as his nostrils flared. He's disappointed at her. His speechlessness was a definite answer. _Furious_. When bosses are rendered crimson and speechless, it must never be a good sign.

 _What if he won't help her?_

"Does Ruzek know?"

"No." she sighed, shaking her head as she rubbed her good hand on her thighs.

He nodded.

"...I tried stopping him..." she pointed at the sling, an injury caused by Ruzek shoving her so harshly to the ground. Shaking his head, he wasn't exactly surprised. Adam has always had temper. He must have blacked out.

"And backup took forever."

He was livid at that. Backup ought to arrive smoothly and on record time. What happened tonight was outrageous. Not only because of their meek choices but also for the failure of assistance to arrive on time.

It was them who could've gotten killed and not Peter.

He's going to give every single one them down at 1PP a piece of his mind.

His men could've been killed tonight.

"Backup..." he breathed out. He doesn't know why it was so difficult to get out that one word. "I'm going to have a word with the Chief of Patrol...Don't worry...I'll be demanding an explanation for the late dispatch..."

He was sweating profusely as he tried to catch his breath. It looked as though he had just ran a marathon. With her knitted brows and concern ridden eyes, he knows Lansing's onto him.

"Listen...stick with the story. As far as everyone's concerned, Peter attacked you. Ruzek did his job to-" Voight swallowed hard and he got up from where he was sitting. Everything was spinning. His living room. The television, coffee table. Lansing's face. Even her voice that was calling out to him were all over the place.

 _What's happening?_

"I'll take care..."

He tried to steady himself with the back of his couch as he took an aimless step towards anywhere.

"Sarge, are you alright?"

Voight gasped as a large portion of his chest exploded in hot turbulence, burning his entire chest cavity.

"GET OUT!" he wheezed. His gravely voice sounded even more coarse now.

"What?"

He didn't want her to witness what he knows was about to happen.

"Get. Out. Lan-" he collapsed to his knees, his right arm clutched tightly on his chest while his left fell limp and was in pins and needles - numb.

"Oh shit Sarge!" she exclaimed, running to his aid.

This day was only getting worse and worse by the hour.

"Voight!"

Dialling those three numbers, she was in tears. She was so overwhelmed with everything that happened today. Life at the Joint Task Force and Major Accidents wasn't even that difficult.

With her in hysterics, she doesn't think dispatch even understood a word she just said.

He tried to say something but the pain in his chest prevailed him to do so. His head was so dizzy, so sleepy. His vision blurred through the tears and exhaustion.

"An ambulance is on it's way, Sarge." she tried to hide the panic in her voice, "You'll be fine. Please just try to stay calm."

He knew he shouldn't have bailed on his annual checkup. But it was around the same time Erin needed him. She will always come first.

His 'heartburns' have been going steady up until last month. To which he attributed to stress. With everything happening, almost loosing his daughter - not once but twice - and the stress from all the follow up cases, he hadn't really got that incentive to schedule another appointment with his doctor.

He knew he should've quit those damn cigarettes a long time ago. But they were heavenly. His nasty habit. His vice. Camille begged him to stop and he did. But after she died, he lost all will to fight.

If he had gone to his appointment, his bad ticker could've gotten checked out and controlled. In other words, this wouldn't have happened. He would have been more relaxed, able to breathe more easily. His blood would have been bursting with oxygen and he wouldn't have felt the huge tightening of luggage straps around his chest on a daily basis.

In all honesty, he hadn't thought much of the symptoms, he just really thought they were heartburns.

"Sarge, stay with me. Just breathe deeply, ok...Sarge!" she clutched tightly on the old man's hand when his eyelids began to flutter.

This was all her fault.

If he dies, she can't live knowing that she had killed her Sergeant with her confession.

She can only hope that this time, help do come on time.

* * *

It just happened.

 _What does that even mean?_

An affair can't just happen. A betrayal can't just happen. It takes calculated thought, precision and awareness to deceit the other partner.

It just happened.

 _What does she mean by that?_

That's the reasoning he absolutely hates and definitely didn't want to hear from her since it doesn't make much sense to him. She's denying responsibility for her sexual and romantic decisions.

It just happened.

 _How can it just happen?_

As she had explained that she was drunk and high and therefore not aware enough to have actively participated in that night's decision, but in the contrary, isn't she suggesting that she've been sexual assaulted?

She wasn't competent enough to give consent.

It just happened.

 _What if they were both acting on their deep-seated lust for one another?_

What if all this time, they were both sexually attracted to each other? And that was why they mounted on the first opportunity that presented itself.

It just happened.

He really doesn't want to be angry anymore, he doesn't want to stay mad at her anymore. But he can't help it, every inch of his soul is aching.

He pity her. He understands her but he doesn't want to because no matter how lonely she had felt and how badly she needed to be reassured, she shouldn't have done what she did.

He doesn't want to believe that it could just happen.

She forced herself to endure the shame and sit silently with him as he continued to pour out his agony. Silently - under his breath - he ever so often cursed at the world, at her, at everything and everyone.

 _She deserved it._

Picking at the broken skin on the nail bed of her thumb, she continued scratching and peeling at the loose skin until it stung with blood. It was definitive that this hurt doesn't even come close to the one Jay's feeling.

She doesn't know what to do now. They've been silent for the past hour or so and the nothingness was all too deafening. She've tried to reason with him but as he have very clearly stated he doesn't want to listen to anything she has to say or even hear her voice.

Annoying as he called her.

Maybe she ought to try again.

"Jay..." she said his name softly and pulled herself closer towards him. Rubbing gently on his shoulders, she was weary of doing just that but this time, he didn't flinch. He relaxed into her hands and allowed her to touch him.

She stared at nothing just like him. Both numb from the pain of feeling. The room was so quiet, too quiet. Now, she has nothing else to say. She actually really doesn't know what to say or even if she has the rights to say anything at all. She've said everything that needed to be said already.

 _She's sorry._

What she really needed was for _him_ to say something. A word. Anything really. She wanted to know his train of thoughts. Even if it's just to say that he hates her. She can take it. But he just continued to stare into his palms.

"Sorry, Jay." she whispered, still fidgeting with her fingers and she rested her head on his back, listening to his pounding heart. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, baby...Please...please say something."

 _Now, she wants to talk._

He swallowed the lump in his throat and turned to face her. There was no point in doing that, it's not like it would make a difference anyway. He can't even see anything and that's a fact he still couldn't accept. He's been so stupid to convince himself to stay positive in this cruel world, to stay positive in order to show Erin that even with a little setback, it's not the end of the world. But all that hardwork was for nothing now because of her.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Erin. I don't know...I, I don't know anything anymore...I don't even know you anymore, Erin."

 _Erin?_

She cringed at the way he said her name. It was different. It didn't sound sweet or delightful as it once did. Besides he hardly ever called her _Erin_ , it's always _Er_.

 _Erin?_

It wasn't only him that's disarrayed, she too is. Even she don't know who she is anymore. _Confused_. This woman wasn't the real her. This woman is unrecognisable. Erin would've never done what this woman did.

She don't like the woman she have become.

 _She's scared all the damn time._

Initially, she had actually thought that she was ready for anything he has to say but now as he began, that didn't seem to be the case; she still isn't ready.

He still loves her so much. Too much actually and that was for certain. He loves her with all his heart and nothing can ever change that. Not even this bomb that she had just detonated in his face. Forgiveness and absolution doesn't come easy especially when the pain is a freshly open wound.

She braced herself for the worst, the steaks of him leaving her was enormously high and if he does decides to leave, she can't, she shouldn't stop him. She brought this upon herself and she can't blame him.

"...don't..." she began but stopped, not knowing what to say next.

Shaking his head, he leaned in, their foreheads brushing. A large part of him wants to forget this night ever happen but the other, the very small portion, wants to be angry at her. And that portion was conquering all sentiment. "I don't know why you still mean the world to me even with what you did." he whispered.

This pain, this emotion, was way worse than the physical pain he felt on the weeks that followed his recovery. He've never been so hurt in his entire life and he have had his fair share of hurt in his thirty something years of life.

"I should hate you...but I don't...I can never hate you...Gosh, I still can't wrap around the idea of you and...Adam?"

He cringed in disgust. He never saw that coming.

"I'm so stupid! The both of you played me! I trusted you! The both of you...I don't...How?...What does he have that I don't? What did he do for you that I didn't? Cuz I'd do anything for you, Erin...and I did. I fucking did." he reiterated and buried his tears into his palms.

After everything he did for her, this was what he got in return. He went to a foreign country, Colombia, to find her. He literally took a bullet for her. A bullet to the back of his head which was the sole cause of him loosing his vision.

He lost one of his five senses for her. He's now blind because of what he did _for_ her.

 _Wasn't that enough?_

He poured his heart out to her.

"He won't do the things I've done for you, Erin. He doesn't love you the way I do."

She knows, she knows that. It wasn't like she was expecting anything more from Adam. It was just a one-time thing, a mistake that was made once and shall never be made again. She doesn't want Adam and Jay doesn't seem to get that. All she wanted and needed was him, Jay.

Sure, she cares about Adam to a great extent but love him? No, her heart only belonged to Jay. Remembering back to a time when she hadn't yet fallen in love with him, it was his ever-giving soul, dedication and charm that lured her to love Jay.

She looked into his gorgeous baby blues that shot a sharp stabbing pain into her heart, she've always been known to break hearts and ruin everything she laid her eyes on. Maybe that was why everyone she've ever loved are either dead or a runaway.

"All I've ever done for you since day one was help you...but you never let me. I tried but you never listen. I've been patient. I like to think that I have...I don't push you to do anything you don't want to. I gave you space. I tried my best to make you feel comfortable but nothing's ever enough for you, Erin...I'm never good enough for you..."

From the moment he met her, all she've ever done was give him a hard time. It definitely wasn't easy to pursue her. With her constant stubbornness and the walls she put up to keep herself guarded at all times, he have had moments where he had given up on his pursuit. But it was also those qualities that made her ever so desirable to him. He had to go through immense amount of obstacles just to get to where they once were, months and months ago.

 _So were all the risks he took worth it?_

He don't know.

"When Will told me what you went through...I wanted to kill that bastard. I wanted to track him down and kill him myself...I still do. But, let's be honest, I'll only get myself killed..." he chuckled, "I thought about you. Gosh! I hate myself for always thinking about you...I thought about the pain you'd be in if I was gone...I guess that's what I'm feeling right now." he nodded. "You're gone."

He doesn't have anything more to say.

 _She's gone._

To him, Erin's forever gone.

For a long agonising minute, the room was filled with his jagged breaths and cries. All she wanted to do was to wrap her arms around his waist and give him a hug him but she knows not to. He wouldn't want that. He's not in the mood.

So she stayed silent. Still not sure whether he had finished venting. She bit her lip, wishing she could turn back time and find a way to take back all the regrets that hurt him so he'd stay. If she could reach the stars, she'd give it all to him. Then, he'd love her, love her like he used to.

"And what's worse is that I can't react like I'm supposed to without being the bad guy."

Though he knows running away from his problems wouldn't fix anything or solve anything any quicker, sometimes clearance is exactly what he needed. Clearing his head of thoughts and problem. Besides she's pregnant. It's not morally or ethically right to leave her all alone, to leave her to do what's supposed to a be a two-person job all on her own. He had promised to help raise _her_ like his own.

"No. It's ok." she braced herself. This time she was prepared for his fit, unlike the events that had happened in her nightmare. "I get it. You should scream at me. I'll be fine. You can do whatever you want to me, I deserve it, but just don't...don't hurt _her_."

Even though she've giving him permission to scream at her, to punch something, to do anything he wanted to her, anything really, she knows she won't be able to handle it. But she can try. She can try and endure the nightmare like she had with Carlos.

"Christ, Erin, listen, I'm not going to beat you, ok. I can't believe you'd even think that. I'd never hit you! Never! Don't you know that?!"

Of course she doesn't. She sees all men as women beaters and after the torture she went through in the hands of Carlos, she has no reason to not be weary and cautious all the times.

"All these years we've known each other, do I seem like the kind of guy who'd lay a hand on a woman?" he shook his head and viciously ran his hands over his face, exasperated, before standing up to take a step towards the nightstand.

 _He's leaving._

She can do this.

She has to do this all by herself. _It's not that hard, right?_

Over eighty percent of single parent families are headed by single mothers and they're not falling apart.

Her mother was a single parent.

 _Well, Bunny isn't the greatest of examples._

The apple never really fall far from the tree.

 _She's_ not Jay's after all. He has no obligation over _her_.

She swallowed hard, hugging his pillow tightly into her chest, willing herself to stop crying as he reached for his folding cane that was on the nightstand.

"Where, where are you going?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Erin." he seethed and rolled his eyes. His back was facing her. "I don't know what else to say to get that through you."

She can hear him swallowing a sob and she nodded.

"I love you, Jay."

Those three words are said too much tonight and now they're not enough. They might have been early on in the evening but not anymore. Not under this predicament. So he dare not say it back to her. Now, it's his turn.

"Go to sleep, ok. Get some rest. I'll be fine on the couch."

He needs time by himself. He deserves that at the very least.

.

Curling into a ball, she laid back down on the bed, hugging his pillow close.

She can smell him. His scent was forever stained into the case. Even if he's just a few steps away, outside, she already misses him.

"Sorry baby girl." she breathed through a kick, rubbing her bump as _she_ continued to kick up a storm. "Ma made a really bad mistake. She ruined everything but she promise she's going to keep you safe no matter what. You don't worry. Ma won't hurt you ever again."

Tonight she wants nothing more than to lay close to Jay and for him to rub her bump and talk to _her_ like he would. Out of all the days, tonight she needed him. They both needed each other but that wouldn't be the brightest of ideas. She wish she could go out there and comfort him but she knows that wouldn't fix anything.

Nothing will be resolved tonight.

 _Why did she have to do that?_

This was all her fault.

She broke him.

.

Sitting on the couch, he has to let it - the pain - out again. Massaging his throbbing temples, he buried his hands into his face, his shoulders shaking with each anguished cries.

 _Why?_

He still doesn't get why. She made it seem like it was his fault. Like he drove her to cheat.

 _Why Adam?_

Adam of all people!

If he was asked yesterday whether he thought Erin would do such a thing and such a thing with his best friend, he would've laughed right in your face. Adam would've been the last person in his mind.

He doesn't know what to think anymore.

He has all the rights to scream at her but _wouldn't_.

He has all the rights to break something but he _shouldn't_.

He has all the rights to leave but he _couldn't_.

And he won't. He won't do all that.

She won't be able to handle any of it. He knows that. Her actions today has proven just that.

She's too weak. She's too broken. She can't ever be fixed. Maybe, just maybe in the far future.

 _Maybe_.

"I love you too." he whispered, more to himself as he started to weep again.

He cried as he sat there all alone, wishing for the world to crumple and burn to ashes. Maybe then this piercing pain in his heart would cease to exist.

* * *

 ** _Did you guys see that coming?_ What do you think of Jay's reaction? Was it justified? Or should he have reacted differently?**


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

A human being needs a lot of things to feel alive, to actually be living life, not just existing and waiting for it to end.

Family. Love. Food. Shelter. Sex.

It is those elements that we all need.

But we only really need _one_ thing to actually _be_ alive.

We need a beating heart.

 _"Male. 55. Unconscious, tachy at scene. Managed to shock him back to sinus rhythm..." the paramedic barked as they wheeled into the Emergency Department._

 _"Sir, sir, can you hear us?...You're in the hospital." An ER nurse said as he began stirring to consciousness and in unison multiple pairs of hands grabbed the sheets of the gurney, transferring him onto a stretcher._

 _"Sarge!" he heard a familiar voice calling out to him, "This is all my fault. He's gonna be ok, right? Right?"_

 _Though his ears were ringing, her panic was evident._

 _"He's in good hands."_

When our heart is threatened, we respond in one of two ways; we either _run_ or we _attack_.

There's a scientific term for the theory and that's _fight or flight_.

A reaction to threat at the sympathetic nervous system, preparing us for fighting or fleeing.

It's instinct.

The cascade of catecholamines in the adrenal medulla determines our perceived response.

 _"BP; 60 palpated. Pulse; 57. Sats; 89%. 12-lead EKG en-route shows acute MI."_

 _MI?_

 _He doesn't want to die._

 _He doesn't like hospitals._

 _He doesn't want to see his wife just yet._

When our blood is blocked from flowing to our heart, our heart muscle cells don't get the oxygen they need. This damages our heart, and cells begin to die indefinitely and quickly.

There is no turning back.

Once it's dead, it's gone forever.

 _"We were able to establish a line and started a lidocaine drip." the paramedic said before heading out of the stuffed room._

 _A man in dark scrubs rushed in, snapping in latex gloves while another in lighter scrubs fastened a bright yellow gown over him._

 _"What have we got here?"_

 _He listened while the crowd talk as if wasn't even there, listened to their strenuous medical jargon, listened as they made decisions for him._

 _He can't feel anymore._

 _Was he even awake?_

At any given moment, the brain has fourteen billion neurones firing at a speed four hundred and fifty miles per hour. We don't have control over most of them.

When we get chills, goosebumps.

When we get excited, adrenaline.

When we get hurt, pain.

The body naturally follows its impulses which is part of what makes it so hard to control ourselves.

 _"Alert the cath lab and cardiology. Let's get a blood work to ensure the heart damage has stopped. Oxygen prongs. Anticoagulant; heparin to start thinning his blood."_

 _"Sir, can you hear me? Are you in pain?"_

 _"No, I'm perfect. Now, can I-" his coarse and harsh voice cracked midway. A gasp of pain interrupted his denial._

 _He grimaced._

It's a look patients get in their eyes. There's a scent; the smell of death.

A sixth sense.

When the great beyond is headed for you, you feel it coming.

 _"The monitor shows an NSTEMI."_

 _The cardiologist snapped off his gloves and dispose of it. "Get him ready for an echo, doctor."_

What's the one thing you always dreamed of doing before you die?

If you knew it's time, what do you do about it?

Forget about the fact that you're scared out of your mind. If you knew today was your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it?

Whether it is a broken heart syndrome or a myocardial infarction, the heart is in severe distress. Failure. An unlikely repairable anguish, a take a heart cannot resist.

Fragile. Broken. Feared.

* * *

Erin has had a terrible day.

 _Terrible._

From the beginning till the end - her day hadn't ended but is continuing to the next instead - from morning to evening, from dusk to dawn, it was and has been an overall a very terrible day.

 _Terrible._

She really didn't thought her day could get any worse until Will called.

After that horrifically mind churning message, she raced out of her bed in search for clean clothes. She absolutely can't stand her ripeness. If she can't stand it, how anyone else could. She've literally been crying and perspiring all night long; scared and nervous.

 _Terrible._

The day has only been getting sour by the second.

Will hadn't told her much, just that Voight was brought into the ER.

She doesn't know why.

 _Curiosity is knowing._

She doesn't want to know.

 _Ignorance is bliss._

She doesn't want him to die. He can't. He shouldn't.

He's not supposed to.

She needs him.

He has been her rock when no one was.

She imagining the worst, beating herself. Voight has had, without a shadow of doubt, crossed and wronged so many people throughout the years, maybe one of them has and have decided to seek retaliation.

 _Shot?_

 _Stabbed?_

 _Murdered?_

She can't. She can't think like that.

 _But how can she not?_

In her line of duty, _more like in what was her_ _line of duty_ , those were the only possible ways to go.

 _Terrible._

She shook his arm in a frenzy, trying to wake him from his slumber as he laid on the uncomfortable couch like he said he would. One arm hovering over his eyes. Dried streaks of tears meted his face. His features soft.

"Jay, Jay..." she whispered loudly.

He woke up with a grumble, definitely not pleased to be woken up so abruptly. Especially when not five minutes ago, he was crying himself to oblivion.

 _"What, Erin."_

It didn't sound like a question. She knows because he never bothers to add the punctuation when he's mad.

"I don't wanna talk, ok."

Shaking her head, she need him to listen. Remembering then that he could see. "No. It's Voight. He's - I need to go."

 _Terrible._

Now _they're_ here in her Audi driving down the dark and deserted Interstate, headlights and dim lamps being their only light, as she drove as fast as the speeding limit prevails.

They, because he wanted to come, insisting that she wasn't to stop him no matter what, that he'd figure a way out all by himself, that he doesn't need her. She can sense an argument stirring, he wanted to hiss at her, maybe even scream, but she wasn't in the mood for another hopeless round, so she surrendered; letting him join her, though, she doesn't want to admit it, he was a hassle.

 _Terrible._

The roads were slick with downpour, eerie and empty. It was way past midnight after all.

Still images of Voight and her and all that they've gone through together flashed before her eyes as if it was reflected in the swishing windshield.

 _The night he found her walking the streets with Teddy._

 _That same night as he begged her to listen to him, that he can help her, that he's the only officer in the building who's willing to not take her future away._

 _The next time they met again was of an unpleasant one, on her part of course. The card he gave her was tucked and hidden away in the sole of her shoe for Charlie to never see but somehow that backfired._ Call this number and I'll be there _, he had said and she did._

 _Her high school graduation. All smiles. Camille, Justin, Hank and her._

 _Accompanying her to school almost all morning at St. Ignatius because she still couldn't get herself to stay out of trouble._

 _The night she went to her prom, her date, the all-American golden boy - Chad Michael - she remembered how terrified he looked as Voight gave him the third degree._

 _The morning Camille died. The endless tears, confusion, regrets; Voight was there for it all._

 _The selfish New York morning when they found Nadia cold and gone, he was there._

 _Always. But she wouldn't let him._

 _Colombia, she doesn't want to think about the period of time._

It was the hardest of all hurdles.

She blinked hard against the images but he's still there, moving before her eyes.

 _Terrible._

From the reminder that's inside her to her potential breakup with Jay, maybe they've already broken up, she don't know. She does and doesn't want to know all at the same time. Conflicted and scared of the truth. She didn't ask.

He's mad and she's had a terrible day.

 _Terrible._

Glancing sideways at Jay, his eyes too were on the road. No one would have thought he's sightless. He can never drive. _Never again._ She's in regret for all the times she didn't let him drive the department car. A few times, she had but not nearly as enough. Not as much as she should have. Now, he's never going to.

Her right hand was clenching at the bottom of the wheel while her left rested gently on her protruding belly, drumming to calm _her_ restlessness. Just like her, _she_ needed sleep and at seven months and not yet out of her, _she_ already knows how to keep her awake. _She's_ probably exhausted but with _her_ mother in a panic, _she_ too can't sleep.

 _I'm sorry._

Nothing have been easy, not her life, definitely not her childhood and absolutely not this pregnancy. Though she wouldn't change anything - maybe the way _she_ was conceived - to have _her_ , she don't think she can take another round of brutal, complications-filled nine months.

It's all too much.

"What exactly did Will say?" he asked, surprising her after he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to talk.

"I don't know. I asked but he wouldn't say over the phone. Just that Hank's there, in the ER."

Her head pounded. There's moisture behind her eyes as the word _ER_ flew, a fuzziness to her thoughts but she doesn't cry. Keeps them locked it fit now. She's done doing that thing with her eyes. _Tired_. Emotions are too messy. Too unnecessary.

She gulped the cool breeze breathing through the cracked window. Without a second thought, she just opened her mouth; catching herself off guard. She've been doing a lot of that lately. "Jay, please listen, I...I'm so so sorry...Jay...Y-you _have to_ forgive me...Please."

He ignored her.

* * *

The automatic doors at Gaffney Chicago Medical Centre slowly slid open and she was met with the chaos of the A&E Department.

Out of habit or even just muscle memory, she entwine her fingers with Jay's. But as she squeezed, his fingers went limp within hers, a clear sign of their testament. _Disgusted._ Immediately, she let go. Swallowing as her cheeks flushed.

 _He's mad and she's had a terrible day._

The strong whiff of medicine and stale cleaning supplies hit her nostrils, making her suddenly so insanely nauseous. Stopping on her tracks, she put a hand to her mouth, swallowing the bile before it could make its presence with an unpleasant splash.

"What's the matter with you, Erin?" Jay, who was half a feet away, asked sharply. His tone was cold and accusatory. His back was still towards her but his head was slightly angled. He must've sensed that she had stopped walking and want by his side anymore.

 _At least he still cares, right?_

"Nothing. Sorry."

Her gaze swivelled over the waiting hall, looking for the familiar face. A TV played quietly in one corner, a distraction that never ever seemed to work and only seemed to succeed in making patients more anxious. One could hardly even hear it playing with its volume practically down to mute.

Tonight, the hospital was a full house. Literally packed with illnesses, crying infants and dazed patients.

 _The flu season._

She hates hospitals. It brings back unwanted memories.

Cursing, she looked to the triage station and was about to ask for Voight when her name was called.

"Erin!"

She recognised his voice and turned around to see Will out of breath, peeling off his latex gloves. "Hey. So sorry. I was with a patient." he explained through ragged breaths and rested a hand on his brother's shoulder for a moment.

Jay nodded, acknowledging his presence but still didn't say a word.

"No. It's ok." she nodded, "What happened?"

He gestured them to follow him, squeezing his brother's shoulder before they started the power walk to cardiology.

"Will, what happened?"

He frowned, "Voight had a heart attack."

"A heart attack." she breathed out, running a hand through her hair, "What? How? Is he ok?"

He looked at Erin squarely in the eyes. He learned, way back as an intern, that if a doctor doesn't have _the_ _answer_ or _the answer_ the family wants to hear, they ought to defuse the question with an answer that's entirely different to the question asked.

"He's in good hands, Erin. Oh...The results from his echocardiogram just came back." he said as he looked back up his pager, "Minimal damage to his myo - heart muscles, which is, it's a good sign, Erin. Umm, he's in CICU. Stabilised for now. Cardio's taking him in for an angioplasty in a few hours."

Though he's not a fortune teller nor a mind reader, he knows his brother. He knows him like he knows the back of his hands. Every inch every line and every curve, he knows. And right now, he knows Jay's pissed about something else.

Jay has always been immensely easy to read.

The last time he saw his brother like this was right when he raced into the house where they grew up in Canaryville and was beyond late for their mother's funeral service.

Fists were thrown. Tears were shed. Things were thrown. Unfavourable words were said.

He lost all contact with his brother for years and years because his flight was delayed and all the other airlines were fully booked.

It was a terrible night.

By how Jay had stayed silently silent, only the soft tapping of his white cane was eminent, it's odd because knowing him - he's caring and compassionate - he's would've been comforting Erin, telling her that Voight's going to be perfectly perfect but he isn't.

 _Did they have a quarrel?_

"Voight's going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about."

 _False hope._

He's going against all his code of medical ethics by just saying that. But deafening awkwardness in the air and the terrified look Erin had on her face, someone had to reassure her.

 _Never give a loved one false promises._

* * *

As a thumb of rule, intensive care units are stressful. Whether be it neonatal, cardiac, coronary, paediatric, trauma, whatever speciality it may be, ICUs are nothing but pressure chambers. It's not just because those patients are in critical condition or even basically terminal, it's the stress created from the atmosphere. The noise - swooshing from the respirators, beeping from the heart monitors, the long extended beep of death, the alarm and lights calling for a code, nurses' footsteps, the team of doctors running, the rolling crash carts - itself, can actually cause it's very own problems, both psychological and physical.

Constant being around the near-dead could render ones motivation to conquer the condition and fight. The loss of motivation could only end in one and simple outcome - _death_.

 _Death._

She already feels down and depressed by just walking into the cardiac intensive care unit.

 _Well, even more downer that is._

She've been down all day long and she has no one else to blame but herself.

"Last I heard they were adjusting his pain meds so, he might be asleep." Will said.

The CICU was noisy - not in the sense that there's people screaming on top of their lungs but the mellow kind, the indication of life - and full of activity. It blurred around her as she walked three wards to the right with Will quick on his heels. Jay was next to her, a distance of another person in between.

 _She understands._

"Erin." she was greeted with Antonio's warm smile as Will pushed the awful green curtains back.

At least someone is glad to see her.

"Jay." he too gave him a warm hug and a nodded at Will who was now busying himself by reading Voight's chart.

He hadn't had much in-depth training on cardiology but he has some, enough. He knows what he's reading, after all he is a doctor.

"What happened?" she asked huskily, wincing as she looked down at the man she've known as her father for majority of her life, more than a decade, more than half of her life.

He've been there for her and forever will.

He should.

 _Forever._

She didn't have a father growing up - _not really_ \- not one that gave a damn about her. She have always wished for one, always wished for someone to look up to, always wanted to call someone dad again, always wanted someone to tell her she's grounded because that's what a normal family does.

 _Normal._

She've always just wanted to fit in with all the kid at school.

At her elementary school, where most of her troubles began, she was the only one in the entire form without a complete family.

 _A set of parents._

While parents of all alleges bring and pick up theirs kids from school, giving them kisses on the cheeks, she and Teddy were left to ride the public bus all by themselves while Bunny slept through whatever she partied the other night.

"I don't know." Antonio admitted, "Lansing was with him when it happened. They were talking and then he collapsed."

Briefly, after the echo and right before the doctors increased his dosage - _maybe the dose was a little too much for a hunk like Voight because within five minutes, he was out cold_ \- he filled him on the drama and embarrassment and not to mention the completely illegal stupidity the 'dynamic duo' had created for themselves. Whatever happens to them will always backfire at the Intelligence Unit.

He has to fix their mess since Voight couldn't.

He too would've had a heart attack.

"We'll leave you guys some privacy." Antonio said before squeezing her shoulders as an assurance.

She looked at Jay, pleading with him to stay with her, to not leave her all alone. But he couldn't _see_ her eyes _._

 _If she had asked, he would've stayed, wouldn't he?_

A flick of the curtains and now she's all alone in yet another eerie room. Surrounded by machines and wires of all sorts, all hooked up to one body. She've been in this exact position not so long ago with Jay, devoting her time to him.

 _Now he's mad and she's had a terrible terrible day._

It's Voight's turn.

The hospital seemed to be her second home.

"Hank." she moved closer, taking his icy cold hand.

It's his blood circulation or lack there of because of his heart, that's why he's not warm like he would've been. She had to remind herself that it's not the latter; he's still very much alive.

 _What could've caused the heart attack?_

It's most likely his nasty habit of smoking.

She shouldn't have to beg him to stop. And he should've listened to all her pleas.

But his vitals are stable which is always a good sign.

 _An angioplasty._

A minimally invasive surgical procedure to widen narrowed arteries or veins. A deflated balloon attached to a catheter will pass over a guide-wire into the narrowed vessel and then inflated to a fixed size. The balloon forces expansion of the blood vessel and the surrounding muscular wall, allowing an improved blood flow.

That precisely how Will had explained it to them.

 _Cut. Suture. Close._

She doesn't want to be here since it's just all too traumatic but she does as well.

"You have to pull through, _dad_."

She've been here one too many times to know that once you turn your back, the body on the bed disappears, close your eyes, they'll code, leave the building, now that's just asking for trouble.

Voight has had been with her through many of the life threatening stunts she pulled as a struggling teenager - two overdoses and a car accident - and he've never, not once, turned his back on her and given up.

He stayed. And now, she is staying.

"You can't leave me too."

* * *

"Will, I need to see again. You need to make me see again. You need to do something, whatever, I don't care."

It's imperative that he has his sight back because he knows, he really knows that he can't go on living like this for the rest of his life.

 _Not the metaphorical kind._

He just really can't.

He needs to see again.

The desperation in his voice was as clear as the morning sun, as raw as a freshly opened wound and as deep as the Mariana Trench.

To see his baby brother in sheer anguish, to hear him forlornly beg, to know that there wasn't anything that he could do, break his heart into a thousand pieces.

He looked at his brother, agonising to see _that_ look in his eyes, agonising to see the fact that he was looking right past him; eyes wandering.

He'd do anything for him, anything to protect his brother, anything for him to restore his eyesight, anything to dig him out of this black hole that he so eloquently hide from the rest of the world, but there really isn't much that he, himself, could do.

Restoring his vision, though he'd kill for its possibility, is beyond his capacity. He can't do anything for his brother. Medical expertise wise, he specialises in plastic surgery and emergency medicine, not neurosurgery. He knows enough about neurology to get him through medical school, just about everyone else in that four years who didn't pursue a residency in that field. Spiritually - all he could really do is pray for God to miraculously cure his brother, to have his sight restored.

 _He's wishing for a miracle._

But what Jay has been practically screaming at him for years now was starting to register. Every word now seemed to be true.

 _God's not real, Will! He's not! There's no one up there!_

While Jay lost his faith a very long time ago, Will clung onto his, deeming of its importance to believe. Being an altar boy in his early years at his local church, he found them to be one of the fondest memories in life. He would never forget the day that the priest allowed him to ring the bell before the consecration at the epiclesis when the priest extends his hands above the gifts or even when the Vatican archbishop came one Christmas in '88 to lead the Eve mass. At that point of his life, as an eight year old, he was even considering ordainship. Until '94, when the testosterone happened. He realised celibacy isn't for him.

 _If he was real, he wouldn't have taken mom away from us so soon!_

First it was their mother, now it's his sight. He's probably got a point there. And all the more reason to be bitter.

Jay have always had life on the tougher side than him. As a child, he was picked on for his many freckles. As an adolescent, he was made fun of for his scrawny physique. While he was in New York City living that kind of life, Jay was left to care for their ill mother all by himself. Their dad was sick too, an alcoholic.

Deciding Chicago held no place for his future, he ran away to New York, choosing Yale instead of UIC just so he wouldn't bare the heavy responsibility that a terminally ill patient carries. He selfishly left his brother with the very messy aftermath. Having him to grow up so soon that he even almost didn't graduate High School because of his bare minimum attendance.

He still can't remember much of that period of time because a majority of it was dedicated to drowning out his guilt with clear brown liquid. Saying that _that_ was one of his greatest regrets in life wouldn't even come close to how he still feels.

 _He was selfish._

Though Jay have said otherwise in many occasions, he knows that the only reason he joined the Army was because he had nothing else to follow through. At only seventeen, he had a tonne weighing on his shoulders and that was why he didn't, he couldn't go to college. He was too busy dealing with everything that he had left him with to even think about college.

As a child, he remembered his little brother saying that he wanted to be an astronaut. Then, at ten, it was a mad scientist. After that, a bus driver so they'd have the family discount. It was a math teacher a few years later. Beyond that, he can't recall anymore.

 _He had sacrificed his dreams for his._

He've been trying, he, absolutely positively, have been trying. All he could really do was nag Jay's neurologist every now and then about clinical trials that he have stayed up all night researching for in books, medical journals and on the internet, tests that really wouldn't make a change and surgeries that have only been done a mere handful of times and only by very few reputable surgeons, whom are obviously very difficult to get hold of for even just a consult.

Mostly choking on the bite of sandwich he had in his mouth, Will took a sip of his coffee, coughing to clear his throat before speaking. "We've gone through this man."

About a handful of times. Each time with the same answer.

"Your scans-"

"Yea, yea, I know, I know." Jay interrupted his brother, saving his breath from repeating what he have been repeating almost every time he pleads to see again.

This time, unlike all the other times, he's disfigured for good.

"Damage to my occipital lobe from the bullet. The increase in intracranial pressure led to impairment of the optic nerve due to compression of the surrounding veins and capillaries, causing swelling of the papilloedema. I've heard it about a gazillion times, Will."

 _He even had them all memories._

How can he not when that's all he have been hearing from his doctors over and over and over again for the past six months.

"What's up, Jay?" he asked as he pushed his tray to the side. The many medical personnel and families of patients at the cafeteria, rushing by them to grab a bite for breakfast.

Knowing his brother, there's more to the story than he's willingly to admit.

His eyes were shining when he faced him again, "I'm your brother. You should help me. That's what's up!"

"I am. Jay, I'm violating a lot of codes by just reading your files."

"You're a doctor!"

"Neurosurgery is not my specialty Jay. I can't just tell your doctor, who's the expert I must add, how to do his job!"

"Well, you should! Cuz I'm still blind!"

 _Ugh!_

They've gone through this a dozen times; his blindness is definitive.

"Well, can't you just do one of those, what's it called?...Cornea transplant?" he asked after brief silence.

He paused, trying to make sense of the jumbled up vocabularies he had in his head.

 _He's not wrong, not really._

"Jay, listen, the damage is not to your corneas. Your corneas are perfect. It's to your brain."

 _Right! His occipital lobe!_

"Then get me a new brain! A new occipital lobe, I don't care! I'll have a dozen surgeries if I have to! I don't care! I just need to see again! I need to know what's going cuz I can't keep living not being aware of what people are doing around me, Will!" his voice was eager now, his eyes are wide as he slammed his hands on the table, causing heads to turn.

For a second, they were silent. Jay's jaws tightened and his hands clenched into fists since all he ever sees now, is Erin and Adam doing nasty things to each other.

 _Her hair on his bare skin._

 _His hands on her bare skin_.

 _His lips on the most intimate places._

 _Her lips on his lips._

It's all so disgusting to him.

 _How could she?_

"It's Erin, isn't it?"

He shrugged, "What makes you say that?"

 _It's always about Erin._

"The fact that you're _here_ with me and not _there_ with her."

Besides, he watched as the most depressing scene played out earlier in the ER as Jay did not reciprocate when she slip her hand into his.

"What happened?"

 _Erin and Adam happened!_

"Nothing. Just drop it, ok?"

 _Erin and Adam happened!_

His heart pounded, anger rising in his voice again. His mind swam with unforeseeable images of his girlfriend and best friend.

 _Erin and Adam happened!_

"Jay." he tried again.

"Just fucking drop it!" he said sharply. Towering him with the drop of his chair, the audience began to quiet down; watching.

He turned back to the watching crowd at his raised voice, his face turning crimson in embarrassment. "Calm down, Jay, and sit your ass back down."

 _He didn't. He couldn't actually._

"C'mon, Jay, let's go."

He reached for his trembling arm, picked up the fallen chair, apologised for his uncanny behaviour and dragged him out of the cafeteria before anyone could call security.

"You gotta stop this, Jay! This is not the place to throw a tantrum!" he scolded.

He understands that he's frustrated but the hospital is the least appropriate place to lash out.

"Ok, fine. Sorry." he hold his hands up in mock surrender, "Sorry. Could you at least talk to Dr. Goldberg again? And may be fit me in for a scan."

He have been talking, no, nagging to Dr. Goldberg for months now.

It's not that easy. Dr. Goldberg is a busy man and so is he.

With the flu season, radiology have been fully book on most days. But for his brother, he sure can find a way around that hurdle.

"Ok."

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! So sorry for the delay. Reviews are appreciated. Oh and please check out my other stories too!**_


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

 ** _Quick note before we start! I'd really like for you all to check out my newest Linstead story, it's called Christmas. It's angsty and very Jay-centric. Please do review!_**

* * *

 _Time._

Time does not wait. Time is not free. Time doesn't stand still and wait for anyone. Time proceeds and leaves anybody stranded if they aren't ready.

 _Time._

More time is really all we want and can never have.

As a child, we want more time to watch TV.

As a teen, we want more time to sleep and stay in bed.

As an adult, we more or less want the same thing but for a different reason.

And as we grow older, we want more time with our family.

 _Time._

Time is never a friend.

Two hours of sitting and staring at the bright lights spiking in all the monitors, the nurses were ready to take Voight to the cath lab for his angioplasty.

He was still asleep by the time they wheeled him to the other side of the cardio wing.

 _Tears._

She didn't shed them just yet, though she wanted to. Voight wouldn't have wanted her to cry. He hates it when she cries. It's not a pretty look on her. He've always been very blunt at telling her that.

She remembered the first time she cried on his shoulders, it was when Chad Michael broke up with her a week before junior year was coming to a close. She was devastated and Voight was gloating. He couldn't have been happier since he've never liked that blonde hair, blue eyes, all-America star. He was a player, not the good kind, and Erin was too blinded by love or whatever it was she was feeling as a hormonal teenager to see him for who he really was.

 _Thirty minutes up to three hours._

That's how long the procedure will take.

 _Time._

An hour or so had past, an hour or so of sulking her own throbbing head against Antonio's shoulder in misery - one that she've so willingly created for herself - an hour or so of worrying about Jay since she had actually convinced herself that he's left her for good - until he came back with an even more displeased and disgusted look that she knows was only directed at her - an hour or so of waiting for progress on Voight's procedure, there still was no update.

So she kept on waiting and waiting, leaning her elbows on the armrest, fidgeting on her seat to find a comfortable position. But the more she moved the more uncomfortable she got since there's a huge _basketball_ right in front of her. A basketball who's constricting her airflow. A basketball who's now at it's thirty first week. A basketball who wouldn't stop flipping like _she's_ a freaking gymnast. A basketball whom Erin really doesn't need to be reminded of right now.

She've already had enough on her plate.

 _Time._

The air was thick with tension as they sat together in silence. The faint buzz of pairs of shoes, pagers, alarms, telephones going off, announcements to doctors for emergent care echoed around him. _All at once_. Creating what sounded like the perfect hymn for what he's feeling inside. _Pressured and_ _in chaos_. Everyone and everything was passing right through him like he's invisible.

 _He is invisible._

He can't see and Will have made that absolute so many times, so, people might as well not notice him too.

He's a nobody.

 _What difference does it make?_

At hearing a low grumble, she turned to her left, giving Antonio a thin smile before handing him the brown paper bag that contained the sandwich Will gave her earlier to which she didn't even care to open since she's still very much nauseous.

 _Was it because of the pregnancy or the nerves of uncertainty?_

She's always _nauseous_.

She's always _scared_.

At least he's here, next to her. Even when she knows he's not really here for her, for moral support, but for his boss, ex-boss to be exact. He's made that very undoubtedly crystal.

 _I'm here for Voight, Erin._

At least he cared to protest when she told him not to come with her this morning. It's either that - he cared - or because he just enjoyed picking a fight with her.

 _It's because I'm blind, isn't it? I'm a burden for you to carry on your shoulders now, right, Erin?_

But what's important is that he's still here. _Here_. As in here with her. _Here_. At least he's not leaving her since she's still very mortified of the fact that he would and obviously could at any given time.

"I gotta taken this." Antonio said when his phone rang.

 _Time._

Stale, the air choked with cleanliness, free of bacteria. But what no one knows is that she is the bacteria. She multiples and makes everything and everyone ill. No amount of antibiotics can save one from her. She has always been the one to cause problems.

 _She is a disease._

Jay was _looking_ into his palms, rubbing at the many lines that held his fortune and future.

 _What does his fortune say?_

 _Does his future includes her? Or just his past?_

She hope not.

She don't know.

She doesn't know anymore.

His breaths were paced, deep and long. _Loud_. All wrong for being silent. Every inhale and every exhale screamed _'don't look at me, Erin.'_ and _'don't you dare talk to me, Erin.'_

She knows him all too well.

 _He's mad and she's had a terrible day._

It has always been _'Erin'_ at the end of his sentences when he's furious at her which was in all honesty was hardly heard of because he's never really been outraged with her.

 _Silence._

But she've never really been very good with taking orders or listening for that matter. That's one irk she'd really like to work on.

"Jay?"

Her tone was shaky; hesitant that he might snap at her. He doesn't respond, instead continued to stare into his thick hands. But by the way his body infinitesimal tensed, just inches away from her, she knows he've heard her loud and clear.

She can't remember the last time he ignored her, the last time he was angry at her, the last time they hadn't spoken to one another, but she was certain it barely even lasted a day and most definitely wasn't to this extent. It was petty and unnecessary for sure. It was probably that one time at the mall when he wanted to buy a video game, most likely Call of Duty, that costs a lot more than the pair of shoes she really really wanted. Long story-short neither of them got what they wanted that day.

"Jay?"

She saw him shake his head out of the corner of her eye, sucking in an exasperated breath through his teeth before he _faced_ her. "If it's not about Voight then, I don't wanna hear it, _Erin_."

His icy blues were fierce and her stomach twisted.

 _Erin._

Now, she hates the way he says her name. It held no sweetness or affection like it used. She's _'Er'_ to him, not _Erin._

She really needs to cry again but can't, shouldn't.

After a few long seconds of detente, just when he thought she wouldn't speak, she does anyway. He pressed his fingers to his temples, a horrible migraine was lurking in the back of his head.

"I'm so sorry."

 _He knows._

 _She's sorry._ He knows that. _She's in regret for what she've done._ He knows that. _She wasn't in the right space of mind._ He knows that.

 _But what can those two innocent words really do for him?_

Nothing.

 _Can it make this dying, piercing pain in his heart disappear?_

No.

 _Can it fix what she've destroyed?_

No.

 _Can it take the nauseating images of the two of them out of his mind?_

No.

 _'I'm sorry'_ doesn't fix anything even though he really would like it to. He really doesn't want to stay mad at her anymore, he really doesn't, but it's all the emotion he feels right now. _Anger._ Each and every time she apologises, it's an added fuel to his already burning wick.

 _I'm so sorry._

He too is sorry. Sorry for what she did to _them_. Sorry that she had just so careless done what she had done.

 _What if the roles were reversed?_

 _What if he was the one who destroyed their relationship?_

 _Would she have so easily forgiven him?_

Knowing her, he doubts she ever would.

 _I'm so sorry._

Like a broken record, it's all she've been repeating and repeating since last night.

 _I'm so sorry, Jay._

He knows. She's sorry.

But that doesn't mean she's forgiven.

Time.

He needs _time_.

There was another long pause and this time it was her breathing that was laboured as she absentmindedly rubbed her belly.

Silence; in times of crisis is never a good sign.

 _Please, baby, calm down._

 _She's_ scared. Just like _her_ mother, _she_ too is frightened. At least they're the same on that aspect. _Weak._

She hopes her baby doesn't inherit any inch of _her_ monstrous father. Though she knows genetics plays apart in shaping ones psyche and it is highly likely that _she_ ends up with some of his physical traits, that itself, terrifies her. She doesn't and does want to see _her_. She's at a crossroad. She really doesn't want _her_ to end up a psychopath like _her_ dad.

"That doesn't mean anything to me, Erin."

Her hands were shaking now as she brought them to her trembling lips. To stop herself from breaking down in front of all the awaiting families in the waiting room. But it didn't seem to be working as the tears spilled.

Jay, though right next to her, feels so very far away. _Misty_. It feels as though she's staring at his shadow. A shivering cold shadow. A darkness that contains a gallon of animosity.

 _All towards her._

She knows she can't do anything right now to change his mind.

He mad. She's sorry.

And there's nothing she could do but wait and wait for the right time since she knows time heals all wounds.

Despite the promise she made to herself this morning of not crying and despite the years of training herself to control the stinging water at the back of her sockets, she's not sure she can do it anymore. _Control_. She's not strong enough. Not anymore. A year ago, she could have controlled the waterworks. But then again, a-year-ago-Erin wouldn't have done what current-Erin had.

 _He's so cold._

She clamped her hands over her eyes, trying but failing miserably to stop the impending tears.

It's all she've been doing.

"Jay, please..."

She doesn't know what she's begging for.

 _Forgiveness._

He didn't touch her, not like before, not like he would when she's crying. She wants him to touch her, like before. She wants to feel him with her, like before. She missed his strong arms around her shoulders as she weep, she missed being crushed against his chest; muffled, she missed his lips on her temple, his warm breath on her skin, telling her to stop crying, whispering sweet nothings.

She misses everything there is to him.

Now she've lost everything. She've lost him.

When she lifted her head, swiping at the dampness on her face, he was still _looking_ into his palms. Blinking ever so often. And that, that image just further crushed her because she knows it's nothing that he sees. _Darkness._  
And it's all her fault.

"Jay, please...I, I don't expect you to forgive me right away but...one day, a month or two from now...you _have to_ forgive me..."

 _Have to?_

His voice was quiet and husky like he's the one who has been fighting all the tears, "I don't _have to_ do anything, Erin. Just like you didn't _have to_ throw yourself at...my best friend."

She winced at his language. It hurts, his words stung. The disgraceful way he was speaking to her pained her so tremendously. But she knows she deserved it. The pain he's feeling is much worse, she knows it.

At least he's lashing out at her.

Sniffling; he can hear her on his left and he wondered where Antonio had gone to. He don't think he's here anymore. Maybe he's gone to deal with whatever Voight had asked him to do. He's not CPD anymore, so he knows it's confidential.

He'll never be on the force ever again.

 _Never. Ever._

And it's because of _her_ \- it's because of the decision he made.

Tuning out those faint sounds, he tapped his foot against the plastic tiles of the hospital floor while his heartbeat suddenly was screeching loudly in his ears.

 _He doesn't want to listen to her._

Maybe he ought to forgive her, maybe he ought to forget, maybe he ought accept her apologies, maybe he ought to just give in. But life's not that easy. He wants life to be simple, black and white, no grey areas. He wants to forgive her but at the same time, he doesn't.

He doesn't want to forgive and forget.  
He doesn't want to take the high road.  
He doesn't want to hear her.  
He doesn't want breathing his space. He doesn't want to feel her presence.  
He would've said that he doesn't want to look at her but gladly, that has been taken care of.

 _Bitter._

He wants her to feel as broken as he does.

 _She broke him._

She betrayed him.

She doesn't love him.

More sniffling rang in his ears. He wants to tell her to stop being so loud but chose not to be so insular.

 _Unlike her._

That's what she does when she tries not to cry. She sniffles. He hates that he knows her so well. He hates that she's hurting. He hates that she's crying. He hates that she's making _him_ feel guilty for not granting her wish of forgiveness. Even when she's at fault, she still manages to make _him_ feel like he's in the wrong, like he's wronged her.

 _It's dark once again._

Actually it's dark all the damn time. _So dark_. _So frightening_. Since it's blackness that he sees all the darn time, it's easy for him to paint a picture in his head and the only picture he can picture clearly is of his Erin and his best friend doing unspeakable things to each other.

Suddenly he's nauseous.

 _His filthy hand._

He can picture them on _her_ waist so clearly.

 _Her long hair._

He can picture her long caramel hair scratching and tickling down at _him_.

 _Their bodies._

Their shameless bodies connecting as one. It's something she should only share with him.

He's really very nauseous now.

 _Forgiveness_ is a far cry from where their relationship have been dented.

 _Time._

He wasn't sure how much more time had passed, maybe another hour, he don't know, he's blind. At his left, where Erin, who had gone silent a long time ago, sat oh-so innocently and now, he can sense her head drooping ever so often as she started to nod off.

She've literally been crying herself to sleep.

She must be exhausted. Even more so than him since there's a life growing inside of her, draining her energy.

He hates that he's torn between _loving_ and _hating_ her. But deep down he knows his true answer.

He reached a tentative hand towards her head. Feeling her head fall again, he caught her. Holding his fingers lightly against her jaw, he shifted closer and allowed her to rest her head in his shoulders.

For a moment as he listened to her breathing like he always does, he was distracted by the silky texture of her hair. Brushing the strands of hair, he carefully moved to tuck them behind her ear.

He loves how she looked with her hair tucked behind her ears. _Beautiful_. He wish he could see her just one last time.

"Maybe, Erin." he whispered, entwining their fingers together and squeezed, "Maybe."

He might be able to forgive her.

 _Maybe._

One day.

* * *

The soft chatter around the closed encounter of the four white walls in the waiting area awoken him. Hushed whispers echoed, bouncing off the hedges and he strained himself to listen to the voices.

He wasn't too sure when he too had fallen asleep or how long the slumber was but he was sure it wasn't long after Erin had. _Drained_. He was absolutely exhausted with the bare minimum amount of sleep he had last night. Though he wouldn't really call closing his eyes while his brain continued to barbarically scream at him, sleep.

 _Three voices._

 _"Voight told me. It's done. Hopefully IAB doesn't...you know."_

He knows that to be Antonio's. He's really not interested to know what they're talking about anymore. _Useless_. He's not Intelligence. He's not a cop. He's nobody, just a blind and stupid man, who've risked his life to save his girlfriend, who in fact had cheated on him with his best friend while he was in a coma, fighting to stay alive for her.

Everything has been for her. He gave everything to her and in return he has nothing. Not even his sight.

 _"Thank you, Tony. Thank you. Thank you. You just saved us."_

It was female voice that he doesn't recognise. He really doesn't. Listening intently, he can't place where he've heard that voice, only remembering that it could be of the new detective Erin had told him about. A young blonde, feisty detective - Erin had described - the one who have so kindly replaced him.

Kathleen? Katherine? K...something. He can't remember. He doesn't care.

 _Why would he?_

It's not like he's ever going to interact with her.

 _"Don't need to thank me yet. You idiots aren't even outta the woods yet."_

Antonio's again.

"Nah. Seriously, man. We thank you"

His heart pounded violently, sprinting out of his chest. Suddenly he felt very agitated and regretful for waking up since he thinks he knows what's bound to happen. He knows and he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to upset Erin. But the irritatingly screechy tone rang ever so loud in his ears, heating up his blood past boiling point.

 _He can't. He shouldn't._

Time stand still in the flu-havoc hospital. _Silence_. Or was it just silent because he was stuck inside his own head; thinking, screaming at himself to not cause a scene, to not create anymore laughter at the foolish blind dude.

 _He can't. He shouldn't._

Images; once again the nauseating images never fails to dumbfound him with its extreme graphic vision. They began to swarm in his clouded mind, scene after scene, _Erin and him_ , _his_ _Erin and Adam_ ; they all just became too explicit. He just wants to shut his brain off. Maybe even forever in order to make life easier for everyone else.

 _His Erin and his best friend._

 _His best friend and his Erin_ \- the two people whom he had trusted with his life.

 _How could Adam do this to him?_

They're basically brothers.

He knows, Adam knows everything. From the day he told him that Erin was going to be his, that he's going to marry her one day, to every argument and bicker they've ever had, every date, every problem they've had, he knows. Because he told him.

They're best of friends.

Clearly, he's been backfired.

He even knows that she doesn't like to close the shower curtains when taking showers because ever since watching _Psycho_ , she's been scarred for life. He had even teased her about it, that for a horror savvy as she claims to be, she seemed to timid to deal with mindless and minimally exfoliating gore.

They've talked about it, the future. He trusted him to take care, to keep a watchful eye on her when and if he's not around. He trusted him because he _knows_ Adam couldn't and wouldn't do anything to wrong him, after all he is - was - his best friend.

 _Erin is and will always be off limits._ Adam had repeated after him.

 _Boy was he wronged._

He's not blind. _Well, actually now he_ _is._ Back then, not so much.

He knows why women giggle whenever Adam's around, he knows why they buy him rounds at the bar, he knows that they flock over his ruggedly handsome looks, his bad boy attire and attitude, his scruffy beard, he knows the ladies dig his boyish smile, the sex, and basically every shallow and superficial aspect about him. But he never thought Erin to be one of those ladies.

 _He's like a brother to me. Ew!_

That's what Erin had said when he asked her if she had ever thought of him in that way.

 _Some brother!_

The understatement of the year.

To be honest, he's glad that he can't see since he knows that he'll just come face-to-face with sheer disappointment.

To his left, he can feel a deadweight curled up against him, a numbness on his left arm where it had been deprived of circulation. He doesn't mind the discomfort since it was somewhat refreshing, a different ache than the one he's currently feeling in his chest.

He've always know loving Erin came with a price, Voight's constant disapproval, her stubbornness, her bipolarity of distance and clinginess, and it was a challenge that he didn't mind - never, not once - he loved every moment of it. He loves all there is to her.

 _She promised._

They both promised to stay faithful and while he kept his end of the troth, she hadn't.

 _Deceit._

A flaw that he absolutely cannot stand.

His tears welled in the beds of his eyes. The ache was too big for tears to bare. Rage in possession was pain nonetheless and he now feels the need to express what and who've wronged him.

Her every expel were loud in his ears and was suddenly very aware of the the fact that he was breathing in her vanilla shampoo. He used to love the smell, love burying his face in her wet hair, nibbling at her shower-damp skin. Now he just feels nauseous at the sweet aroma.

Prying her off him, not too harshly but not too gently as well, he pushed her away like she had just burnt him.

 _She kind of did._

She burnt a hole in his heart.

The jerk as he accidentally nudged his elbow onto the armrest of the most uncomfortable chair in the world must have stirred the trio away from their nonchalant conversation because this time, that voice was speaking to him.

"Hey. You guys finally awake." he rested a hand on Jay's squared shoulders.

Erin jolted awake, almost falling off the plastic chair she was sitting on that was screwed to the wall behind. Her mouth was dry as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, only then was she aware of the hand on _his_ shoulder.

The colour drained from her face and at that moment, her forest green eyes met his chocolate ones, something they both hadn't done since that one and only time, and she knows he had deciphered the message when he too turned grey.

 _He knows._

Jay's face darkened and his eyes mirrored ones of a hunter who's capturing its prey, waiting for the precise moment to attack.

 _He can't._ He just can't hold it all in anymore.

"Jay, please, no..." she croaked, sounding so small, so not like herself. But then again, she haven't been herself since then.

 _Too late._

The damage is in progress.

Grabbing hold of the wrist that was still on his right shoulder, Jay blindly, very very blindly, in the literal sense, pushed Adam backwards. Stumbling on his own two feet, he fell forward, slamming Adam onto the floor with a powerful thud.

"YOU!"

It all happened all too quickly, too quick for anyone to react.

She quailed a little under the heated debacle, covering her mouth with her hands to mask her apprehension.

Adam was now squirming beneath him, holding onto the wrist that was quickly tightening around his neck, pleading him to listen.  
"Listen, Jay, man, I'm so-"

 _Of course he's sorry._

He doubts it.

And for the first time since Erin split her guts all over him, Jay knows exactly what to do next. Pulling back his hand, he smashed his fist right into his former best friend's face with a loud and satisfying crunch.

He doesn't know where his fist had landed exactly. Maybe his cheek because he knows he definitely connected with something hard.

 _He doesn't care._

Gasps, followed by deftly silence cleared his mind of unwanted thoughts, except for one particular one of course. Everyone stared, thinking the same as they watched the drama unfold with unsympathetic eyes. For just a second after his fist connected somewhere on his former best friend's face, the world stood still and maybe even in slow motion. Then all hell broke lose when he lifted his hand once again.

Two pairs of large hands grabbed at him, getting in between, pulling him off of Adam before he could throw another punch. One of them, whom as he yelled at him to calm down, was Antonio. It was only then that he realised he had been huffing and puffing like a rabid dog. He's practically foaming at the mouth.

"Get off me! I'm calm, Dawson! I am fucking calm!"

Adam didn't even put up a fight, flinch or block him in the slightest, maybe because he knew he deserved it. He can't say he wasn't pleased, he wanted a challenge.

Jay strained against the hand on his chest, his hands throbbing violently; Adam stood slack on the other side, fingers pressed to the split on his cheek.

The chatter around him rises, accusatory whispers and a low wither that he recognises to be Erin's.

She crying again and it's all his fault.

 _Is he crazy?_

 _Did you see the size of that guy?!_

 _He's blind. The dude's blind. See that blind stick thingy._

 _OMG! He is!_

He felt like an exhibition.

"Jay, let's just go. Ok. Let's go." Erin stepped closer, intending to put her hand on his forearm but he roughly threw it in the air when she touched him.

Blood rushed to her face and for a brief moment she can't speak. She's frozen. This was all wrong. Everything happened so fast, too fast and now they're really fighting.

A hand, gentle and warm, closed over her shoulders, pulling her backwards and away from the commotion to protect her.

"I'm sorry man. _We_ weren't thinking. It just happened. _We_ didn't want..." Adam said through ragged breath.

 _It just happened._

With every word that flew out of his mouth, he's further digging a deeper hole for his grave.

Antonio's hand was firm on Jay's chest. He tried to push it off but couldn't. "Adam, shut up - Jay stop!"

He refused to listen. Even with the timbre of his voice filled him with rage.

"I'm begging you. Just, please stop. Not here."

She knows it was just a matter of seconds before he spill her confound secret. She can't bare for everyone to know.

It was her coarse voice that was like nails in chock boards now. Irritating him. He never thought her voice could ever cause him an itch.

"Erin! You, don't touch me!" his tone was cold, annunciating each and every syllable through clenched jaws. She winced and again complied, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I've told you how sorry I am and I'll keep telling you. I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

Shrugging, "Like _it just happened_ as well, right? You just happen to fall on top of him." he shook his head in disgust and immediately regretted the words he had spat.

One minute he's gritting his teeth, furious at what she's done to them. The next he's pitying her, understanding and despite everything she's done, he hates himself for it.

Embarrassed, now all the watchers knows what a slut she is.

She wanted to lower her eyes, but he's pinning her with his gaze, his blue eyes so intense that she doesn't, couldn't look away.

"The two of you are so per-"

"Jay!"

But before he can further say anything else, Will was there, thanking the guards and assuring them that he'll keep the situation under control.

"I'll take it from here. Everyone back to work. Nothing to see here."

Having just been dragged out from a post-op briefing with a patient for an _emergency_ _situation_ as told by one of the interns, he didn't thought the emergency was caused by his brother.

"Get him stitched." Will instructed, pointing to Adam who had blood trickling down his cheek.

Jay breathed heavily, trying to calm down.

"Someone get me an icepack." he said out loud when he looked down at his brother's bruising hand.

He probably shouldn't have ever thought him how to throw a punch. But he had to. As the oldest, his older brother, it was obligatory of him to teach his skinny teenage brother how to defend himself. With the nasty comments being thrown around on the daily, the constant bullying and the occasional shoving into lockers, Jay needed to learn to defend himself for himself since he can't always be around to protect him. He gave him tips on his form while they took shots at the lightweight hanging bag in their basement in Canaryville.

Will looked from Jay, who had his shoulders slouched angrily at his left, Antonio in the middle of the quarrelling couple, the newbie who was trying to calm Erin down on his right.

"What the hell's wrong with you."

 _It wasn't a question._

Will scowled at him, "This is a hospital for crying out. Not a bar or a schoolyard. And you will get yourself under control, Jay."

 _He had warned him._

" _Control_ myself?" Jay stressed on the first word, control, and pointed at himself. "I'm not the one who's been sleeping around."

 _It was just one time._

She jerked backwards like she've just been shot in the chest. It stings nonetheless.

Erin's cheek burns even brighter.

She took a deep breath let the hurt wash over her and took a step forward. "Let's go home, Jay. Ok?" she tried again, reaching out to grasp his face in her hands. Stubble scratching her palms, filling her with fond memories of their first kiss.

 _I love you so much more, Jay. I love you. I love you. I love you._

Her voice was shaking.

His eyes were filled with tears but he won't dare shed them.

He doesn't pull away but his jaws felt tight under her hands.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, Erin" he shook his head.

 _Erin._

"Don't give up on me. Jay." she searched his eyes; they're dark with pain but focused on her. He's looking _at_ her and she dares to hope for just a moment. "Please."

His head moved between her hands as if saying _no_ but she held on tightly.

"Please", she whispered, "Jay, please."

His hands rose to hers, circling her wrists; not hard. But when they slid back down by his force, she needed to feel the warmth of his skin again. She needs him.

Her chest tightened at the hidden message.

"Don't do this to her, Jay." Antonio said, feeling helpless by just watching the unfolding bifurcation.

"She did this all to herself, Antonio."

"I'm taking you home." Will muttered, grabbing his brother's cane that was on the chair and rested a hand on his defeated shoulder.

"To my apartment." he added, "I need to be alone. I can't be with her anymore."

Her stomach twisted and she palmed her aching baby lightly, "Jay..." she said in an attempt to chase after him but was stopped as Lansing pulled her back.

"Erin, just let him go."

 _She can't._

He can't leave her.

But he is.

Erin looked out the large windows at the slowly fading sun, they've been here all day. She saw his bruised face, not literally but figuratively, since the agonising way he looked at her last night when she told him what she had done, he might as well have been punched.

How he slumped onto the bed, the emptiness in his eyes, begging her to stop lying, pleading her to stop. Stoic, he accepted. Holding his face and pleading. She cried too. Messy wet sobs. It all happened yesterday.

A terrible day.

"He has to give me a chance."

* * *

 **Hey guys! Thanks for reading! I'd love to know your thoughts on this chapter! Reviews are very much appreciated!**


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

 _Pain._

One just have to ride it out. Hope it all goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it, heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. Just breathe deep and wait for pain to subside.

Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, maybe even most of the time, pain attacks when one least expects it.

 _Pain._

One just have to fight through pain. Because the truth is, one can't outrun pain. And life always makes more of it.

 _Scars._

People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of personal histories, diagrams of all of old wounds. Most of the old wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them, don't.

Some wounds are carried around everywhere and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers.

 _What is worse?_

New wounds, that are so horribly painful, or old wounds, which should have healed years ago and never did.

Maybe the old wounds teaches something; reminding where it was obtained, how it was healed, lessons on what to avoid in the future.

But that's not always the case. Some things are meant to be learnt over and over and over again because that's just how life is.

 _Bad._

He feels bad. Not just bad, he feels extensionally horrible and guilty for what he has done, for the words he didn't have control of. Not only did he chastened himself by acting like a fool, he also humiliated his girlfriend - _ex?_ \- Erin by airing their dirty laundry in a very busy hospital.

She was begging him to stop, to quiet down because the waiting room in a hospital is no place for such drama and confrontation since she knows, she knows him all too well to know that he was going to explode.

It's what he does - build up all the angry and frustration inside, then once he's had enough, he's beyond vanquish, beyond his right mind.

 _What have he done?_

He doesn't know. It all happened so quickly.

 _Are they over?_

They're over.

 _What was he thinking?_

He wasn't.

 _Bad_.

But he does have the rights to be angry. Doesn't he? _She cheated._ That's the ultimate betrayal. _She cheated._ There's no taking back what she's done to them. _She cheated._ That's what she's done.

 _But why does he feel as though he's in the wrong?_

He's the victim in all this. He's the right and they were the ones who has wronged him. Terribly terribly wronged him.

He didn't do anything wrong. At least he doesn't think he has.

 _Bad._

They were halfway down the hall - he thinks they were - his mind still adrift when he felt someone's hands grabbed him roughly without any warning. His back slammed into a wall with a huff.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Will's voice was loud, dark with rage. He's angry. He's angry at his brother. One, for embarrassing him at his place of work. Screaming, throwing punches and making a fool of himself in a hospital.

 _Has he ever gone to the District and done the same thing?_

No, he hasn't.

Second, he has relinquished all his patients for today to Rhodes, to Dr. Rhodes of all doctors because he had no choice but to take care of his very frustrated brother.

Bad.

His face must be very close to his because he can now, practically smell the coffee in his brother's breath.

Though Will knows it's probably wrong of him to jump a blind man like this, at the end of the day, the man's still his baby brother. So, it gives him all the rights to use whatever force to get through to him because talking in a gentle manner hasn't gotten him nowhere.

The last time he laid hands on his brother like this was almost ten years ago when he didn't make it on time to his mother's funeral service. Jay was so mad, beyond consolable and the fact that he had also just gotten back from his first tour in Afghanistan as a Ranger, coupled in with PTSD and the survivors' guilt, blow the whole situation out of proportion.

By the end of the night, they both ended up with a dozen plus stitches.

 _Bad._

Will saw a few passing bodies casting them curious looks, but no one intervened.

He's not going to hit his brother. He's only using a little force.

"Get off me." Jay tried to push him off but Will shoved him harder, pinning him against the wall.

He hasn't got a clue as to what's Will trying to do here. _Teach him a lesson? Hurt him?_ He's much angrier and embarrassed now. His brother had just completely taken him off guard.

Well, actually, he's blind, being taken off guard is just the mere and daily facts that he'll have to face for the rest of his life. A consequence of giving your all to the ones you love.

 _Bad._

It was an obvious display of power and it's demeaning, as it's intended to be. A fool with a white cane and a kindhearted doctor.

He's even more angry and humiliated now. Then, he realised that whatever Will was doing to him, isn't that much different from what he had done to Erin back in the waiting hall. Vaguely nauseated, he too had taken her off guard.

"What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with you." Will spat again. "I get it. You want to see again. You're frustrated. Be frustrated at me. You're mad. Be mad at me. You want to throw things. Throw them at me. You want to curse out. Fine, curse out at me. Ok. But when you take it out on her? No. Not fine." he shoved him into the wall again, hard. This time his skull thumped the plaster, and for a second his brother's words sank into his reddened face that made warning bells ring in his head.

He's not exactly afraid of his brother - he's bigger, yes - but he's also not so sure he has ever _seen_ Will loose control this way.

He's always the calm and collected one of the family. Forbearing, tolerant, and stoic, while he's always been impetuous, stubborn and whiny.

"You don't understand." Jay said as calmly as he could, trying to take the reins.

"Oh, no, I got it. I understood what you meant."

 _I'm not the one who's been sleeping around._

It doesn't take much to understand what that meant.

That implied that Erin was the one who did. And it was more of a no-brainier as to why Ruzek was bleeding on the floor.

Jay looked at him blankly. "I didn't do anything wrong. She...they're the ones."

"Sure, cuz Jay Halstead's never wrong." Will said, rolling his eyes. "You don't exactly get to play the victim here. You can't simply pour all the blame on Erin because - yes, what she did was wrong in so many ways - but you also was wronged her. You have been shutting her out the moment you woke up. You were ignoring her every time she was around..."

 _Just leave!_

 _I don't want you here!_

 _Get out!_

He was there through all of those and he was there to see the shine in her glistening eyes too. It hurt him too to witness that. Though Erin kept insisting that she was fine, that she understood, he should've known that she wasn't, that she was just as vulnerable and fragile.

He was there and he had tried to talk to his stubborn brother to not push Erin away since it needy times like that, one ought to need a friend by their side. Someone to talk to, care for and simply understood that hardship. And the gist of it all was that they both were going through an obstacle.

While they could've taken that opportunity to be there for each other and let their relationship strengthen and grow, they missed it by drifting apart.

 _No._ Jay missed it by shoving Erin far far away. For that month or so, she might as well be in another continent.

 _Bad._

It's the domino effect and now they're both paying the price for their intransigence.

A chill worked its way down his neck.

 _WHAT ABOUT ME?! WHAT ABOUT ME?! Why doesn't anyone think about how I'm feeling?!_

He wanted to scream but didn't. So, he kept it in.

He gets that she's a woman and women are much for sensitive than men and that she's pregnant and she was raped by murderous psychopath. And that being assaulted for days on end and blindness can't ever be compared with what she went through but still...He's blind for Christ's sakes! He can't see for the rest of his life. He'll be confused and frustrated and bitter for the rest of his life while, Erin, she still has her visual. She's going to be fine in the long run. Not right now or in a month or two but maybe a year or five, she'll move on. But he, he could and he will move on too but it still comes down to the fact that he's blind forever.

 _Forever! Forever is not a short time!_

 _So what about him?_

 _Why doesn't anyone listen to him?_

 _Why does everyone expects him to forgive and forget?_

"That's because I didn't want her to see me like..." his voice trailed off.

 _Incompetent._

He was a mess when he first woke up. Physically, psychologically, emotionally. He just learned that he may never see again and he didn't want her to see him so weak, ugly and fragile.

He couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself at that time. He couldn't even walk, he still is having trouble. He couldn't even see, and that's permanent.

 _Bad._

He became who he was when came back from his last tour. _On a guilt trip to nowhere-land._

Seven years ago, he couldn't have helped his friends when their convoy was under attack. He couldn't have done anything but run. He couldn't have done anything but blame himself. Seven months ago, he could've fought harder for her. He could've fought harder for her, then she wouldn't have been assaulted. He could've fought harder for her, then she wouldn't be in this predicament.

He couldn't have done anything but blame himself.

Every time he's with her he's reminded of his incompetence.

 _Competent._

He was always the competent one. But in one long blink of an eye, he lost everything. Now, he's just a blind fool.

He looked into Will's angry face - he's sure he's brows are knitted - and disregarded every warning prickle in his skin. "But that didn't give her license to do what..."

"Jay, sometimes people do _desperate_ things to get someone's _attention_. You weren't exactly forthcoming with that and she needed you. Desperately. And I guess she found other means, elsewhere. I'm not condoning her actions but I'm just saying, I get it. Ok. She loves you and she's sorry and I know you understand her. Ok. So, stop dwelling on the past, the both of you need to stop doing that, and start healing. _Together_."

* * *

Hank Voight felt a hand on his wrist, shuffling and pricking about. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Squinting at the sharp and blaring lights over his head, adjusting to the new brightness.

 _Pain._

"Good morning." A nurse said smiling down at him before she looked up to check his monitor, holding a chart with her.

Voight swallowed hard, his throat was incredibly dry, and looked to his left towards the window. It was still dark, so he figured it must still be very early in the morning. "What time is it?"

The nurse pulled her sleeve back and looked down at her wrist. "It's four in the morning, Mr. Voight. Is there anything I can get you?"

"Oh, I'd kill for a beef burger." Voight said, turning his head back to the young nurse, Caroline, it read on her tag as he caught a glimpse of it.

Smiling, "I can only get you something to drink for now, Mr. Voight. Food will just have to wait until breakfast which will be in about four hours." she said. "However, beef burgers are a thing of the past now. 'Cause you, sir, are now on a strict diet." Caroline continued looking at the lines that were connected to his IV.

"I guess that's better than the alternative." his raspy voice sighed as he turned his head and looked over at the couch.

Anything is better than death, he suppose.

On the tiny and, what must be an extremely uncomfortable, couch in this very white room laid Erin, sleeping. Relined back on the other end, on a chair was Antonio, snoring the night away. He really didn't think Antonio to be the snoring type. But - my gosh - he is loud. Or he thinks he is since he's ears are still a little sensitive.

Erin laid, curled to her side with her hands on top of her belly, over the hospital blanket that she was tucked under and the sight melts his heart. He's glad that he's alive, that Lansing was there to help him. Or else, who knows what would've happened to him?

He's glad that he's going to get another chance in life; to be with his family - Erin and his granddaughter. Though she may not be conceived in a conventional way and he sometimes, through dark thoughts, thinks he ought to blame her, _she_ too is a victim in all this mess.

"They've been here all night." Caroline said, not telling the man of what she's heard all the nurses gossiping about the drama that stirred. "They were at the waiting hall for most of the night. You were pretty out of it from the anaesthetics, I bet you don't even remember half of what you said." she laughed.

Actually, he doesn't remember anything. Leaving him to wonder the shit that came out of his mouth.

 _Why was she laughing?_

He must have made a fool of himself.

Voight chuckled, keeping the atmosphere light. "How long did everything take?"

"Your angioplasty," Caroline affirmed, "The angioplasty took about three and a half hours. They gave you three stents. And you had quite a significant blockage in your coronary arteries. But don't worry, your doctors will explain everything to you in a while. You're stable now and that's what we're aiming for."

"Does she know?" Voight asked gesturing over to the couch. He doesn't want to stress her out any more then she already is.

"Yes, sir." she said, stepping away from the bed and closing the chart over her. "Your doctor have spoken to your daughter. Mr. Voight, I'll be right back with something for you drink."

"Thank you." Voight looked at his monitors to his right, trying and failing miserably to make sense of all the numbers.

The sound of the door opening and closing shut had caused Antonio to stir in his sleep and his eyes now fluttered open. Taking a minute to regain his surroundings and making sense of the fact that he's still in the hospital, he brought his hand up to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

"Sarge, hey." he whispered when he saw his superior glared deeply into the readings of the machine.

He better not give himself a stroke this time.

"Are you trying to give me another heart attack, Dawson?" Voight asked. His gaze lingered on the couch.

Antonio looked at Erin, grateful that she's sleeping soundly since he knows for a fact that she's a mess on the inside, even if she's pretending to be as cool as a cucumber on the outside. The last he saw her shed a tear was back in the waiting hall. After that, it was as if nothing ever happened.

It's what she always does.

He knows.

He too was once her partner.

"Sorry, Sarge. How are you feeling?"

Voight shrugged. "I'm alright. I guess I can say I've been better."

Antonio nodded, "The doc said everything went well. As expected." he added, "They said you'd sleep the through the night. Why are you wake?"

Voight shrugged, yawning, still feeling pretty groggy from coming out of the combinations they've given him. "I was just fine until nurse Caroline decided to pick and prod at me. I don't know how they expect patients to recover and rest in a hospital when they're constantly waking you up every five seconds."

Hospitals can be overwhelming. He's been there.

"I get it. But you should try to get some sleep, considering the fact that you had a heart attack not too long ago." Antonio said.

 _Thirty four hours ago._

" _Mild_ heart attack." Voight corrected, "Besides I think I feel much better now...You should take Erin home. She shouldn't be sleeping here. It's not good for her back." Voight said turning his head back to his daughter on the couch.

Of course, he've tried insisting her to go home but she's stubborn, she doesn't want to. He's wondering whether it's because she doesn't want to go back to an empty apartment.

"I've tried. She wouldn't listen." he shrugged.

Hence, not wanting to leave her here all alone, he insisted to stay with her. Anyway he too has no one to go back home to.

"Take her home" Voight ordered, "That's an order, Dawson."

 _Ok. After all he's still the boss._

Nodding, he gently shook her shoulders. "Erin...Erin...hey, wake up"

After a light few tugs, Erin stirred awake and she opened her eyes in a flash.

 _Jay..._

She whispered his name.

Rubbing her eyes, she sat up, hoping that he's here, that it was his voice that she was hearing. But it wasn't. _Antonio's_. She stretched her cramped and painfully swollen legs and was again reminded of this morning.

Catching Voight's gaze as she stood up, "Hey." she said and walked over to his bed, wrapping her arms around his neck as she knelt down.

She's telling herself not to cry. This is no time to have a nervous breakdown. _She's ok_. She's going to be ok.

"Hey." Voight sighed, giving Erin a tight squeeze with his IV-free arm.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

Like he said when he had first woken up, all loopy and groggy; _it's just a mild heart attack_ , emphasising on the 'just' and 'mild', that he's fine. But whether or not it a mild or severe heart attack, a heart attack is still a heart attack. A fact that he could've easily be gone forever.

"I told you. I'm fine, kiddo." he reassured.

Erin nodded as she looked over at Antonio who was now folding the blanket on the couch before turning back to Voight, "I am just happy...that you're ok now."

Voight nodded, "It's gonna take a lot more than a bad ticker to end me, Erin. I'm gonna be here long enough to watch _her_ grow...Really, I'm gonna be fine. It's you that I'm worried about. Go home and get some sleep...Let Dawson take you home."

 _Home._

She doesn't want to go back home. It's such a lonely place now.

"I'm fine here, Hank." Erin quickly said.

"No, you need to get some sleep." he shook his head, "It's not just you now, kid."

She was about to protest but realised he was right as she yawned. She's exhausted since she literally hadn't gotten any sleep last night. Only filled by adrenaline and grief.

"I'll go get the car. Meet you outside." Antonio patted her shoulder and gave a quick nod to Voight before walking out of his the room.

"I'll be back in the morning, ok." Erin said turning her gaze back to Voight.

"Halstead...everything ok?" Voight asked.

That boggled him since he first woke up, Halstead isn't here. He's supposed to be. He's always right to Erin, glued to her side like a sick puppy.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, " _He knows_." she exhaled before opening her eyes to reveal glittery and sad ones.

So, she must have told him. And he not being here means that he's dealing with the said fact right now, that he's not forgiven her. But he knows Halstead, he's a decent guy with a gentle soul and once he's healed and gotten over it all, he'll come back to his senses. He'll come back to remember of all the years of his hardwork of pursuing Erin and convincing him that he's the man for his daughter.

Voight nodded and reached for Erin's hand - _it's cold_ \- and gave it a squeeze. "You'll be ok, kid. He loves you. He'll be back. Just give him time."

"This time...I don't think he will..."

* * *

 _ **Hey guys! If you want more Linstead stories, please check out**_ _Christmas_ _ **(super angsty, I know some of you are into that. Just like me!) and please check out**_ _Chicago PD's Linstead-One Shots **(super funny...ish...I hope so...Read to know what crazy things these two lovelies are up)**_ _ **! I'd absolutely appreciate it if you do! And don't forget to review! PLEASE!**_


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